Its like a TORNADO....

.....emotions, mess, tears, yelling, fear, laughing, picture taking, emailing, call forwarding, breakage, and constant deep breathing. That's some of the words I can use to describe this deployment. There is something CONSTANTLY going on here. Some days good, some days bad, and some days, well I count down the seconds till bedtime.

If I could change one thing about this deployment, it wouldn't be that he be home, becasue this is his job, although I LONG for him to be home with me...its still his job to be gone and do what he is doing. No, the one thing I would change is the tightness in my chest. Many MOMENTS (not days or hours, its seconds) the stress seems overwhelming. But if I can THINK it thru I can usually find the answer.

I am a much stronger person than I was before the military life our family lives, and if nothing else, for me personally this was a much needed trait I THOUGHT I had, but separation that you have NO CONTROL over kinda FORCES us to take stock in our lives.

My husband is truly one of the 5 reasons I get up every single day and go on, thru the crap life deals us. I wish that things wouldn't break as soon as they get out of the country, and leve the mess for us to pick up, but its the job of a military wife. Last time it was that beautiful $800 flat screen we had bought like 3 months earlier....this time (knock on wood) its not my big HD Plasma flat screen that ranks right below the mustang (Freida) for Shayne...nope its my darn air conditioning. But after days of realizing that I am NOT gonna live in a sauna in my own darn house, I figured a way around waiting till payday LOL, I'm gonna call and use his CC that he has. I'm thinking this is a NECESSITY in today's society for several reasons:

1. I'm a big girl, and sweating SUCKS
2. I'm old, and sweating SUCKS
3. I'm tired from the heat, and sweating SUCKS
and finally,
4. WTH am I gonna do when HIS dog dies of heat stroke in my damn living room...so guess that means fixing it is a NECESSITY LOL.

So I hate calling repair men, I always feel like I HAVE to do what they say, but I'll listen and if it sounds WRONG, I'll call someone else...thank God for some rain this week.

Yep my life is a tornado right now, but wanna know the funny part, even when my husband is home our life is chaotic, and funny, and usually requires LOTS of deep breathing LOL. Guess its not much different except for my "can't breath tight chest." But like everyone else who has problems, I'll deal, and move FORWARD towards that LIGHT at the END of the TUNNEL. I can see the light, I just want it to stay put for a few weeks so I can get to it LOL. Have a great week everyone.

I miss you....

.....so much at times it hurts to breathe. I find myself LOST in thoughts of us, and some days TRYING to just find the strength to get through it. I know you will be home in the not so distant future, but the daily grind of being positive, and getting it ALL done by myself SUCKS. I am so PROUD of the man you are, and the INSPIRATION you are for our children, but my selfish side is angry that I have to give up MY time with you. Life is so short, that suddenly I feel like any MISSED day or opportunity might not ever come by again.

I want to NEVER feel this way while you are gone, but SOME DAYS are EASIER than OTHERS, and then some require a brown paper bag to catch my breath. Sweetheart, yesterday when you called you said "I feel better after talking to you." OMG that was one of those MOMENTS that MIGHT have slipped by unnoticed if you and I hadn't been on the phone.....just us. I love everything about you, and everything we are TOGETHER.

I will ALWAYS support whatever decision about your life you want to make, but its truly an HONOR for us to share those decisions TOGETHER. One day 17+ years ago, I met a young man in the amphitheater at Kent State University (its now gone) but it was there on that day looking up at your face, and realizing that you were...no you ARE the man I want to spend every moment of my life with. You were my HERO then and you are my HERO now. I know this deployment has its own "issues" for you (as well as us) but know that "right is right" and I support anything you do for that cause. I BELIEVE in you, and I know that you will find the strength to get through whatever crap you have too there, and honey I will keep this place running and waiting for you.

Happy Day Off today Shayne....I love you with every fiber of my being.

Its been an emotional summer...

ya know first it started out with Shayne leaving, then having to head to Ohio and see Shayne's parents who haven't spoken to us hardly at all since the falling out in April, then a dear friend of ours from NC who hubby was deployed got killed, so we drove South for the funeral. And now Shayne can't come home to see us at all.

Now looking at everything going on around us I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to blog or clean...can you? I miss my husband so much, and I am trying to hard to find the strength that I have had for weeks, but Tyler's dad getting killed kinda of put my life and heart into prespective, and I am trying very hard to grab my boot straps and MOVE FORWARD. His death was a true realization that "there but before the grace of God" could be our family. I love the Navy, and I am proud of my husband, but this deployment, and Roger's death make me hate this war and the evil in the world that exist. I saw my son and his dear friend grow up so fast right in front of my eyes. We have had deaths in our family, but none that felt this close to home (ya know friend, someone our age not an older person, and deployed...and with Shayne gone right now it was scary).

