Missing You

Its like a TORNADO....

2009-07-26T20:38:00.003-04:00

.....emotions, mess, tears, yelling, fear, laughing, picture taking, emailing, call forwarding, breakage, and constant deep breathing. That's some of the words I can use to describe this deployment. There is something CONSTANTLY going on here. Some days good, some days bad, and some days, well I count down the seconds till bedtime.

If I could change one thing about this deployment, it wouldn't be that he be home, becasue this is his job, although I LONG for him to be home with me...its still his job to be gone and do what he is doing. No, the one thing I would change is the tightness in my chest. Many MOMENTS (not days or hours, its seconds) the stress seems overwhelming. But if I can THINK it thru I can usually find the answer.

I am a much stronger person than I was before the military life our family lives, and if nothing else, for me personally this was a much needed trait I THOUGHT I had, but separation that you have NO CONTROL over kinda FORCES us to take stock in our lives.

My husband is truly one of the 5 reasons I get up every single day and go on, thru the crap life deals us. I wish that things wouldn't break as soon as they get out of the country, and leve the mess for us to pick up, but its the job of a military wife. Last time it was that beautiful $800 flat screen we had bought like 3 months earlier....this time (knock on wood) its not my big HD Plasma flat screen that ranks right below the mustang (Freida) for Shayne...nope its my darn air conditioning. But after days of realizing that I am NOT gonna live in a sauna in my own darn house, I figured a way around waiting till payday LOL, I'm gonna call and use his CC that he has. I'm thinking this is a NECESSITY in today's society for several reasons:

1. I'm a big girl, and sweating SUCKS
2. I'm old, and sweating SUCKS
3. I'm tired from the heat, and sweating SUCKS
and finally,
4. WTH am I gonna do when HIS dog dies of heat stroke in my damn living room...so guess that means fixing it is a NECESSITY LOL.

So I hate calling repair men, I always feel like I HAVE to do what they say, but I'll listen and if it sounds WRONG, I'll call someone else...thank God for some rain this week.

Yep my life is a tornado right now, but wanna know the funny part, even when my husband is home our life is chaotic, and funny, and usually requires LOTS of deep breathing LOL. Guess its not much different except for my "can't breath tight chest." But like everyone else who has problems, I'll deal, and move FORWARD towards that LIGHT at the END of the TUNNEL. I can see the light, I just want it to stay put for a few weeks so I can get to it LOL. Have a great week everyone.

I miss you....

2009-07-20T06:22:00.003-04:00

.....so much at times it hurts to breathe. I find myself LOST in thoughts of us, and some days TRYING to just find the strength to get through it. I know you will be home in the not so distant future, but the daily grind of being positive, and getting it ALL done by myself SUCKS. I am so PROUD of the man you are, and the INSPIRATION you are for our children, but my selfish side is angry that I have to give up MY time with you. Life is so short, that suddenly I feel like any MISSED day or opportunity might not ever come by again.

I want to NEVER feel this way while you are gone, but SOME DAYS are EASIER than OTHERS, and then some require a brown paper bag to catch my breath. Sweetheart, yesterday when you called you said "I feel better after talking to you." OMG that was one of those MOMENTS that MIGHT have slipped by unnoticed if you and I hadn't been on the phone.....just us. I love everything about you, and everything we are TOGETHER.

I will ALWAYS support whatever decision about your life you want to make, but its truly an HONOR for us to share those decisions TOGETHER. One day 17+ years ago, I met a young man in the amphitheater at Kent State University (its now gone) but it was there on that day looking up at your face, and realizing that you were...no you ARE the man I want to spend every moment of my life with. You were my HERO then and you are my HERO now. I know this deployment has its own "issues" for you (as well as us) but know that "right is right" and I support anything you do for that cause. I BELIEVE in you, and I know that you will find the strength to get through whatever crap you have too there, and honey I will keep this place running and waiting for you.

Happy Day Off today Shayne....I love you with every fiber of my being.

Its been an emotional summer...

2009-07-15T13:47:00.004-04:00

ya know first it started out with Shayne leaving, then having to head to Ohio and see Shayne's parents who haven't spoken to us hardly at all since the falling out in April, then a dear friend of ours from NC who hubby was deployed got killed, so we drove South for the funeral. And now Shayne can't come home to see us at all.

Now looking at everything going on around us I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to blog or clean...can you? I miss my husband so much, and I am trying to hard to find the strength that I have had for weeks, but Tyler's dad getting killed kinda of put my life and heart into prespective, and I am trying very hard to grab my boot straps and MOVE FORWARD. His death was a true realization that "there but before the grace of God" could be our family. I love the Navy, and I am proud of my husband, but this deployment, and Roger's death make me hate this war and the evil in the world that exist. I saw my son and his dear friend grow up so fast right in front of my eyes. We have had deaths in our family, but none that felt this close to home (ya know friend, someone our age not an older person, and deployed...and with Shayne gone right now it was scary).

Life will move forward for everyone, but as I sat at that funeral watching that dear boy and his mother so brave speaking to the auditorium, I realized I didn't know if I could ever do that. I know, I know we all do what we have too, but daily since I found out about this tragedy, I try to remember that I need to tell my family I love them everyday. Do I really want the last thing that they remember to be me yelling at them? The true display of heroism for any of us isn't so much how we live our lives, but who we touch along the way. I want my children to grow up and believe in the community, the country, and their family the way Shayne and I do, and I know that we are giving them that direction. I am sorry that words are never enough to help anyone thru such horrible things in life, but I do know that some place Tyler's dad is watching over all of them and touching the lives of so many people...he is truly an angel for all of us.

Tonight IF I get to talk to Shayne I will once again hold my tongue about being mad at the Navy and the deployment, and be grateful that I have one more day to love my family. If you haven't taken a second to say "I love you" to someone special in your life, do it, this summer has proven to me that we aren't guaranteed any amount of time, and that life is way too short to miss any opportunity.

History of the 4th of July

2009-07-04T06:23:00.005-04:00

***Disclaimer I did NOT write this article, but I found it (click here) and it said it better than I ever could. So enjoy it. As a side note, on this day, my husband and thousands of other men and women still fight for our freedom's away from home, so for our forefathers, our military (past and present) please say a prayer for them, as you celebrate this holiday and the freedom of our country.****

History of the 4th of July

“Thus may the 4th of July, that glorious and ever memorable day, be celebrated through America, by the sons of freedom, from age to age till time shall be no more. Amen and Amen.”
~Virginia Gazette on July 18th, 1777

Schoolchildren in America learn the basic history of the events surrounding the Fourth of July, but the details of this monumental occasion in American history somehow fall through the cracks.

Although July 4th is celebrated as America’s official split from Britain’s rule and the beginning of the American Revolution, the actual series of events show that the process took far longer than a single day.

Taxation without representation! That was the battle cry of the 13 colonies in America who were forced to pay taxes to England’s King George III with no representation in Parliament. As dissatisfaction grew, British troops were sent in to quell any signs of rebellion, and repeated attempts by the colonists to resolve the crisis without war proved fruitless.

The original resolution was introduced by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia on June 7, 1776, and called for the Continental Congress to declare the United States free from British rule.

On June 11, 1776, the colonies’ Second Continental Congress, meeting in Philadelphia, formed a committee with the express purpose of drafting a document that would formally sever their ties with Great Britain. The committee included Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Roger Sherman and Robert R. Livingston. The document was crafted by Jefferson, who was considered the strongest and most eloquent writer (nevertheless, a total of 86 changes were made to his draft!) The final version, the document that we know as the Declaration of Independence was officially adopted by the Continental Congress on July 4, although the resolution that led to the writing of the Declaration was actually approved two days earlier.

The following day, copies of the Declaration of Independence were distributed and, on July 6, The Pennsylvania Evening Post became the first newspaper to print the extraordinary document.

On July 8, 1776, the first public readings of the Declaration were held in Philadelphia’s Independence Square to the ringing of bells and band music.
All of this had occurred with some of the delegates to the Congress not even present; New York, for example, did not even vote on the resolution until July 9th. (Did you know that that not a single signature was appended to the Declaration on July 4th. While most of the fifty-six names were in place by early August, one signer, Thomas McKean, did not actually sign the Declaration until 1781.)

One year later, on July 4, 1777, Philadelphia marked Independence Day by adjourning Congress and celebrating with bonfires, bells and fireworks.

The custom eventually spread to other towns both large and small, where the day was marked with processions, oratory, picnics, contests, games, military displays and fireworks. Observations throughout the nation became even more common at the end of the War of 1812 with Great Britain.

On June 24, 1826, Thomas Jefferson sent a letter to Roger C. Weightman, declining an invitation to come to Washington, D.C., to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. It was the last letter, Jefferson, who was gravely ill, ever wrote. In it, Jefferson says of the document:

May it be to the world, what I believe it will be ... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains ... and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. ... For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.

In 1941, Congress declared July 4 a legal Federal holiday. Today, communities across the nation mark this major midsummer holiday with parades, fireworks, picnics and the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner" and marches by John Philip Sousa.

Special Celebrations

Many Fourth of July customs have not changed since our earliest celebrations. But some communities across the nation have developed their own special traditions:

* Celebrants in Seward, Alaska, take part in a six-mile foot race to the top of Mount Marathon and back. Further north in Kotzebue, Alaska, traditional Inuit contests are held.
* The citizens of Lititz, Pennsylvania have spent their winters since 1818 making thousands of candles so that the children of the town can light them during a special "Festival of Candles" the night of July 4.
* And, on the morning of July 4, the community of Tecumseh, Nebraska, raises more than 200 flags around the courthouse as a way of remembering those who have served in our country’s armed forces. Each flagpole bears the name of a man or woman from Tecumseh who has served in the United States military.
* On July 4, 1976 major celebrations throughout the country marked America’s 200th birthday. In Washington, D.C., 33 tons of fireworks were exploded in the sky above the Washington Monument, along with Laser beams that spelled out " 1776-1976, Happy Birthday, USA." In New York, a succession of tall sailing ships from all over the world sailed up the Hudson River.

I want this to go away....

2009-06-29T19:59:00.003-04:00

....these feelings I can't seem to shake. I miss my husband so much and today just sucked, so I miss him even more. Now when I say I hate the Navy, I don't really, I just hate it right now. I can't call him when I'm upset, and by the time he can call me I have found a way to adapt and deal...which is good, but I still hate this.

The other day my friend Peggie was talking about her husband leaving again after just getting home from 15+ months to be gone all summer, and my heart broke for her. Ya know that's how I feel, we just get used to it being how it is, and something else takes them a way. And yes I know "that's what they signed up for" and I'm fine with that, except when my heart is broken, and I feel like there is a cement block sitting on my chest while I TRY and breathe. And just for the record, I didn't marry the military, I'm supporting something that is so important to him and our family...yeah that's the serving our country pride thing we have going on.

I don't care if this is his job and what he signed up for I HATE this. I'll deal but I still HATE it. I am so PROUD of him that I smile just thinking about it, but I don't want to be separated anymore....I miss him, I need him to be here so WE can function TOGETHER. I don't want to plan another darn holiday with out him. But since that's not going to happen, I will find a way to "buck up" and deal. I can and have done it before, and I'll do it again. I just wanted to vent about my miserable feelings today.

Things don't always mesh

2009-06-26T21:45:00.005-04:00

By "things" I mean your feelings, your wants, your needs, your wishes, and well real life. Many of the days (so far) this deployment have been.....bearable, I mean well "life goes on" right? But some days I truly can't find that strength to get thru the day will all my marbles LOL. Yesterday was one of those days.

I miss Shayne so much, and I need to talk to him, but when we get on the phone some times those "things" get all intertwined with the "real life" issues we need to discuss, and I forget to tell him how much he means to me.

So tonight I decided to blog him a message, so you are welcome to read on gang.

Shayne, my love, you hold my heart in your hands so far away, and sometimes when it hurts I get so angry that you can't fix it for me. I WANT to see you sooner rather than later. I NEED to hear your voice and see those "dimples" I love so much, and I WISH that we didn't have to be separated today, or any day for that matter. However since "REAL LIFE" has a direction for us that isn't in my "things" I want/need/wish for list I will have to adapt. I am PROUD of you and everything you stand for. I will close my eyes tonight KNOWING that you are close to me in my heart, even if not in our house right now. Be safe honey, and know that even though "things don't mesh for us right now, that you are the LOVE of my LIFE, and my HERO. Good night, and know I am seeing the same moon you are, so we are ONLY that far apart.

You Complete Me....

2009-06-14T07:36:00.003-04:00

....that's how I feel about my Shayne. He is the "love of my life" my soul mate, my best friend. And for lots of years I truly wondered if he knew it. But some how this deployment, I have had an epiphany on my life. I realized that NO ONE chooses to have 4 kids and stay married for 17 years, and make a life like we have if you don't truly love each other.

Its funny, I have loved him since the day I saw his face, and heard his voice...hell I didn't even know what he was going to college for, I just KNEW he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, and now I am. I wondered how anything else in life could compare to that first moment? But its amazing, that life finds a way to remind you that its precious and amazing, and ever changing, and that love is truly UNLIMITED. I read on a friends blog (sorry I can't remember which one of you BRILLIANT people wrote this) that said love is continuously able to be refilled....and ya know what it's true. Love is truly NEVER ENDING.

While Shayne is gone this time, WE are working hard to get ahead instead of doing EVERYDAY retail therapy (although it was fun) like we did the last time. Deployments SUCK...there is NO OTHER way to say it, but as with ANYTHING in life you have a choice....either make it POSITIVE or be NEGATIVE. I am choosing to be POSITIVE this time.

My husband is my life, and I FINALLY in the deepest part of my heart KNOW I'm his...guess that old adage of "love yourself first and believe in yourself" is true. The moment I made changes in ME and my self-esteem, I could SEE my life....and all the joy in it. So today I just wanted you to know honey that YOU COMPLETE ME....and although right now I HAVE to live with out you, I DON'T WANT to live with out you. You are my hero.

Rock the boat.....

2009-06-08T17:52:00.003-04:00

......so tonight I am going to praise one of my husband's GREAT (yet annoying LOL) qualities. He is the type of person that if he "bitches" about something then it needs fixed, he can prove it, and he has the solution. I HATE it, yet love it at the same time. He's the type of guy who if he said "the sky is green" I would look out of amazement not because he said something bizarre....because if he cared enough to tell me then I'd KNOW it was green.

So this leads me to a brief synopsis of this deployment. Let me first say he was "name selected" for this tour...for all you military women you know there is NO getting out of that. Anyway this truly is a big deal. Shayne is amazing he sees something wrong and fixes it...its how he functions. So long story short he's on the island and he sees issues he wants/needs fixed so this time he sent the "info" up the chain of command because this chain wants to know everything. Anyway he ended up on night shift...I think he might have pissed someone off LOL. But here's the deal, it lead me to toss this around before I blogged. I believe that if safety of military personnel is an issue or something is not SOP (standard operating procedure) then it needs addressed whether anyone gets pissed or not. So I told him so, and he was like "I have taught you well young padawan" LOL. And he's right...better to ROCK the BOAT if it will IMPROVE a situation that NEEDS improving, than to sit silently by and watch the shit hit the fan right?

So as a human being (not man or woman...military or non military) I want to know if you have ROCKED the Boat in your life and if you KNEW it was right or did it to just be a "pain in the butt." I can say that I have done it for both reasons...and some were just out of sheer nastiness...I know not the best karma to get but it was NECESSARY for my own sanity occasionally LOL. I BELIEVE that the law is the law, and fair is fair (as fair as can be in life), and that although there are GRAY areas, that right is right and wrong is wrong. Now that's not my "rose colored" glasses here, its life. I think that we SHOULD ALL stand up for what we believe in, and what is right and just and fair in the world...and we BETTER darn well stand up when there are injustices and hate being demonstrated.

Its our job to care for each other....I don't wanna quote Hillary Clinton to much but "it does take a village" but not to just raise a child, to live in peace and fairness for EVERYONE. So do you wanna ROCK the BOAT with me and be part of the VILLAGE or will you be sitting silently by and waiting for the IMPLOSION?

When life hands you lemons....

2009-06-06T17:43:00.005-04:00

...do you make Lemonade? I would rather make a Lemon Shake. I mean it's a LOT sweeter, and always leaves you wanting more. So that's how I have decided to approach my life this week. See Sunday is the OFFICIAL "end of week-end~beginning of week" kind of day.

Last week was TOUGH for me (as ya all saw/read) but I am TRYING. I have decided to NOT PIG OUT today (weigh in day at weight watchers) but to stay w/in my points and get in my water. All of you at WW know that "weigh in" day is cheat day. But not for me today....POSITIVE (check). I am working on my crocheting swap EARLY.....POSITIVE (check). There is only one more week of school left for the kids and although FOOTBALL conditioning will continue taking up TONS of time, I'm ready to spend summer with my kids...POSITIVE (check).

Now any one of these could be LEMONS in my life but ya know what, after the worry, lack of control, and fear I felt for my husband last week....I have decided that this week its all about the LEMON SHAKE. I may rot my teeth out...smiling ear to ear, and even PRETENDING during those BAD moments, but I am gonna do it.

Today I realize that very few people out there will ever understand how I felt last week (thank you all my military friends), but thank you to all of you who TRIED....it means so much to me. Several of my "non-military" friends said that I was strong and that what I am handling amazed them. Ya know what I'm tired of saying "oh its nothing you can do it too." They can do it, and would if they HAD too, but right now I am going to (pat on back here) accept it with grace and say "yep I am strong, and I do have amazing strength." Funny how fearing for your husband in the "EVIL FACE" of DANGER can do that to you. I'm ready to face the week and the world if I have too. But this week I'll be making Lemon Shakes...do you care to join me?

I hate this...

2009-06-04T12:55:00.002-04:00

I hate feeling this way, I hate pretending its a good day, when its not. I hate that people can't understand (its not their fault they haven't lived it). I hate that this gets minimized and put in little boxes for everyone else. This is my life, and this week its been WILD. I feel like its so turned upside down. It's not really, I mean its just lonely.

Ya know I have said it before and I'll say it again, its not the big stuff you miss (its not even the sex although that sucks too LOL) it's the little things they do when they are home. He would have mowed the yard this week-end for me while the boys and I were busy running. He would keep KD and wait for Seth to get off the bus while I ran the boys back and forth to the HS for conditioning. Now I can take them all, and I can grab Seth an hour early, but OMG do I miss him.

I miss him more when I know that there is "shit" going on down there and I can't help him. I miss him when I know that "they" get better treatment/protection than the military men/women do. I hate that I have NO CONTROL over any of this...not even my emotions this week.

Yep its all part of the job, and yep it will be over soon, and yep, yep, yep....I swear to you it doesn't make it any better. There truly is NOTHING anyone can say to make me feel like this is FIXED. But I will survive and I will work thru this week like I did the last one, and the one before that. He'll be home sooner than later, and realistically I know that, today it just seem so very far away.

I hope that today you all take one second...just one second to look at your significant other and say or even think "thank you" for loving me and for being here, because when they aren't and you can't say it, its really, really hard...and honestly we all forget to be grateful for our lives. So my challenge to you is (thanks Aaron for reminding me with your note) to find the beauty in your lives and your relationships. Hopfeully tomorrow brings me a few more smiles than today, but I will keep on going...its my job.

Sometimes....

2009-06-02T20:54:00.002-04:00

....not knowing is better than actually knowing. This AM Shayne called and said "when it hits the news I'm ok." Of course my first response is what happened...and yep all you military wives know the answer to that and so did I as soon as it came out of my mouth, but of course I got the "I'm fine don't worry about me today." Thats code for "can't tell you" and I know that, but it sucks.

Now part of me is like OMG why did you call, but in watching the news 11 hrs later I got a blip of what happened, and was like "oh damn it." So although I worried and wished I hadn't known all day, if he hadn't had 23 seconds to call and say I'm fine, I'd have been devastated and sick with worry.

So sometimes that no news is good news is a good thing. I miss him so much, and today was tough but he's fine, and I'm fine (tired and need a break) but we keep plowing ahead, and hopefully sooner than later I can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" usually the 1/2 way point it gets harder emotionally but the days "look" like the dwindle quicker. So until then I'll just "go with it."

