Happy Birthday to me

First let me say for all of you following my depression saga, the meds are kicking in. I actually didn’t cry at all yesterday and told hubby he could quit calling every night for 4 minutes to check on me….that I am fine. I am starting to find myself. I didn’t know I was truly as strong as I am. I just have to stay focused. Now on to my amazing birthday presents. OMG my husband rocks. Now this is the 1st official holiday we’ve been apart and the first birthday in 15 years we haven’t celebrated together. But I’m ok. I gave the kids a mental health day from school to stay home and play with me today. Makes the house a bit less empty feeling today.

Last night Shayne called and told me to open my presents he knew it was early but didn’t want me to wait till tonight to open them. So I opened the boxes. In the big one, was a navy jacket, a set of Rustic Elements candlesticks. And in the smaller one was a message in a bottle timeless message. OMG it was so romantic. Below is the message that was inside.

My dearest Stephanie,

Some days seem so filled and so busy
We seem to need more hours in the day
To get it all done

People who mean the most to us
Don’t get a phone call, a card or a visit
That would mean so very much
They aren’t told how very precious they are to us
And they aren't aware
Of just how often they are in our daily thoughts

I don’t want another day to pass
Without telling you how very much I appreciate you
And all that you do
And that I admire and respect you in so many ways.
I never want you to think that I take you for granted.

I love you each day,
Even when I don’t take the time to tell you

Love always
Shayne

So I am surviving the day, I do miss him horribly but I figure that I will be ok. My kids are great we are gonna have a nice day here, and then go trick or treating this evening …then talk to daddy at 8pm. I am stronger than I think I am and this is just a test I know it. So I am gonna keep writing here, keep focused on my weight loss and exercise program, and I am gonna miss him like mad. But I do trust him and believe in him, so that makes it a bit better. Happy Halloween everyone.

Depression

Well it’s a big, nasty word with tons of reasons. I can honestly say that the time apart is killing me. I am so used to Shayne being here, and it being us…even if I feel like I do all the work LOL. Right now I’d sell my soul to have him here. Yeah that’s a big statement, but I am so completely lost without him. So after 8 weeks, I figure out that I can’t continue crying and being as short fused as I have been ya know. So last week I headed into my doctor who I will tell you is great. It helps he knows my husband because he has no problem calming my fears too. So although I felt very weak have to ask for medication, I did it anyway.

So here I am 5 days into taking these meds, and today I can honestly say I think they might be working. I mean the sheer panic and fear isn’t gone but I have been up for hours now and no tears yet. That in itself would be worth it. I want to feel better, sooner than later I hope. I am following the rules on the meds as they say. At the moment I am still feeling a bit fuzzy and exhausted but I understand that feeling should go away eventually…we’ll see.

What I want to know is how is it possible that a normally strong woman crashes so damn fast. I mean I was so sure that I could do this, that I was never gonna be depressed, or angry. But OMGosh I am so mad, and not at anyone in particular, just damn angry. I want my husband home, I want him here to help me, to calm my fears, to take care of stuff here. I am tired of this being my job, and my job alone. Ok ranting over, I know its my job and will be ONLY my job till he comes home.

Tonight what I want is him safe, and missing me as much as I miss him. I want us to come out of this closer than we were, and a lot more appreciative of each other and the kids. If that happens, then the misery and pain will so be worth it. So as I close tonight, I am wishing on that star outside my window and saying a prayer for my husband, and all those deployed men and women, as well as those of us left alone at home without them.

Communication

OMGosh so the last blog was a bit sad/mean spirited whatever..but I'm over it. LOL Shayne and I talked and he said it wrong, and I misunderstood...doesn't matter see how we were both wrong LOL. Anyway if you didn't know before now that he was the LOVE of my life, my SOULMATE, you will after you see the comments he made to me last night.

He told me he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn't imagine ever living without me, that I was so beautiful. He told me it hurt so much to be away from the kids and I, and that he was counting the seconds till he could see us again...and he is...at this moment 12,197,036 seconds from seeing each other back in our own home.

So the factor into the equation comment was taken care of, and as far as the 23 yr old issue well she had asked the guys "didn't ya ever just have a bed buddy (she was more vulgar)" and my husband...who I will again say ROCKS...said, "only once, and I married her." My husband is the kindest, most honest, most amazing man on the planet.

