I want this to go away....

....these feelings I can't seem to shake. I miss my husband so much and today just sucked, so I miss him even more. Now when I say I hate the Navy, I don't really, I just hate it right now. I can't call him when I'm upset, and by the time he can call me I have found a way to adapt and deal...which is good, but I still hate this.

The other day my friend Peggie was talking about her husband leaving again after just getting home from 15+ months to be gone all summer, and my heart broke for her. Ya know that's how I feel, we just get used to it being how it is, and something else takes them a way. And yes I know "that's what they signed up for" and I'm fine with that, except when my heart is broken, and I feel like there is a cement block sitting on my chest while I TRY and breathe. And just for the record, I didn't marry the military, I'm supporting something that is so important to him and our family...yeah that's the serving our country pride thing we have going on.

I don't care if this is his job and what he signed up for I HATE this. I'll deal but I still HATE it. I am so PROUD of him that I smile just thinking about it, but I don't want to be separated anymore....I miss him, I need him to be here so WE can function TOGETHER. I don't want to plan another darn holiday with out him. But since that's not going to happen, I will find a way to "buck up" and deal. I can and have done it before, and I'll do it again. I just wanted to vent about my miserable feelings today.

Things don't always mesh

By "things" I mean your feelings, your wants, your needs, your wishes, and well real life. Many of the days (so far) this deployment have been.....bearable, I mean well "life goes on" right? But some days I truly can't find that strength to get thru the day will all my marbles LOL. Yesterday was one of those days.

I miss Shayne so much, and I need to talk to him, but when we get on the phone some times those "things" get all intertwined with the "real life" issues we need to discuss, and I forget to tell him how much he means to me.

So tonight I decided to blog him a message, so you are welcome to read on gang.

Shayne, my love, you hold my heart in your hands so far away, and sometimes when it hurts I get so angry that you can't fix it for me. I WANT to see you sooner rather than later. I NEED to hear your voice and see those "dimples" I love so much, and I WISH that we didn't have to be separated today, or any day for that matter. However since "REAL LIFE" has a direction for us that isn't in my "things" I want/need/wish for list I will have to adapt. I am PROUD of you and everything you stand for. I will close my eyes tonight KNOWING that you are close to me in my heart, even if not in our house right now. Be safe honey, and know that even though "things don't mesh for us right now, that you are the LOVE of my LIFE, and my HERO. Good night, and know I am seeing the same moon you are, so we are ONLY that far apart.

You Complete Me....

....that's how I feel about my Shayne. He is the "love of my life" my soul mate, my best friend. And for lots of years I truly wondered if he knew it. But some how this deployment, I have had an epiphany on my life. I realized that NO ONE chooses to have 4 kids and stay married for 17 years, and make a life like we have if you don't truly love each other.

Its funny, I have loved him since the day I saw his face, and heard his voice...hell I didn't even know what he was going to college for, I just KNEW he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, and now I am. I wondered how anything else in life could compare to that first moment? But its amazing, that life finds a way to remind you that its precious and amazing, and ever changing, and that love is truly UNLIMITED. I read on a friends blog (sorry I can't remember which one of you BRILLIANT people wrote this) that said love is continuously able to be refilled....and ya know what it's true. Love is truly NEVER ENDING.

While Shayne is gone this time, WE are working hard to get ahead instead of doing EVERYDAY retail therapy (although it was fun) like we did the last time. Deployments SUCK...there is NO OTHER way to say it, but as with ANYTHING in life you have a choice....either make it POSITIVE or be NEGATIVE. I am choosing to be POSITIVE this time.

My husband is my life, and I FINALLY in the deepest part of my heart KNOW I'm his...guess that old adage of "love yourself first and believe in yourself" is true. The moment I made changes in ME and my self-esteem, I could SEE my life....and all the joy in it. So today I just wanted you to know honey that YOU COMPLETE ME....and although right now I HAVE to live with out you, I DON'T WANT to live with out you. You are my hero.

Rock the boat.....

......so tonight I am going to praise one of my husband's GREAT (yet annoying LOL) qualities. He is the type of person that if he "bitches" about something then it needs fixed, he can prove it, and he has the solution. I HATE it, yet love it at the same time. He's the type of guy who if he said "the sky is green" I would look out of amazement not because he said something bizarre....because if he cared enough to tell me then I'd KNOW it was green.

So this leads me to a brief synopsis of this deployment. Let me first say he was "name selected" for this tour...for all you military women you know there is NO getting out of that. Anyway this truly is a big deal. Shayne is amazing he sees something wrong and fixes it...its how he functions. So long story short he's on the island and he sees issues he wants/needs fixed so this time he sent the "info" up the chain of command because this chain wants to know everything. Anyway he ended up on night shift...I think he might have pissed someone off LOL. But here's the deal, it lead me to toss this around before I blogged. I believe that if safety of military personnel is an issue or something is not SOP (standard operating procedure) then it needs addressed whether anyone gets pissed or not. So I told him so, and he was like "I have taught you well young padawan" LOL. And he's right...better to ROCK the BOAT if it will IMPROVE a situation that NEEDS improving, than to sit silently by and watch the shit hit the fan right?