One day at a time....

2009-05-31T13:17:00.003-04:00

.....that's how Shayne is getting thru. At least that was our conversation this AM. He is doing fine, and I know he'll be ok (much better than last week-end). But I heard him this time say "I get thru it one day at a time," and I felt a tug on my heart strings, because that's how I got thru the last one. But this time...although I am still getting thru one day at a time, its been so much easier on me. Like the right now I have 100 things we have to get done before school lets out in two weeks, so although my heart misses him so much and it hurts to breathe with out him here, I don't have time to wallow in it. OMG that sounds heartless, but I can't...I just can't be as "lost and depressed" as I was the last time.

I worry about him and his "mental" state with where he is and the type of "issues" he deals with, but I know he's ok, and every moment he gets thru is one day closer to getting back to us. I can't imagine, nor do I really want too, what it is he is living. But this time he's doing much better being involved in the kids lives, and actually listening to them.

Deployments suck for anyone and everyone, but they are a downfall to the job, and its just that it's a job. We'll see it thru and hopefully on the other side get a couple years uninterrupted before the next one. However deployments have this underlying POSITIVE thing for so many of us, if we can just SEE the END before we get there. For those of us left at home, we can do the IMPROVEMENTS we want, but they hate LOL cause we'll they aren't here LOL. We can pay bills the way we want, we can go to the places they don't like because they aren't here, and we can IMPROVE ourselves. We can look DEEP inside and heal the past problems or short comings that we have and we can be better individuals.

So how you face a deployment makes all the difference in your life. Time goes only so fast, and the emotions run hot and cold every moment of every day, but it doesn't have to be an "end of life as you know it" situation. You can chose to thrive during a deployment and fix yourself and the stuff around you till they come home. And for me, although its TECHNICALLY one day at a time, even one hour at a time. We're a different crew TOGETHER this time...and Shayne well we can't fix it for him, but I can tell you he is so very PROUD of how we are doing, and what we are doing to keep OUR life on the course we picked so many years ago.

Lost....

2009-05-30T04:52:00.002-04:00

....in thought most of the time. Some day's its good, some day's its bad, but most of the time, its just what it is. I wished I was a person who could say "OM Gosh this AMAZING epiphany came over me today and I um solved a crisis." But nope I am just an ordinary married woman with kids.

Yesterday was a tough day for me....and I actually can say I had my very first melt down (thank God I was alone on the cell phone with my dear sister in law Terri). Now like every thing so far in military life I survived, and the situation worked itself out. Shayne is fine, the kids are doing fine, and me, well I worked THRU the wall (yep runners sorry it exists in real life too...oh how I remember that 3rd turn back straight a way by the last light post...Thanks dad for always being over there). So here I am on the cusp of a new day (waiting for the sun to come up) and I am reevaluating where I see myself.

Some days I feel like [insert kids' name here] mom, or Shayne's wife, or PTA board member. But I am not always sure who I am. So when Shayne called last night and I got my tears out (whew hate the phone service and deployments), I realized that I am NOT only the above listed, I am me, and that I am a good person. I just need to believe in myself more. I find it amazing that my husband and kids believe more in me than I do most of the time. I gotta ask myself if I've been like this forever or if I ever had the confidence to be who I am? My dear friend Aaron would say I was always too hard on myself and I sold myself short, and looking back I gotta wonder if that's true.

I am on the road to recovery....on a strict WW regime, I am working out (slowly building up), and I am blogging again, and writing (someday I'll be brave enough to TRY and get stuff published...not there yet Melanie I'm trying though) and I am taking care of me. I guess that "baby steps" are the way to go. I have to believe in me, instead of just worrying about everyone else. And when I got the chance to talk to Shayne about this, he was like "honey you can do it." Just a short sentence that was the LIGHT BULB to my THOUGHTS recently. I know I can get thru this deployment, I have before (SSDD) but this time I want to do it with more style and grace than before...and ya know what? I think I might just be heading in that direction.

Have a great Saturday everyone, and remember that life is what you make of it and its short, so LOVE the heck out of it.

Spent a lot of....

2009-05-25T20:13:00.006-04:00

....time thinking today. Shayne is gone for this holiday and although we watch the news coverage and say a few silent prayers, we don't do anything monumental for Memorial Day. For our family, we are lucky enough to have our parents and grandparents alive who fought in past wars, but for many people in this country they do not. Today when I was thinking about the history of Memorial Day and the significance of this day to our country, tons of stuff crosses my mind.

As so many men and women are away from their families today (Shayne included) I find my mind to wondering to not only the past as I BELIEVE it should, but to all of them still fighting for our country. Agree or disagree with the direction of our country and the wars we are currently in, that doesn't allow us to FORGET about those BRAVE men and women, or to IGNORE their needs when they get home. It's often said in online banter back an forth that "if you don't agree/support our troops, then get in front of them" well in anger I can actually UNDERSTAND this comment. But here's the twist to why I BELIEVE in our military, no matter how angry people are, or how condemning to them they are when these men and women return home, these BRAVE men and women would NEVER let anyone take their place, much less get in FRONT of them. That's one of the greatest examples of why AMERICA (in all the good and bad) is truly the best country in which to live.

I have a brother-in-law who has been to Iraq three times, and the second time he went, his wife was upset at the hideous comments she heard about the troops and the war. So in one of their phone calls she told him about it, and how repulsed she was. Wanna know what he said or do you already know? He said "honey this is what I am fighting for, so that [people] like them can have their opinions, even if I think they are wrong." So, the next time we want to say something mean, degrading, condescending, or just plain STUPID, lets remember that these men, women, and their families are willing to die for you, and have in years past. So lets agree to disagree about the wars all we want, but lets take a moment as often as we can to CELEBRATE these people and give them our THANKS.

When is the time right.....

2009-05-20T17:10:00.002-04:00

....last night I was feeling really sad about Shayne being gone, and I'm sick, and I needed him to understand. So when he called for our 2 minute phone call last night, I was "mushy and teary" and he said what is wrong? So I said I miss you I'm ready for you to come home. His response "its too early to start this." Well ok, maybe it is, but last night it wasn't for me.....now understand the last time he was gone, I was a BASKET case every day (although I hid it from the kids a lot), and this time I'm "rolling along, and taking it like a big brave dog" (gotta love the Rugrats) LOL, but once in awhile it gets tiring.

So what I want to know is when am I allowed to feel this way? I mean is there some written law somewhere that says you have to wait till the 1/2 way point to be sad? I mean come on. So needless to say on my least favorite day of the week, Wednesday, I stewed about it. OMG looking back I was less happy than a cow chewing its cud that's for sure. But I'm fine, I managed to "get over it" funny how anger does that for ya LOL.

Here I sit tonight thinking that I "knew it all" I was "well prepared" this time, but just goes to show how quick life throws you a curve ball. The only true difference between last night and the last time...I RECOVERED, and I did it QUICKLY and with STYLE and GRACE. Yep I am a Navy wife, and I'm proud of it...even if I'm not happy with him every single day...its NORMAL, and I'm ok with NORMAL, at least tonight.

I just walked out...

2009-05-17T16:01:00.002-04:00

....I suddenly realized that I NEEDED a break. Its been a LONG, BUSY, week-end, and its been good (see POOL blog) but here is my LUCK this past week...its POURING STILL. I finally have a pool to ENTERTAIN the kids for an EXTENDED period of time, and its RAINING.

I did talk to Shayne and he sounded good, but all the sudden we hung up, and I just felt "disconnected" literally. I got up, got dressed, said to the kids I'll be back I have the cell phone, and I gave myself a time out. I walked thru the garden department (yep no roof, in the rain...buying Hostas for around my pool) and I can tell you that the best time to SHOP is when you are "disconnected" from life. I mean there was truly NOTHING I wanted to spend money on...at this exact moment, Shayne just took a deep breath,and cheered LOL. Don't get TOO excited honey, I did spend a couple dollars, got the Hostas and a BUG zapper...whooo hooooo soon the mosquitoes will be GONE out back...or at least ZAPPED...yea me.

My friends Peggie and Laurie (they are going darn it she needs to quit referencing us LOL) reminded me when I was "SAILING" thru this first month, that there there would be DAYS...and they are right. I told ya earlier that week-ends and rainy days kill me. I did manage to get his license renewal fee paid so guess he still gets to stay employed (happy now aren't ya honey LOL).

We are all doing fine, and we will emerge on the other side stronger, more determined than before he left, but some days I just need a "mommy time-out" and today was it, and I guess on the POSITIVE side at least it was KINDA productive. I do think I need a Starbucks don't I gang...maybe I'll go on back out and grab one. Till tomorrow, when I hope the SUN burns off this rain...have a great night.

Alone with my thoughts

2009-05-16T20:01:00.004-04:00

...have you ever been in a busy room and felt completely alone? I have been in a whirlwind of activity all day, but have been so alone. I am bored on the week-ends they kill me when Shayne is gone, but its part of the job.

So today as I was grocery shopping, I realized I did something NEW, and I did it alone. Its not some huge deal, but I really NEED to stop and take stock every time I do something else I haven't done, because it can only serve to help me face any fears I have down the road.

Ok, so you wanna know what I did right? Well in all the years Shayne has been in the Navy, I have NEVER gone to a case sale at the commissary by myself (even the last time he was deployed I AVOIDED them LOL). Now its not like its some HUGE deal, I mean its cases of stuff...for example I got an entire case (12 cans) of SPAM (yes my kids LOVE it...go figure) for $9. Now as you know that is a GREAT deal since SPAM is almost $2 a can on average. So I did do it, and I did stay UNDER my budget for groceries, and got a TON of stuff to get by till next pay day....so yeah me.

I so WANT to do things that are BETTER for me, BETTER for US. But some days, the sheer terror associated with making changes that we all face is overwhelming. I miss him so much, and when I'm busy...its not that I miss him less, but I have less time to dwell on...where he is, what he's doing, how it feels like he is never coming home...even though I know he is LOL.

So tonight as I sit here with kids running around, and the TV on, and Mack waiting on the computer, and me just tired. I realized I am completely alone to deal with this all, and at the moment I am doing fine...not great, but fine. Tomorrow is a new day, and we'll see how it goes. But for now, I am going to be PROUD of me for doing something new.

No phone calls....no emails....

2009-05-14T21:28:00.004-04:00

....no news...Oh my. I feel like today I am dragging my butt along that DIRTY yellow brick road. But by damn it when I get to the "Great Oz" he's gonna open that darn curtain and do some listening. I have a running list of things I want, need, have to have done to NOT lose my mind today.

Its been a month, and I'm doing so much better than the last time but, some days it is truly a TRIAL by FIRE here. I'm looking at my house, and I'm wondering where the hell the hurricane went that came on through my kitchen, living room...oh hell just the whole darn house. I watched the weather channel not a hurricane in the forecast, but I know there was one because my house is DESTROYED.

Ya know that phrase "no news is good news" well its NOT true. I think that I can honestly speak for many Military Wives and say this SUCKS, and it SUCKS BIG TIME some days. Now I can do this, and I will because I HAVE too for our family, our kids, my husband, and well for me...cause I can't stand buckles and long white sleeves ROFL. I look better in much darker colors LOL.

OK well got it off my chest, and I'm ready to pick up and head to bed....well maybe I'll just get up early LOL....the dirt will still be here. Hang in there honey whatever you are doing....I am thinking of you.

Alone on the 50 yard line....

2009-05-13T20:24:00.003-04:00

....for those of you who know me or follow any of my blogs, you all know this family is a die hard football family....we count down till training, we live to sit in the rain, and cheer for our kids, the Browns, and the Buckeyes. But tonight I sat alone on the 50 yd line. At Mack's last game I walked in right at kick off...go figure the one in this family always getting there 15 minutes early was driving like a bat out of hell to get there LOL....I miss Shayne. I did however take Freida tonight LOL wonder if he KNEW from that other country he's in LOL. None the less Freida had gas, my van was on empty...besides it needed RUN.

Anyway, I got up in our usual spot, and I felt suddenly all alone. I am so used to him being beside me so I can say "was that call on Mack/Osten (whichever one is playing) was that their hole they got through?" It truly is all the small things (yes you are humming Blink 182 now aren't you LOL).

So enough RAMBLING tonight, I want to tell you what you missed tonight Shayne...you unfortunately missed the best playing I have ever seen out of Mack...it was even better than that undefeated year, where I was sleeping with the coach...LOL yep you big guy. He double teamed every play, he caused 2 fumbles, he almost got a sack, he had to be REMOVED from the field by the REFs LOL...no don't panic he wasn't swearing or fighting LOL he was BLEEDING...are ya jealous now honey? But the best was he walked off, got taped and headed right back out, and the REF was like "nope gotta sit out a play" LOL he was taught well...be proud.

The season ended 4-2...not bad I guess....would be lying if I didn't say I WANTED an undefeated season, but hey I'll share LOL. I missed you tonight, and I so wished you were here, but know that I stepped up and delivered the 1/2 time lecture and the bottle of water...and I even said stuff you would say "do you need stitches? Then get the hell back out there LOL" I did you proud, and Mack, well he did both of us PROUD tonight.

I hope that you know how loved and missed you were tonight. I PROMISE to do my job and yours when JV and HS ball starts this summer. Be safe and be strong.

One Month in....

2009-05-12T17:42:00.003-04:00

...OMGosh I can't believe I am typing those darn words again. Seems like yesterday I did this same darn post. But no such luck its a new go round. This time a cake every month just seemed gross. So for Mother's Day my kids got me these great Speciality Apples and they came in today....I took it as a SIGN (we all know I am big into those LOL). Anyway, this year we will be venturing down a new road and trying something different each month to mark how far we have come.

I can tell you its been...easier...doesn't seem like the right word, but for lack of a better one, easier works....this time. I know its because there are less "big" holidays to deal with the end of the school year is so busy that time flies. I know there will be LOTS of crappy days, but this time I am MORE prepared, and I know now that I CAN get thru them, and I will.

My husband is an amazing man, who has surprised me in so many ways over the years, but the sheer SUPPORT, LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT, and CHIVALRY he has shown me just melts my heart. A friend of mine who did a SPOTLIGHT on my family this month (check out her Rebuilding America Starts with Family web site...its a FANTASTIC site), told me that we have a "love story" and when I feel the sadness passing this time, I think of that, so THANK you Melanie for those words, I am more grateful than you can imagine, those two little words have gotten me thru a this month.

I hope that those of you who follow this blog will drop me a few IDEAS for next months "sweet" celebration...no cake or cupcakes here this year :)

Resignation to my husband

2009-05-09T13:23:00.002-04:00

Below is my resignation from my job. I have decided to MOVE on, and see the world.

I will be packing my bags, and heading to the airport via a taxi cab so I don't have to drive and pay long term parking.

I will be packing shorts so I will be heading south to see my husband who is currently on a Caribbean Island, getting lean, and tan. I will be sipping Mai Tai's on the beach with him by tomorrow, watching the sunset and then the sunrise in his arms.

And if he's working, well I'll wait. I have had my fill of rain, and an empty bed, so wanted you to know that effective immediately is my resignation from all of this

See you soon

Just thought you'd get a chuckle about what I miss, and what I want to do. I love you sweetie.

Wished I could rush this along, but we're almost 1 month in so soon it'll be time for cake and candles, we can do it. Be safe honey.

On strike

2009-05-06T16:46:00.002-04:00

....that's what I feel like saying today. I mean I have been plowing thru everyday for the past few weeks...only a few tears...I mean its been Ok. That sounds awful to say, but I think Shayne and I are doing good this time. But, today I just want a break. Ya know being a SAHM is great a lot of days, but I am so TIRED of cleaning the same darn room and doing the same darn clothes every single day.

Ok, got it out of my system for a few minutes, I miss my husband, and I'll work thru it, and be fine, but its rainy, and I'm tired, and well I'm just....just getting thru. My SIL told me that she could do 6 months on her head, but she just got done with a year+ with her husband gone, and she's right, hell today I could do 3 months on my head but 7+ months seems so far away today.

I'm not crying in my gin and juice this time, I am actually making changes, and they are POSITIVE, but some days, it would be nice just to say "its your turn honey." But today, I'm gonna make dinner...AGAIN....and bath kids AGAIN...and get them all ready for bed...and sit down with a cup of coffee and hope and pray that my husband is doing ok, and maybe he can call me tonight.

Today.....

2009-04-21T12:15:00.001-04:00

....is Shayne's birthday, and I have sent two presents out to his brother (who lives near the base he's at for the next week) to give to him so he knows we are thinking of him. Now my SIL, Terri, OMGosh do I love her, she's amazing, is going to get him a cake too. For everything they are doing for him this week, I am so very grateful...but I am sad too....I wanna be able to do stuff for him, and I want to be able to kiss him when he turns 39 and starts that final voyage to the big 40...yea, yea I know it's not ancient...but remember when it was oh those years ago LOL.

I think that this will be the first birthday of his I will have missed in the 17 years we have known each other. Honey, I am so sorry I can't be there to kiss you and bust on you about being MY age (at least for 6 months LOL)...but I PROMISE I'll have a couple drinks here in your honor, and maybe even a cake...the Wii Fit will be unhappy, but who cares LOL.

I so love you Shayne and I am so PROUD of you. Happy Birthday honey.

Monday, Monday.....

2009-04-20T14:47:00.001-04:00

I can't believe its MONDAY again, I mean we are over one week into this deployment, and I am NOT crying every day. Some moments I feel myself catching my breath and think "oh no not yet...its too soon" but then I think its ok, to occasionally feel lost, and alone, and sad...but OMG the difference KNOWING...really KNOWING how much you are loved helps.

I got Wii fit and have been doing it and I am down 3.10 lbs...I am so excited that I am making those changes I can hardly wait to see the person I can become while he's gone this time.

I have my moments...like I was supposed to go to the commissary to grocery shop, but I just couldn't do it this pay...I will next one. I did have two dinners out that I PROMISED myself we weren't gonna do, but you know what they say about the "best laid plans" LOL.

I have found that week-ends for me are the hardest...and you'd think with the kids home it would all be ok, but see that's the usual time we're home together, we drink, we talk, we have Friday "date night" and we dance in our living room together. So I hate the week-ends.

I told the kids we were gonna save for a pool this year...not a great one, just one that they can all get in, so that they GET OUT of the HOUSE once in awhile LOL. I am hoping maybe next month I can swing that outta the bill money but we'll see. I want to see my husband, and talk to him...and talking will happen before the seeing of him, but I so miss him.

I am holding on, and I am better than last time, but there is truly no way around a deployment sucking. I mean the good days are crappy, the bad days are like the 7th circle of Hell, but w/o that person you love, your soul mate beside you, its tough. Now that being said I am one HELL of a strong woman, and I'll be damned if this deployment beats me/us....we're gonna come out the other side stronger than we were, and I know that...all I have to do is get through 7 more months of this...and ya know what...I can do it.

One week

2009-04-19T10:07:00.004-04:00

Well gang we are officially ONE week into this deployment...feels like LONGER already. I have been more POSITIVE and in CONTROL this time, but some days I feel like I'm spinning downward, so I have to grab on and take a deep breath. I LOVE being a military wife, and I WORSHIP the ground my husband walks on, but man some days I am so pissed he is gone. I want him here, doing whatever it is that he does LOL.

Ok got it out of my system and I'm ready to get moving on the day...see MOODY. Last night was the last official night we'd for sure get to talk for a bit, and although I knew it was coming, it still broke my heart. I do know he LOVES me and I do know he MISSES me, but telling myself that some days is really hard to do.

He got to meet people this time and build relationships before he gets down there, and that will help him so much. He did say he also worked it out with one of his buddies so he isn't working the midnight shift for the whole 7 months, he's gonna work daylight until his friend needs a break. That alone will help him more than the last time....life will be on a NORMAL schedule for awhile at least.

I have had my moments, but they are few and far between compared to the last time. I do feel more in control of myself and my feelings than the last time...but then I remind myself its only been a week LOL and I take another deep breath and say "its all gonna be ok...and I think I can, I think I can." Ya think as a military wife we ever say "I KNOW I can...I KNOW I can" or do we just ROLL with it no matter what? Man we are a tough group of "old broods aren't we LOL" Thanks for reading my dear friends.