Life will move forward for everyone, but as I sat at that funeral watching that dear boy and his mother so brave speaking to the auditorium, I realized I didn't know if I could ever do that. I know, I know we all do what we have too, but daily since I found out about this tragedy, I try to remember that I need to tell my family I love them everyday. Do I really want the last thing that they remember to be me yelling at them? The true display of heroism for any of us isn't so much how we live our lives, but who we touch along the way. I want my children to grow up and believe in the community, the country, and their family the way Shayne and I do, and I know that we are giving them that direction. I am sorry that words are never enough to help anyone thru such horrible things in life, but I do know that some place Tyler's dad is watching over all of them and touching the lives of so many people...he is truly an angel for all of us.

Tonight IF I get to talk to Shayne I will once again hold my tongue about being mad at the Navy and the deployment, and be grateful that I have one more day to love my family. If you haven't taken a second to say "I love you" to someone special in your life, do it, this summer has proven to me that we aren't guaranteed any amount of time, and that life is way too short to miss any opportunity.

History of the 4th of July

***Disclaimer I did NOT write this article, but I found it (click here) and it said it better than I ever could. So enjoy it. As a side note, on this day, my husband and thousands of other men and women still fight for our freedom's away from home, so for our forefathers, our military (past and present) please say a prayer for them, as you celebrate this holiday and the freedom of our country.****

History of the 4th of July



“Thus may the 4th of July, that glorious and ever memorable day, be celebrated through America, by the sons of freedom, from age to age till time shall be no more. Amen and Amen.”
~Virginia Gazette on July 18th, 1777

Schoolchildren in America learn the basic history of the events surrounding the Fourth of July, but the details of this monumental occasion in American history somehow fall through the cracks.

Although July 4th is celebrated as America’s official split from Britain’s rule and the beginning of the American Revolution, the actual series of events show that the process took far longer than a single day.

Taxation without representation! That was the battle cry of the 13 colonies in America who were forced to pay taxes to England’s King George III with no representation in Parliament. As dissatisfaction grew, British troops were sent in to quell any signs of rebellion, and repeated attempts by the colonists to resolve the crisis without war proved fruitless.

The original resolution was introduced by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia on June 7, 1776, and called for the Continental Congress to declare the United States free from British rule.

On June 11, 1776, the colonies’ Second Continental Congress, meeting in Philadelphia, formed a committee with the express purpose of drafting a document that would formally sever their ties with Great Britain. The committee included Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Roger Sherman and Robert R. Livingston. The document was crafted by Jefferson, who was considered the strongest and most eloquent writer (nevertheless, a total of 86 changes were made to his draft!) The final version, the document that we know as the Declaration of Independence was officially adopted by the Continental Congress on July 4, although the resolution that led to the writing of the Declaration was actually approved two days earlier.

The following day, copies of the Declaration of Independence were distributed and, on July 6, The Pennsylvania Evening Post became the first newspaper to print the extraordinary document.

On July 8, 1776, the first public readings of the Declaration were held in Philadelphia’s Independence Square to the ringing of bells and band music.
All of this had occurred with some of the delegates to the Congress not even present; New York, for example, did not even vote on the resolution until July 9th. (Did you know that that not a single signature was appended to the Declaration on July 4th. While most of the fifty-six names were in place by early August, one signer, Thomas McKean, did not actually sign the Declaration until 1781.)

One year later, on July 4, 1777, Philadelphia marked Independence Day by adjourning Congress and celebrating with bonfires, bells and fireworks.

The custom eventually spread to other towns both large and small, where the day was marked with processions, oratory, picnics, contests, games, military displays and fireworks. Observations throughout the nation became even more common at the end of the War of 1812 with Great Britain.

On June 24, 1826, Thomas Jefferson sent a letter to Roger C. Weightman, declining an invitation to come to Washington, D.C., to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. It was the last letter, Jefferson, who was gravely ill, ever wrote. In it, Jefferson says of the document:

May it be to the world, what I believe it will be ... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains ... and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. ... For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.

In 1941, Congress declared July 4 a legal Federal holiday. Today, communities across the nation mark this major midsummer holiday with parades, fireworks, picnics and the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner" and marches by John Philip Sousa.



