3 Months In

OMG we are 90 days in…the ½ way point. Who knew I could actually raise 4 kids w/o my partner and soul mate to help me. I have managed to pay the bills on time, get them all taken care of daily, keep the house picked up…well relatively picked up, and spend a couple dollars (well a couple thousand dollars too many LOL). But I have done it. I know today as I sit here and type this, I am a stronger woman, mother, and wife.

Shayne called and the first words out of his mouth were “I want to read my owners manual when I get home.” I’m like what the heck are you talking about. And in true, honest to goodness form of my honorable husband said “whatever you said last night fixed it.” OMG what an absolute genuinely amazing thing to hear. I said something to help my husband get through a bad moment in this deployment. You know for a wife, especially a stay at home mom, our job is to HELP our family, and this deployment has usurped much of that feeling of satisfaction because I couldn't help my husband. However last night I realized the true meaning behind the adage of “words can help or hurt so choose them wisely.” I am two thousand miles away and helped my husband to the point that he said THANK YOU. I mean I helped him with words, only words. OMG I feel like I am on the right track, I am heading back to what I believe is me, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams. I am gonna be ok.

We had our monthly party…I can’t even believe we just ate a 3rd cake in celebration of our strength during this deployment. Holy cow, this family rocks. We are really gonna make it. I miss him more every single moment that we are apart, but the past few days I am refocused. Now as you are reading this please don’t think it all gets better at the ½ way point. I can tell you that the downhill slide isn’t a slide, its still an uphill climb. I have a long, long way to go before I get to hold him here in our house with our kids. But today, I know I’m strong enough to make it.

Birthday Blues

So you are all now scratching your heads thinking didn’t this nut bag just have a birthday? Well yes I did, and thank you for remembering LOL. My blues are because I realized today as my oldest turned 14, yes I am an amazingly beautiful and warm hearted woman for having a teenager….NOT…but none the less I do have one, and OMG where did the ATTITUDE come from? You know the one that is a cross between imposition, guilt, and just sheer crap? Yeah, you all know which one I mean…LOL

Anyway I feel old, I feel sad, and I just feel over all yucky. I mean Shayne has been at every birthday since birth on up for our kids, and this year well he isn’t here, not that he can help it of course but he still isn’t here. I have put on a HAPPY face to make my kids special day a decent one. I mean I can’t fix what he wants too….yep he wants his dad home too LOL…but since I can’t fix that I will just smile lots and laugh even if it kills me.

We did have a good day. We got dinner at Checkers, and had a FANTASTIC chocolate cake. Shayne called before it got too late. And talked to Osten and me (of course LOL) so Osten felt really special. It wasn’t much but enough for them to exchange the common banter they usually exchange. We shared all the extra cake as Saturday is the 90 days in party so we had to ELIMINATE the cake we had left LOL. Then to top it off, my #3 son Seth turns 4 NEXT week-end so that means….yep you got it ANOTHER birthday cake…LOL so we’ll be having a party on Saturday for the girls, and myself to drink, eat, and be merry (well as much as I can be w/o hubby).

Goals

OMG I feel so flippen lost. I mean I have goals…I had big aspirations when Shayne left but lets see how many if not all of them have fallen by the wayside:

1. NOT to be depressed….FAILED….on mediation
2. To diet everyday and lose tons….UM nope only 22 lbs down
3. To exercise everyday (since we pay Curves)…UM nope maybe 3 times a week
4. To NOT spend extra money…shit that so was a STUPID one, I mean how many women DON’T shop
5. To NOT be angry…to grow from this…now I have grown, but I am still angry a good portion of the time.

So I didn’t fail completely, but I haven’t done SWIMMINGLY either. So do I pack it in…..NOPE I am gonna accomplish one if NOT all of these darn things. Well I am NOT depressed now…LOL but thank goodness for HAPPY PILLS. I am on a SUPER DIET till I see him so maybe I’ll lose a few more LOL. Exercise well I had good intentions last week I bought a Pilates tape to do here…um its still in the damn wrapper LOL….so maybe that one sucks but we’ll see. I am trying to be grateful and not ANGRY for my kids sake and for Shayne’s I mean he can’t fix this so guess I need to move THROUGH these feelings and not sit here and dwell on them.

I just want him home. But I guess as he says only time will fix this. So for now I will watch that damn clock and wait…for him, his smile, and any answer I can find.

100 years ago

Well not exactly 100 years but 15. Let me back track here for a second. My dear friend Peggie sent me this email today that was entitled 1906 and all the AMAZING things that are different today than 100 years ago. So of course that got me thinking about the things in my life that are different now than they were 15 years ago….and the things that are different now than 3 months ago (pre deployment)

15 years ago

I was dating someone else and my husband didn’t know my name….he was friends with my sister.

I smoked, and then I didn’t for 14 years (have for 3 months since deployment|)

I weighed 145 lbs, and had long hair…now well I am OVER 145 lbs LOL and well my hair has been shorter than now but its ponytail length now.

I never doubted my husband, and in the past 3 months I have had moments (many I caused myself) to question and fear.

I paid the family bills, I didn’t pay the bills, and now (3 months in) I am paying them AGAIN (which I so HATE).

I didn’t have kids, now I have 4 AMAZINGLY KIND, GENEROUS, and WONDERFUL kids.

I didn’t get along with all my family or my husbands, but now I feel like I BELONG in both places, and that I am part of their family and mine.

