My kids and my strength

Ya know when life seems at its worst and you don't know how to NOT feel bad or be upset I figured out how to MOVE beyond that feeling. Wanna know? Look in the eyes of your children. The are the most INCREDIBLE place to look.

They are beautiful and clear, and full of life. And when I look at my kids before they drop off to sleep I know they are what keeps me going while Shayne is away. I can’t imagine one day of my life with out them. Don’t get me wrong some days I don’t even like them but OMG do I love them.

I found myself tearing up the other night thinking I am a really crappy mom. I mean I have a short temper (not something I’m proud of) and I have a quick tongue. Sometimes I forget to stop before I yell at them. And then I back pedal, which as moms we know isn’t good, it defeats the original purpose of discipline now doesn’t it? I know I can do better with them. I mean they are EXCELLENT kids (loud, and occasionally lazy but EXCEPTIONAL kids). They work so hard at everything, and help more than you can even imagine. Except for driving and bills they do the same stuff around here that I do. They all change diapers, and pick up and take out the trash and bath kids, and even fold laundry and put it away. Heck how can you ask for more than that in any kid.

I want them to be happy, and never hurt. But I know that isn’t possible ALL the time. Like now for instance, while Shayne is gone. Every night I hear Mackenzie say a quick, quiet prayer for Daddy while he’s away to keep him safe, and please don’t let the bad guys hurt him. My son, Seth says Daddy’s not at work, he’s getting me dinosaurs, cause he loves me, and I miss him. Then my daughter, oh she’s the tip of tears some days for me. Every night when I get in bed (Seth and KD are always in my bed LOL They’ve taken over Shayne’s side…just keeping it warm for ya dad), anyway, every night KD kisses daddy’s picture and says I love you to the moon and back daddy. And I smile with a few tears welling up, and then she holds the picture till she’s almost asleep. Ya know the best is that its isn’t the greatest picture of Shayne, we have a lot better but its her favorite (the one form the Naval yard in Washington DC Shayne…she thinks your driving a boat or a plane). My oldest, Osten, well he is like his dad, and quiet and reserved, I’m never quite sure what he’s thinking until football game night, he struggles a lot those nights, as until daddy deployed he may have missed maybe 3 games in 7 years of football for this kid. He is growing up so fast I don’t know what to do with him. Actually they all are but that’s a topic for another day too.

So I guess that what I need to do is focus on the good things in my life. I mean I know my husband is coming home soon (spring is only like 170 days away ), and I want him to be proud of the person I’ve grown into. And I want my kids to remember the FUN they had with mom while dad was away, and how I picked up the pieces and made it all OK. So this is the TURNING point all you women told me about. I am ready to face this hopefully with a few less tears, and a lot more courage than I think I have. I know that my strength comes form those 4 sets of BEAUTIFUL eyes of my children. And tomorrow we’re gonna go to the park and have some laughs.

Romantic love or True Love?

My mother-in-law once told me that very few people were lucky enough to have ROMANTIC and TRUE love in their lives, and I believe that to be true. I mean now don’t get me wrong I have friends that have both, but in all honesty I know that I have TRUE love. Shayne and I aren’t big PDA all touchy, feely type people. But I do know when he looks at me that he loves me. Sometimes I get jealous/envious of those people I know that have all the ROMANCE but today I had a THINKING session

As I headed to a doctors appointment by myself (no kids….it was very quiet), I had time to think. I thought about the past 14 years with my husband. He is an AMAZING man, I truly do love him with my whole heart and soul. I can not imagine my life without him. I guess for me that this deployment forced me to look at us and our life. And my fear isn’t so much the danger that he is in (although I know it is dangerous where he is)….it is how WE are gonna change. I mean I love us, and how we are, but its inevitable that we be different people, that our kids be different people. So will it be better or worse? That’s a big question , and a huge fear. I know that the Navy and deploying to fight for our country was very important to Shayne. It has been as long as I have known him. And there was no question as to whether I would support this WANT/NEED he had to do this, because I LOVE him and would never NOT support him. But some days when I am sitting here alone, I wished he didn’t feel this need. But on the other hand we have had some wonderful changes in our lives since he entered the Navy. Never mind he is HOT in his uniforms LOL.

So as I looked at all our MOMENTS in the past years, I know that he is truly a very ROMANTIC man. I mean I may not get hugged and kissed and hand held everyday, but his ROMANCE means more to me because I don’t have that stuff everyday. By that I mean I can tell you every time the man has said “I love you” to me, and I can tell you every “mushy” card he has ever given me and every time he’s ever given me flowers…which is pretty regular for Shayne…LOL. I think that the most romantic moment he has given me was the day that he deployed (no not that he left LOL) it was our 14th Anniversary and he was flying out for 8 months. He has NEVER missed our anniversary nor has he NOT given me an AWESOME gift, heck one year the man bought me a dishwasher (yep he rocks). Anyway this year as he walked up to the airport door, he said “hey I left your anniversary in the trunk of my car. See ya soon.” So I said “wait honey what if I can’t do this?” He told me “you can, I believe in you.” So I came home and opened the trunk of his car to find this beautiful solid wood wall clock. I brought it in, and cried because I knew it was because I was gonna “watch the time.” So as I pulled myself together and got up and started picking up the house in pulled the florist van with flowers and a card. On the card the man wrote me a poem:

Watch the Clock
Time will go Fast.
I’ll see you,
When I get back.