Special Celebrations

Many Fourth of July customs have not changed since our earliest celebrations. But some communities across the nation have developed their own special traditions:

* Celebrants in Seward, Alaska, take part in a six-mile foot race to the top of Mount Marathon and back. Further north in Kotzebue, Alaska, traditional Inuit contests are held.
* The citizens of Lititz, Pennsylvania have spent their winters since 1818 making thousands of candles so that the children of the town can light them during a special "Festival of Candles" the night of July 4.
* And, on the morning of July 4, the community of Tecumseh, Nebraska, raises more than 200 flags around the courthouse as a way of remembering those who have served in our country’s armed forces. Each flagpole bears the name of a man or woman from Tecumseh who has served in the United States military.
* On July 4, 1976 major celebrations throughout the country marked America’s 200th birthday. In Washington, D.C., 33 tons of fireworks were exploded in the sky above the Washington Monument, along with Laser beams that spelled out " 1776-1976, Happy Birthday, USA." In New York, a succession of tall sailing ships from all over the world sailed up the Hudson River.

I want this to go away....

....these feelings I can't seem to shake. I miss my husband so much and today just sucked, so I miss him even more. Now when I say I hate the Navy, I don't really, I just hate it right now. I can't call him when I'm upset, and by the time he can call me I have found a way to adapt and deal...which is good, but I still hate this.

The other day my friend Peggie was talking about her husband leaving again after just getting home from 15+ months to be gone all summer, and my heart broke for her. Ya know that's how I feel, we just get used to it being how it is, and something else takes them a way. And yes I know "that's what they signed up for" and I'm fine with that, except when my heart is broken, and I feel like there is a cement block sitting on my chest while I TRY and breathe. And just for the record, I didn't marry the military, I'm supporting something that is so important to him and our family...yeah that's the serving our country pride thing we have going on.

I don't care if this is his job and what he signed up for I HATE this. I'll deal but I still HATE it. I am so PROUD of him that I smile just thinking about it, but I don't want to be separated anymore....I miss him, I need him to be here so WE can function TOGETHER. I don't want to plan another darn holiday with out him. But since that's not going to happen, I will find a way to "buck up" and deal. I can and have done it before, and I'll do it again. I just wanted to vent about my miserable feelings today.

Things don't always mesh

By "things" I mean your feelings, your wants, your needs, your wishes, and well real life. Many of the days (so far) this deployment have been.....bearable, I mean well "life goes on" right? But some days I truly can't find that strength to get thru the day will all my marbles LOL. Yesterday was one of those days.

I miss Shayne so much, and I need to talk to him, but when we get on the phone some times those "things" get all intertwined with the "real life" issues we need to discuss, and I forget to tell him how much he means to me.

So tonight I decided to blog him a message, so you are welcome to read on gang.

Shayne, my love, you hold my heart in your hands so far away, and sometimes when it hurts I get so angry that you can't fix it for me. I WANT to see you sooner rather than later. I NEED to hear your voice and see those "dimples" I love so much, and I WISH that we didn't have to be separated today, or any day for that matter. However since "REAL LIFE" has a direction for us that isn't in my "things" I want/need/wish for list I will have to adapt. I am PROUD of you and everything you stand for. I will close my eyes tonight KNOWING that you are close to me in my heart, even if not in our house right now. Be safe honey, and know that even though "things don't mesh for us right now, that you are the LOVE of my LIFE, and my HERO. Good night, and know I am seeing the same moon you are, so we are ONLY that far apart.

You Complete Me....

....that's how I feel about my Shayne. He is the "love of my life" my soul mate, my best friend. And for lots of years I truly wondered if he knew it. But some how this deployment, I have had an epiphany on my life. I realized that NO ONE chooses to have 4 kids and stay married for 17 years, and make a life like we have if you don't truly love each other.

Its funny, I have loved him since the day I saw his face, and heard his voice...hell I didn't even know what he was going to college for, I just KNEW he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, and now I am. I wondered how anything else in life could compare to that first moment? But its amazing, that life finds a way to remind you that its precious and amazing, and ever changing, and that love is truly UNLIMITED. I read on a friends blog (sorry I can't remember which one of you BRILLIANT people wrote this) that said love is continuously able to be refilled....and ya know what it's true. Love is truly NEVER ENDING.

While Shayne is gone this time, WE are working hard to get ahead instead of doing EVERYDAY retail therapy (although it was fun) like we did the last time. Deployments SUCK...there is NO OTHER way to say it, but as with ANYTHING in life you have a choice....either make it POSITIVE or be NEGATIVE. I am choosing to be POSITIVE this time.

My husband is my life, and I FINALLY in the deepest part of my heart KNOW I'm his...guess that old adage of "love yourself first and believe in yourself" is true. The moment I made changes in ME and my self-esteem, I could SEE my life....and all the joy in it. So today I just wanted you to know honey that YOU COMPLETE ME....and although right now I HAVE to live with out you, I DON'T WANT to live with out you. You are my hero.