A Few of my FAVORITE things

Broad title for this blog don’t ya think? Well I wanna talk about a couple FAVORITES of mine. My favorite season is FALL. Why? Well in Ohio the leaves were beautiful, the skies were cold but bright when the sun was out. It ALWAYS felt like football season, and chili for dinner. I love the Fall it is truly the most beautiful time of the year…well depending on where you live I guess. I mean Fall on the North Carolina Coast…um not real exciting, I mean all the leaves don’t change, and 90% of the time the SUN is blazing in the sky…but none the less it is COOLER which makes it FALL and a NICE time here.

My favorite weather is GRAY and RAINY. Oh I love those days, they are the ones we all look forward too…I mean wear jammies all day and watch Lifetime Movie Network, or catch up on our NAPPING LOL. I love the rain. Now in Ohio is RAINED all the damn time so you tended NOT to appreciate it as much as when you GET a BREAK from the SUN here in this state LOL.

What else do I love…hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm oh I love Reese’s peanut butter cups, and Blue Raspberry Slushies, and Hot chocolate with whipped cream. I love Chinese food, and rented movies on a Saturday night. I love my husband and my kids, and my sister, and my friends. I love to shop, and to talk on the phone. I LOVE football (even if it sucks this year). I love Christmas morning…even though it doesn’t last nearly LONG enough for all the time, work, and money you put into it. I love the first snowfall that is wet enough to make snowballs to throw at my kids.

I mean there are so many things in my life that I love, and enjoy. But with out my husband here to do them with it just seems so empty. I mean shopping feels like a TASK…a CHORE….a JOB in my life right now. I can’t wait to see him and have him bitch I’m spending too much money this pay…which we all know he will LOL…. But I don’t care. I can’t wait to watch all the MISERABLY LONG Sunday morning news shows with him. I didn’t realize the little things that I miss so very much with him gone. Some days its hard to REMEMBER to LOOK BEYOND the pain of being LONELY to enjoy the things you LOVE.

Girls Night out

So since hubby left I have never really taken anytime to just sit and chat and laugh with my girlfriends. Well yesterday my friend Amber and I got on our own little MISSION. We needed to get several things done to our friend Holly’s car to get her on the road. There is a long story behind why we needed to help Holly out but way to much info to discuss on here this AM maybe another day. Anyway I watched Amber's daughter while she did all the running which just ROCKED. I mean anytime I can sit here on my butt and yell from the chair to “STOP doing that” is excellent LOL. So we got the van up and running and road ready (with the help of her oldest son as we aren’t great TIRE CHANGERS LOL). Then we decided that we needed to throw a little party for our friend Holly to celebrate her new job and how well she is doing.

So we had Holly’s son, and his family and Ambers family and the babies and I (my teenagers were sitting at home with take out from Ambers LOL no need for them to interact I guess LOL) all with our own little throw together picnic for dinner (yeah the mess was at Ambers house LOL). Anyway we all ate, and I took the kids home, and Holly’s son left, and then Ambers husband left so what did the girls do? Oh yes, we got together for a GRIPE and LAUGH session. I can tell you I laughed my ass off for 30 minutes with NO KIDS around. OMG are you all jealous now LOL? I miss the hubby, and feel bad having any fun without him but it was a nice break from reality tonight.

So the morale of my rather short blog tonight is to remind us MOMS of couple things: One that Laughter is the BEST medicine for any depressing feelings. And two we all need a couple minutes alone or without kids to REST, REFRESH, and RENERGIZE our hearts and souls.

3 Wishes

Ok so if you were cleaning out the attic and found a bottle that you rubbed and out popped a genie willing to grant you 3 wishes what would they be. Now remember that you only ever can have these 3 wishes. So think hard….what would you wish for?

My first gut instinct would be to have my deployed husband back home with me ASAP. But if he is home now then I didn’t accomplish my goals that I set for ME during his deployment. Hhhhhhhmmm that sounds odd coming out of my mouth…but the only way I was getting this weight off was to do it while he was gone…I mean I made up my mind I was gonna be skinny (well skinnier LOL), blonde and in pink camo shorts when I picked him up at the airport…and damn it I’m doing it this time. Also wishing him home today wouldn’t accomplish his MISSION…and we all know how important the MISSION is, even if we don’t want them too…its what they were made for, we have to let them do it. So nope my first wish wouldn’t be for him to be home today…although my heart does say different.

Ok, so now what wish? I guess if I had to chose a wish it would be for my kids. I wouldn’t wish for their life to be easy. No I want them to earn EVERYTHING its what I believe makes them better people. I want them to be happy but not without pain. I know that’s crazy but ya know what, it’s the pain that makes us stronger individuals in our lives. So what would I wish for my children? I guess that they live the lives they want to live maybe hitting the lottery once or twice too, so they can help out dear, old, mom LOL.