I knew NOTHING about the military and albeit loved my country…wasn’t patriotic, and understanding (3 months in) I find strength in other women who HELP me and UNDERSTAND the fears, and uncertainties that I go through.

And finally, 15 years ago I wasn’t married to the man of my dreams…today I can truly call him my soul mate, my best friend, and the love of my life. And I can tell you that with time TRUE love only GROWS.

So my life although has had SEVERAL ups and downs, and many surprises along the way, I wouldn’t change one thing about it…not even this deployment (well I might make it shorter LOL) but it has made me much STRONGER than I knew I was, and I hope it has brought ALL of us closer and more patient and understanding and grateful for each other in the family.

Countdown…

…to whatever. I mean we are always counting down to something. For example, the majority of us are counting down the days till Christmas. I am counting down the days till I see Shayne, as well as the days till Christmas, and the days till he comes home permanently. My, oh, my am I a busy little abacus LOL.

Today as I ran my self ragged trying to get all the Christmas decorations up and ready for the EVENTUAL visit of Santa to my house, I found myself with little time to COUNT. So does that me I am NOT counting anymore? Nope, I am still counting, and trying to make time go FASTER. What a hoot, I mean its still 24 hours whether I wish it away or pray that it skips a few DAYS or not. So do your numbers and days run together, get intermixed and confusing? Well mine do but I have them saved on my desktop LOL so that helps.

But when all is said and done, where does the counting leave me? Counting for NO reason? Nope, in the overall scheme of things I think counting is GOOD. I mean we all have dreams, aspirations, and goals right, and in some way shape or form we are COUNTING what we have to do to accomplish those goals. So right now my goal is to see my husband, and to sleep in the same bed with him. Ya know in all the things I truly and deeply miss, it’s him hogging the covers and stealing my pillows. Yeah the sex, or lack there of LOL right now is missed too LOTS, but I so miss just seeing him, and knowing he is real, and loves me.

I find that the closer it gets to the COUNTDOWN ending I am anxious and fearful. What if I did stuff wrong, what if he’s angry I spent a couple thousand dollars (I’m sure frivolously LOL), and maybe, just maybe he won’t want to be overwhelmed with ALL of us when he gets home……hhhhhhmmmmmm that would be sad. I know that at the moment that’s not how he feels but it is food for thought in the dark nights w/o him here.

So count away gang, and get to WHATEVER goal you are aiming for, and know that as you feel like you are slowly losing your minds with the NUMBERS, that someone, somewhere is counting down too, maybe even losing their minds.

By Candlelight

everything makes sense ya know? Wonder if thats because I am so used to feeling alone in the dark right now....and the candle lights the way. Or is it because no matter how ugly the situation is at that moment, the aura of the candlelight is so soothing, comforting, and calming. One may never know for sure I guess.

But for me the night before lighting my tons of candles helped guide me in my decisions. I knew I needed to voice my opinion on the 23 year old, and hope that my husband would understand and respect my opinion. I was revoking my "you can talk to her" approval.

As it turns out, he did and he actually did respect it and KNEW he had to stop talking to her anyway, as she isn't exactly a "GOOD" person. So now two days after voicing my opinion, I feel so good. I mean who know that if you were HONEST and CALM about it that it would work out.

My husband rocks, and I am so proud of him and what he's doing. I have 38 days till I see his handsome face and spend a GROWN-UP night with him alone with out my kids (I love them tons, but will be glad for a 12 hour reprieve). So gang I think that talking and communication is the way to go, you can only bury your feelings so much before the OVERWHEALM you. I'm glad I talked to him and I'm estatic he understood and loves me enough to be flexible. Today is a good day.

Vacation and home again

Well I can tell you that my week ended up being so much better (great English I know LOL) than I even expected. I spent time with my family, I smiled, I cried, and I talked. My husband called me and I heard him cry on the phone because he missed me so much. Now you’d think that would be so very disheartening, but on one hand it was amazing to hear him so much in love with in me, that it hurt. I cooked with my sister, I shopped with my sister and my mother, I laughed with my brother, and his wife, my skinny Indian sister-in-law finally is ATTEMPTING to stand up to my sister and I.....which as mouthy as we are is not an easy task…but good for her. The drive home yesterday was tough. Not the 11 hours, but it was COMING BACK to REALITY. I mean not that one moment passed w/o thinking of Shayne but coming home meant it was REAL and I had to DEAL again. But I will.

This week he got his hair cut by 23 yr old. Now they are friends and she’s got a boyfriend but last night I had to explain that the issue isn’t cheating with me, that it honestly has NOTHING to do with him. NO it had to do with the fact that I can NEVER be 23, skinny, beautiful again, so it’s all about me…favorite new phrase LOL. I see him in 40 days, and I can’t wait. My dear blog friends, I know her name, and I’ve seen her and she knows he off limits…hell she’s dating a lawyer, do you think she’d risk that salary for a nurse with baggage (4 kids and spousal support if he goes LOL) nope she is safe, but the age thing rocks my damn world…makes me nuts. So I ask for a few week reprieve…to hang out with the other nurses and not her and her bed buddy for awhile. So we’ll see if that helps.

Today I have a new lease on life; I am ready to face the next stage of this deployment. I mean in 2 weeks we will be ½ way done…can you imagine? I can’t believe it’s soon gonna OFFICIALLY be the downhill slide. Anyway I am back to blogging.....so look for tons of new stories as I get the car unpacked, and the house decorated for the holidays. Missed you all.