Love
Shayne


Now girls if that isn’t ROMANTIC and TRUE love I don’t know what is. He is my hero, and the love of my life, and I miss him when he isn’t here with us. But I do know no matter how WE change as individuals, as a couple, and as a family I know we will still be US…strong and truly in love with each other.

Loneliness

Loneliness (adj)
1 : being without company : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

So now that the MORBID definition of this word is out of the way lets discuss "loneliness" when your husband is deployed and you have friends and family. Ya know sometimes in life it doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with you can still be ALONE. I mean take me for example: I have 4 kids, and I have a few friends that live near me in this city, and I have tons of friends and family that are w/in 11 hours of me. In a pinch I could be there by dinnertime any week-end. But without Shayne I am LOST many hours out of everyday. I mean as a Navy wife I know I'm supposed to be tough, and strong, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But today when my 11 yr old was sick enough that I had to go pick him up at school and take him to the doctor, I missed my husband. I have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old I had to relocate so I could deal with Mackenzie. Now if I lived closer to family or my husband was home babysitting (not the right word to use with your own kids I don't think) wouldn't have been an issue now would it?

Anyway, I managed, but the problem I struggle with is one all wives deal with (I think) how to get EVERYTHING done with out hubby around. I mean the majority of husbands work whether they are military or not so we all feel like "single moms" at certain points in our lives. I know that I have a support system but I have to learn to use it. There are women here with me who will watch my kids when I need it, and I do know that. But since I am lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mom, and don't often NEED anyone to baby-sit, I don't always know how to ask for help. That leads into a topic for ANOTHER day...LOL

I truly am not sure how to deal with loneliness though. I mean in a world where we are surrounded by tons of people physically and millions more via the internet how can any one of us be LONELY. But we are lonely, and many days of our lives bleakness or desolation can set in. So what do we do to cope? Hhhhhhmmmmmm I guess we learn to ASK for help and to TALK to anyone and everyone who will listen to us. There are kind people out there even if they DON'T understand what we are going though as military wives whose husbands deploy. But that being said we as military wives need to remember that there are women out there dealing with the same feelings that we are even if their husbands aren't deployed, and they too need our support. So the moral of this blog is LONELINESS no matter what the reason is there for all of us and we need to help out each other just to get though each instant that we as WIVES are lonely.

Candle Wax

Now I know you all are reading this because of the title but it is NOT what you think...Come on gang the husband is deployed so candle wax alone....Nope NO FUN...LOL. Anyway this blog is about my kid who seems to KNOW everything at the age of 2. Obviously a genius right....NOT. Keep reading......

So I find out hubby's deploying and get depressed. And don't buy my typical payday present (to myself) of tons of candles. Which go ALL over my house (its all about the mood for me I think lOL). Anyway, he is two weeks in and its payday so I decide that "FALL SCENTS" would be an excellent thing to BOOST my mood right? Well Cinnamon Apple all over the kitchen (yep they are RED...Know where I'm going YET...Keep reading). So the K.D. and I have a ritual every night that the candles are lit. And that is we BLOW them out together. Cheesy I know but she is 2 she enjoys it...For me heck they get blown out quicker...LOL. So light these beautiful RED candles the 1st night and we start blowing them out a few hours later (at bedtime). I get sidetracked with my 3 year old and in comes K.D. with the candle (still lit) from the kitchen table......Horror sets in but not FAST enough. She trips over the dog, wax is ZOOMING throughout my Living room (oh yeah its a rented house)...Screaming in pain begins. I scoop her up and she is COVERED in wax. Half her head of beautiful blond hair is now matted down to her face and neck in RED wax. It was in her ear and her nose. So I go next door to my neighbors to have her help me start PEELING it off and to figure out how I am gonna save her head of hair...LOL.

45 minutes later and 1/2 a bottle of Suave cream rinse and I finally got almost all of it out of her hair. Skin was still a bit RED stained in places, but she survived. Now what I failed to notice it the carpet. So after another hour of ironing and ruining wash cloths, I got all the wax up but didn't get all the red stain out (so my friend has this STUFF to get anything red based out of carpet....So ya know what I'll be doing soon don't ya...LOL).