He is refocused, and NOT losing his mind today. I am calmer, and not crying, I am more sure of US now than I have ever been. If nothing comes out of this whole damn deployment but him saying he loved me, and that I am beautiful, then it was worth it for me personally.

He is the reason I breathe everyday, he is truly my best friend, and he "completes me" (thanks Tom Cruise for the excellent line). Thank you honey for being my OFFICER and GENTLEMAN.

Misunderstood

That’s how I feel, that’s what I am, apparently that’s what I’ve done…I mean it would have to be. Hubby called on Monday to let me know how he worked through his MELT DOWN. Now let me say I am very happy he did, except his THERAPY sent me on a melt down of my own. Haven’t slept well in two days now, and don’t know when he’s calling me again. And I really don’t want to address it as it sounds accusatory when I do, but if I DON’T say something I am gonna make myself NUTS trying to NOT make more out of this than it is.

So I can’t/won’t post what he said, because I can’t bear to read them all here . But one thing he did say was that due to security reasons he can’t talk about his family there. So we don’t factor into the equation. Well factors, equations? Wait this is a marriage, a family I mean when did we become an equation with factors that can’t be considered? I mean OMG did I really hear him say that. Then to top it off he told me that it was heart wrenching to hear some mothers talk to their kids at home because they are away from them. Ok, well I’m sure it is but here’s a couple heart wrenching things for ya to think about honey. How about me, I mean when they hang up, although they are dying inside, they go back to work. Me, no I don’t get to go back to work, I have to listen to each one of these kids cry every single day. I have to try and explain to KD why I can’t go get your plan and bring you back. I have to hear Seth cry at nap time and at night that all he wants is his family back and where is daddy. And Mack, OMGosh were do I start with him, he struggles everyday counting the days till he can talk to you. And Osten, well honey he thinks I don’t hear him sniffling about you, or notice that his eyes well up sometimes when he talks about you. No honey what I’m living is heart wrenching.

I can’t sleep right, or eat well, or at all some days. Then to hear how you are BONDING and have someone to TELL you what to do because you are used to your wife “TELLING YOU” what is that? I mean I don’t TELL you anything, I thought we talked? I mean after 14 ½ years I was sure we TALKED.

But whatever I guess the point in the blog was to (if you can read it since apparently you don’t read my letters) explain that I know I am doing so many things WRONG, I know am doing the BEST I can, and that even though NO ONE realizes how hard this is, and that there is ALWAYS someone with it worse than I have it, that my life sucks right now. I would sell everything to have you home, and safe, and laying your butt on my couch with friggen Bubba burger grease all over my counter. I love you, and I know that you miss me and love me too, but COMMUNICATION is necessary here, you need to tell me, and you need to talk to me, I can’t do this w/o you. And the past few days have been worse than the last two months, so something’s gotta give here, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I am POSTING this to you. Its not too mushy…you won’t miss me after this post LOL. But hopefully you will realize that the life you think you left isn’t here, its some screwed up mess waiting on you to return and help us all work this out. We’re lonely and sad,, and not able to breath many days without you but we are trying. Be safe and know you are loved.

Can’t fix it all

Ya know as a mother you want your kids to be happy and never have hurt feelings, and the first time some crappy kid is mean to them, you wanna kick their scrawny ass, then you wanna hunt their mother down and kick hers. However you take a deep breath and remember you can’t, and that unfortunately no matter how hard it is you have to find a way to help them work through their hurt feelings.

So where is all this coming from? Well I have an 11 year old whose a big kid..by big I mean he’s 5ft 2 inches and 190 lbs. He is like the broad side of a barn. I love him so much, he is the kindest child I know. He has grown into his own over the past few years. He reads better than anyone in his class, and is further ahead in Advanced math than my older child is and he’s 3 years older than him LOL. Mackenzie also made the academic derby team this year. I mean he is amazing. Anyway, this week-end he went camping with another Scout family, because its really too cold at night to take my 2 and 3 year old out in a tent overnight. He came home on Sunday and I thought everything was fine, and he had a good time. Took him 2 hours before he anted up that the kid was mean to him. Now mean I can handle…we’ve done mean before…hell I think mine have been mean at one point in time. But when he started crying it broke my heart. And what was worse is I can’t fix it for him.