Leaving tomorrow but sad tonight

Well this wasn’t the blog it was supposed to be…LOL but due to my schedule and internet issues…darn it. I am just getting here. So I leave tomorrow AM for a week in Florida with my family. Now I am somewhere in the recesses of my mind very excited but at the moment, I am overwhelmed with guilt and sadness of not being able to spend the holiday with my husband. Shayne is going to be alone, and that breaks my heart. Then I realized if I walk out back of my parents’ house I would be maybe 700 miles from him…and I can’t get to him. What a sad moment to think about.

So this being the 1st real holiday we will have been apart in 15 years is just sheer hell on my emotionally, and right now I am trying, really trying to get it together for my kids and families sake. I mean they are all going out of their way to make sure we are there, with family. I know they mean well and I am grateful, and I can’t wait to see my sister, but I can’t get beyond the pain of not being with Shayne, yeah I know I need to get over it, but I just can’t. He is truly the love of my life, and the reason I breathe many days.

I was on the phone with my mother in law this evening, and I can tell you over the years we have had our differences but tonight, she was my hero, she listened and didn’t judge, or chastise me, and then told me “you are part of this family Stef” and that she “thanks God everyday for me, because she in her heart believes I am the best thing that ever happened to Shayne.” OMGosh what a compliment. I have worked very hard since Shayne deployed to keep her and my FIL in the loop, for a couple reasons. One they are his parents, and I know how I’d feel if my son was gone, and two I have 4 grandkids who she does love, and misses, and three because during this deployment I have needed her strength and friendship so much. She went on to tell me “if you need anything and I can do it for you all you have to do is tell me.” Not that there’s anything anyone can do for me right now, it was nice to hear. So tonight instead of the entire blog being about poor pitiful me this week and missing Shayne I want to salute my mother in law for her bravery and kind words, and broad shoulders, she’ll never ever know how much they have meant to me tonight. Thank you Dixie.

And for all my FAITHFUL readers, I will be w/o internet for a week..can you even imagine? But I did get a great journal to keep notes, so look out for a LONG one when I get home. Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

Day 2 of General YUCKY mood

Well the bad/sad days seem to come in twos for me recently. As we ALL already know I miss Shayne with every fiber of my being right now…and the past couple days I have been UNEASY about the whole thing…damn HAPPY PILLS what gives why am I NOT smiling all day every day….as my sister says “I should have read the fine print” LOL. Anyway today didn’t get any better, now here’s the thing NOTHING happened, no one said anything, and I am just BUMMED. I had to drop Mackenzie off at the Den leaders’ house so he could go camping this week-end. Now don’t get me wrong I am so NOT jealous that I am not going (way too cold to sleep outside with KD and Seth) but I feel bad he is going w/o Shayne.

Yeah I know its ok, life goes on and oh well, but today I just felt bad. He was so excited but still a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. He even told Shayne on the phone last night that he missed him and wished he was home to go camping with him. I know Shayne felt bad, and I know Mackenzie will be ok, but it just sucked. His den leader is married to a retired Marine and she runs a tight ship but now I’m thinking that I don’t know how SINGLE mothers do this. It is damn hard to be mom, dad, responsible one for EVERYTHING else, all the while worrying about my husband. Goodness it’s been a long time since I felt WHOLE, or in CONTROL. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am holding my own, but it sure seems like I am just going through the motions, and tonight I am wondering if I was a crappy parent on top of the already yucky feelings I have.

Oh well I guess I’ll wait and see on Sunday if I did the right thing or not. Hope it doesn’t get as cold as it’s supposed here in this darn state or I will be worrying about him freezing and the hubby cooking LOL. Hope this blog finds you all tucked in safe at home tonight, and with the ones you love.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well that’s an old adage I’m not sure I believe. I mean doesn’t that contradict the one that says “out of site out of mind.” So which one is right? I mean today in the distant recesses of my mind I couldn’t shake the “I’m alone and I miss him horribly, and life will never be the same” feeling…yeah it’s a mouthful but boy was I feeling STRESSED.

So I decided that we needed a NORMAL family outing….OMG 4 kids after school and no nap for the little ones and the LOOP (thanks for the details sis)….then dinner at the Chinese Hog trough (my kids love a good buffet) and then hair cuts, eyebrow waxing, DQ for Blizzards’ (where they put it all, I will NEVER know LOL) and then home for the HOMEWORK marathon. Yep that’s about it….NORMAL with a family of 4 kids…oh yeah forgot to tell you about the mashed in fortune cookies in my 5 month old MINI-VAN…LOL.

Anyway here I sit, trying hard NOT to think or feel bad, but it’s not working. I so can’t call another person whining tonight they will certainly think I lost my flippen mind or that my HAPPY PILLS aren’t working but they are…LOL can you imagine me if they weren’t LOL. So I want to know how this deployment is gonna make me STRONGER, more SECURE in my marriage, more WHATEVER. I mean hell I was secure in my marriage BEFORE this, now I am scared and lonely. Stronger, whatever, I have 4 kids, a husband, a dog and a cat, and possibly a bird soon…yeah stronger that’s what I need to be NOT…LOL. So what is it this is doing for me except filling my mind with doubts and fears? NOTHING…that’s what its doing…all I can do is sit and WATCH the CLOCK (thanks hubby). Oh well such is life, I do however get to see him in exactly 51 days. If anyone knows which one of these old adages are true can ya drop me a line LOL I would like some PROOF that one of them work…hell at this point I don’t even care which one LOL. Happy Thursday everyone.