Anyway the moral of this story is what? Well I guess that as a mother of 4 I thought I had done it and seen all that 2 yr olds can do, but they NEVER cease to keep doing something NEW and SHOCKING now do they? Also a house with kids should NEVER purchase RED CANDLES or RED JUICE...just a helpful hint for everyone.

"Oh he's Deployed?"

Oh how often I have heard that phrase with the "attitude" to go with it. Ya know people forget what these men and women give up to "FIGHT FOR THEIR FREEDOMS" now don't they? I mean when my BIL got deployed for a 2nd time to Iraq he used to tell my SIL that it was ok people complained about the war his fighting gave them that right.

Well I never really gave that conversation a second thought UNTIL it directly effected me. My husband joined the Navy and works hard every single day. And to actually hear people complain or minimize the war, angers me. At this point in time, whether they agree with the war of not is moot point isn't it? I mean my goodness we've been there a LONG time already. So whether we should have gone or not is not worthy of a discussion. BUT what upsets me the most is that the men and women are still there and left alone, and instead of these people YELLING about it they NEED to support these BRAVE men and women and the families they have left behind. I did manage to apologize to my SIL for not being more supportive during that earlier conversation.

Now I have friends and family who say things like "I'd be glad my husband was gone for 8 months" or "Be glad he's not going to Iraq for a year" or my all time favorite is the "It will be ok, you are strong you can do this because you have too." Now many days over the past 14 years I would have LOVED for him to be gone, but EVERYONE wants what they don't have. Now he's gone and my heart is broken everyday. The Iraq one....Well all I can say about that is my husband is gone to another country, for 8 months w/o the kids or I and to me its not about WHERE he is but its where he isn't that's hard. Ya know deployment to ANYWHERE is scary and needs to NOT be minimized. And finally, I know I can do this, and I will....But once in awhile it would be nice if someone understood that this is miserably hard many hours though out every day. I would love to NOT have to pay the bills, or change every diaper, or do well EVERYTHING, but I have too, its the life we are married too. BUT that doesn't make it any EASIER for us or for him.

I am so proud of my husband for the job he is doing, and I'm angry at the same time. I mean who volunteers to leave his family and go fight for EVERYONE else's freedoms. I want that to NOT be his job, but even as I type those words I know that would make him someone who he isn't. And how could I NOT support his love for this country and his need to do this for not only us but everyone else? I mean I couldn't imagine NOT supporting him. He is truly an amazing man and I am so proud of him. So as you read this, remember that even if you don't agree with the WAR, know that MANY of us have given up so much to fight for FREEDOM, and everyday when you say a prayer you NEED to offer one up for the BRAVE men and women AND their families they left behind.

Sundays

Did you ever wonder "what you were gonna do on Sunday?" I mean except for Church and football games what is it we DO on Sundays? Funny how those questions come to mind when your "football watching...Bubba Burger eating husband" deploys now isn't it?

So here I sit wondering what to do with myself. I mean I don't really wanna watch football...SORRY SHAYNE. I am so NOT cleaning with 4 kids home in the house today, and well payday is next week so SHOPPING THERAPY is out of the question. So what should I do with myself?

I think that there should be a SUNDAY activity on all military bases and in every town throughout the world. Then I wouldn't be doing the I'm sad, I'm lonely thing that I am doing today now would I? I think that will be my mission today to FIND something fun to do....hhhhhhmmmm guess I will be heading to the phone book to see all that we have to OFFER here in this town.

Ya know that husband of mine was in a boat yesterday while his buddy's went scuba diving, and they caught lobsters to eat. I had lettace...OMG a diet while hubby is deployed what the heck was I thinking? Oh yeah to blow his mind when he got off the plane in 8 months. Boy do I wish I was eating REESES CUPS instead...LOL. Well I ended up spending my Sunday counting down to a Weight Watcher meeting...ya are jealous now I know. Officially I lost 15.6 lbs last week and a total of 20.6 since hubby deployed. Think he'll be SHOCKED to see me SKINNIER? Only time will tell I guess. Ok I am off here till later on.

September 2006

I have the most AMAZING husband in the entire world. I mean not only is he HANDSOME and SMART, but he's an officer in the United States Navy....How can you get better than that in ANY man.



So he's been in for 3 years (started out in the RESERVES to make sure he wanted to ACCELERATE his life LOL), and now he is active duty and recently deployed. RECENTLY...Well that's an understatement he left 2 1/2 weeks ago. This is his first deployment and I am here thousands of miles away from him with 4 kids (yeah FOUR...LOL) and a dog (who hates me and has fleas that he's allergic too), so I have to bath him weekly and have him shaved every couple months....Nice huh? Ya all are jealous now aren't you...LOL.

I created this blog because Chaos Mommy showed me how. And if you want some great reading check out her site :) its wonderful.

Ok, well its almost bedtime...THANK GOODNESS. I will add more as this deployment goes on....May be all that keeps me SANE :)