2nd time is easier

2009-04-15T15:54:00.006-04:00

....so far. Shayne is gone again and this time although I miss him so much, saying NO we aren't spending any more money this pay, and what are we cooking are great things I didn't say the last time.

A friend of mine said that the 2nd time is easier because the worries we had the first time, aren't the ones we have this time. This time we KNOW they love us, and we know that they miss us. I feel that inner peace she is talking about, and for that Peggie my dear friend THANK YOU...once again you have me centered and ready to take on the world.

I PROMISED myself I was gonna try new things, and be a BETTER person than I was the last time. So today I did take every extra penny in my change jar, car, purse, and then added like $60 to it and got Wii Fit. I am going to be skinny the OLD fashioned way before hubby comes home. Ya know I say OLD fashioned but what I mean is that lapband I was gonna get done, I am not doing it while he's deployed. And its not that I don't agree with it, its just that 1. I don't wanna have an elective surgery with him deployed...can you imagine the issues of OMG I died during surgery. And 2. I just want/NEED to prove to myself I can do this. I am GOING to do this. I have this MAIN goal, and lets be honest any loss will be attaining this goal, so I figure I can't fail right?

I have to tell you, Shayne isn't the verbal "I love you honey" type of guy, but you saw his Good-bye to me, and his big PDA...well last night he said "I love you." Now most of you are saying "yea so what he should." Well that's true but we have this thing where he doesn't say it all the time because if he did, I wouldn't remember when he did say it. Now that may seem stupid, but I KNOW he loves me and I have always KNOWN...but after 17 years I can tell every single time he has said those three magical words to me...and I know lots of women out there can't. So before anyone says "yeah so what he should" take a second and think...really think when was the last time your DH said "I love you" and it wasn't in response to you saying before bed or when you hang up the phone? Bet those words mean more now don't they?

Happy Wednesday gang.

The count down begins

2009-04-12T18:26:00.001-04:00

Ya know 212 days is nothing in the over all scheme of life, but boy it sure sounds long at the moment. He's at the airport and will be getting on the plain in 30 minutes. We're back home, and its quiet. Dropping him off this time was so different than the last time....the kids are older, it was later in the day so they were awake. I cried, they hugged him, he teared up (had to put on those sun glasses LOL) and as he kissed me good-bye on the lips...in public (not something we ever do...kinda prudish like that LOL) he handed me a coin....it was the Navy Spouse coin. I was floored...I know he'll miss me, and I know he loves me but to take time to think about something that kind, just melted my heart.

I am going to be more POSITIVE this time, and I am going to work on GOALS...although canasta and booze the last time ROCKED...I think I am going to make changes, and improvements in me that I've been putting off for a lot of years. So get ready gang I'll keep you updated.

Marry me again.....

2009-03-28T16:05:00.004-04:00

OMG thats what I logged on to see when I got on Facebook the other day. My dear husband posted this as his status and sent this picture:

On the Island there are Chaplains? Don't mind Desert Uniform? The most beautiful place I have seen. Heaven talks to you there. Marry me again, there?

Now I am always on him to be ROMANTIC to me on there so my friends know how and why I love you as much as I do. Now I am eating my words can you think of anything more romantic than that? He is my hero and the love of my life. I will miss him so much when he leaves, but I am gonna work like hell to be an even better person when he comes back to us.

Time Together

2009-03-25T17:23:00.005-04:00

Well this deployment Shayne took 30 days off before he leaves. Now this is a blessing and a curse. I know, I know sounds just plain bitchy, but I can tell you that as much as I cry when he's gone, I wanna cry he's up my butt and messing up my schedules being home in the bed, or the recliner, or well just under foot.

I know that in a few weeks, I'll be a blubbering idiot walking around lost without him, but today, I'm ok with a break. I find myself frustrated once again with the "hurry up and wait" thing that goes on with the military, and you'd think I'd be getting used to it, but right now I just want this damn thing to start and get done.

We are hoping to see each other this summer for a few days, but I have learned to NOT count on anything. I have several missions this time, and I am hoping to see some POSITIVE changes. My fear is that this time we live in our own house, and any major problems we might have (God Forbid) will all the sudden have to be my problem...not just a realtor's. Oh well I have since figured out that if it's not one thing it's another, so guess its life.

I have found so much support with old friends I have found on Facebook. Pretty cool, I love my family, and they are an amazing support, but some days its tough to keep saying the same thing over and over, and I'm sure they get sick of hearing it. I mean 9 months is a long time to listen to someone bitching, whining, crying and complaining ya know. Now I have an way to talk to other people who know and love me, and help keep my family a bit saner LOL.

So this is the downhill trek to his departure, and we are surviving. I will check in more often after he's gone...but you all know that already LOL.

Together

2009-03-02T16:23:00.003-05:00

This time before Shayne deploys we are gonna get to spend some time together w/o him having to go to work. I am excited, and nervous at the same time. I find us TALKING more...OMG that would be a crime LOL...NOT but we have time to feel each other out, and sometimes that makes things a bit scary. We all know what is coming this time, although I am sure with NEW twists.

So last night we sat up talking, having a couple bottles of wine, and well you know *wink wink* till 4 am. I don't know the last time we stayed up together till 4 am...holy cow I did pay for it today. I just felt so close to him when we were dancing in the middle of our living room at 11pm...no kids, no TV, just us and or favorite songs. I so love my husband, and I know we will come out the other side of this deployment "different...stronger" hopefully "better" people. Separations for any reason are hard, but having done it once I think I am more prepared this time.

I am going to do this one POSITIVE, and you all are gonna be along for the ride. Your job when you read this is to REMIND me there will be an END in time and that I CAN do this. Thank you all my friends for being my friends

Guess What....

2009-02-23T10:28:00.006-05:00

Well first let me say that there is something about a military wife that understands everything you are going thru when your husband is deployed. The last time Shayne left, I had great friends next door and we got together every week and they along with my Cafemom friends got me thru that deployment.

Well this time I don't have hardly any friends here yet, but I did meet a great military wife whose husband is also an officer in the Navy and get this, he is deploying a few weeks before Shayne. So together we are going to get each other thru these next long months.

I know I can do this, I mean I already have, but I am still scared. I am going into this in a better, more positive frame of mind than I did the first time. I want to accomplish something this time, I want to see changes in me that I never take the time to do. Now I'll have time to focus on me...and that's what I am going to do.

I have a couple other blogs that I blog on and will continue too throughout this adventure, so check in often and see if I am doing it this time.

But with another military wife beside me I think I'm ready.

Here we go again....

2009-02-11T14:07:00.002-05:00

Well the news came down last night that Shayne is going to deploy again. I know that this should be easier to deal with this time. But its not. I am in a new town, new state, new house, and not a ton of friends here, and pretty soon all of them in school and activities.

Since Shayne got home a lot has changed in our lives. We own our first home, and we love it...but there is so much still to do. The fence that needed replaced this spring is gonna have to be done ASAP since he's leaving in month...but its ok, we can do it. Our youngest son was dx with Asperger syndrome, and its forced us to all function together in different ways.

Our lives seem so right at the moment, and as soon as I walked in last night and he was home already and I did what all wives do "why are you home early" and he said "do you wanna drink" I just knew my heart fell and I said "damn it are you getting deployed again?" and the answer was yes.

I, well we can do this I know we have done it already. But this time its 3 months longer, he'll miss both the boys playing football, and wrestling...both are things that they all do together. I can look at this positively and say...well at least he'll be home our son's senior year...but today that doesn't make it feel any better.

So "here we go again....." is my life today. Welcome back to this blog gang...it'll be busy.

Springtime yet?

2007-02-26T19:05:00.000-05:00

I am loving this weather...sorry all my SNOWED in friends to my North...but today I realized why I wanted to move to the South.

See photo below it explains it all.....

Today it was almost 70 degrees and sunny. We grilled out and had a small picnic. Its odd doing this stuff without Shayne, but we've learned that its just the way it is.

I know that its only about 2.5 weeks and we'll all we together but it seems like FOREVER still. I mean when is it gonna seem like this crap is finally over?

I have learned to enjoy my kids more than ever. They make me nuts and I can't wait for daddy to come home and deal with some of the stuff, but I have had so much fun just hanging out with them many of the days that Shayne's been gone.

I can hear in Shaynes voice on the phone that he's doing so much better, he's acutally beginning his check out procedures.....funny how when I want to pack a month before we go on vacation he looks at me nuts but now he's getting a taste of the resposibilites of the "check list to leave" LOL. Funny how its only a small taste...in a couple months I'll be doing it for 6 of us again. But I can't wait.

Anyway, we are holding our own, just very busy. Spring and the end of a deployment tend to do that to ya I guess. Hope this finds you well.

Its been awhile

2007-02-16T04:50:00.000-05:00

I have been completely unfocused, and not wanting to write at all. Many things have happened since the Super Bowl. I got more depressed the closer we got the the 30 day mark which symbolically was the 14th of February...Well Happy Valentines day huh? I thought the longer this went on, the easier it would get. Not easier in the sense that I would be happy and smiling, and well NORMAL, but easier....IT DIDN'T. I found that Shayne and I were both more and more depressed with the entire situation. The sad thing for me is that he gets over it so much quicker than I do...I mean I dwell, and continue the downward spiral, he moves on. Maybe that's what men do I don't know.

I do know that today we SHOULD BE 28 days from the end of this deployment. Official papers will be available on Monday when he goes and gets them...HOPEFULLY. Funny how they send him an email to tell him he's leaving early, but won't email the letter to say you get to go home. Who knows, I have long since stopped trying to figure the military and what they are doing LOL.

So I have a MISSION...Oh my gosh ANOTHER one LOL. But I do really, I am gonna get back on SCHEDULE today if it kills me. I want my house cleaned before the little ones lay down for naps today...And they are LAYING DOWN LOL.

My dear KD is working hard on potty training, she is so excited everyday she talks to daddy to tell him she went to the potty and she's wearing Dora underwear LOL. Seth just wants dad to drive home LOL. He did tell me he couldn't fly home because he doesn't have wings. Little does he know Shayne is my Angel and he does have wings. We also celebrated the 5 months down mark with our traditional monthly cake, and my husband bought me and AMAZING Valentines Day gift...a Queen for a day package at a local Spa. I've driven by it, and its beautiful. I however added money too it and made it a couples package for US when he comes home. I'm pretty excited.

I love my life, but I will love it a LOT more in 28 days. Thanks for always reading, and commenting gang, its nice to read.

Its over....

2007-02-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

...football season that is, and GO COLTS. It was a hard day to sit here and watch that game w/o Shayne, but we survived. He called during 3rd quarter, and it was nice to hear his voice.

I don't know how to get through some of these days, I mean he's been gone FOREVER now, its supposed to get easier but a friend of mine said "there's light at the end of the tunnel" which is true, but I can't reach the light. I feel like I'm running through fog, and I just can't breathe right.

I used to just pray for him to be safe, and to make it through to the end. Now I am back to begging God to make this go quicker....I NEED this to be over. I NEED him home to fix stuff, and hold me, and talk to me, and bitch about the bills, and hold me, oh yeah I said that LOL guess I miss that a lot tonight.

I hope that when this is over we find US again, and we don't find we are LOST. I don't want to be another casualty of this awful war. I want to just get back to some semblance of normal, and I want to smile again and feel it like I used too.

When all else fails

2007-01-31T07:05:00.000-05:00

to FIX it...what do you do? Well I took a bath, and some cold medicine, and unplugged the phone. Didn't FIX the loneliness, or the worry, but I did get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep so thats good.

Tonight when I talked to Shayne he sounded tired, bored, unhappy. I sent him on a SHOPPING mission. I told him that I didn't get great Christmas presents the least he could do was send me flowers, tea from China, or something by far more romantic to celebrate Valentines Day. Which he so HATES....he says it is a Hallmark holiday...LOL. But last night he and one of the "GIRLS" (I love those three women (and the few men) he works with on nights, they are great)....anyway he and one of 'em were looking for something UNIQUE. So I am excited, to see what they come up with.

The night shift gang is a topic for another blog, but a rough background on them is that they call themselves the "A Team" and when Shayne was looking at going to days,(because NIGHTS were killing him) they were crushed. So for the past 4+ months he has been on nights, so the TEAM could stay together, and they sure are a crew.....They actually just lost one of their little team mates, he got to board his plane and head onto the next mission...so Good Luck "Shrek" you will be missed. Oh, and your DIRECTIONS to get to my DESTINATION in January ROCKED...I didn't get lost at all, and I sent him back in a good mood..LOL...Thanks so much.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to...lets see...remind me of what? Oh yeah, that I dont' know how to fix it,but I do know how to get through it....wanna know? You get through it one day, one moment, one second at a time, and when those moments are over, you move onto the next ones...until FINALLY the end is in site, and your HERO calls and says "the plane lands tomorrow."

Its ALMOST over

2007-01-29T20:38:00.000-05:00

well great...I should be DANCING naked or something right? Well ALMOST in military sense is something completely different than what Websters Dictionary and the rest of the CIVILIZED word defines it. I mean for me its 46 more days....not a lot right? But we still have NO ORDERS to OFFICIALLY tell us he'll be home. So everytime Shayne says "honey its ALMOST over" I wanna throw up. I mean ALMOST is nowhere near close enough to make me feel better tonight.

I miss him so much still today that it hurts, I mean Oh My Gosh my heart is still BROKEN. I get through the days (and nights) ok, but I constantly feel as though I am MISSING something, and I am. I am missing my husband, my best friend, the love of my life. There is TRULY a hole in my heart since he's been gone.

I was reading an article today that a very kind hearted, and brave military wife was saying that her husband was finally coming home, after 2 extensions. OMG I will lose my ever loving mind if he gets extended. I can't imagine counting the days/weeks/months/seasons whatever you count to find out IT IS NEVER ENDING. Holy crap I can't even imagine being that BRAVE. Oh well I am surviving, and at this point in the deployment I think thats all I'm supposed to be doing. I miss him so much, BUT "It's ALMOST over" at least thats his story and he's sticking to it LOL.

Fifty Ways To Love Your Partner

2007-01-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

I found this in my Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul and this wonderful story is written by Mark & Chrissy Donnelly. When I read it I KNEW it was the checklist I needed in my life....check it our for yourself. I am putting the ones We've done in BOLD, and ya know MOST I learned during this deployment.

1. Love yourself first.
2. Start each day with a hug.
3. Serve breakfast in bed.
4. Say "I love you" every time you part ways.
5. Compliment freely and often.
6. Appreciate - and celebrate - your differences.
7. Live each day as if it's your last.
8. Write unexpected love letters.
9. Plant a seed together and nuture it to maturity.
10 Go on a date once every week.
11 Send flowers for no reason. (to him I sent BOXES)
12 Accept and love each others' family and friends.
13 Make little signs that say "I love you" and post them all over the house.
14 Stop and smell the roses.
15 Kiss unexpectedly. (learned this one our 96 hours together)
16 Seek out beautiful sunsets together.
17 Apologize sincerely.
18 Be forgiving.
19 Remember the day you fell in love -- and recreate it. (didn't recreate it but we talked about it TOGETHER)
20 Hold hands. (learned this one on our 96 hours together too)
21 Say "I love you" with your eyes.
22 Let her cry in your arms. (he's done this forever)
23 Tell him you understand.
24 Drink toasts of love and contentment.
25 Do something arousing.
26 Let her give you directions when you're lost.
27 Laugh at his jokes.
28 Appreciate her inner beauty.
29 Do the other person's chores for a day. (months I've done his chores LOL)
30 Encourage wonderful dreams.
31 Committ a public display of affection. (again learned this on our 96 hours together)
32 Give loving massages with no strings attached.
33 Start a love journal and record your special moments. (this is it)
34 Calm each other's fears.
35 Walk barefoot on the beach together.
36 As her to marry you again.
37 Say yes.
38 Respect each other.
39 Be your partner's biggest fan.
40 Give the love your partner wants to receive.
41 Give the love you want to receive.
42 Show interest in the other's work.
43 Work on a project together. (we have 4 kids...thats A LOT of projects LOL)
44 Build a fort with blankets.
45 Swing as high as you can on a swing set by moonlight.
46 Have a picnic indoors on a rainy day.
47 Never go to bed mad.
48 Put your partner first in your prayers.
49 Kiss each other goodnight.
50 Sleep like spoons.

So guess I should have made the ones I NEED to do bold LOL. Oh, well if I didn't know we LOVED each other before this list, I do know. He is my hero, and my best friend. I can't wait to FINISH this list when he gets home. Thank you baby for being my lover, and my friend...be safe where you are today, and I'll hold down the home front till you get here.

The end draws near

2007-01-27T20:23:00.000-05:00

or so we hope. Shayne should be released from his TOUR of DUTY on March 17th, and I am so excited. But I am now onto a whole new set of worries (well not new but never the less).

What if the loneliness or independance I have acquired doesn't go away...I don't mean go away completely, but I mean what if we don't get back to US. I miss us so much. I want our life back.

Today the weather was beautiful. Sun, clear sky, and it was 65 degrees, I started up Freida and she ran amazingly. I can't wait to see her leaving the driveway again with my handsome husband in her. I can tell you the closer it gets to spring and him coming home the more scared (thats so NOT proper English LOL) I get.

I want so badly for him to be proud of me, and what if he isn't? I mean what if he is pissed about the credit card. I mean it is only money. I was wrong to spend as much as I did, but can't change that now. I guess what I should worry about is if I am PROUD of myself. And today, as I watched my handsome son play his trombone in County Honors Band, I was amazed that I have done everything that I have in the past 4 months. I know I am stronger, and braver, but I am so lonely. I love him more now than I ever though possible. I guess that if thats all I get out of this deployment than I should be greatful. I know he's changed, and hopefully it is truly all for the good.

I know he loves us more than he knew he did, and I know I am his BEST FRIEND. But is this enough? Guess we'll see. I know that I have missed him so much, and my life is empty w/o him. Not that my kids are amazing, they are. But I don't want to be w/o Shayne. I thought as the end drew nearer, that the fears would turn into excitement, but he's still so far away from me right now, that I can't seem to get over the distance yet. 48 more days...I think thats all. I can do this. Hope this finds you all well, I know its a bit disjointed, but I am feeling that way today sorry gang.

When do the TESTS stop?

2007-01-24T08:10:00.000-05:00

Ok so for those of you reading my SAGA over the past few months you know I have had a FEW big tests in my life. But this week's has truly been the hardest. Let me first remind you that I had my 96 hours with hubby 2 weeks ago LOL, and the first sex I've had in 4+ months. So in all the years of the "monthly visitor" I have rarely, and I do mean rarely been LATE. 2.5 years ago I had my tubes banded after my 4th child. But you see where this is going right? This week's test...I was LATE. Now not a day or two, but 6 (so far) hubby is nervous, and I am not overly excited...I mean I already made the "no more kids" decision. So finally I conceded to getting a darn test.

Oh yeah you want the results? Well one LOOKED like 2 lines, so I cried A LOT, and decided it was so faint that I'd retest this AM, so I did...and only 1 line. I think that officially I can say I am in the SAFE zone, and NOT pregnant. I figure I'll give it till next week to see if I actually start, and if not I'll call my Dr. I mean I know ectopic pregnancies can happen but certainly I should have to worry about this after all these years right?

Anyway, a dear friend of mine on line named Mary said it was just another one of God's test. Hhhhhhmmmmmm ya would think he'd get tired of my crying and begging now wouldn't you and stop testing me during this deployment. But I guess as the saying goes we only get as much as we can handle. Guess I will "hurry up and wait again" and see what happens.

I can do this

2007-01-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

I am woman hear me roar LOL. Well maybe not roar, but I can do this. I talked to my dearest love last night and he sounded excellent....even though he was at work. I have been sending him specific links to my blog, so he can CONNECT in a small way to my daily feelings. He was actually heading to the gym this AM for a work out. I know he's holding his own when he is working out.