Countdown to the Holidays

So they are FAST approaching, and this will be the first year I haven’t been with Shayne. Now in the previous blog, I already told you I would be with my family, which is good. But I can’t help but worry, and wonder about my husband. I mean he is alone w/o any of us. I know its just Thanksgiving, but I find it hard to even get ready to be THANKFUL for anything. I miss him….I am even gonna miss cooking dinner for the herd I call a family.

I think he is working on the holiday which isn’t a huge deal; at least he works nights and will sleep the bulk of the day so maybe the MISSING won’t be too bad. I don’t know. I have sent him 11 boxes in the past few weeks to keep him LOOKING in the mail LOL. I don’t know what else to do to help him. Hell I don’t even really know how to help myself. I know I will laugh, and cry next week, and I know my heart will be broken. But the one thing I can think about is that with the passing of Thanksgiving, I will be one HOLIDAY closer to seeing him. I am hoping the month of December flies by…not for all of you, for that I’m sorry, but like my sisters favorite saying goes “it is all about me” and right now that’s how I feel. OMG that was so selfish. Oh well lets see everyone should be selfish once in awhile in their life, and for me that’s this deployment.

I am adding my blogs to my book that I am working on…yep a book. It has truly always been a dream of mine to write, but I’ve been LAZY and unable to find the RIGHT topic for myself…and a few weeks ago I came up with my book, and have been working every free hour I have. So maybe for Thanksgiving I will be thankful for my family, my husband’s safety, and his heroism, my children, and finally striving to reach a goal of mine. Not a bad list, guess I’ll add that I’d be really THANKFUL for the return of all our men and women and PEACE, but for now I’ll just keep hoping and praying for that and keep all of them in my prayers.

Getting ready for Vacation

So the kids and I are heading 11 hours south to my parents house for Thanksgiving. My dad is flying up on Tuesday and driving us down (they are trying to help but I am capable of doing it LOL). So this week I have to pack for Mack to go on his scout camping trip for 3 days, and Saturday I have to get the cat to the vet, the van to the garage for oil change and stuff, drive 30 minutes out of town to see Mack at his scout thingy LOL, and pack for a trip that I know will be worth it but I dread it too. I know that sounds really bad, its not that I don’t want to go, its that I don’t want to go w/o Shayne. My mom and I have struggled over the years to be friends….it’s a really long story, but we are finally on the road to recovery, but she will never get over the hurt and things that happened between us years ago. Anyway my husband is a GREAT buffer between us…I mean he kicks me under the table and reels me in and changes the subject a lot so it will be odd to not have him there. Maybe it’s a test from God this whole deployment and dinner with 30 people at my parents house LOL.

So anyway that leads me into a topic of separation anxiety….LOL. Now we all went through this and believed we were OVER it, but I am here to tell you that I’m not….I officially have SEPERATION ANXIETY LOL. I want him here, and the fact that he is out of my line of site or contact (at my convenience) is too much many days for me. I have a new outlook on the whole just drop the kids off, they will quit crying thing….because I really haven’t. I mean I am better and on the road to NORMAL…or what I affectionately term NORMAL for a deployment family (with 4 kids LOL…and a soon to be 14 year old with an attitude to match…although that’s a topic for another day LOL). I am holding my own, today and just got 3 more months of HAPPY PILLS so I should be NORMAL for a few more months LOL. Only 53 more days till he gets his HANDSOME, SKINNY BUTT off that military hop to come and hold me. Counting days right now but a few more weeks…it will be HOURS. Hope this blog finds you all happy, and healthy, and getting ready for THANKSGIVING in one more week.

60 days in....

OMGosh we made it 2 months….60 days (well 64 officially today…bit late in posting LOL) anyway, its been a LONG HAUL. We are 1/3 of the way done. Doesn’t seem like a huge amount of time gone, but it sure feels like it.

Ok, well checkbook is still balanced…no huge issues there. House is straightened up at the moment…4 kids, its moment to moment not daily LOL. And here we are at our SECOND party. Now next month could be a huge party issue since I have a birthday before our 3 month celebration and a birthday after it LOL. Goodness that’s a LOT of cake. But we’ll figure it out. Then I just looked at the dates, and Shayne will be with us on the 6th-9th of January here in the states…yep we will actually be saying good-bye again on the 9th. Do you think the Navy plans it that way…LOL at least it won’t change the PARTY date for the kids and I now will it.


We as a family and as individuals have overcome so much the past few months, that hindsight being what it is I am amazed. I didn’t realize we were all as strong, yet weak, and vulnerable at the same time. I know I appreciate my life so much more than I did 64 days ago. I love my husband and my kids more than I ever knew I did.

So I guess at the moment, everything is running smoothly, and we are getting by, and for any deployed family (especially on the first deployment) that’s all you can expect or ask for. I have been working on my book, wait until my husband reads it. I am pretty proud of myself. I have always wanted to write but never could NAIL down that topic close enough to my heart to spend the time doing it. Finally I did…it’s the Diary of a Navy Wife. Think it might make for some scary reading LOL. We’ll have to wait and see. Hope this blog finds you all well, and happy.

Label: 30 days in...

