Roller coaster ride

So ya know I am a mom, and a wife, and NUTS obviously. I mean my life is one giant roller coaster. How the hell can I be up and down in the same day? Jesus, I'm not manic depressive or bipolar, no I am just a mom and wife. You'd think after 15 years I'd have the hang of the ups and downs...but NOPE not me, I just gotta learn something new every damn day.

I spent last week with Shayne and 99% of it was excellent but the other minute 1% sucked. He messed up my schedule, was selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate, and certainly inappropriate based on the norms of society. Now on any given day I can forgive that but right now I am just plain pissy. I want him to be fair...Oh my gosh did I say FAIR...when I know NOTHING in life is fair. Holy crap I am nuts.

Ya know in 37 years I can't say there was an instant that I felt strong, and secure in my actions and decisions. So when Shayne deployed all I prayed for (aside from his safety, love, and strength) was to make him, and my kids proud. I feel as though I have fallen short of that. I mean I have done things I would have NEVER done if he hadn't ever left...but somehow it seems minor in comparison to what he's done.

The change in BOTH of us is scary. We are both more independent that we were, not that we weren't independent, but I mean we are more independent of each other. Doesn't bode to well for a happy marriage now does it? I thank God everyday for him and for the strength he has given me, but today I am just plain pissy. I want to start being happy, and proud of myself, but can't seem to find the "THING" to do to make me happy and proud of me. I mean I know I'm a good person, and he swears a good wife and mother, but I'm sure not feeling that way.

What do I need him to say to me to help me? How do I explain this to him so he understands? Will we be able to get beyond the changes in us as individuals and as parents and as a couple when he gets back from the hell this war and the Navy has thrown him into? I guess only time will tell. Till that moment I will continue to pray for the strength to get beyond the uncertainties in my life.

Nope I am not MIA

I actually spent the past week with my darling husband Shayne. He got 96 hours off that darn base, and I drove 13 hours to see him (yeah with 4 kids LOL) but it was worth it. Below you will find some of my great shots of the few days with him.....ONLY 62 more to go then this should be over. Enjoy my pictures.


Three of my boys


My family at the Zoo


Flying a kite...see they NEVER really grow up


KD getting a ride

Where have I been?

Ya know I started blogging because it made me feel better, and it does. Then I got caught up in shopping and wrapping and all the other crap that you get caught up in at the holidays, and just didn't get on to blog. See even excuses here now huh LOL.

Anyway tonight I was sitting here, waiting again...such is my life at the moment for a phone call I don't think is coming tonight. I know when he doesn't call its for some stupid reason and you would think after 3.5 months of this that I'd quit getting mad, upset, scared wouldn't you? Well I haven't, and I don't foresee it changing.

I love my husband, and I get to see him next week for a 96 hour leave. 96 hours...its not very much time when I have to share him with the kids and traveling back and forth, but I'd take 3 hours at this point. I miss him so much, and although I am truly anxious to see him, I am a bit scared too. I mean I am only 22 lbs less than when he left and on a big girl that's not even noticeable ya know. I wanted to floor him when he got home and be skinny...not exactly something I've been in the past 14 years. What if he gets off the plane and doesn't like what he sees AGAIN....I mean separation allows your mind to envision what it wants, and not what is. Hhhhhhhhmmmmm I wonder if I'll have the same problems with how I see him?

Oh well time will only tell. I haven't been blogging but I have tried to get on and write in the book I am working on since he left. I officially am over the 150 page mark. Boy who know I had so much to say about one topic LOL. Anyway I will get back into blogging again regularly, it can only help...but for now I am heading to bed to wait for that elusive phone call tonight.

3 Months In

OMG we are 90 days in…the ½ way point. Who knew I could actually raise 4 kids w/o my partner and soul mate to help me. I have managed to pay the bills on time, get them all taken care of daily, keep the house picked up…well relatively picked up, and spend a couple dollars (well a couple thousand dollars too many LOL). But I have done it. I know today as I sit here and type this, I am a stronger woman, mother, and wife.

Shayne called and the first words out of his mouth were “I want to read my owners manual when I get home.” I’m like what the heck are you talking about. And in true, honest to goodness form of my honorable husband said “whatever you said last night fixed it.” OMG what an absolute genuinely amazing thing to hear. I said something to help my husband get through a bad moment in this deployment. You know for a wife, especially a stay at home mom, our job is to HELP our family, and this deployment has usurped much of that feeling of satisfaction because I couldn't help my husband. However last night I realized the true meaning behind the adage of “words can help or hurt so choose them wisely.” I am two thousand miles away and helped my husband to the point that he said THANK YOU. I mean I helped him with words, only words. OMG I feel like I am on the right track, I am heading back to what I believe is me, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams. I am gonna be ok.