I have been thinking A LOT recently and just today came to some CALMING moment. If you belive in God I'd say it was my SIGN. My heart still hurts but as the days get closer to the end, I find it the tightness isn't so much a broken heart but the anticipation of seeing Shayne again here in OUR house. I know that although I haven't said much about praying and talking to God through out this deployment, but I can tell you he's heard it all from me. I can tell you I actually had balls enough to beg him in the beginning, and promise him ANYTHING if he'd send him home. I have sense figured out that this was another test in my life. I'm not sure what the test is, I mean it could be a ton of different things:

Can I learn to be more appreciative of my life and the people in it?

Can I NOT put the kids up for adoption LOL if left alone for an extended period (they are all still here, but report cards come out next week LOL...so we'll see)

Can I pay the bills and NOT create new ones (bills are paid but we do have a new one....ooops)

Can I do this?

I think that I have learned that I love my husband and children more than I could have even imagined before this seperation. I do still WANT to keep the kids LOL. And I have learned to do the bills the RIGHT way, not much I can do about my BIG credit card bill except make payments and PRAY for fogiveness LOL from hubby.

And finally, Can I do this? Well I have done it. I mean its not over, I have SEVERAL days left to go, and even though its called the downhill slide, the backside of the deployment, its not truly any easier. All I can tell you is that you learn to ACCEPT your life, whatever it is, and you deal with it. God has helped me though many long, lonely nights, and even if it was to direct me to a site on the internet, or to this blog, I have gotten through them SO FAR. I will contiue to work HARD to get though the rest intact and come out the other side BETTER for this. Guess only time will tell if I truly CAN DO THIS.

I'm sorry....

2007-01-20T21:50:00.000-05:00

Not the easiest words to say, especially and mean them. But I owe my darling, brave, hero of a husband an apology. I have been so caught up in my OWN depression, misery, and sheer stupidity to actually truly put his situation first. For example, I had the sheer audacity to be pissy because he was gonna go in with a few guys and rent a house on the other side of the base (for all of $40 bucks total LOL) because they wanted a break, and someplace clean to hang out. So I did what all really GREAT wives do, I lectured, and was what...oh yeah pissy.

Tonight he called, and he sounded tired, and distant...and a bit pissy in his own right. Their house fell through, so the guys were bumming around their pig sty. I can tell you that I count the hours till he calls every time, but tonight I felt like an obligation. Not a good one either. I feel bad I ride him so hard, but its truly because I want him to be even better than he knows he can be. He is an amazing man, and maybe he's a dying breed...ya know honorable, kind, honest, and truly brave. I don't know. But I do know tomorrow when he goes to work, I am going to apologize to him for being a bitch.

I am also going to work harder to be a better wife and mother, because right now as I look back at the last 4 months, and how much I've grown and changed, I also see the BAD things I haven't changed, or even tried to change. So as of this very second, I am on the road to recovery. Knowing is half the battle. I'm sure, the next step is to apologize and move forward. He is my best friend, and recently I can tell you I don't think I have put him first in that category. So honey if you are reading this, I am so sorry. I know it sucks there, and I know every moment you would rather be here with us. So I will TRY harder to be more understanding, as hard as it is there, I want you to know you are appreciated and loved more than anything in the entire world. Be safe my hero.

Only 56 days left

2007-01-19T17:09:00.000-05:00

or so we hope. Today my husband's "NEW" boss from the Naval Hospital called me to leave a message for him. Nope they were NOT calling him back early but to find out if there was a different unit he wanted to be assigned too. Maybe if they are calling now he really is going to come home.

I listened to the news last night (not something I usually do if I can help it) but I heard how the trials will be starting soon, and I got nervous that maybe he wouldn't get home when WE think he is supposed to come home LOL but as with any military branch I know we are doing what as military wives...oh yeah "hurry up and WAIT."

He is supposed to call me tonight and I can tell you just sitting here waiting for him to call makes my heart beat out of my chest. Holy crap you'd think I'd be over the whole "BUTTERFLY EFFECT" that as young girls with new loves that we get. But nope, nightly when I wait for him to call I have those butterflies again. OMGosh he is the love of my life.

Funny how this time apart has PROVEN to me that he is all I have ever wanted, and all I ever want. He is handsome, and smart, (a bit selfish and inconsiderate at times) but all in all he makes my heart flutter everyday of my life. I hope when we are 80 and sitting on the front porch with a cup of coffee and the paper, that I still love him as much as I do today.

To dance is to Love

2007-01-18T16:25:00.000-05:00

Ok I have been pondering how to blog this story, and I think I came up with it. I wanted it to have all the love, and romance that I felt when it happened. So here goes gang:

I hadn't seen my husband in 4 months (exactly to the day) when he flew into Jacksonville, Florida. OMGosh was I nervous, scared, and excited all at once. I mean this is the man I haven't been away from for more than 2 weeks in the 15 years I have known him. What if he changed...I mean I know I have...and what if he was unhappy that I hadn't lost a ton of weight...I wasn't blonde (our little joke LOL). But I drove the 3 hours to get him. He was AMAZING looking when he got off that darn plane. I mean his shirt was so ugly LOL but he was gorgeous.

So we had rented a room (I took care of having my parents and older kids watching the babies) and I was gonna spend 12 hours+ with ONLY him. Yep it was about sex, and talking, and sex, and touching his face. So after a huge hug and some tears, we headed to the hotel. We talked for about an hour, I smoked a cigarette, and he talked some more...then oh yes the long awaited SEX LOL...which was really great. I had missed him so much. Then we showered and went to dinner (Cuban food...can you imagine LOL). At dinner I said what's wrong honey, and he said he missed me so much and loved me, but he couldn't wait to see the kids. Holy shit that wasn't the response I expected, but it was the response. So I said something I can't even imagine I said..."Do you wanna drive down tonight?" What the hell was I thinking? I mean I so didn't want to share him. I mean he's a FANTASTIC father, and it wasn't a jealously thing...I just wanted him to myself. I have been so lonely. But I saw in his face that he was with me, but still missing his kids, and all the sudden I realized we HAD to go, so we paid the bill, paid for the room (yep only 4 hours for $73 but oh well I've wasted more in the past 4 months), and off we went.

All of the sudden at LPGA Blvd in Daytona, he says pull over right now. So I did, and we pulled into the beautiful parking lot (I can't even tell you where it was, but it was so beautiful). And he looked at me and said "I want to dance with you." I was like what the hell are you talking about, this is NOT us. I mean in all the years we've been together, we have danced maybe one time to the village people YMCA...LOL yep in the earlier drinking days LOL. So I shrug him off, and he's like "I want to dance with my wife."

So out of the car I get, he rolls down both the windows, and blares the radio with Stained playing (not something this Country music girl listens to EVER LOL) but as he pulled me close to him and wrapped his big arms around me, I melted, and sobbed and told him I missed him, and he was the strongest man on the face of the planet. I kept saying "I love you, I missed you so much" and all the sudden my big strong man was quiet and said "I missed my family." For 5 minutes I melted into him, and I realized I was safe, and not alone anymore. I KNEW he loved me, and was NEVER leaving me. I was sure of US....for the first time in 4 months I was 100% sure.

He left 4 days later, and no matter how long he is away from me, I will never as long as I live forget how his arms made me feel safe, secure, and sure of us. He is my hero in every single way. He makes me proud to be his wife and his best friend. Thank you honey for EVERYTHING.

Roller coaster ride

2007-01-16T16:07:00.000-05:00

So ya know I am a mom, and a wife, and NUTS obviously. I mean my life is one giant roller coaster. How the hell can I be up and down in the same day? Jesus, I'm not manic depressive or bipolar, no I am just a mom and wife. You'd think after 15 years I'd have the hang of the ups and downs...but NOPE not me, I just gotta learn something new every damn day.

I spent last week with Shayne and 99% of it was excellent but the other minute 1% sucked. He messed up my schedule, was selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate, and certainly inappropriate based on the norms of society. Now on any given day I can forgive that but right now I am just plain pissy. I want him to be fair...Oh my gosh did I say FAIR...when I know NOTHING in life is fair. Holy crap I am nuts.

Ya know in 37 years I can't say there was an instant that I felt strong, and secure in my actions and decisions. So when Shayne deployed all I prayed for (aside from his safety, love, and strength) was to make him, and my kids proud. I feel as though I have fallen short of that. I mean I have done things I would have NEVER done if he hadn't ever left...but somehow it seems minor in comparison to what he's done.

The change in BOTH of us is scary. We are both more independent that we were, not that we weren't independent, but I mean we are more independent of each other. Doesn't bode to well for a happy marriage now does it? I thank God everyday for him and for the strength he has given me, but today I am just plain pissy. I want to start being happy, and proud of myself, but can't seem to find the "THING" to do to make me happy and proud of me. I mean I know I'm a good person, and he swears a good wife and mother, but I'm sure not feeling that way.

What do I need him to say to me to help me? How do I explain this to him so he understands? Will we be able to get beyond the changes in us as individuals and as parents and as a couple when he gets back from the hell this war and the Navy has thrown him into? I guess only time will tell. Till that moment I will continue to pray for the strength to get beyond the uncertainties in my life.

Nope I am not MIA

2007-01-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

I actually spent the past week with my darling husband Shayne. He got 96 hours off that darn base, and I drove 13 hours to see him (yeah with 4 kids LOL) but it was worth it. Below you will find some of my great shots of the few days with him.....ONLY 62 more to go then this should be over. Enjoy my pictures.

Three of my boys

My family at the Zoo

Flying a kite...see they NEVER really grow up

KD getting a ride

Where have I been?

2007-01-03T00:48:00.000-05:00

Ya know I started blogging because it made me feel better, and it does. Then I got caught up in shopping and wrapping and all the other crap that you get caught up in at the holidays, and just didn't get on to blog. See even excuses here now huh LOL.

Anyway tonight I was sitting here, waiting again...such is my life at the moment for a phone call I don't think is coming tonight. I know when he doesn't call its for some stupid reason and you would think after 3.5 months of this that I'd quit getting mad, upset, scared wouldn't you? Well I haven't, and I don't foresee it changing.

I love my husband, and I get to see him next week for a 96 hour leave. 96 hours...its not very much time when I have to share him with the kids and traveling back and forth, but I'd take 3 hours at this point. I miss him so much, and although I am truly anxious to see him, I am a bit scared too. I mean I am only 22 lbs less than when he left and on a big girl that's not even noticeable ya know. I wanted to floor him when he got home and be skinny...not exactly something I've been in the past 14 years. What if he gets off the plane and doesn't like what he sees AGAIN....I mean separation allows your mind to envision what it wants, and not what is. Hhhhhhhhmmmmm I wonder if I'll have the same problems with how I see him?

Oh well time will only tell. I haven't been blogging but I have tried to get on and write in the book I am working on since he left. I officially am over the 150 page mark. Boy who know I had so much to say about one topic LOL. Anyway I will get back into blogging again regularly, it can only help...but for now I am heading to bed to wait for that elusive phone call tonight.

3 Months In

2006-12-13T12:42:00.000-05:00

OMG we are 90 days in…the ½ way point. Who knew I could actually raise 4 kids w/o my partner and soul mate to help me. I have managed to pay the bills on time, get them all taken care of daily, keep the house picked up…well relatively picked up, and spend a couple dollars (well a couple thousand dollars too many LOL). But I have done it. I know today as I sit here and type this, I am a stronger woman, mother, and wife.

Shayne called and the first words out of his mouth were “I want to read my owners manual when I get home.” I’m like what the heck are you talking about. And in true, honest to goodness form of my honorable husband said “whatever you said last night fixed it.” OMG what an absolute genuinely amazing thing to hear. I said something to help my husband get through a bad moment in this deployment. You know for a wife, especially a stay at home mom, our job is to HELP our family, and this deployment has usurped much of that feeling of satisfaction because I couldn't help my husband. However last night I realized the true meaning behind the adage of “words can help or hurt so choose them wisely.” I am two thousand miles away and helped my husband to the point that he said THANK YOU. I mean I helped him with words, only words. OMG I feel like I am on the right track, I am heading back to what I believe is me, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams. I am gonna be ok.

We had our monthly party…I can’t even believe we just ate a 3rd cake in celebration of our strength during this deployment. Holy cow, this family rocks. We are really gonna make it. I miss him more every single moment that we are apart, but the past few days I am refocused. Now as you are reading this please don’t think it all gets better at the ½ way point. I can tell you that the downhill slide isn’t a slide, its still an uphill climb. I have a long, long way to go before I get to hold him here in our house with our kids. But today, I know I’m strong enough to make it.

Birthday Blues

2006-12-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

So you are all now scratching your heads thinking didn’t this nut bag just have a birthday? Well yes I did, and thank you for remembering LOL. My blues are because I realized today as my oldest turned 14, yes I am an amazingly beautiful and warm hearted woman for having a teenager….NOT…but none the less I do have one, and OMG where did the ATTITUDE come from? You know the one that is a cross between imposition, guilt, and just sheer crap? Yeah, you all know which one I mean…LOL

Anyway I feel old, I feel sad, and I just feel over all yucky. I mean Shayne has been at every birthday since birth on up for our kids, and this year well he isn’t here, not that he can help it of course but he still isn’t here. I have put on a HAPPY face to make my kids special day a decent one. I mean I can’t fix what he wants too….yep he wants his dad home too LOL…but since I can’t fix that I will just smile lots and laugh even if it kills me.

We did have a good day. We got dinner at Checkers, and had a FANTASTIC chocolate cake. Shayne called before it got too late. And talked to Osten and me (of course LOL) so Osten felt really special. It wasn’t much but enough for them to exchange the common banter they usually exchange. We shared all the extra cake as Saturday is the 90 days in party so we had to ELIMINATE the cake we had left LOL. Then to top it off, my #3 son Seth turns 4 NEXT week-end so that means….yep you got it ANOTHER birthday cake…LOL so we’ll be having a party on Saturday for the girls, and myself to drink, eat, and be merry (well as much as I can be w/o hubby).

Goals

2006-12-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

OMG I feel so flippen lost. I mean I have goals…I had big aspirations when Shayne left but lets see how many if not all of them have fallen by the wayside:

1. NOT to be depressed….FAILED….on mediation
2. To diet everyday and lose tons….UM nope only 22 lbs down
3. To exercise everyday (since we pay Curves)…UM nope maybe 3 times a week
4. To NOT spend extra money…shit that so was a STUPID one, I mean how many women DON’T shop
5. To NOT be angry…to grow from this…now I have grown, but I am still angry a good portion of the time.

So I didn’t fail completely, but I haven’t done SWIMMINGLY either. So do I pack it in…..NOPE I am gonna accomplish one if NOT all of these darn things. Well I am NOT depressed now…LOL but thank goodness for HAPPY PILLS. I am on a SUPER DIET till I see him so maybe I’ll lose a few more LOL. Exercise well I had good intentions last week I bought a Pilates tape to do here…um its still in the damn wrapper LOL….so maybe that one sucks but we’ll see. I am trying to be grateful and not ANGRY for my kids sake and for Shayne’s I mean he can’t fix this so guess I need to move THROUGH these feelings and not sit here and dwell on them.

I just want him home. But I guess as he says only time will fix this. So for now I will watch that damn clock and wait…for him, his smile, and any answer I can find.

100 years ago

2006-12-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

Well not exactly 100 years but 15. Let me back track here for a second. My dear friend Peggie sent me this email today that was entitled 1906 and all the AMAZING things that are different today than 100 years ago. So of course that got me thinking about the things in my life that are different now than they were 15 years ago….and the things that are different now than 3 months ago (pre deployment)

15 years ago

I was dating someone else and my husband didn’t know my name….he was friends with my sister.

I smoked, and then I didn’t for 14 years (have for 3 months since deployment|)

I weighed 145 lbs, and had long hair…now well I am OVER 145 lbs LOL and well my hair has been shorter than now but its ponytail length now.

I never doubted my husband, and in the past 3 months I have had moments (many I caused myself) to question and fear.

I paid the family bills, I didn’t pay the bills, and now (3 months in) I am paying them AGAIN (which I so HATE).

I didn’t have kids, now I have 4 AMAZINGLY KIND, GENEROUS, and WONDERFUL kids.

I didn’t get along with all my family or my husbands, but now I feel like I BELONG in both places, and that I am part of their family and mine.

I knew NOTHING about the military and albeit loved my country…wasn’t patriotic, and understanding (3 months in) I find strength in other women who HELP me and UNDERSTAND the fears, and uncertainties that I go through.

And finally, 15 years ago I wasn’t married to the man of my dreams…today I can truly call him my soul mate, my best friend, and the love of my life. And I can tell you that with time TRUE love only GROWS.

So my life although has had SEVERAL ups and downs, and many surprises along the way, I wouldn’t change one thing about it…not even this deployment (well I might make it shorter LOL) but it has made me much STRONGER than I knew I was, and I hope it has brought ALL of us closer and more patient and understanding and grateful for each other in the family.

Countdown…

2006-11-30T19:48:00.000-05:00

…to whatever. I mean we are always counting down to something. For example, the majority of us are counting down the days till Christmas. I am counting down the days till I see Shayne, as well as the days till Christmas, and the days till he comes home permanently. My, oh, my am I a busy little abacus LOL.

Today as I ran my self ragged trying to get all the Christmas decorations up and ready for the EVENTUAL visit of Santa to my house, I found myself with little time to COUNT. So does that me I am NOT counting anymore? Nope, I am still counting, and trying to make time go FASTER. What a hoot, I mean its still 24 hours whether I wish it away or pray that it skips a few DAYS or not. So do your numbers and days run together, get intermixed and confusing? Well mine do but I have them saved on my desktop LOL so that helps.

But when all is said and done, where does the counting leave me? Counting for NO reason? Nope, in the overall scheme of things I think counting is GOOD. I mean we all have dreams, aspirations, and goals right, and in some way shape or form we are COUNTING what we have to do to accomplish those goals. So right now my goal is to see my husband, and to sleep in the same bed with him. Ya know in all the things I truly and deeply miss, it’s him hogging the covers and stealing my pillows. Yeah the sex, or lack there of LOL right now is missed too LOTS, but I so miss just seeing him, and knowing he is real, and loves me.

I find that the closer it gets to the COUNTDOWN ending I am anxious and fearful. What if I did stuff wrong, what if he’s angry I spent a couple thousand dollars (I’m sure frivolously LOL), and maybe, just maybe he won’t want to be overwhelmed with ALL of us when he gets home……hhhhhhmmmmmm that would be sad. I know that at the moment that’s not how he feels but it is food for thought in the dark nights w/o him here.

So count away gang, and get to WHATEVER goal you are aiming for, and know that as you feel like you are slowly losing your minds with the NUMBERS, that someone, somewhere is counting down too, maybe even losing their minds.

By Candlelight

2006-11-29T06:46:00.000-05:00

everything makes sense ya know? Wonder if thats because I am so used to feeling alone in the dark right now....and the candle lights the way. Or is it because no matter how ugly the situation is at that moment, the aura of the candlelight is so soothing, comforting, and calming. One may never know for sure I guess.

But for me the night before lighting my tons of candles helped guide me in my decisions. I knew I needed to voice my opinion on the 23 year old, and hope that my husband would understand and respect my opinion. I was revoking my "you can talk to her" approval.

As it turns out, he did and he actually did respect it and KNEW he had to stop talking to her anyway, as she isn't exactly a "GOOD" person. So now two days after voicing my opinion, I feel so good. I mean who know that if you were HONEST and CALM about it that it would work out.

My husband rocks, and I am so proud of him and what he's doing. I have 38 days till I see his handsome face and spend a GROWN-UP night with him alone with out my kids (I love them tons, but will be glad for a 12 hour reprieve). So gang I think that talking and communication is the way to go, you can only bury your feelings so much before the OVERWHEALM you. I'm glad I talked to him and I'm estatic he understood and loves me enough to be flexible. Today is a good day.

Vacation and home again

2006-11-27T19:25:00.000-05:00

Well I can tell you that my week ended up being so much better (great English I know LOL) than I even expected. I spent time with my family, I smiled, I cried, and I talked. My husband called me and I heard him cry on the phone because he missed me so much. Now you’d think that would be so very disheartening, but on one hand it was amazing to hear him so much in love with in me, that it hurt. I cooked with my sister, I shopped with my sister and my mother, I laughed with my brother, and his wife, my skinny Indian sister-in-law finally is ATTEMPTING to stand up to my sister and I.....which as mouthy as we are is not an easy task…but good for her. The drive home yesterday was tough. Not the 11 hours, but it was COMING BACK to REALITY. I mean not that one moment passed w/o thinking of Shayne but coming home meant it was REAL and I had to DEAL again. But I will.