What a difference 24 hours makes

I did some massive RETAIL THERAPY yesterday, helped my 11 yr old work on his craftsmen badge requirements by redoing a $16 table from a used furniture store, and talked to my husband and sent the letter. I felt tons better after we talked and he sent me on a SHOPPING mission to start another box for him. Now the man has 11 currently in the mail for him (I rock I know)…he’s not getting them all at once but they’ve been mailed over the past 3 weeks.

Anyway, we talked and we listened, and I smiled tons when we hung up. I mean I have a new lease on life, and I made a big decision. Shayne is flying back into the states on the 6th of January, I am getting a sitter for the kids and going to spend the night with him ALONE. I just want to talk, and see him. I so miss him. Then on the 7th and 8th we'll all be together as a family, than unfortunately on the 9th he goes back. I booked the room, Jacksonville Clarion and I am so excited. It will be sad to see him go back, but its ok, it should only be about 2 or 3 months after that and he should be home for good then.

The thing I found most amazing with our marriage is that we have BAD days together. Maybe it means because we’ve been together so long that we are ONE….cheesy sounding I know but I miss him so much it hurts…but today it doesn’t hurt as bad, maybe its just because in life you can only have so many BAD days before you have to have some GOOD days. Guess that’s a blog for another day. Thanks for reading, and if you’re having a bad day know the sun will come out tomorrow.

Letter to a deployed husband

Its 3:30 in the morning. I have been up for 3 hours now THINKING. Lack of sleep, worry, and OVER THINKING are never a good combination for me. And you'll probably just blow this email off, but I need to say a few things that are very important to me....so read this please.

First, even though its hard I do trust you, I mean you are the most honorable man I have ever met, and you've never given me a reason to NOT trust you, but I am struggling. I would NEVER ask you to NOT be friends with someone. I guess part of the issue for me is that you go places with her, and you talk to her, and aren't here to go with me and can't talk to me. Its not a matter of trust honest. Its beyond that for me it's the intimacy (not sex), and companionship I miss.

My only fear in life is ever losing you. I am trying so hard to find a way to make things easier for you, that I forget I can't. I am so used to it being US, that to hear what you said last night was hard. I felt alone, and I can't talk to people about you hanging out with her, because the world immediately thinks you are cheating. I know you're a nurse and you hang with women all the time, and I'm ok with that MOST of the time. I know you think I have people to call but I don't. I truly am as alone as you are, you spend your time at work, and with idiots who don't know your name. I spend mine with 4 kids and the internet.

I guess what I am looking for are several things...I need to KNOW you love me (I don't know how to tell you to do that either). I need to know that you are getting off that plane in 4 months and gonna look at me and realize that you love me more than you thought, and that you love your life. I hear you say you miss home, but what I don't here is you miss me. I'm sure you say it, but I just don't hear it. I need to occasionally know you are truly as sad and miserable as I am. I try not to be, but its hard.

I also need to know what to do to help you...I feel helpless here and that's not a feeling I am used too. I know you promised me last night a big promise and it helped. I just miss US, I miss your smile, and our kids looking forward to seeing you. I miss your help, and your strength, and I even miss the damn Marine hymn bottle opener.

Honey you are my hero in more ways than you know. When I say I can't breath w/o you, I truly mean I can't. I don't know how to help you, or to help me right now, but we're missing something here, I mean we are both stronger than this, and we are strong together. Maybe the distance and time is really too much. I know you blew off my fear of you getting off the plane and NOT wanting me/us/our life...but honey it's a real fear for me, and I need you to find a way to tell me it shouldn't be. I know you need one more stress in your life like you need a hole in your head, but I NEED your strength this morning, so please honey find a way to tell me or write something to help me get over this...through it, whatever.

Then tell me what you want shipped. I love shopping and I find it very easy to do from home now LOL. Amazon.com LOVES me. Smile we are almost to Thanksgiving and hopefully Christmas will come fast, and they'll let you leave earlier. Say a few prayers, I know that's not your forte in life but do it anyway, maybe all 6 of us saying the same prayer, it will get heard. I'm sorry if this was too many words but I needed to say it w/o you hearing me cry.

I love you,
Me

So I know at sometime this is a letter we all write to our deployed husbands but I can tell you that RATIONALLY I know that all of this is NO BIG DEAL but how as women do we deal with the EMOTIONAL side of the fear, and uncertinaty? I mean I spent 14 years of my life with my husband building a STRONG foundation for our marriage on trust and honesty (well with the occassional lie regarding $$$ I spent LOL) to now be confused and scared? I really just want to feel NORMAL again. I want our life back, and I know eventually we will have it maybe with some MORE respect for each other. BUT until then I just know I am gonna be tossing and turning with worry, and fear till I see his face. There has got to be an easier way to deal with the distance. I haven't emailed it yet...not quite sure if I should I mean we talk to little on the phone I don't want him upset or a fight because of my insecurites when in reality he can't FIX them for me...only I can. Guess I'll see what this evening brings and maybe I'll get brave.

Veteran’s Day

Yesterday I went to Mackenzie’s school for a program for our veterans. It was so amazing. Made me miss my husband even more to see other kids parents in uniform for a special presentation. At a certain point after several patriotic songs the veterans (active, reserve, and retired) walked to the front to receive card from several of the children. I watched in awe of all of them…when my son tapped my arm and said come on mom we have to walk up too. I of course said NO WAY….LOL and he said yeah we have to go up for Dad, I already worked it out with my music teacher. Tears welled up in my eyes with the thought that my son went out of his way to REMEMBER his dad on Veterans day.