So in typical FAMILY fashion, we all pulled together and at 6pm tonight we will all be walking with him. He is now on some diet that I know isn’t healthy for him, and he’s exercising. All of which will in the long run be good but it angers me that some creepy kid hurt him to the point of tears. I wished Shayne had been here to go camping this week-end, it would have helped. But such is life. We’ll figure it out. I guess for me the point of this blog is just this…yet another thing in life we can’t control, all we can do is work with it, and through it. I know he will be ok, and get over it…probably before I will…I tend to hold grudges LOL. But gosh doesn’t it suck that he has too. I mean wasn’t there a time when kids were nicer to each other…or did we just not know to be that mean to someone? Oh well maybe it is the media and all the sex and violence on television that makes these kids meaner, or maybe we were that mean too all those years ago. I don’t know but I know as a mom this sucks, and I’m angry at myself for not being able to fix this. But again such is life, and as with anything it will work itself out.

Fear of the Unknown

So the other night when hubby called he sounded a bit sad/depressed/ lonely/ frustrated…not sure which but he sounded all of it. So I spent the day worrying, and wondering what to say if and when he called. I mean for the kids and I we have settled into the “Auto-pilot” mode and are functioning here. I mean we have the occasional melt down but life has for better and worse gone on. I knew when he left that it would take about a month or so before it set in that he was ALONE and away from us. Now don’t get me wrong he loves us and we all have fun together but who doesn’t want a break once in awhile…come on now fess up we ALL do. So the 1st month wasn’t so bad, he was busy with tons of new stuff to do, and a new place to be, and the QUIET…OMG how I long for the quiet LOL.

So I decided to face it head on (Shayne’s NOT so favorite commercial LOL). Anyway I just out right ask him what he was afraid of, I mean is he afraid he’s changed…he said “no way that he hasn’t.” I said are you afraid that we’ve changed? His response was “well life has gone on for you guys like normal?“ I mean has it? I don’t think so, and he I don’t think realizes how MUCH we’ve changed as a family. I mean we used to get out 6 of everything for dinner and now 5 is what we set the table for (that’s NORMAL for us now). I mean the ultimate sign for that we have HAD to move on is that we have conviently lost all the spoons but 5..what the hell is that, I mean where do they go all the time? Oh I know my husband would blame his sister LOL as that’s what he did when we lived in Ohio, and his parents silverware went missing…he’d tell his dad “Paula must have thrown them away” dirty I know but we do all laugh about it now LOL. So anyway my point with the silverware was that I didn’t immediately go buy new….I mean why would I we have 5 spoons we can all eat still at the same time. But in all actuality we can’t all eat at once as we aren’t all here.

So how do I help him with out MELTING down myself. I mean I don’t cry tons or often as I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never quit. I am horribly lonely, but I do have friends I just need to utilize them better. I guess for me I just FUNCTION and I’m afraid that’s what he’s doing right now. But just functioning and not WITH it all the time puts him in a different place, and possibly at danger. I worry that the loneliness will get overwhelming and he’ll NOT force himself to work through it, I worry he‘ll avoid it and we all know that’s not good. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that as wives (military or not) we have to figure out away to help these men realize its all ok, and its ok to TALK to us about their fears, and worries. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I can guarantee you we as WOMEN, WIVES and MOTHERS will for sure find the answer somewhere.

Definition of a Sailor

The following poem is one my husband emailed me last night…and parts of it are very true. He is the love of my life no matter where he is or what he does. Enjoy….and thanks honey.



Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a fascinating mass of humanity called sailors. They can be found anywhere: on ships, in bars, on leave, or in love and always in debt.

Girls love them, civilians tolerate them and the government supports them, or so they claim. A sailor is laziness with a deck of cards, bravery with a tattooed arm, and the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brain of a genius, the sincerity of a liar, and the aspiration of a Casanova.

When he wants something, it is usually indecent and immoral, or against Navy regulations. His favorite pastimes are girls, females, broads, dames and members of the opposite sex.

He dislikes Navy chow, answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, and getting up in the morning. No other human being can cram into his shirt pocket; a comb, a little black book, a pack of gum, a church key, a pack of cigarettes, his girl's picture and what's left of last month's pay.
He likes to spend some of money on girls, some on poker, most of it on booze, and what's left on foolishness.

A sailor is a magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can scratch him off your mailing list, but not out of your mind. So you might as well give up. He is your Far-away from home
lover, your one and only, good for nothing, liberty minded, bundle of wrongdoing. But your shattered dreams become insignificant when your sailor comes home and looks at you with those BIG BLOOD SHOT EYES AND SAYS HI SWEETHEART.