This week he got his hair cut by 23 yr old. Now they are friends and she’s got a boyfriend but last night I had to explain that the issue isn’t cheating with me, that it honestly has NOTHING to do with him. NO it had to do with the fact that I can NEVER be 23, skinny, beautiful again, so it’s all about me…favorite new phrase LOL. I see him in 40 days, and I can’t wait. My dear blog friends, I know her name, and I’ve seen her and she knows he off limits…hell she’s dating a lawyer, do you think she’d risk that salary for a nurse with baggage (4 kids and spousal support if he goes LOL) nope she is safe, but the age thing rocks my damn world…makes me nuts. So I ask for a few week reprieve…to hang out with the other nurses and not her and her bed buddy for awhile. So we’ll see if that helps.

Today I have a new lease on life; I am ready to face the next stage of this deployment. I mean in 2 weeks we will be ½ way done…can you imagine? I can’t believe it’s soon gonna OFFICIALLY be the downhill slide. Anyway I am back to blogging.....so look for tons of new stories as I get the car unpacked, and the house decorated for the holidays. Missed you all.

Leaving tomorrow but sad tonight

2006-11-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

Well this wasn’t the blog it was supposed to be…LOL but due to my schedule and internet issues…darn it. I am just getting here. So I leave tomorrow AM for a week in Florida with my family. Now I am somewhere in the recesses of my mind very excited but at the moment, I am overwhelmed with guilt and sadness of not being able to spend the holiday with my husband. Shayne is going to be alone, and that breaks my heart. Then I realized if I walk out back of my parents’ house I would be maybe 700 miles from him…and I can’t get to him. What a sad moment to think about.

So this being the 1st real holiday we will have been apart in 15 years is just sheer hell on my emotionally, and right now I am trying, really trying to get it together for my kids and families sake. I mean they are all going out of their way to make sure we are there, with family. I know they mean well and I am grateful, and I can’t wait to see my sister, but I can’t get beyond the pain of not being with Shayne, yeah I know I need to get over it, but I just can’t. He is truly the love of my life, and the reason I breathe many days.

I was on the phone with my mother in law this evening, and I can tell you over the years we have had our differences but tonight, she was my hero, she listened and didn’t judge, or chastise me, and then told me “you are part of this family Stef” and that she “thanks God everyday for me, because she in her heart believes I am the best thing that ever happened to Shayne.” OMGosh what a compliment. I have worked very hard since Shayne deployed to keep her and my FIL in the loop, for a couple reasons. One they are his parents, and I know how I’d feel if my son was gone, and two I have 4 grandkids who she does love, and misses, and three because during this deployment I have needed her strength and friendship so much. She went on to tell me “if you need anything and I can do it for you all you have to do is tell me.” Not that there’s anything anyone can do for me right now, it was nice to hear. So tonight instead of the entire blog being about poor pitiful me this week and missing Shayne I want to salute my mother in law for her bravery and kind words, and broad shoulders, she’ll never ever know how much they have meant to me tonight. Thank you Dixie.

And for all my FAITHFUL readers, I will be w/o internet for a week..can you even imagine? But I did get a great journal to keep notes, so look out for a LONG one when I get home. Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

Day 2 of General YUCKY mood

2006-11-17T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well the bad/sad days seem to come in twos for me recently. As we ALL already know I miss Shayne with every fiber of my being right now…and the past couple days I have been UNEASY about the whole thing…damn HAPPY PILLS what gives why am I NOT smiling all day every day….as my sister says “I should have read the fine print” LOL. Anyway today didn’t get any better, now here’s the thing NOTHING happened, no one said anything, and I am just BUMMED. I had to drop Mackenzie off at the Den leaders’ house so he could go camping this week-end. Now don’t get me wrong I am so NOT jealous that I am not going (way too cold to sleep outside with KD and Seth) but I feel bad he is going w/o Shayne.

Yeah I know its ok, life goes on and oh well, but today I just felt bad. He was so excited but still a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. He even told Shayne on the phone last night that he missed him and wished he was home to go camping with him. I know Shayne felt bad, and I know Mackenzie will be ok, but it just sucked. His den leader is married to a retired Marine and she runs a tight ship but now I’m thinking that I don’t know how SINGLE mothers do this. It is damn hard to be mom, dad, responsible one for EVERYTHING else, all the while worrying about my husband. Goodness it’s been a long time since I felt WHOLE, or in CONTROL. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am holding my own, but it sure seems like I am just going through the motions, and tonight I am wondering if I was a crappy parent on top of the already yucky feelings I have.

Oh well I guess I’ll wait and see on Sunday if I did the right thing or not. Hope it doesn’t get as cold as it’s supposed here in this darn state or I will be worrying about him freezing and the hubby cooking LOL. Hope this blog finds you all tucked in safe at home tonight, and with the ones you love.

2006-11-16T19:58:00.000-05:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well that’s an old adage I’m not sure I believe. I mean doesn’t that contradict the one that says “out of site out of mind.” So which one is right? I mean today in the distant recesses of my mind I couldn’t shake the “I’m alone and I miss him horribly, and life will never be the same” feeling…yeah it’s a mouthful but boy was I feeling STRESSED.

So I decided that we needed a NORMAL family outing….OMG 4 kids after school and no nap for the little ones and the LOOP (thanks for the details sis)….then dinner at the Chinese Hog trough (my kids love a good buffet) and then hair cuts, eyebrow waxing, DQ for Blizzards’ (where they put it all, I will NEVER know LOL) and then home for the HOMEWORK marathon. Yep that’s about it….NORMAL with a family of 4 kids…oh yeah forgot to tell you about the mashed in fortune cookies in my 5 month old MINI-VAN…LOL.

Anyway here I sit, trying hard NOT to think or feel bad, but it’s not working. I so can’t call another person whining tonight they will certainly think I lost my flippen mind or that my HAPPY PILLS aren’t working but they are…LOL can you imagine me if they weren’t LOL. So I want to know how this deployment is gonna make me STRONGER, more SECURE in my marriage, more WHATEVER. I mean hell I was secure in my marriage BEFORE this, now I am scared and lonely. Stronger, whatever, I have 4 kids, a husband, a dog and a cat, and possibly a bird soon…yeah stronger that’s what I need to be NOT…LOL. So what is it this is doing for me except filling my mind with doubts and fears? NOTHING…that’s what its doing…all I can do is sit and WATCH the CLOCK (thanks hubby). Oh well such is life, I do however get to see him in exactly 51 days. If anyone knows which one of these old adages are true can ya drop me a line LOL I would like some PROOF that one of them work…hell at this point I don’t even care which one LOL. Happy Thursday everyone.

Countdown to the Holidays

2006-11-15T16:31:00.000-05:00

So they are FAST approaching, and this will be the first year I haven’t been with Shayne. Now in the previous blog, I already told you I would be with my family, which is good. But I can’t help but worry, and wonder about my husband. I mean he is alone w/o any of us. I know its just Thanksgiving, but I find it hard to even get ready to be THANKFUL for anything. I miss him….I am even gonna miss cooking dinner for the herd I call a family.

I think he is working on the holiday which isn’t a huge deal; at least he works nights and will sleep the bulk of the day so maybe the MISSING won’t be too bad. I don’t know. I have sent him 11 boxes in the past few weeks to keep him LOOKING in the mail LOL. I don’t know what else to do to help him. Hell I don’t even really know how to help myself. I know I will laugh, and cry next week, and I know my heart will be broken. But the one thing I can think about is that with the passing of Thanksgiving, I will be one HOLIDAY closer to seeing him. I am hoping the month of December flies by…not for all of you, for that I’m sorry, but like my sisters favorite saying goes “it is all about me” and right now that’s how I feel. OMG that was so selfish. Oh well lets see everyone should be selfish once in awhile in their life, and for me that’s this deployment.

I am adding my blogs to my book that I am working on…yep a book. It has truly always been a dream of mine to write, but I’ve been LAZY and unable to find the RIGHT topic for myself…and a few weeks ago I came up with my book, and have been working every free hour I have. So maybe for Thanksgiving I will be thankful for my family, my husband’s safety, and his heroism, my children, and finally striving to reach a goal of mine. Not a bad list, guess I’ll add that I’d be really THANKFUL for the return of all our men and women and PEACE, but for now I’ll just keep hoping and praying for that and keep all of them in my prayers.

Getting ready for Vacation

2006-11-14T18:33:00.000-05:00

So the kids and I are heading 11 hours south to my parents house for Thanksgiving. My dad is flying up on Tuesday and driving us down (they are trying to help but I am capable of doing it LOL). So this week I have to pack for Mack to go on his scout camping trip for 3 days, and Saturday I have to get the cat to the vet, the van to the garage for oil change and stuff, drive 30 minutes out of town to see Mack at his scout thingy LOL, and pack for a trip that I know will be worth it but I dread it too. I know that sounds really bad, its not that I don’t want to go, its that I don’t want to go w/o Shayne. My mom and I have struggled over the years to be friends….it’s a really long story, but we are finally on the road to recovery, but she will never get over the hurt and things that happened between us years ago. Anyway my husband is a GREAT buffer between us…I mean he kicks me under the table and reels me in and changes the subject a lot so it will be odd to not have him there. Maybe it’s a test from God this whole deployment and dinner with 30 people at my parents house LOL.

So anyway that leads me into a topic of separation anxiety….LOL. Now we all went through this and believed we were OVER it, but I am here to tell you that I’m not….I officially have SEPERATION ANXIETY LOL. I want him here, and the fact that he is out of my line of site or contact (at my convenience) is too much many days for me. I have a new outlook on the whole just drop the kids off, they will quit crying thing….because I really haven’t. I mean I am better and on the road to NORMAL…or what I affectionately term NORMAL for a deployment family (with 4 kids LOL…and a soon to be 14 year old with an attitude to match…although that’s a topic for another day LOL). I am holding my own, today and just got 3 more months of HAPPY PILLS so I should be NORMAL for a few more months LOL. Only 53 more days till he gets his HANDSOME, SKINNY BUTT off that military hop to come and hold me. Counting days right now but a few more weeks…it will be HOURS. Hope this blog finds you all happy, and healthy, and getting ready for THANKSGIVING in one more week.

60 days in....

2006-11-13T08:57:00.000-05:00

OMGosh we made it 2 months….60 days (well 64 officially today…bit late in posting LOL) anyway, its been a LONG HAUL. We are 1/3 of the way done. Doesn’t seem like a huge amount of time gone, but it sure feels like it.

Ok, well checkbook is still balanced…no huge issues there. House is straightened up at the moment…4 kids, its moment to moment not daily LOL. And here we are at our SECOND party. Now next month could be a huge party issue since I have a birthday before our 3 month celebration and a birthday after it LOL. Goodness that’s a LOT of cake. But we’ll figure it out. Then I just looked at the dates, and Shayne will be with us on the 6th-9th of January here in the states…yep we will actually be saying good-bye again on the 9th. Do you think the Navy plans it that way…LOL at least it won’t change the PARTY date for the kids and I now will it.

We as a family and as individuals have overcome so much the past few months, that hindsight being what it is I am amazed. I didn’t realize we were all as strong, yet weak, and vulnerable at the same time. I know I appreciate my life so much more than I did 64 days ago. I love my husband and my kids more than I ever knew I did.

So I guess at the moment, everything is running smoothly, and we are getting by, and for any deployed family (especially on the first deployment) that’s all you can expect or ask for. I have been working on my book, wait until my husband reads it. I am pretty proud of myself. I have always wanted to write but never could NAIL down that topic close enough to my heart to spend the time doing it. Finally I did…it’s the Diary of a Navy Wife. Think it might make for some scary reading LOL. We’ll have to wait and see. Hope this blog finds you all well, and happy.

Label: 30 days in...

What a difference 24 hours makes

2006-11-12T19:56:00.000-05:00

I did some massive RETAIL THERAPY yesterday, helped my 11 yr old work on his craftsmen badge requirements by redoing a $16 table from a used furniture store, and talked to my husband and sent the letter. I felt tons better after we talked and he sent me on a SHOPPING mission to start another box for him. Now the man has 11 currently in the mail for him (I rock I know)…he’s not getting them all at once but they’ve been mailed over the past 3 weeks.

Anyway, we talked and we listened, and I smiled tons when we hung up. I mean I have a new lease on life, and I made a big decision. Shayne is flying back into the states on the 6th of January, I am getting a sitter for the kids and going to spend the night with him ALONE. I just want to talk, and see him. I so miss him. Then on the 7th and 8th we'll all be together as a family, than unfortunately on the 9th he goes back. I booked the room, Jacksonville Clarion and I am so excited. It will be sad to see him go back, but its ok, it should only be about 2 or 3 months after that and he should be home for good then.

The thing I found most amazing with our marriage is that we have BAD days together. Maybe it means because we’ve been together so long that we are ONE….cheesy sounding I know but I miss him so much it hurts…but today it doesn’t hurt as bad, maybe its just because in life you can only have so many BAD days before you have to have some GOOD days. Guess that’s a blog for another day. Thanks for reading, and if you’re having a bad day know the sun will come out tomorrow.

Letter to a deployed husband

2006-11-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

Its 3:30 in the morning. I have been up for 3 hours now THINKING. Lack of sleep, worry, and OVER THINKING are never a good combination for me. And you'll probably just blow this email off, but I need to say a few things that are very important to me....so read this please.

First, even though its hard I do trust you, I mean you are the most honorable man I have ever met, and you've never given me a reason to NOT trust you, but I am struggling. I would NEVER ask you to NOT be friends with someone. I guess part of the issue for me is that you go places with her, and you talk to her, and aren't here to go with me and can't talk to me. Its not a matter of trust honest. Its beyond that for me it's the intimacy (not sex), and companionship I miss.

My only fear in life is ever losing you. I am trying so hard to find a way to make things easier for you, that I forget I can't. I am so used to it being US, that to hear what you said last night was hard. I felt alone, and I can't talk to people about you hanging out with her, because the world immediately thinks you are cheating. I know you're a nurse and you hang with women all the time, and I'm ok with that MOST of the time. I know you think I have people to call but I don't. I truly am as alone as you are, you spend your time at work, and with idiots who don't know your name. I spend mine with 4 kids and the internet.

I guess what I am looking for are several things...I need to KNOW you love me (I don't know how to tell you to do that either). I need to know that you are getting off that plane in 4 months and gonna look at me and realize that you love me more than you thought, and that you love your life. I hear you say you miss home, but what I don't here is you miss me. I'm sure you say it, but I just don't hear it. I need to occasionally know you are truly as sad and miserable as I am. I try not to be, but its hard.

I also need to know what to do to help you...I feel helpless here and that's not a feeling I am used too. I know you promised me last night a big promise and it helped. I just miss US, I miss your smile, and our kids looking forward to seeing you. I miss your help, and your strength, and I even miss the damn Marine hymn bottle opener.

Honey you are my hero in more ways than you know. When I say I can't breath w/o you, I truly mean I can't. I don't know how to help you, or to help me right now, but we're missing something here, I mean we are both stronger than this, and we are strong together. Maybe the distance and time is really too much. I know you blew off my fear of you getting off the plane and NOT wanting me/us/our life...but honey it's a real fear for me, and I need you to find a way to tell me it shouldn't be. I know you need one more stress in your life like you need a hole in your head, but I NEED your strength this morning, so please honey find a way to tell me or write something to help me get over this...through it, whatever.

Then tell me what you want shipped. I love shopping and I find it very easy to do from home now LOL. Amazon.com LOVES me. Smile we are almost to Thanksgiving and hopefully Christmas will come fast, and they'll let you leave earlier. Say a few prayers, I know that's not your forte in life but do it anyway, maybe all 6 of us saying the same prayer, it will get heard. I'm sorry if this was too many words but I needed to say it w/o you hearing me cry.

I love you,
Me

So I know at sometime this is a letter we all write to our deployed husbands but I can tell you that RATIONALLY I know that all of this is NO BIG DEAL but how as women do we deal with the EMOTIONAL side of the fear, and uncertinaty? I mean I spent 14 years of my life with my husband building a STRONG foundation for our marriage on trust and honesty (well with the occassional lie regarding $$$ I spent LOL) to now be confused and scared? I really just want to feel NORMAL again. I want our life back, and I know eventually we will have it maybe with some MORE respect for each other. BUT until then I just know I am gonna be tossing and turning with worry, and fear till I see his face. There has got to be an easier way to deal with the distance. I haven't emailed it yet...not quite sure if I should I mean we talk to little on the phone I don't want him upset or a fight because of my insecurites when in reality he can't FIX them for me...only I can. Guess I'll see what this evening brings and maybe I'll get brave.

Veteran’s Day

2006-11-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to Mackenzie’s school for a program for our veterans. It was so amazing. Made me miss my husband even more to see other kids parents in uniform for a special presentation. At a certain point after several patriotic songs the veterans (active, reserve, and retired) walked to the front to receive card from several of the children. I watched in awe of all of them…when my son tapped my arm and said come on mom we have to walk up too. I of course said NO WAY….LOL and he said yeah we have to go up for Dad, I already worked it out with my music teacher. Tears welled up in my eyes with the thought that my son went out of his way to REMEMBER his dad on Veterans day.

The reason it was so amazing for me was that I know in the definition of the word veteran, my husband is one. But for me a veteran is my grandpa, or his dad…ya know they’re old, they are veterans. But yesterday was put into perspective for me when I realized my 11 yr old KNEW more than I did at that moment.

So with a heart full of pride for my son and my husband, I walked up and collected several cards. I will be mailing them to Shayne on Monday. But I do know he is my HERO, and I so wished I could hear his voice tonight to tell him Happy Veteran’s Day and that his sacrifices are so appreciated and respected by so many in this country. Please if you know a Vet or their family tell them Thank you today. This is an extremely huge sacrifice these military men and women (and their families) make every day….for our safety and our freedoms. Happy Veterans Day Honey…you are a BRAVE MAN, and you make me PROUD.

Lost in the Atmosphere

2006-11-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

Ya know we’ve all been to the beach at some point. You know that clear, dark sky on the strip with all the lights lit up and the breeze that you feel? Well last night as I walked out of Wal-Mart, I had all of those. The beautiful breeze, the clear cool sky, and every neon sign lit up. I actually stopped to take it all in and take a really deep breath. I realized that I’m ok. I mean its been a bad, bad week here…sick kid, bills to pay, visit to ER, and missing hubby.

When I got on the “HAPPY PILLS” I wanted…no NEEDED to believe that they were gonna make me HAPPY and smiling every single day. But what they really do is make you NORMAL. I mean I still have bad days, and tears but at least they aren’t everyday now. I know their doing their job. Shayne called and was amazing as he usually is….LOL he makes me laugh, and right now all I want is to see his face, to touch him. Its not sex I miss (I mean I do miss the sex) it’s the companionship. Its our friendship. Its our FAMILY. I mean its hard to understand (until you live something like this) how you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely when the person you love MOST on the face of the planet isn’t there. He is truly my soul mate. He is the reason I breathe.

I felt bad last night as I stood there, looking odd, in Wal-Mart’s parking lot. I felt bad that there were moments like this that we as a couple were missing. But then I realized that we weren’t missing them really…I mean he had that same sky, near the ocean that I did (minus the neon signs LOL). And maybe the reason I took two seconds to notice it last night is because he was noticing it too…I mean he was waiting on the bus to get to work so maybe he was looking up at the same time. Maybe that’s why I felt the connection. Think so? Well even if its not, it’s a nice feeling to think he was thinking of me at the same time I was thinking of him.

My Handsome Husband

2006-11-08T07:24:00.000-05:00

So here he is all decked out in his desert cammies. He is such a stud...but oh boy is he skinnier than before he left. Guess the heat is getting to him. I was just talking to my friend last night about how he's gonna be so shocked when he sees the kids...they have grown so much since he left. I was nervous about how different he might look, when I got a picture last night. He is more HANDSOME than I remember.