The reason it was so amazing for me was that I know in the definition of the word veteran, my husband is one. But for me a veteran is my grandpa, or his dad…ya know they’re old, they are veterans. But yesterday was put into perspective for me when I realized my 11 yr old KNEW more than I did at that moment.

So with a heart full of pride for my son and my husband, I walked up and collected several cards. I will be mailing them to Shayne on Monday. But I do know he is my HERO, and I so wished I could hear his voice tonight to tell him Happy Veteran’s Day and that his sacrifices are so appreciated and respected by so many in this country. Please if you know a Vet or their family tell them Thank you today. This is an extremely huge sacrifice these military men and women (and their families) make every day….for our safety and our freedoms. Happy Veterans Day Honey…you are a BRAVE MAN, and you make me PROUD.

Lost in the Atmosphere

Ya know we’ve all been to the beach at some point. You know that clear, dark sky on the strip with all the lights lit up and the breeze that you feel? Well last night as I walked out of Wal-Mart, I had all of those. The beautiful breeze, the clear cool sky, and every neon sign lit up. I actually stopped to take it all in and take a really deep breath. I realized that I’m ok. I mean its been a bad, bad week here…sick kid, bills to pay, visit to ER, and missing hubby.

When I got on the “HAPPY PILLS” I wanted…no NEEDED to believe that they were gonna make me HAPPY and smiling every single day. But what they really do is make you NORMAL. I mean I still have bad days, and tears but at least they aren’t everyday now. I know their doing their job. Shayne called and was amazing as he usually is….LOL he makes me laugh, and right now all I want is to see his face, to touch him. Its not sex I miss (I mean I do miss the sex) it’s the companionship. Its our friendship. Its our FAMILY. I mean its hard to understand (until you live something like this) how you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely when the person you love MOST on the face of the planet isn’t there. He is truly my soul mate. He is the reason I breathe.

I felt bad last night as I stood there, looking odd, in Wal-Mart’s parking lot. I felt bad that there were moments like this that we as a couple were missing. But then I realized that we weren’t missing them really…I mean he had that same sky, near the ocean that I did (minus the neon signs LOL). And maybe the reason I took two seconds to notice it last night is because he was noticing it too…I mean he was waiting on the bus to get to work so maybe he was looking up at the same time. Maybe that’s why I felt the connection. Think so? Well even if its not, it’s a nice feeling to think he was thinking of me at the same time I was thinking of him.

My Handsome Husband

So here he is all decked out in his desert cammies. He is such a stud...but oh boy is he skinnier than before he left. Guess the heat is getting to him. I was just talking to my friend last night about how he's gonna be so shocked when he sees the kids...they have grown so much since he left. I was nervous about how different he might look, when I got a picture last night. He is more HANDSOME than I remember.

Ya know we are at the 2 month mark tomorrow that we've all been apart, and I have been pretty anxious about how we have all changed. But when I saw his face I realized that I love him more now than I did 8 weeks ago. Don't you find that odd, that you can love someone you aren't seeing all the time, and that it doesn't go away when you TRULY love someone. I couldn't be more PROUD of him that I am. He is my HERO, and the LOVE of my LIFE...oh and he's MINE. Thanks for letting me brag everyone. Hope you all have a great day.

Today’s Decision

Well I have been a bit lax in my schedule, my responsibilities and what not since I spiraled out of control into my depression. But today, I can honestly say as soon as my kid stops puking I wanna get back in the swing of things. I miss my husband so much, but right now its NUMB. I have actually not cried for a week. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still well up, but now a deep breath will fight back those tears. I’m sure that the holidays are gonna be really hard, but right now all I wanna do is get back in the swing of things.

My diet and exercise is a mission, and my house is a sty at the moment. So today, I head back to the drawing board on the diet, and back to Curves again today. As far as the house, maybe tomorrow I’ll get it dusted and vacuumed, then I can tackle the laundry. But we’ll see. In all honesty I’m just happy I KNOW changes are in order. I mean the meds must be working. I can function again.

Hope this blog finds you all safe, and sound, and not missing your hubbys too bad. But if you are, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Life goes On

Ya know when I left Ohio, and my best friends, Carrie and Twila, I never thought I’d be the same. I truly believed that life would suck forever and I’d never make new friends, or be happy with any other friends. Well then Shayne got deployed and I thought I’d curl up and die. Well let me tell ya, I am LIVING proof that LIFE GOES ON. No matter how much you BELIEVE it won’t…it does.

I woke up this week-end and realized a couple things…..one that my meds rock they actually work. Two that I have great friends who are willing to spend an entire week-end making me laugh and forget real life. Jen and Amber you two ROCK. And finally three I love my husband and trust every thing about him. I mean he is the most honorable man on the face of the planet. I know that the distance during deployments makes those of us left at home alone CRAZY. But today I am fine.

I actually shopped and ate out with out my kids this week-end. I was NORMAL for a few hours. I talked to other adults who understood and cared how I felt. I got to bounce ideas and feelings off of them with out them being judgmental. So today I can tell you that no matter how sad life seems…it does GO ON. The sun will still come up tomorrow and I’ll be back into the SCHEDULE with school again. But tonight I am COMFORTABLY content. Not happy as I can’t truly be happy with out my hero here with me, but I am content and safe. So I’m ok. Hope this blog finds all of you in as comfortable place. I do miss him.