We had our monthly party…I can’t even believe we just ate a 3rd cake in celebration of our strength during this deployment. Holy cow, this family rocks. We are really gonna make it. I miss him more every single moment that we are apart, but the past few days I am refocused. Now as you are reading this please don’t think it all gets better at the ½ way point. I can tell you that the downhill slide isn’t a slide, its still an uphill climb. I have a long, long way to go before I get to hold him here in our house with our kids. But today, I know I’m strong enough to make it.

Birthday Blues

So you are all now scratching your heads thinking didn’t this nut bag just have a birthday? Well yes I did, and thank you for remembering LOL. My blues are because I realized today as my oldest turned 14, yes I am an amazingly beautiful and warm hearted woman for having a teenager….NOT…but none the less I do have one, and OMG where did the ATTITUDE come from? You know the one that is a cross between imposition, guilt, and just sheer crap? Yeah, you all know which one I mean…LOL

Anyway I feel old, I feel sad, and I just feel over all yucky. I mean Shayne has been at every birthday since birth on up for our kids, and this year well he isn’t here, not that he can help it of course but he still isn’t here. I have put on a HAPPY face to make my kids special day a decent one. I mean I can’t fix what he wants too….yep he wants his dad home too LOL…but since I can’t fix that I will just smile lots and laugh even if it kills me.

We did have a good day. We got dinner at Checkers, and had a FANTASTIC chocolate cake. Shayne called before it got too late. And talked to Osten and me (of course LOL) so Osten felt really special. It wasn’t much but enough for them to exchange the common banter they usually exchange. We shared all the extra cake as Saturday is the 90 days in party so we had to ELIMINATE the cake we had left LOL. Then to top it off, my #3 son Seth turns 4 NEXT week-end so that means….yep you got it ANOTHER birthday cake…LOL so we’ll be having a party on Saturday for the girls, and myself to drink, eat, and be merry (well as much as I can be w/o hubby).

Goals

OMG I feel so flippen lost. I mean I have goals…I had big aspirations when Shayne left but lets see how many if not all of them have fallen by the wayside:

1. NOT to be depressed….FAILED….on mediation
2. To diet everyday and lose tons….UM nope only 22 lbs down
3. To exercise everyday (since we pay Curves)…UM nope maybe 3 times a week
4. To NOT spend extra money…shit that so was a STUPID one, I mean how many women DON’T shop
5. To NOT be angry…to grow from this…now I have grown, but I am still angry a good portion of the time.

So I didn’t fail completely, but I haven’t done SWIMMINGLY either. So do I pack it in…..NOPE I am gonna accomplish one if NOT all of these darn things. Well I am NOT depressed now…LOL but thank goodness for HAPPY PILLS. I am on a SUPER DIET till I see him so maybe I’ll lose a few more LOL. Exercise well I had good intentions last week I bought a Pilates tape to do here…um its still in the damn wrapper LOL….so maybe that one sucks but we’ll see. I am trying to be grateful and not ANGRY for my kids sake and for Shayne’s I mean he can’t fix this so guess I need to move THROUGH these feelings and not sit here and dwell on them.

I just want him home. But I guess as he says only time will fix this. So for now I will watch that damn clock and wait…for him, his smile, and any answer I can find.

100 years ago

Well not exactly 100 years but 15. Let me back track here for a second. My dear friend Peggie sent me this email today that was entitled 1906 and all the AMAZING things that are different today than 100 years ago. So of course that got me thinking about the things in my life that are different now than they were 15 years ago….and the things that are different now than 3 months ago (pre deployment)

15 years ago

I was dating someone else and my husband didn’t know my name….he was friends with my sister.

I smoked, and then I didn’t for 14 years (have for 3 months since deployment|)

I weighed 145 lbs, and had long hair…now well I am OVER 145 lbs LOL and well my hair has been shorter than now but its ponytail length now.

I never doubted my husband, and in the past 3 months I have had moments (many I caused myself) to question and fear.

I paid the family bills, I didn’t pay the bills, and now (3 months in) I am paying them AGAIN (which I so HATE).

I didn’t have kids, now I have 4 AMAZINGLY KIND, GENEROUS, and WONDERFUL kids.

I didn’t get along with all my family or my husbands, but now I feel like I BELONG in both places, and that I am part of their family and mine.

I knew NOTHING about the military and albeit loved my country…wasn’t patriotic, and understanding (3 months in) I find strength in other women who HELP me and UNDERSTAND the fears, and uncertainties that I go through.

And finally, 15 years ago I wasn’t married to the man of my dreams…today I can truly call him my soul mate, my best friend, and the love of my life. And I can tell you that with time TRUE love only GROWS.

So my life although has had SEVERAL ups and downs, and many surprises along the way, I wouldn’t change one thing about it…not even this deployment (well I might make it shorter LOL) but it has made me much STRONGER than I knew I was, and I hope it has brought ALL of us closer and more patient and understanding and grateful for each other in the family.