Ya know we are at the 2 month mark tomorrow that we've all been apart, and I have been pretty anxious about how we have all changed. But when I saw his face I realized that I love him more now than I did 8 weeks ago. Don't you find that odd, that you can love someone you aren't seeing all the time, and that it doesn't go away when you TRULY love someone. I couldn't be more PROUD of him that I am. He is my HERO, and the LOVE of my LIFE...oh and he's MINE. Thanks for letting me brag everyone. Hope you all have a great day.

Today’s Decision

2006-11-07T05:33:00.000-05:00

Well I have been a bit lax in my schedule, my responsibilities and what not since I spiraled out of control into my depression. But today, I can honestly say as soon as my kid stops puking I wanna get back in the swing of things. I miss my husband so much, but right now its NUMB. I have actually not cried for a week. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still well up, but now a deep breath will fight back those tears. I’m sure that the holidays are gonna be really hard, but right now all I wanna do is get back in the swing of things.

My diet and exercise is a mission, and my house is a sty at the moment. So today, I head back to the drawing board on the diet, and back to Curves again today. As far as the house, maybe tomorrow I’ll get it dusted and vacuumed, then I can tackle the laundry. But we’ll see. In all honesty I’m just happy I KNOW changes are in order. I mean the meds must be working. I can function again.

Hope this blog finds you all safe, and sound, and not missing your hubbys too bad. But if you are, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Life goes On

2006-11-05T20:32:00.000-05:00

Ya know when I left Ohio, and my best friends, Carrie and Twila, I never thought I’d be the same. I truly believed that life would suck forever and I’d never make new friends, or be happy with any other friends. Well then Shayne got deployed and I thought I’d curl up and die. Well let me tell ya, I am LIVING proof that LIFE GOES ON. No matter how much you BELIEVE it won’t…it does.

I woke up this week-end and realized a couple things…..one that my meds rock they actually work. Two that I have great friends who are willing to spend an entire week-end making me laugh and forget real life. Jen and Amber you two ROCK. And finally three I love my husband and trust every thing about him. I mean he is the most honorable man on the face of the planet. I know that the distance during deployments makes those of us left at home alone CRAZY. But today I am fine.

I actually shopped and ate out with out my kids this week-end. I was NORMAL for a few hours. I talked to other adults who understood and cared how I felt. I got to bounce ideas and feelings off of them with out them being judgmental. So today I can tell you that no matter how sad life seems…it does GO ON. The sun will still come up tomorrow and I’ll be back into the SCHEDULE with school again. But tonight I am COMFORTABLY content. Not happy as I can’t truly be happy with out my hero here with me, but I am content and safe. So I’m ok. Hope this blog finds all of you in as comfortable place. I do miss him.

I thought I was in TROUBLE

2006-11-03T08:45:00.000-05:00

So I am surviving, yesterday we had an internet issue so no blog for me. But today everything is up and running SUPERFAST. Lets see what’s new for us. Oh, yeah we got a kitten. Not a big deal in most cases but OMG does my husband HATE cats. But he’s 2k miles away so when my dear friend Amber dropped her off to us we kept her. Her name is Toby (wonder who she’s named after…being the Toby Keith fan that I am…yeah I know she’s a girl but I have 4 kids they thought they were being nice LOL). Anyway she is gingerbread and white striped long hair kitten. She is so beautiful. She is little and we’re not used to little ANYTHING in this house LOL but we’re getting used to her.

Now back to daddy. Well we told him last night on the phone when he called and he wasn’t as angry as I planned for. No I think he heard how good she was for the kids. Its so what my son Mackenzie whose been pretty depressed needed. So when I got on the phone with Shayne I asked him if he was gonna yell, and he said what the hell am I gonna do about it hell I’m 2k miles away. Isn’t that funny we do think alike now don’t we LOL.

So all in all everything is fine, and we survived the past few days with a meowing kitten. I do think though before this even starts that its MY job. Goodness where in the MOM handbook does it say that EVERYTHING is my job LOL. Must have been that fine print I didn’t read LOL.

Happy Birthday to me

2006-10-31T07:58:00.000-05:00

First let me say for all of you following my depression saga, the meds are kicking in. I actually didn’t cry at all yesterday and told hubby he could quit calling every night for 4 minutes to check on me….that I am fine. I am starting to find myself. I didn’t know I was truly as strong as I am. I just have to stay focused. Now on to my amazing birthday presents. OMG my husband rocks. Now this is the 1st official holiday we’ve been apart and the first birthday in 15 years we haven’t celebrated together. But I’m ok. I gave the kids a mental health day from school to stay home and play with me today. Makes the house a bit less empty feeling today.

Last night Shayne called and told me to open my presents he knew it was early but didn’t want me to wait till tonight to open them. So I opened the boxes. In the big one, was a navy jacket, a set of Rustic Elements candlesticks. And in the smaller one was a message in a bottle timeless message. OMG it was so romantic. Below is the message that was inside.

My dearest Stephanie,

Some days seem so filled and so busy
We seem to need more hours in the day
To get it all done

People who mean the most to us
Don’t get a phone call, a card or a visit
That would mean so very much
They aren’t told how very precious they are to us
And they aren't aware
Of just how often they are in our daily thoughts

I don’t want another day to pass
Without telling you how very much I appreciate you
And all that you do
And that I admire and respect you in so many ways.
I never want you to think that I take you for granted.

I love you each day,
Even when I don’t take the time to tell you

Love always
Shayne

So I am surviving the day, I do miss him horribly but I figure that I will be ok. My kids are great we are gonna have a nice day here, and then go trick or treating this evening …then talk to daddy at 8pm. I am stronger than I think I am and this is just a test I know it. So I am gonna keep writing here, keep focused on my weight loss and exercise program, and I am gonna miss him like mad. But I do trust him and believe in him, so that makes it a bit better. Happy Halloween everyone.

Depression

2006-10-29T20:09:00.000-05:00

Well it’s a big, nasty word with tons of reasons. I can honestly say that the time apart is killing me. I am so used to Shayne being here, and it being us…even if I feel like I do all the work LOL. Right now I’d sell my soul to have him here. Yeah that’s a big statement, but I am so completely lost without him. So after 8 weeks, I figure out that I can’t continue crying and being as short fused as I have been ya know. So last week I headed into my doctor who I will tell you is great. It helps he knows my husband because he has no problem calming my fears too. So although I felt very weak have to ask for medication, I did it anyway.

So here I am 5 days into taking these meds, and today I can honestly say I think they might be working. I mean the sheer panic and fear isn’t gone but I have been up for hours now and no tears yet. That in itself would be worth it. I want to feel better, sooner than later I hope. I am following the rules on the meds as they say. At the moment I am still feeling a bit fuzzy and exhausted but I understand that feeling should go away eventually…we’ll see.

What I want to know is how is it possible that a normally strong woman crashes so damn fast. I mean I was so sure that I could do this, that I was never gonna be depressed, or angry. But OMGosh I am so mad, and not at anyone in particular, just damn angry. I want my husband home, I want him here to help me, to calm my fears, to take care of stuff here. I am tired of this being my job, and my job alone. Ok ranting over, I know its my job and will be ONLY my job till he comes home.

Tonight what I want is him safe, and missing me as much as I miss him. I want us to come out of this closer than we were, and a lot more appreciative of each other and the kids. If that happens, then the misery and pain will so be worth it. So as I close tonight, I am wishing on that star outside my window and saying a prayer for my husband, and all those deployed men and women, as well as those of us left alone at home without them.

Communication

2006-10-26T20:08:00.000-04:00

OMGosh so the last blog was a bit sad/mean spirited whatever..but I'm over it. LOL Shayne and I talked and he said it wrong, and I misunderstood...doesn't matter see how we were both wrong LOL. Anyway if you didn't know before now that he was the LOVE of my life, my SOULMATE, you will after you see the comments he made to me last night.

He told me he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn't imagine ever living without me, that I was so beautiful. He told me it hurt so much to be away from the kids and I, and that he was counting the seconds till he could see us again...and he is...at this moment 12,197,036 seconds from seeing each other back in our own home.

So the factor into the equation comment was taken care of, and as far as the 23 yr old issue well she had asked the guys "didn't ya ever just have a bed buddy (she was more vulgar)" and my husband...who I will again say ROCKS...said, "only once, and I married her." My husband is the kindest, most honest, most amazing man on the planet.

He is refocused, and NOT losing his mind today. I am calmer, and not crying, I am more sure of US now than I have ever been. If nothing comes out of this whole damn deployment but him saying he loved me, and that I am beautiful, then it was worth it for me personally.

He is the reason I breathe everyday, he is truly my best friend, and he "completes me" (thanks Tom Cruise for the excellent line). Thank you honey for being my OFFICER and GENTLEMAN.

Misunderstood

2006-10-25T02:47:00.000-04:00

That’s how I feel, that’s what I am, apparently that’s what I’ve done…I mean it would have to be. Hubby called on Monday to let me know how he worked through his MELT DOWN. Now let me say I am very happy he did, except his THERAPY sent me on a melt down of my own. Haven’t slept well in two days now, and don’t know when he’s calling me again. And I really don’t want to address it as it sounds accusatory when I do, but if I DON’T say something I am gonna make myself NUTS trying to NOT make more out of this than it is.

So I can’t/won’t post what he said, because I can’t bear to read them all here . But one thing he did say was that due to security reasons he can’t talk about his family there. So we don’t factor into the equation. Well factors, equations? Wait this is a marriage, a family I mean when did we become an equation with factors that can’t be considered? I mean OMG did I really hear him say that. Then to top it off he told me that it was heart wrenching to hear some mothers talk to their kids at home because they are away from them. Ok, well I’m sure it is but here’s a couple heart wrenching things for ya to think about honey. How about me, I mean when they hang up, although they are dying inside, they go back to work. Me, no I don’t get to go back to work, I have to listen to each one of these kids cry every single day. I have to try and explain to KD why I can’t go get your plan and bring you back. I have to hear Seth cry at nap time and at night that all he wants is his family back and where is daddy. And Mack, OMGosh were do I start with him, he struggles everyday counting the days till he can talk to you. And Osten, well honey he thinks I don’t hear him sniffling about you, or notice that his eyes well up sometimes when he talks about you. No honey what I’m living is heart wrenching.

I can’t sleep right, or eat well, or at all some days. Then to hear how you are BONDING and have someone to TELL you what to do because you are used to your wife “TELLING YOU” what is that? I mean I don’t TELL you anything, I thought we talked? I mean after 14 ½ years I was sure we TALKED.

But whatever I guess the point in the blog was to (if you can read it since apparently you don’t read my letters) explain that I know I am doing so many things WRONG, I know am doing the BEST I can, and that even though NO ONE realizes how hard this is, and that there is ALWAYS someone with it worse than I have it, that my life sucks right now. I would sell everything to have you home, and safe, and laying your butt on my couch with friggen Bubba burger grease all over my counter. I love you, and I know that you miss me and love me too, but COMMUNICATION is necessary here, you need to tell me, and you need to talk to me, I can’t do this w/o you. And the past few days have been worse than the last two months, so something’s gotta give here, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I am POSTING this to you. Its not too mushy…you won’t miss me after this post LOL. But hopefully you will realize that the life you think you left isn’t here, its some screwed up mess waiting on you to return and help us all work this out. We’re lonely and sad,, and not able to breath many days without you but we are trying. Be safe and know you are loved.

Can’t fix it all

2006-10-23T06:34:00.000-04:00

Ya know as a mother you want your kids to be happy and never have hurt feelings, and the first time some crappy kid is mean to them, you wanna kick their scrawny ass, then you wanna hunt their mother down and kick hers. However you take a deep breath and remember you can’t, and that unfortunately no matter how hard it is you have to find a way to help them work through their hurt feelings.

So where is all this coming from? Well I have an 11 year old whose a big kid..by big I mean he’s 5ft 2 inches and 190 lbs. He is like the broad side of a barn. I love him so much, he is the kindest child I know. He has grown into his own over the past few years. He reads better than anyone in his class, and is further ahead in Advanced math than my older child is and he’s 3 years older than him LOL. Mackenzie also made the academic derby team this year. I mean he is amazing. Anyway, this week-end he went camping with another Scout family, because its really too cold at night to take my 2 and 3 year old out in a tent overnight. He came home on Sunday and I thought everything was fine, and he had a good time. Took him 2 hours before he anted up that the kid was mean to him. Now mean I can handle…we’ve done mean before…hell I think mine have been mean at one point in time. But when he started crying it broke my heart. And what was worse is I can’t fix it for him.

So in typical FAMILY fashion, we all pulled together and at 6pm tonight we will all be walking with him. He is now on some diet that I know isn’t healthy for him, and he’s exercising. All of which will in the long run be good but it angers me that some creepy kid hurt him to the point of tears. I wished Shayne had been here to go camping this week-end, it would have helped. But such is life. We’ll figure it out. I guess for me the point of this blog is just this…yet another thing in life we can’t control, all we can do is work with it, and through it. I know he will be ok, and get over it…probably before I will…I tend to hold grudges LOL. But gosh doesn’t it suck that he has too. I mean wasn’t there a time when kids were nicer to each other…or did we just not know to be that mean to someone? Oh well maybe it is the media and all the sex and violence on television that makes these kids meaner, or maybe we were that mean too all those years ago. I don’t know but I know as a mom this sucks, and I’m angry at myself for not being able to fix this. But again such is life, and as with anything it will work itself out.

Fear of the Unknown

2006-10-22T05:56:00.000-04:00

So the other night when hubby called he sounded a bit sad/depressed/ lonely/ frustrated…not sure which but he sounded all of it. So I spent the day worrying, and wondering what to say if and when he called. I mean for the kids and I we have settled into the “Auto-pilot” mode and are functioning here. I mean we have the occasional melt down but life has for better and worse gone on. I knew when he left that it would take about a month or so before it set in that he was ALONE and away from us. Now don’t get me wrong he loves us and we all have fun together but who doesn’t want a break once in awhile…come on now fess up we ALL do. So the 1st month wasn’t so bad, he was busy with tons of new stuff to do, and a new place to be, and the QUIET…OMG how I long for the quiet LOL.

So I decided to face it head on (Shayne’s NOT so favorite commercial LOL). Anyway I just out right ask him what he was afraid of, I mean is he afraid he’s changed…he said “no way that he hasn’t.” I said are you afraid that we’ve changed? His response was “well life has gone on for you guys like normal?“ I mean has it? I don’t think so, and he I don’t think realizes how MUCH we’ve changed as a family. I mean we used to get out 6 of everything for dinner and now 5 is what we set the table for (that’s NORMAL for us now). I mean the ultimate sign for that we have HAD to move on is that we have conviently lost all the spoons but 5..what the hell is that, I mean where do they go all the time? Oh I know my husband would blame his sister LOL as that’s what he did when we lived in Ohio, and his parents silverware went missing…he’d tell his dad “Paula must have thrown them away” dirty I know but we do all laugh about it now LOL. So anyway my point with the silverware was that I didn’t immediately go buy new….I mean why would I we have 5 spoons we can all eat still at the same time. But in all actuality we can’t all eat at once as we aren’t all here.

So how do I help him with out MELTING down myself. I mean I don’t cry tons or often as I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never quit. I am horribly lonely, but I do have friends I just need to utilize them better. I guess for me I just FUNCTION and I’m afraid that’s what he’s doing right now. But just functioning and not WITH it all the time puts him in a different place, and possibly at danger. I worry that the loneliness will get overwhelming and he’ll NOT force himself to work through it, I worry he‘ll avoid it and we all know that’s not good. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that as wives (military or not) we have to figure out away to help these men realize its all ok, and its ok to TALK to us about their fears, and worries. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I can guarantee you we as WOMEN, WIVES and MOTHERS will for sure find the answer somewhere.

Definition of a Sailor

2006-10-21T08:04:00.000-04:00

The following poem is one my husband emailed me last night…and parts of it are very true. He is the love of my life no matter where he is or what he does. Enjoy….and thanks honey.

Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a fascinating mass of humanity called sailors. They can be found anywhere: on ships, in bars, on leave, or in love and always in debt.

Girls love them, civilians tolerate them and the government supports them, or so they claim. A sailor is laziness with a deck of cards, bravery with a tattooed arm, and the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brain of a genius, the sincerity of a liar, and the aspiration of a Casanova.

When he wants something, it is usually indecent and immoral, or against Navy regulations. His favorite pastimes are girls, females, broads, dames and members of the opposite sex.

He dislikes Navy chow, answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, and getting up in the morning. No other human being can cram into his shirt pocket; a comb, a little black book, a pack of gum, a church key, a pack of cigarettes, his girl's picture and what's left of last month's pay.
He likes to spend some of money on girls, some on poker, most of it on booze, and what's left on foolishness.

A sailor is a magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can scratch him off your mailing list, but not out of your mind. So you might as well give up. He is your Far-away from home
lover, your one and only, good for nothing, liberty minded, bundle of wrongdoing. But your shattered dreams become insignificant when your sailor comes home and looks at you with those BIG BLOOD SHOT EYES AND SAYS HI SWEETHEART.

A Few of my FAVORITE things

2006-10-18T13:31:00.000-04:00

Broad title for this blog don’t ya think? Well I wanna talk about a couple FAVORITES of mine. My favorite season is FALL. Why? Well in Ohio the leaves were beautiful, the skies were cold but bright when the sun was out. It ALWAYS felt like football season, and chili for dinner. I love the Fall it is truly the most beautiful time of the year…well depending on where you live I guess. I mean Fall on the North Carolina Coast…um not real exciting, I mean all the leaves don’t change, and 90% of the time the SUN is blazing in the sky…but none the less it is COOLER which makes it FALL and a NICE time here.

My favorite weather is GRAY and RAINY. Oh I love those days, they are the ones we all look forward too…I mean wear jammies all day and watch Lifetime Movie Network, or catch up on our NAPPING LOL. I love the rain. Now in Ohio is RAINED all the damn time so you tended NOT to appreciate it as much as when you GET a BREAK from the SUN here in this state LOL.

What else do I love…hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm oh I love Reese’s peanut butter cups, and Blue Raspberry Slushies, and Hot chocolate with whipped cream. I love Chinese food, and rented movies on a Saturday night. I love my husband and my kids, and my sister, and my friends. I love to shop, and to talk on the phone. I LOVE football (even if it sucks this year). I love Christmas morning…even though it doesn’t last nearly LONG enough for all the time, work, and money you put into it. I love the first snowfall that is wet enough to make snowballs to throw at my kids.

I mean there are so many things in my life that I love, and enjoy. But with out my husband here to do them with it just seems so empty. I mean shopping feels like a TASK…a CHORE….a JOB in my life right now. I can’t wait to see him and have him bitch I’m spending too much money this pay…which we all know he will LOL…. But I don’t care. I can’t wait to watch all the MISERABLY LONG Sunday morning news shows with him. I didn’t realize the little things that I miss so very much with him gone. Some days its hard to REMEMBER to LOOK BEYOND the pain of being LONELY to enjoy the things you LOVE.

Girls Night out

2006-10-17T06:27:00.000-04:00

So since hubby left I have never really taken anytime to just sit and chat and laugh with my girlfriends. Well yesterday my friend Amber and I got on our own little MISSION. We needed to get several things done to our friend Holly’s car to get her on the road. There is a long story behind why we needed to help Holly out but way to much info to discuss on here this AM maybe another day. Anyway I watched Amber's daughter while she did all the running which just ROCKED. I mean anytime I can sit here on my butt and yell from the chair to “STOP doing that” is excellent LOL. So we got the van up and running and road ready (with the help of her oldest son as we aren’t great TIRE CHANGERS LOL). Then we decided that we needed to throw a little party for our friend Holly to celebrate her new job and how well she is doing.

So we had Holly’s son, and his family and Ambers family and the babies and I (my teenagers were sitting at home with take out from Ambers LOL no need for them to interact I guess LOL) all with our own little throw together picnic for dinner (yeah the mess was at Ambers house LOL). Anyway we all ate, and I took the kids home, and Holly’s son left, and then Ambers husband left so what did the girls do? Oh yes, we got together for a GRIPE and LAUGH session. I can tell you I laughed my ass off for 30 minutes with NO KIDS around. OMG are you all jealous now LOL? I miss the hubby, and feel bad having any fun without him but it was a nice break from reality tonight.