Well that’s one wish out of the way…I think maybe I’d wish for my family and friends lives to be a bit easier, and wealthier too. I mean hell if they could pay their houses, cars, and college loans off then they could all help me too LOL. See the trend here…if everyone else has the “GOLD” then I am set LOL.

I can tell you my final wish would be for all our military men and women to be home…NOT TODAY like I’d love to say, but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I need to be able to go to bed and know that this war (whether I agreed at the beginning or not doesn‘t matter right now) I need to know that this war accomplishes SOMETHING. I want someone to get the Democracy that they so need, I want the “BAD GUYS” all caught, sent to trial, and punished according to the law.

So my wishes ultimately would be for happiness and wealth for my family and friends, and World Peace. Good thing I am not a Miss America candidate as the whole World Peace thing is a bit cheesy but truly what I want. I want them all home safe and sound with their wives (or husbands), and their children. I want to go bed at night knowing that the MISSION was accomplished, and that NO ONE died in vain. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have made these particular wishes 4 years ago, but tonight as I sit here with my husband so very far away, I know that these are the RIGHT wishes to make, and even though he wants to be here with us that he has to stay awhile longer. So gang look for those magic bottles and remember to be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Letters

So I write hubby everyday that he’s gone…ya know therapy for ME…LOL. And the other day when we talked, he actually told me he ISN’T reading my letters. Now what the hell is that? I mean come on now, I am so NOT a sappy woman. I mean he can’t even imagine that they are FULL of tears does he? Hhhhhhmmmmmm, so after I get done pouting, I say “Why aren’t you reading my letters?” He actually says to me “Ya know how I hate LOTS of WORDS” (maybe he’s looking for See Jane Cry instead of what I’m writing LOL). Again I will say what the hell does that mean? The man has two Masters degrees, I mean I know that he KNOWS how to read. And never mind that he’s thousands of miles away from me…you’d think he’d want to know how I was FEELING right? Gosh what a dork LOL.

So I revamp my letter writing…yeah I just got mad and DIDN’T send any for a week LOL. That sure didn’t fix the problem…I am still mad. So what angers me the most about the LETTER thing is this, I am not one of those “DIRTY” letter writing, or “DIRTY” word saying (no I don’t mean SWEARING…I have a mouth like a SAILOR LOL)…I mean D-I-R-T-Y word type of woman. So I attempt to write a COUPLE GOOD ones that he said he wanted me to SEND, so I did. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up gang…I used words I don’t like to even say out loud LOL (heck my kid calls it a pee pee..get the idea now LOL). So now that I have overcome my FEAR of writing the “DIRTY” words, I gotta ask myself what the point was in that lesson. I mean if he’s NOT even reading them…I could have done without the lessons LOL.

Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm so how do I deal with this…I mean do I keep sending the letters? Do I just forget it? I mean it was my THERAPY now wasn’t it. I guess if he doesn’t want too or CAN’T read them (oh wait maybe they are too hard for him to read…I mean maybe he MISSES me MORE if he reads them…oh good angle, lets go with that one LOL). I guess if the point was THERAPY for me, then I should keep writing them…and maybe he’ll eventually start reading them. Thanks for letting me vent a bit…too bad I didn’t type enough to FIND the answer LOL. Keep sending your letters everyone they really do NEED to read them even if they DON’T want too all the time. Have a great week-end.

Eating at the table

Ok so we all grew up with DINNER and real utensils on the dinner table. And everyone around it yelling at once, and most of the time we’d manage to quiet down to say our prayers before dinner. Well that’s the image we all grew up with as kids and what we thought it would always be right? Then we became teenagers and got so busy in school and activates and dating, that dinner was usually waiting in the microwave for us when we got home…but mom or dad still sat down with us right? Well I’m here to tell you I am a lousy mom. I mean I cook SOMETHING for them every night….well I mean there’s something here for them every night even if its microwave SOMETHING they throw in themselves. OMG I suck. My mom was the queen of taking 3 ingredients and making a casserole for dinner and 95% of the time they were good. Holy crap I don’t dirty pans if I can help it. Oh my I stink…my mom would crap herself if she TRULY knew what I‘d become.

So you’re all asking where this “DOSE OF REALITY” came from for me today aren’t you? Well my babies (KD and Seth) asked me to get them French fries from McDonalds today for lunch and I thought hhhhmmmmm well its just the 3 of us, and payday is tomorrow, everyone has diapers, and milk and waffles for breakfast, so ok, lets go. Well I undercut them by going to Bojangles (it was so much closer for me LOL). And we came home with our food in tow to eat. Well I started to set them up at the coffee table and turn on Nick and they are like “NO we want to eat at THAT table.” OMG the kitchen table? What for…we NEVER eat there…well I don’t anyway LOL. So being the mom that I am I said ok, and set them up. They looked at me with those cute little puppy dog eyes and I realized OMG they expect me to sit here too. Wait we only do this for HOLIDAYS LOL. So I do what all moms with those looks do…I sat…NOT happily, but I sat none the less.