I thought I was in TROUBLE

So I am surviving, yesterday we had an internet issue so no blog for me. But today everything is up and running SUPERFAST. Lets see what’s new for us. Oh, yeah we got a kitten. Not a big deal in most cases but OMG does my husband HATE cats. But he’s 2k miles away so when my dear friend Amber dropped her off to us we kept her. Her name is Toby (wonder who she’s named after…being the Toby Keith fan that I am…yeah I know she’s a girl but I have 4 kids they thought they were being nice LOL). Anyway she is gingerbread and white striped long hair kitten. She is so beautiful. She is little and we’re not used to little ANYTHING in this house LOL but we’re getting used to her.

Now back to daddy. Well we told him last night on the phone when he called and he wasn’t as angry as I planned for. No I think he heard how good she was for the kids. Its so what my son Mackenzie whose been pretty depressed needed. So when I got on the phone with Shayne I asked him if he was gonna yell, and he said what the hell am I gonna do about it hell I’m 2k miles away. Isn’t that funny we do think alike now don’t we LOL.


So all in all everything is fine, and we survived the past few days with a meowing kitten. I do think though before this even starts that its MY job. Goodness where in the MOM handbook does it say that EVERYTHING is my job LOL. Must have been that fine print I didn’t read LOL.

Happy Birthday to me

First let me say for all of you following my depression saga, the meds are kicking in. I actually didn’t cry at all yesterday and told hubby he could quit calling every night for 4 minutes to check on me….that I am fine. I am starting to find myself. I didn’t know I was truly as strong as I am. I just have to stay focused. Now on to my amazing birthday presents. OMG my husband rocks. Now this is the 1st official holiday we’ve been apart and the first birthday in 15 years we haven’t celebrated together. But I’m ok. I gave the kids a mental health day from school to stay home and play with me today. Makes the house a bit less empty feeling today.

Last night Shayne called and told me to open my presents he knew it was early but didn’t want me to wait till tonight to open them. So I opened the boxes. In the big one, was a navy jacket, a set of Rustic Elements candlesticks. And in the smaller one was a message in a bottle timeless message. OMG it was so romantic. Below is the message that was inside.

My dearest Stephanie,

Some days seem so filled and so busy
We seem to need more hours in the day
To get it all done

People who mean the most to us
Don’t get a phone call, a card or a visit
That would mean so very much
They aren’t told how very precious they are to us
And they aren't aware
Of just how often they are in our daily thoughts

I don’t want another day to pass
Without telling you how very much I appreciate you
And all that you do
And that I admire and respect you in so many ways.
I never want you to think that I take you for granted.

I love you each day,
Even when I don’t take the time to tell you

Love always
Shayne

So I am surviving the day, I do miss him horribly but I figure that I will be ok. My kids are great we are gonna have a nice day here, and then go trick or treating this evening …then talk to daddy at 8pm. I am stronger than I think I am and this is just a test I know it. So I am gonna keep writing here, keep focused on my weight loss and exercise program, and I am gonna miss him like mad. But I do trust him and believe in him, so that makes it a bit better. Happy Halloween everyone.

Depression

Well it’s a big, nasty word with tons of reasons. I can honestly say that the time apart is killing me. I am so used to Shayne being here, and it being us…even if I feel like I do all the work LOL. Right now I’d sell my soul to have him here. Yeah that’s a big statement, but I am so completely lost without him. So after 8 weeks, I figure out that I can’t continue crying and being as short fused as I have been ya know. So last week I headed into my doctor who I will tell you is great. It helps he knows my husband because he has no problem calming my fears too. So although I felt very weak have to ask for medication, I did it anyway.

So here I am 5 days into taking these meds, and today I can honestly say I think they might be working. I mean the sheer panic and fear isn’t gone but I have been up for hours now and no tears yet. That in itself would be worth it. I want to feel better, sooner than later I hope. I am following the rules on the meds as they say. At the moment I am still feeling a bit fuzzy and exhausted but I understand that feeling should go away eventually…we’ll see.

What I want to know is how is it possible that a normally strong woman crashes so damn fast. I mean I was so sure that I could do this, that I was never gonna be depressed, or angry. But OMGosh I am so mad, and not at anyone in particular, just damn angry. I want my husband home, I want him here to help me, to calm my fears, to take care of stuff here. I am tired of this being my job, and my job alone. Ok ranting over, I know its my job and will be ONLY my job till he comes home.

Tonight what I want is him safe, and missing me as much as I miss him. I want us to come out of this closer than we were, and a lot more appreciative of each other and the kids. If that happens, then the misery and pain will so be worth it. So as I close tonight, I am wishing on that star outside my window and saying a prayer for my husband, and all those deployed men and women, as well as those of us left alone at home without them.

Communication

OMGosh so the last blog was a bit sad/mean spirited whatever..but I'm over it. LOL Shayne and I talked and he said it wrong, and I misunderstood...doesn't matter see how we were both wrong LOL. Anyway if you didn't know before now that he was the LOVE of my life, my SOULMATE, you will after you see the comments he made to me last night.

He told me he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn't imagine ever living without me, that I was so beautiful. He told me it hurt so much to be away from the kids and I, and that he was counting the seconds till he could see us again...and he is...at this moment 12,197,036 seconds from seeing each other back in our own home.