So the morale of my rather short blog tonight is to remind us MOMS of couple things: One that Laughter is the BEST medicine for any depressing feelings. And two we all need a couple minutes alone or without kids to REST, REFRESH, and RENERGIZE our hearts and souls.

3 Wishes

2006-10-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

Ok so if you were cleaning out the attic and found a bottle that you rubbed and out popped a genie willing to grant you 3 wishes what would they be. Now remember that you only ever can have these 3 wishes. So think hard….what would you wish for?

My first gut instinct would be to have my deployed husband back home with me ASAP. But if he is home now then I didn’t accomplish my goals that I set for ME during his deployment. Hhhhhhhmmm that sounds odd coming out of my mouth…but the only way I was getting this weight off was to do it while he was gone…I mean I made up my mind I was gonna be skinny (well skinnier LOL), blonde and in pink camo shorts when I picked him up at the airport…and damn it I’m doing it this time. Also wishing him home today wouldn’t accomplish his MISSION…and we all know how important the MISSION is, even if we don’t want them too…its what they were made for, we have to let them do it. So nope my first wish wouldn’t be for him to be home today…although my heart does say different.

Ok, so now what wish? I guess if I had to chose a wish it would be for my kids. I wouldn’t wish for their life to be easy. No I want them to earn EVERYTHING its what I believe makes them better people. I want them to be happy but not without pain. I know that’s crazy but ya know what, it’s the pain that makes us stronger individuals in our lives. So what would I wish for my children? I guess that they live the lives they want to live maybe hitting the lottery once or twice too, so they can help out dear, old, mom LOL.

Well that’s one wish out of the way…I think maybe I’d wish for my family and friends lives to be a bit easier, and wealthier too. I mean hell if they could pay their houses, cars, and college loans off then they could all help me too LOL. See the trend here…if everyone else has the “GOLD” then I am set LOL.

I can tell you my final wish would be for all our military men and women to be home…NOT TODAY like I’d love to say, but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I need to be able to go to bed and know that this war (whether I agreed at the beginning or not doesn‘t matter right now) I need to know that this war accomplishes SOMETHING. I want someone to get the Democracy that they so need, I want the “BAD GUYS” all caught, sent to trial, and punished according to the law.

So my wishes ultimately would be for happiness and wealth for my family and friends, and World Peace. Good thing I am not a Miss America candidate as the whole World Peace thing is a bit cheesy but truly what I want. I want them all home safe and sound with their wives (or husbands), and their children. I want to go bed at night knowing that the MISSION was accomplished, and that NO ONE died in vain. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have made these particular wishes 4 years ago, but tonight as I sit here with my husband so very far away, I know that these are the RIGHT wishes to make, and even though he wants to be here with us that he has to stay awhile longer. So gang look for those magic bottles and remember to be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Letters

2006-10-14T17:14:00.000-04:00

So I write hubby everyday that he’s gone…ya know therapy for ME…LOL. And the other day when we talked, he actually told me he ISN’T reading my letters. Now what the hell is that? I mean come on now, I am so NOT a sappy woman. I mean he can’t even imagine that they are FULL of tears does he? Hhhhhhmmmmmm, so after I get done pouting, I say “Why aren’t you reading my letters?” He actually says to me “Ya know how I hate LOTS of WORDS” (maybe he’s looking for See Jane Cry instead of what I’m writing LOL). Again I will say what the hell does that mean? The man has two Masters degrees, I mean I know that he KNOWS how to read. And never mind that he’s thousands of miles away from me…you’d think he’d want to know how I was FEELING right? Gosh what a dork LOL.

So I revamp my letter writing…yeah I just got mad and DIDN’T send any for a week LOL. That sure didn’t fix the problem…I am still mad. So what angers me the most about the LETTER thing is this, I am not one of those “DIRTY” letter writing, or “DIRTY” word saying (no I don’t mean SWEARING…I have a mouth like a SAILOR LOL)…I mean D-I-R-T-Y word type of woman. So I attempt to write a COUPLE GOOD ones that he said he wanted me to SEND, so I did. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up gang…I used words I don’t like to even say out loud LOL (heck my kid calls it a pee pee..get the idea now LOL). So now that I have overcome my FEAR of writing the “DIRTY” words, I gotta ask myself what the point was in that lesson. I mean if he’s NOT even reading them…I could have done without the lessons LOL.

Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm so how do I deal with this…I mean do I keep sending the letters? Do I just forget it? I mean it was my THERAPY now wasn’t it. I guess if he doesn’t want too or CAN’T read them (oh wait maybe they are too hard for him to read…I mean maybe he MISSES me MORE if he reads them…oh good angle, lets go with that one LOL). I guess if the point was THERAPY for me, then I should keep writing them…and maybe he’ll eventually start reading them. Thanks for letting me vent a bit…too bad I didn’t type enough to FIND the answer LOL. Keep sending your letters everyone they really do NEED to read them even if they DON’T want too all the time. Have a great week-end.

Eating at the table

2006-10-12T15:08:00.000-04:00

Ok so we all grew up with DINNER and real utensils on the dinner table. And everyone around it yelling at once, and most of the time we’d manage to quiet down to say our prayers before dinner. Well that’s the image we all grew up with as kids and what we thought it would always be right? Then we became teenagers and got so busy in school and activates and dating, that dinner was usually waiting in the microwave for us when we got home…but mom or dad still sat down with us right? Well I’m here to tell you I am a lousy mom. I mean I cook SOMETHING for them every night….well I mean there’s something here for them every night even if its microwave SOMETHING they throw in themselves. OMG I suck. My mom was the queen of taking 3 ingredients and making a casserole for dinner and 95% of the time they were good. Holy crap I don’t dirty pans if I can help it. Oh my I stink…my mom would crap herself if she TRULY knew what I‘d become.

So you’re all asking where this “DOSE OF REALITY” came from for me today aren’t you? Well my babies (KD and Seth) asked me to get them French fries from McDonalds today for lunch and I thought hhhhmmmmm well its just the 3 of us, and payday is tomorrow, everyone has diapers, and milk and waffles for breakfast, so ok, lets go. Well I undercut them by going to Bojangles (it was so much closer for me LOL). And we came home with our food in tow to eat. Well I started to set them up at the coffee table and turn on Nick and they are like “NO we want to eat at THAT table.” OMG the kitchen table? What for…we NEVER eat there…well I don’t anyway LOL. So being the mom that I am I said ok, and set them up. They looked at me with those cute little puppy dog eyes and I realized OMG they expect me to sit here too. Wait we only do this for HOLIDAYS LOL. So I do what all moms with those looks do…I sat…NOT happily, but I sat none the less.

We had the best meal of my entire life. I laughed, and they talked to me and to each other, and the most amazing thing happened….NO ONE spilled ANYHING for me to clean up. When they were done eating, they said ok lets go take nap. Holy crap does this “Family Togetherness” thing ROCK. I think I may MAKE dinner tonight and sit at the table with everyone. I will keep ya all updated. But personally if you aren’t a TABLE DWELLER at mealtime…become one, it was worth it to see those FAMILY VALUES we were all raised with in ACTION today. Have a great dinner everyone.

So today is Tuesday

2006-10-10T13:54:00.000-04:00

We all know that Football game day is HARD on us. I miss him more than any other day on Tuesday. I miss his voice, I miss smile, I miss his lazy butt waiting till the last minute to rush out the door…and still make it on time.

I talked to a friend (Twila) of mine today, and she said I sounded Positive on my blog. I guess that’s good…I mean it is kinda what I was going for. I can tell you that today I am so NOT positive. I haven’t had a good conversation with him (really since he left…but for what we COULD term as good right now) since last week. I know that every day I get to bed with out a car pulling up to tell me something has happened to him is a good day. But NOT hearing from him is MISERABLE. I can’t breathe when I don’t hear his voice. This is so hard to try and plug through every single day without him. I can tell you that the next time I wish him away will be the day I know our life is NORMAL again. I would give ANYTHING to have him here today.

You know what I find the hardest about this whole thing? Well there are several but at the moment its people who have NO IDEA what you are going through and don’t know how you feel (it makes depressed days hard). People who have gone through deployments before and say they understand but secretly are Thanking God its not them again, and really are too busy to understand (I know I was this way once with a friend). And finally those people who I know have it worse than I do, and I‘m complaining (makes me feel guilty that I am upset ya know). My heart is broken today, and I am so lost. But here’s the downside to ME…I don’t want to call my friends and family and cry all the time or someone will tell me I’m depressed and need meds. I am NOT that depressed. Don’t get me wrong I am depressed but thats NORMAL right? I mean the pressure is almost unbearable some days. I don’t want to pay the bills anymore, and I don’t want to do EVERYTHING…but such is life. I mean it could always be worse couldn’t it? God is that a scary thought...worse than how I feel today? OMGosh.

I guess what scares me the most when I feel this SAD is how many tears am I allowed to cry before I am NOT normal. I mean can I cry every Tuesday till football season ends or not? Who sets that “LEVEL” for us, I mean I don’t want to be depressed but I want to know its ok to cry as often as I need too. Gosh this is so hard. The Navy should issue us manuals so we KNOW what to do, and what to FEEL. I mean hell they issue our husbands everything else now don’t they LOL. I know when I post this blog all my friends will immediately say “Oh she’s having a MELT DOWN.” But I’m not, honest just a bad day. By the time the football game is over I will be 1 day closer to the end of the season, and 1 day closer to him coming home. So don’t fret gang, I am really ok, I am just SAD today.

Can you hide?

2006-10-09T21:40:00.000-04:00

So sometimes no matter how hard you try to work through something or avoid something, it jumps up and smacks you right square in the face. Today I worked like a dog, moving beds, and picking up and whatever really needed done here. And at the end of the day I realized I didn’t accomplish a whole lot. Then I started thinking that I miss my husband. I mean not all the big stuff, but the little things. Like for example tomorrow night my oldest has a football game, and Mack has a “STRINGS” meeting at the same time. I can’t be both places at once so I end up screwing one of the kids. I mean not that there’s really a choice I have to be at the football game because I drive 3 or 4 of the kids regularly so they are all in need of a ride….but in doing that I can’t get to the meeting. I don’t know how single mothers do this. I need a break, I need him here.

I don’t mind that he goes off to fight for what he believes in, actually I am immensely proud of him for doing it, but I need help. I think the military should issue us nanny’s to pick up the slack. I can get over the lack of sex and even adult communication, but OMG do I want a break…I want to pee by myself or just shave my legs without having to stay up till midnight to be able to do it. There are only about 6 months to go, I know somewhere I will find the strength to do this, but I’m tired of being the taxi, and the person who runs for milk to the gas station because I forgot to pick it up during the day, and now we’re almost out. I am tired of doing all the cooking and all the cleaning, and all the baths, and I‘m tired of being the one they are mad at all the time. I want someone else to do it….I want him here to help me do it, I want them to be mad at him once in awhile.

Ok so now that the rant is out of the way, I can tell you that a good cry was in order. So about 100 tears later and a big broken heart (nope he didn’t call tonight so I had to explain that to the kids too), I am ready to start over tomorrow. I can tell you that as soon as he comes home I am NOT going to the damn gas station for milk, nor am I driving to EITHER school again until NEXT fall…LOL. Well at least that’s the plan tonight. So I guess the lesson of this blog is you just can’t run and hide no matter how hard you try….sometimes you just have to cry, and realize tomorrow will have to be better. Night gang.

30 days in...

2006-10-08T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well this family actually made it 1 month since hubby left. There have many, many lonely, sad, and down right miserable days, but we did it…and at the moment the check book balances still.....which is a plus in hubby’s eyes LOL. Anyway I have spent the past month looking for that one thing that would help my kids count down the days without being too taxing on me emotionally. I mean the Kisses every night in a jar was cool, except I have 4 kids do you realize that would be like 840+ pieces of candy…OMG that is a nightmare waiting to happen for a wife on a diet LOL. Then there was the paper chain activity, well it seemed like a great idea, but the thought of having paper all over my house, no, I couldn’t do it, I mean I worked too hard to be a GOOD HOUSEKEEPER LOL. So after a month of thinking about it I came up with an idea. We would celebrate every MONTH we made it without killing each other.

So today I got a cake and 7 candles (this will be an issue if hubby stays longer than 7 months but we’ll worry about that then). We lit 6 of the candles to symbolize the 6 months we have left to MAKE it without our HERO. Then in 30 more days I will buy another cake and we’ll light 5 candles but we’ll leave the 7 to REMIND us how far we’ve come TOGETHER.

So I guess the MORAL of this blog would be to FIND what works for YOU. Whatever it is that helps you as an INDIVIDUAL or as a FAMILY to get though a separation then GO FOR IT…and above all remember to SMILE, it does help.

Recipe for a Navy Wife

2006-10-07T18:45:00.000-04:00

1 ½ cup of Patience
1 cup of Courage
1 ¼ cups of Tolerance
Dash of Adventure
1 pound of Ability

With above Ingredients, add 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease.
Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears.
Pour off Excess Fat
Sprinkle ever so lightly with money.
Knead dough till payday.
Season with International spices.

Bake 20 years until done. Serve with Pride.

So I have this recipe hanging on a beautiful cutting board on my wall in my kitchen. Hubby bought it for me last year at this time. Ya know he was finally ACTIVE duty and we had access on the base to a beautiful craft shop. Ok so lets look at this recipe. Lets pull it apart for so understanding here: 1 ½ cup of Patience (NEVER had any of this). 1 cup of Courage ( um well I SOMETIMES have this…ONLY when necessary though). 1 ¼ cups of Tolerance (oh yeah this would be another one of those attributes I have lacked forever). Dash of Adventure (well I do have this ingredient…I so love to travel and see things and oh yeah spend money LOL). 1 pound of Ability (apparently I have proven to myself in the past month that I have ability but didn’t know it before he deployed). 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease (as a mom I have MORE than 2 TBSP…LOL). Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears (currently living this one). Pour off Excess Fat (weight watchers is helping out with this one LOL). Sprinkle ever so lightly with money…Knead dough till payday (yep LIGHTLY…did ya see that one…LIGHTLY with money…NEVER enough). Season with International spices (well maybe when he gets home…I mean he is in ANOTHER country…whoo hooo counting down the days till I can add those SPICES LOL). Bake 20 years until done (well we are over 14 years so we are on the way to completing this step). Serve with Pride (well hopefully Shayne is proud of me when he gets home and sees that I DID IT).

I’m not sure I am a TRADITIONAL Navy Wife but ya know what, I don’t care, all I want to be is myself. I want my husband to worship the ground I walk on, and spend TONS of money on me, and be proud of everything I do. Those things with him by my side would be the things that make up my RECIEPE for a Navy Wife. Guess NOT everyone knows how to make changes to recipes to have them work with their lives but we are working on it. I hope everyone looks at what society demands of us as WOMEN, WIVES, MOTHERS, and LEADERS and knows that we are all doing the BEST we can do, even if its NOT what the RECIPE called for originally. Good luck finding your recipe to life.

Good Days CAN happen

2006-10-06T14:20:00.000-04:00

My post today on Military Mom’s message board got me thinking. That I NEED to be more THANKFUL for what I have instead of sitting here mourning what I don’t. I mean I am LOST that my husband is gone. He truly is my heart, and the love of my life. I miss his handsome face, and the fact that he farts on my couch while I’m sitting in the same room. I even miss Bubba Burgers (that is so a story for another blog LOL). But I know that I can’t spend every waking moment LOST in my pain and frustration of having to be IN CHARGE. I have spent days worrying that I am doing the bills wrong, or not moving FRIEDA (that’s his beautiful RED MUSTANG) enough, and this morning when I woke I realized it DOESN’T matter if I’m doing it right, as long as the bills are paid on time, and the account isn’t overdrawn, then I’m ok. I know there’s a credit card for emergencies so I am truly fine. Today was probably the first day in a MONTH that I KNEW I was ok.

I missed shopping with him today, as he truly is a hoot. But I took the babies (well they are my babies at 2 and 3 yrs old) to McDonalds to play and they had a blast. I bought Seth a pair of Spiderman PJ pants because he is so into the SUPERHEROS. KD got a doll and she had to have Dora Underwear LOL. I then went and got Hubby a couple things for his upcoming boxes. I know that he’s not the easiest to buy for because he really doesn’t want ANYTHING but I feel better if I send stuff I think he needs…LOL So I got him some magazines he really wants, and got some more pictures of the kids and I have a video of my oldest sons football game to send him this week-end, as well as a PRESENT from me LOL no hints there gang sorry. But in a month he’ll have something to smile about too. So I went to the “GROWN UP GIRLS” store today…OMG I felt OLD…I didn’t realize ½ that stuff existed LOL. However Shayne if you’re reading this I did manage to spend a couple dollars…LOL.

I asked him the other night if he was TRULY ok, and to not just give me lip service. He told me it was a routine now, and except for missing me and the kids, he was ok. That it was only 23 more weeks (sounds much better than 162+ days doesn’t it LOL). I guess the only way to face this SEPERATION is head on, when I have the strength and when I don’t I need to cry a few minutes, take a nap and then start all over from a different angle. I love him and miss him horribly but today I am ok, which leaves me hope that maybe there will be MORE good days in the future. Until then I am just gonna enjoy today. Hope everyone else is having a nice day too.

Laundry?

2006-10-04T19:38:00.000-04:00

Where does it all come from? I mean there maybe 5 of us here right now but (go with me for a minute here) that’s only 5 outfits and 5 towels a day right (on average). So how in 2 days can I have 6 loads of laundry when we know that 14 towels makes a load. I guess it GROWS. I mean it must. Every week I do ALL the laundry…except for the outfits we are wearing (5 right?). Then the next morning I AMAZINGLY have 3 loads of laundry. Now come on how does it grow? Are the sticking SOMETHING in the laundry detergent that works like MIRACLE-GROW? I can not figure it out.

So today as I folded clothes I LOOKED closely at WHOSE stuff I had. I have taken 4 piles to the boys room. These would be the kids who wouldn’t bathe if I didn’t make them. I mean if they have a 4 day week-end I think they wear the same underwear from Thursday night…yeah I know gross LOL. But my point is how in 2 days can they have 4 PILES of clothes for me to wash, dry, fold and since they are both YOUNGER versions of their dad…probably put the stuff away too. Then as if that wasn’t enough I had 4 PILES of towels…ok I’m not gonna even make an issue here because I am a towel hog, and I hate to have to hang a towel to dry and re use it…so we’ll move beyond the towels. But I have taken 6 piles of clothes to my younger kids room….½ of which I know were CLEAN not once by TWICE already (and even this I can over look as they are 2 and 3 so they think dressing up is fun). I took my piddly pile of clothes to my bedroom….and I have 7 things ( I still have whites to wash so I have more LOL) but 7 items in my room to put away. So reading this, I can guarantee you except for towels, I am the LAUNDRY culprit here. I think that Osten , Mackenzie, and I are coming to a meeting of the minds here. There CAN NOT be this much laundry in this house.

Can you imagine how miserable it would be if we were back in “Laura Ingles Wilder Days” I mean no Maytag to hurry the process along….and those nails we are all trying to grow while hubby is deployed…well they’d be nonexistent now wouldn’t they LOL. So I guess I have a couple options here. I can be Mommy Dearest and rant and rave about the NEVER ENDING pile of LAUNDRY or I can grin and bear it and know that someday their kids will get even with them LOL. I think I’m gonna go with the later one and bide my time and then I’m gonna LMAO. Hope ya all don’t have as much laundry as I did today. Happy Washing gang....I was just looking at my past blogs...um ya think I have some HOUSE CLEANING GUILT setting in LOL. Guess I better get my rear in gear and get to CLEANING.

Who lives in your house?

2006-10-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

Ok so I was reading my friend Peggy’s blog yesterday about her hubby not actually ever being in their new apartment and it got me thinking about who lives in my house. Now realistically I know my husband is coming home (soon I hope) and that everything will have to go back the way it was. But at what point does that kitchen cupboard, or the master bathroom become yours? I mean I have my own space and things I actually call "MINE" even if my kids don't agree LOL.