We had the best meal of my entire life. I laughed, and they talked to me and to each other, and the most amazing thing happened….NO ONE spilled ANYHING for me to clean up. When they were done eating, they said ok lets go take nap. Holy crap does this “Family Togetherness” thing ROCK. I think I may MAKE dinner tonight and sit at the table with everyone. I will keep ya all updated. But personally if you aren’t a TABLE DWELLER at mealtime…become one, it was worth it to see those FAMILY VALUES we were all raised with in ACTION today. Have a great dinner everyone.

So today is Tuesday

We all know that Football game day is HARD on us. I miss him more than any other day on Tuesday. I miss his voice, I miss smile, I miss his lazy butt waiting till the last minute to rush out the door…and still make it on time.

I talked to a friend (Twila) of mine today, and she said I sounded Positive on my blog. I guess that’s good…I mean it is kinda what I was going for. I can tell you that today I am so NOT positive. I haven’t had a good conversation with him (really since he left…but for what we COULD term as good right now) since last week. I know that every day I get to bed with out a car pulling up to tell me something has happened to him is a good day. But NOT hearing from him is MISERABLE. I can’t breathe when I don’t hear his voice. This is so hard to try and plug through every single day without him. I can tell you that the next time I wish him away will be the day I know our life is NORMAL again. I would give ANYTHING to have him here today.

You know what I find the hardest about this whole thing? Well there are several but at the moment its people who have NO IDEA what you are going through and don’t know how you feel (it makes depressed days hard). People who have gone through deployments before and say they understand but secretly are Thanking God its not them again, and really are too busy to understand (I know I was this way once with a friend). And finally those people who I know have it worse than I do, and I‘m complaining (makes me feel guilty that I am upset ya know). My heart is broken today, and I am so lost. But here’s the downside to ME…I don’t want to call my friends and family and cry all the time or someone will tell me I’m depressed and need meds. I am NOT that depressed. Don’t get me wrong I am depressed but thats NORMAL right? I mean the pressure is almost unbearable some days. I don’t want to pay the bills anymore, and I don’t want to do EVERYTHING…but such is life. I mean it could always be worse couldn’t it? God is that a scary thought...worse than how I feel today? OMGosh.

I guess what scares me the most when I feel this SAD is how many tears am I allowed to cry before I am NOT normal. I mean can I cry every Tuesday till football season ends or not? Who sets that “LEVEL” for us, I mean I don’t want to be depressed but I want to know its ok to cry as often as I need too. Gosh this is so hard. The Navy should issue us manuals so we KNOW what to do, and what to FEEL. I mean hell they issue our husbands everything else now don’t they LOL. I know when I post this blog all my friends will immediately say “Oh she’s having a MELT DOWN.” But I’m not, honest just a bad day. By the time the football game is over I will be 1 day closer to the end of the season, and 1 day closer to him coming home. So don’t fret gang, I am really ok, I am just SAD today.

Can you hide?

So sometimes no matter how hard you try to work through something or avoid something, it jumps up and smacks you right square in the face. Today I worked like a dog, moving beds, and picking up and whatever really needed done here. And at the end of the day I realized I didn’t accomplish a whole lot. Then I started thinking that I miss my husband. I mean not all the big stuff, but the little things. Like for example tomorrow night my oldest has a football game, and Mack has a “STRINGS” meeting at the same time. I can’t be both places at once so I end up screwing one of the kids. I mean not that there’s really a choice I have to be at the football game because I drive 3 or 4 of the kids regularly so they are all in need of a ride….but in doing that I can’t get to the meeting. I don’t know how single mothers do this. I need a break, I need him here.

I don’t mind that he goes off to fight for what he believes in, actually I am immensely proud of him for doing it, but I need help. I think the military should issue us nanny’s to pick up the slack. I can get over the lack of sex and even adult communication, but OMG do I want a break…I want to pee by myself or just shave my legs without having to stay up till midnight to be able to do it. There are only about 6 months to go, I know somewhere I will find the strength to do this, but I’m tired of being the taxi, and the person who runs for milk to the gas station because I forgot to pick it up during the day, and now we’re almost out. I am tired of doing all the cooking and all the cleaning, and all the baths, and I‘m tired of being the one they are mad at all the time. I want someone else to do it….I want him here to help me do it, I want them to be mad at him once in awhile.

Ok so now that the rant is out of the way, I can tell you that a good cry was in order. So about 100 tears later and a big broken heart (nope he didn’t call tonight so I had to explain that to the kids too), I am ready to start over tomorrow. I can tell you that as soon as he comes home I am NOT going to the damn gas station for milk, nor am I driving to EITHER school again until NEXT fall…LOL. Well at least that’s the plan tonight. So I guess the lesson of this blog is you just can’t run and hide no matter how hard you try….sometimes you just have to cry, and realize tomorrow will have to be better. Night gang.