So as a human being (not man or woman...military or non military) I want to know if you have ROCKED the Boat in your life and if you KNEW it was right or did it to just be a "pain in the butt." I can say that I have done it for both reasons...and some were just out of sheer nastiness...I know not the best karma to get but it was NECESSARY for my own sanity occasionally LOL. I BELIEVE that the law is the law, and fair is fair (as fair as can be in life), and that although there are GRAY areas, that right is right and wrong is wrong. Now that's not my "rose colored" glasses here, its life. I think that we SHOULD ALL stand up for what we believe in, and what is right and just and fair in the world...and we BETTER darn well stand up when there are injustices and hate being demonstrated.

Its our job to care for each other....I don't wanna quote Hillary Clinton to much but "it does take a village" but not to just raise a child, to live in peace and fairness for EVERYONE. So do you wanna ROCK the BOAT with me and be part of the VILLAGE or will you be sitting silently by and waiting for the IMPLOSION?

When life hands you lemons....

...do you make Lemonade? I would rather make a Lemon Shake. I mean it's a LOT sweeter, and always leaves you wanting more. So that's how I have decided to approach my life this week. See Sunday is the OFFICIAL "end of week-end~beginning of week" kind of day.

Last week was TOUGH for me (as ya all saw/read) but I am TRYING. I have decided to NOT PIG OUT today (weigh in day at weight watchers) but to stay w/in my points and get in my water. All of you at WW know that "weigh in" day is cheat day. But not for me today....POSITIVE (check). I am working on my crocheting swap EARLY.....POSITIVE (check). There is only one more week of school left for the kids and although FOOTBALL conditioning will continue taking up TONS of time, I'm ready to spend summer with my kids...POSITIVE (check).

Now any one of these could be LEMONS in my life but ya know what, after the worry, lack of control, and fear I felt for my husband last week....I have decided that this week its all about the LEMON SHAKE. I may rot my teeth out...smiling ear to ear, and even PRETENDING during those BAD moments, but I am gonna do it.

Today I realize that very few people out there will ever understand how I felt last week (thank you all my military friends), but thank you to all of you who TRIED....it means so much to me. Several of my "non-military" friends said that I was strong and that what I am handling amazed them. Ya know what I'm tired of saying "oh its nothing you can do it too." They can do it, and would if they HAD too, but right now I am going to (pat on back here) accept it with grace and say "yep I am strong, and I do have amazing strength." Funny how fearing for your husband in the "EVIL FACE" of DANGER can do that to you. I'm ready to face the week and the world if I have too. But this week I'll be making Lemon Shakes...do you care to join me?

I hate this...

I hate feeling this way, I hate pretending its a good day, when its not. I hate that people can't understand (its not their fault they haven't lived it). I hate that this gets minimized and put in little boxes for everyone else. This is my life, and this week its been WILD. I feel like its so turned upside down. It's not really, I mean its just lonely.

Ya know I have said it before and I'll say it again, its not the big stuff you miss (its not even the sex although that sucks too LOL) it's the little things they do when they are home. He would have mowed the yard this week-end for me while the boys and I were busy running. He would keep KD and wait for Seth to get off the bus while I ran the boys back and forth to the HS for conditioning. Now I can take them all, and I can grab Seth an hour early, but OMG do I miss him.

I miss him more when I know that there is "shit" going on down there and I can't help him. I miss him when I know that "they" get better treatment/protection than the military men/women do. I hate that I have NO CONTROL over any of this...not even my emotions this week.

Yep its all part of the job, and yep it will be over soon, and yep, yep, yep....I swear to you it doesn't make it any better. There truly is NOTHING anyone can say to make me feel like this is FIXED. But I will survive and I will work thru this week like I did the last one, and the one before that. He'll be home sooner than later, and realistically I know that, today it just seem so very far away.

I hope that today you all take one second...just one second to look at your significant other and say or even think "thank you" for loving me and for being here, because when they aren't and you can't say it, its really, really hard...and honestly we all forget to be grateful for our lives. So my challenge to you is (thanks Aaron for reminding me with your note) to find the beauty in your lives and your relationships. Hopfeully tomorrow brings me a few more smiles than today, but I will keep on going...its my job.

Sometimes....

....not knowing is better than actually knowing. This AM Shayne called and said "when it hits the news I'm ok." Of course my first response is what happened...and yep all you military wives know the answer to that and so did I as soon as it came out of my mouth, but of course I got the "I'm fine don't worry about me today." Thats code for "can't tell you" and I know that, but it sucks.

Now part of me is like OMG why did you call, but in watching the news 11 hrs later I got a blip of what happened, and was like "oh damn it." So although I worried and wished I hadn't known all day, if he hadn't had 23 seconds to call and say I'm fine, I'd have been devastated and sick with worry.

So sometimes that no news is good news is a good thing. I miss him so much, and today was tough but he's fine, and I'm fine (tired and need a break) but we keep plowing ahead, and hopefully sooner than later I can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" usually the 1/2 way point it gets harder emotionally but the days "look" like the dwindle quicker. So until then I'll just "go with it."