See my husband OWNS the master bathroom, and the closet in there. He also has a corner cupboard in my kitchen where he stores all his granola and oatmeal. So what’s changed? Well he deployed, and I started cleaning a few things up...well not cleaning but rearranging because I got to look in places I hadn't looked in for a year. That corner cupboard is HUGE. OMG I can't believe he actually packs it with like "GOOD FOOD" do you know how many bags of Honey BBQ chips I could hide in that cupboard? Holy cow. Then I realized that the toilet in the master bathroom stays CLEAN if hubby isn't in there 100 times a day. Its actually white LOL. Now I did look in the bathroom closet and if I cleaned it out it would be a decent closet. But as it stands now its a great place to put all his MILITARY GEAR. Its never lost that way.

So anyway back to the topic of my blog. I realized that my husband was actually NOT living here for the time being when I opened "HIS" cupboard and found my splenda, and my weight watcher 2pt snack bars, oh and cream of wheat...and other stuff that would NEVER be in there if he was actually LIVING here LOL. So here's what I figure. If he wants to RETAIN any of the spaces that he calls HIS, then he will have to FIGHT me for them. Because I live here, so possession being like 9/10ths of the law and all...I guess that makes the cupboard MINE now....LOL. And since we're on the topic of acquiring possessions Shayne, your son and daughter think that they ONLY sleep on your side of the bed. So guess you'll be fighting me for the toilet, cupboard, and MUSTANG, and Seth and KD for the bed LOL. You are missed honey, but I do LOVE the cupboard.

To clean or not to clean?

2006-10-02T14:48:00.000-04:00

So here's the deal...Before hubby deployed I had an I'm LAZY phase on my house cleaning (yeah a bit of depression and such...LOL) but the ORIGINAL game plan was to CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN everything as soon as he left. So we're almost a month in and NONE of the HUGE cleaning I wanted to do is done. Sad I know but such is life for me right now I guess.

I think part of the main issue is that there's NO REAL SCHEDULE. I mean except for getting the kids, to school the babies fed, and put down for naps, and the general cleaning, then picking them up from their activities, doing dinner, homework, baths and then bedtime...Where on that list of "DAILIES" is there any time to actually do MAJOR cleaning? There really isn't.

However the point of this blog is to REMIND myself that even though hubby isn't coming home every night that I can't let this place go. I mean my house is an "everything has a place...Put it in it" type of house. But I can tell you the past two days I have been a dog with cleaning. I just DON'T want to do it. No I'm not depressed...I just don't see the need too. Why? Oh yeah there's NO SCHEDULE. Hubby isn't coming home, my kids don't care if all the laundry or dishes are done. However in my "flu/cold sickness" I have going on today I am looking around this house and well, I care. I have 5 or 6 loads of laundry and dishes to do, and a kitchen floor to scrub, and OMG we aren't even gonna discuss the toilets that need cleaned LOL.

So where does that leave me? I gather that the GROWN-UP side of me says to get my lazy rear moving and get this house cleaned. However the I wanna be a "COUCH POTATO" side of me says he won't be home till Spring so that means just SURFACE cleaning...whoo hooo. Guess that being said I gather its time to get on a REAL schedule and get some CLEANING done and be a grown-up. Gosh if that isn't depressing LOL. Till tomorrow everyone get "CLEANING."

“Hurry up and WAIT”

2006-10-01T00:57:00.000-04:00

OMG for sure if you are in the military or married to someone in the military you know what this phrase means. I sat here this evening waiting. Oh yeah waiting for an email. Now I know the man is calling on Sunday right…so I don’t have to sit and wait for the phone to ring. That’s great but tonight I waited on an email. OMG go figure.

Let me tell ya what I have decided about “Hurry up and WAIT” its EVERYWHERE. I mean if you’re a mom you are always HURRYING them along to get ready, to get moving, to finish homework, and to get dressed after the football game and in the car ASAP…..BUT we end up WAITING. OMG do we WAIT. Who takes 30 minutes to remove a football uniform? Then we have potty training. Another “Hurry up and WAIT” thing in life. Do I even need to explain this one…NOPE ya all know it stinks. I guess I could go on and on listing all the “Hurry up and WAIT” moments in my life but realized I would probably EXCEED the bandwidth allowed for my blog so I thought maybe I could list a few things that DON’T fall into this category.

So THINKING…….STILL thinking….and hhhhhhmmmmmm yet STILL thinking. So after sitting her for a good 30 minutes I have decided that this whole “Hurry up and WAIT” attitude of our military life so shouldn’t one surprise me and two shock me I mean that is my life right? So if that’s the case why do I find this mentality so HARD to accept with regards to ORDERS, PCS movers, planes to arrive, I mean again the list could go on couldn’t it now? LOL. Do we do this to ourselves? I mean do we set ourselves up to be NUTS? Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm maybe. Maybe in the overall scheme of things we really are NUTS? No, there’d be way TOO many of us NOT on meds to explain it that way. So what does that leave? I mean do we need to just have SOMETHING to yell about? Or is it a way to FOCUS our fear of the unknown elsewhere (oh that’s too Psychologically deep for me tonight to even process…LOL) so we’re gonna go with I’m NUTS tonight LOL and I am ANGRY that there is NOTHING I am in control of sometimes in life. Back to the ORIGINAL thought of EVERYTHING being “Hurry up and WAIT” in my life.

Guess I better find away to accept this attitude in my life and stop complaining about it or hell I may need meds and therapy LOL. No that’s its I’m gonna EMBRACE this, and smile….yeah JUST as soon as he has ORDERS so I can PRETEND I know when he’s coming HOME LOL. Anyway gang, hang in there, I just wanted you all to know you aren’t ALONE in this “Hurry up and WAIT” thing we call LIFE.

My kids and my strength

2006-09-29T23:17:00.000-04:00

Ya know when life seems at its worst and you don't know how to NOT feel bad or be upset I figured out how to MOVE beyond that feeling. Wanna know? Look in the eyes of your children. The are the most INCREDIBLE place to look.

They are beautiful and clear, and full of life. And when I look at my kids before they drop off to sleep I know they are what keeps me going while Shayne is away. I can’t imagine one day of my life with out them. Don’t get me wrong some days I don’t even like them but OMG do I love them.

I found myself tearing up the other night thinking I am a really crappy mom. I mean I have a short temper (not something I’m proud of) and I have a quick tongue. Sometimes I forget to stop before I yell at them. And then I back pedal, which as moms we know isn’t good, it defeats the original purpose of discipline now doesn’t it? I know I can do better with them. I mean they are EXCELLENT kids (loud, and occasionally lazy but EXCEPTIONAL kids). They work so hard at everything, and help more than you can even imagine. Except for driving and bills they do the same stuff around here that I do. They all change diapers, and pick up and take out the trash and bath kids, and even fold laundry and put it away. Heck how can you ask for more than that in any kid.

I want them to be happy, and never hurt. But I know that isn’t possible ALL the time. Like now for instance, while Shayne is gone. Every night I hear Mackenzie say a quick, quiet prayer for Daddy while he’s away to keep him safe, and please don’t let the bad guys hurt him. My son, Seth says Daddy’s not at work, he’s getting me dinosaurs, cause he loves me, and I miss him. Then my daughter, oh she’s the tip of tears some days for me. Every night when I get in bed (Seth and KD are always in my bed LOL They’ve taken over Shayne’s side…just keeping it warm for ya dad), anyway, every night KD kisses daddy’s picture and says I love you to the moon and back daddy. And I smile with a few tears welling up, and then she holds the picture till she’s almost asleep. Ya know the best is that its isn’t the greatest picture of Shayne, we have a lot better but its her favorite (the one form the Naval yard in Washington DC Shayne…she thinks your driving a boat or a plane). My oldest, Osten, well he is like his dad, and quiet and reserved, I’m never quite sure what he’s thinking until football game night, he struggles a lot those nights, as until daddy deployed he may have missed maybe 3 games in 7 years of football for this kid. He is growing up so fast I don’t know what to do with him. Actually they all are but that’s a topic for another day too.

So I guess that what I need to do is focus on the good things in my life. I mean I know my husband is coming home soon (spring is only like 170 days away ), and I want him to be proud of the person I’ve grown into. And I want my kids to remember the FUN they had with mom while dad was away, and how I picked up the pieces and made it all OK. So this is the TURNING point all you women told me about. I am ready to face this hopefully with a few less tears, and a lot more courage than I think I have. I know that my strength comes form those 4 sets of BEAUTIFUL eyes of my children. And tomorrow we’re gonna go to the park and have some laughs.

Romantic love or True Love?

2006-09-28T19:19:00.000-04:00

My mother-in-law once told me that very few people were lucky enough to have ROMANTIC and TRUE love in their lives, and I believe that to be true. I mean now don’t get me wrong I have friends that have both, but in all honesty I know that I have TRUE love. Shayne and I aren’t big PDA all touchy, feely type people. But I do know when he looks at me that he loves me. Sometimes I get jealous/envious of those people I know that have all the ROMANCE but today I had a THINKING session

As I headed to a doctors appointment by myself (no kids….it was very quiet), I had time to think. I thought about the past 14 years with my husband. He is an AMAZING man, I truly do love him with my whole heart and soul. I can not imagine my life without him. I guess for me that this deployment forced me to look at us and our life. And my fear isn’t so much the danger that he is in (although I know it is dangerous where he is)….it is how WE are gonna change. I mean I love us, and how we are, but its inevitable that we be different people, that our kids be different people. So will it be better or worse? That’s a big question , and a huge fear. I know that the Navy and deploying to fight for our country was very important to Shayne. It has been as long as I have known him. And there was no question as to whether I would support this WANT/NEED he had to do this, because I LOVE him and would never NOT support him. But some days when I am sitting here alone, I wished he didn’t feel this need. But on the other hand we have had some wonderful changes in our lives since he entered the Navy. Never mind he is HOT in his uniforms LOL.

So as I looked at all our MOMENTS in the past years, I know that he is truly a very ROMANTIC man. I mean I may not get hugged and kissed and hand held everyday, but his ROMANCE means more to me because I don’t have that stuff everyday. By that I mean I can tell you every time the man has said “I love you” to me, and I can tell you every “mushy” card he has ever given me and every time he’s ever given me flowers…which is pretty regular for Shayne…LOL. I think that the most romantic moment he has given me was the day that he deployed (no not that he left LOL) it was our 14th Anniversary and he was flying out for 8 months. He has NEVER missed our anniversary nor has he NOT given me an AWESOME gift, heck one year the man bought me a dishwasher (yep he rocks). Anyway this year as he walked up to the airport door, he said “hey I left your anniversary in the trunk of my car. See ya soon.” So I said “wait honey what if I can’t do this?” He told me “you can, I believe in you.” So I came home and opened the trunk of his car to find this beautiful solid wood wall clock. I brought it in, and cried because I knew it was because I was gonna “watch the time.” So as I pulled myself together and got up and started picking up the house in pulled the florist van with flowers and a card. On the card the man wrote me a poem:

Watch the Clock
Time will go Fast.
I’ll see you,
When I get back.

Love
Shayne

Now girls if that isn’t ROMANTIC and TRUE love I don’t know what is. He is my hero, and the love of my life, and I miss him when he isn’t here with us. But I do know no matter how WE change as individuals, as a couple, and as a family I know we will still be US…strong and truly in love with each other.

Loneliness

2006-09-27T20:00:00.000-04:00

Loneliness (adj)
1 : being without company : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

So now that the MORBID definition of this word is out of the way lets discuss "loneliness" when your husband is deployed and you have friends and family. Ya know sometimes in life it doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with you can still be ALONE. I mean take me for example: I have 4 kids, and I have a few friends that live near me in this city, and I have tons of friends and family that are w/in 11 hours of me. In a pinch I could be there by dinnertime any week-end. But without Shayne I am LOST many hours out of everyday. I mean as a Navy wife I know I'm supposed to be tough, and strong, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But today when my 11 yr old was sick enough that I had to go pick him up at school and take him to the doctor, I missed my husband. I have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old I had to relocate so I could deal with Mackenzie. Now if I lived closer to family or my husband was home babysitting (not the right word to use with your own kids I don't think) wouldn't have been an issue now would it?

Anyway, I managed, but the problem I struggle with is one all wives deal with (I think) how to get EVERYTHING done with out hubby around. I mean the majority of husbands work whether they are military or not so we all feel like "single moms" at certain points in our lives. I know that I have a support system but I have to learn to use it. There are women here with me who will watch my kids when I need it, and I do know that. But since I am lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mom, and don't often NEED anyone to baby-sit, I don't always know how to ask for help. That leads into a topic for ANOTHER day...LOL

I truly am not sure how to deal with loneliness though. I mean in a world where we are surrounded by tons of people physically and millions more via the internet how can any one of us be LONELY. But we are lonely, and many days of our lives bleakness or desolation can set in. So what do we do to cope? Hhhhhhmmmmmm I guess we learn to ASK for help and to TALK to anyone and everyone who will listen to us. There are kind people out there even if they DON'T understand what we are going though as military wives whose husbands deploy. But that being said we as military wives need to remember that there are women out there dealing with the same feelings that we are even if their husbands aren't deployed, and they too need our support. So the moral of this blog is LONELINESS no matter what the reason is there for all of us and we need to help out each other just to get though each instant that we as WIVES are lonely.

Candle Wax

2006-09-26T08:02:00.000-04:00

Now I know you all are reading this because of the title but it is NOT what you think...Come on gang the husband is deployed so candle wax alone....Nope NO FUN...LOL. Anyway this blog is about my kid who seems to KNOW everything at the age of 2. Obviously a genius right....NOT. Keep reading......

So I find out hubby's deploying and get depressed. And don't buy my typical payday present (to myself) of tons of candles. Which go ALL over my house (its all about the mood for me I think lOL). Anyway, he is two weeks in and its payday so I decide that "FALL SCENTS" would be an excellent thing to BOOST my mood right? Well Cinnamon Apple all over the kitchen (yep they are RED...Know where I'm going YET...Keep reading). So the K.D. and I have a ritual every night that the candles are lit. And that is we BLOW them out together. Cheesy I know but she is 2 she enjoys it...For me heck they get blown out quicker...LOL. So light these beautiful RED candles the 1st night and we start blowing them out a few hours later (at bedtime). I get sidetracked with my 3 year old and in comes K.D. with the candle (still lit) from the kitchen table......Horror sets in but not FAST enough. She trips over the dog, wax is ZOOMING throughout my Living room (oh yeah its a rented house)...Screaming in pain begins. I scoop her up and she is COVERED in wax. Half her head of beautiful blond hair is now matted down to her face and neck in RED wax. It was in her ear and her nose. So I go next door to my neighbors to have her help me start PEELING it off and to figure out how I am gonna save her head of hair...LOL.

45 minutes later and 1/2 a bottle of Suave cream rinse and I finally got almost all of it out of her hair. Skin was still a bit RED stained in places, but she survived. Now what I failed to notice it the carpet. So after another hour of ironing and ruining wash cloths, I got all the wax up but didn't get all the red stain out (so my friend has this STUFF to get anything red based out of carpet....So ya know what I'll be doing soon don't ya...LOL).

Anyway the moral of this story is what? Well I guess that as a mother of 4 I thought I had done it and seen all that 2 yr olds can do, but they NEVER cease to keep doing something NEW and SHOCKING now do they? Also a house with kids should NEVER purchase RED CANDLES or RED JUICE...just a helpful hint for everyone.

"Oh he's Deployed?"

2006-09-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

Oh how often I have heard that phrase with the "attitude" to go with it. Ya know people forget what these men and women give up to "FIGHT FOR THEIR FREEDOMS" now don't they? I mean when my BIL got deployed for a 2nd time to Iraq he used to tell my SIL that it was ok people complained about the war his fighting gave them that right.

Well I never really gave that conversation a second thought UNTIL it directly effected me. My husband joined the Navy and works hard every single day. And to actually hear people complain or minimize the war, angers me. At this point in time, whether they agree with the war of not is moot point isn't it? I mean my goodness we've been there a LONG time already. So whether we should have gone or not is not worthy of a discussion. BUT what upsets me the most is that the men and women are still there and left alone, and instead of these people YELLING about it they NEED to support these BRAVE men and women and the families they have left behind. I did manage to apologize to my SIL for not being more supportive during that earlier conversation.

Now I have friends and family who say things like "I'd be glad my husband was gone for 8 months" or "Be glad he's not going to Iraq for a year" or my all time favorite is the "It will be ok, you are strong you can do this because you have too." Now many days over the past 14 years I would have LOVED for him to be gone, but EVERYONE wants what they don't have. Now he's gone and my heart is broken everyday. The Iraq one....Well all I can say about that is my husband is gone to another country, for 8 months w/o the kids or I and to me its not about WHERE he is but its where he isn't that's hard. Ya know deployment to ANYWHERE is scary and needs to NOT be minimized. And finally, I know I can do this, and I will....But once in awhile it would be nice if someone understood that this is miserably hard many hours though out every day. I would love to NOT have to pay the bills, or change every diaper, or do well EVERYTHING, but I have too, its the life we are married too. BUT that doesn't make it any EASIER for us or for him.

I am so proud of my husband for the job he is doing, and I'm angry at the same time. I mean who volunteers to leave his family and go fight for EVERYONE else's freedoms. I want that to NOT be his job, but even as I type those words I know that would make him someone who he isn't. And how could I NOT support his love for this country and his need to do this for not only us but everyone else? I mean I couldn't imagine NOT supporting him. He is truly an amazing man and I am so proud of him. So as you read this, remember that even if you don't agree with the WAR, know that MANY of us have given up so much to fight for FREEDOM, and everyday when you say a prayer you NEED to offer one up for the BRAVE men and women AND their families they left behind.

Sundays

2006-09-24T12:18:00.000-04:00

Did you ever wonder "what you were gonna do on Sunday?" I mean except for Church and football games what is it we DO on Sundays? Funny how those questions come to mind when your "football watching...Bubba Burger eating husband" deploys now isn't it?

So here I sit wondering what to do with myself. I mean I don't really wanna watch football...SORRY SHAYNE. I am so NOT cleaning with 4 kids home in the house today, and well payday is next week so SHOPPING THERAPY is out of the question. So what should I do with myself?

I think that there should be a SUNDAY activity on all military bases and in every town throughout the world. Then I wouldn't be doing the I'm sad, I'm lonely thing that I am doing today now would I? I think that will be my mission today to FIND something fun to do....hhhhhhmmmm guess I will be heading to the phone book to see all that we have to OFFER here in this town.

Ya know that husband of mine was in a boat yesterday while his buddy's went scuba diving, and they caught lobsters to eat. I had lettace...OMG a diet while hubby is deployed what the heck was I thinking? Oh yeah to blow his mind when he got off the plane in 8 months. Boy do I wish I was eating REESES CUPS instead...LOL. Well I ended up spending my Sunday counting down to a Weight Watcher meeting...ya are jealous now I know. Officially I lost 15.6 lbs last week and a total of 20.6 since hubby deployed. Think he'll be SHOCKED to see me SKINNIER? Only time will tell I guess. Ok I am off here till later on.

September 2006

2006-09-23T19:28:00.000-04:00

I have the most AMAZING husband in the entire world. I mean not only is he HANDSOME and SMART, but he's an officer in the United States Navy....How can you get better than that in ANY man.

So he's been in for 3 years (started out in the RESERVES to make sure he wanted to ACCELERATE his life LOL), and now he is active duty and recently deployed. RECENTLY...Well that's an understatement he left 2 1/2 weeks ago. This is his first deployment and I am here thousands of miles away from him with 4 kids (yeah FOUR...LOL) and a dog (who hates me and has fleas that he's allergic too), so I have to bath him weekly and have him shaved every couple months....Nice huh? Ya all are jealous now aren't you...LOL.

I created this blog because Chaos Mommy showed me how. And if you want some great reading check out her site :) its wonderful.

Ok, well its almost bedtime...THANK GOODNESS. I will add more as this deployment goes on....May be all that keeps me SANE :)