So the factor into the equation comment was taken care of, and as far as the 23 yr old issue well she had asked the guys "didn't ya ever just have a bed buddy (she was more vulgar)" and my husband...who I will again say ROCKS...said, "only once, and I married her." My husband is the kindest, most honest, most amazing man on the planet.

He is refocused, and NOT losing his mind today. I am calmer, and not crying, I am more sure of US now than I have ever been. If nothing comes out of this whole damn deployment but him saying he loved me, and that I am beautiful, then it was worth it for me personally.

He is the reason I breathe everyday, he is truly my best friend, and he "completes me" (thanks Tom Cruise for the excellent line). Thank you honey for being my OFFICER and GENTLEMAN.

Misunderstood

That’s how I feel, that’s what I am, apparently that’s what I’ve done…I mean it would have to be. Hubby called on Monday to let me know how he worked through his MELT DOWN. Now let me say I am very happy he did, except his THERAPY sent me on a melt down of my own. Haven’t slept well in two days now, and don’t know when he’s calling me again. And I really don’t want to address it as it sounds accusatory when I do, but if I DON’T say something I am gonna make myself NUTS trying to NOT make more out of this than it is.

So I can’t/won’t post what he said, because I can’t bear to read them all here . But one thing he did say was that due to security reasons he can’t talk about his family there. So we don’t factor into the equation. Well factors, equations? Wait this is a marriage, a family I mean when did we become an equation with factors that can’t be considered? I mean OMG did I really hear him say that. Then to top it off he told me that it was heart wrenching to hear some mothers talk to their kids at home because they are away from them. Ok, well I’m sure it is but here’s a couple heart wrenching things for ya to think about honey. How about me, I mean when they hang up, although they are dying inside, they go back to work. Me, no I don’t get to go back to work, I have to listen to each one of these kids cry every single day. I have to try and explain to KD why I can’t go get your plan and bring you back. I have to hear Seth cry at nap time and at night that all he wants is his family back and where is daddy. And Mack, OMGosh were do I start with him, he struggles everyday counting the days till he can talk to you. And Osten, well honey he thinks I don’t hear him sniffling about you, or notice that his eyes well up sometimes when he talks about you. No honey what I’m living is heart wrenching.

I can’t sleep right, or eat well, or at all some days. Then to hear how you are BONDING and have someone to TELL you what to do because you are used to your wife “TELLING YOU” what is that? I mean I don’t TELL you anything, I thought we talked? I mean after 14 ½ years I was sure we TALKED.

But whatever I guess the point in the blog was to (if you can read it since apparently you don’t read my letters) explain that I know I am doing so many things WRONG, I know am doing the BEST I can, and that even though NO ONE realizes how hard this is, and that there is ALWAYS someone with it worse than I have it, that my life sucks right now. I would sell everything to have you home, and safe, and laying your butt on my couch with friggen Bubba burger grease all over my counter. I love you, and I know that you miss me and love me too, but COMMUNICATION is necessary here, you need to tell me, and you need to talk to me, I can’t do this w/o you. And the past few days have been worse than the last two months, so something’s gotta give here, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I am POSTING this to you. Its not too mushy…you won’t miss me after this post LOL. But hopefully you will realize that the life you think you left isn’t here, its some screwed up mess waiting on you to return and help us all work this out. We’re lonely and sad,, and not able to breath many days without you but we are trying. Be safe and know you are loved.

Can’t fix it all

Ya know as a mother you want your kids to be happy and never have hurt feelings, and the first time some crappy kid is mean to them, you wanna kick their scrawny ass, then you wanna hunt their mother down and kick hers. However you take a deep breath and remember you can’t, and that unfortunately no matter how hard it is you have to find a way to help them work through their hurt feelings.

So where is all this coming from? Well I have an 11 year old whose a big kid..by big I mean he’s 5ft 2 inches and 190 lbs. He is like the broad side of a barn. I love him so much, he is the kindest child I know. He has grown into his own over the past few years. He reads better than anyone in his class, and is further ahead in Advanced math than my older child is and he’s 3 years older than him LOL. Mackenzie also made the academic derby team this year. I mean he is amazing. Anyway, this week-end he went camping with another Scout family, because its really too cold at night to take my 2 and 3 year old out in a tent overnight. He came home on Sunday and I thought everything was fine, and he had a good time. Took him 2 hours before he anted up that the kid was mean to him. Now mean I can handle…we’ve done mean before…hell I think mine have been mean at one point in time. But when he started crying it broke my heart. And what was worse is I can’t fix it for him.

So in typical FAMILY fashion, we all pulled together and at 6pm tonight we will all be walking with him. He is now on some diet that I know isn’t healthy for him, and he’s exercising. All of which will in the long run be good but it angers me that some creepy kid hurt him to the point of tears. I wished Shayne had been here to go camping this week-end, it would have helped. But such is life. We’ll figure it out. I guess for me the point of this blog is just this…yet another thing in life we can’t control, all we can do is work with it, and through it. I know he will be ok, and get over it…probably before I will…I tend to hold grudges LOL. But gosh doesn’t it suck that he has too. I mean wasn’t there a time when kids were nicer to each other…or did we just not know to be that mean to someone? Oh well maybe it is the media and all the sex and violence on television that makes these kids meaner, or maybe we were that mean too all those years ago. I don’t know but I know as a mom this sucks, and I’m angry at myself for not being able to fix this. But again such is life, and as with anything it will work itself out.

Fear of the Unknown

So the other night when hubby called he sounded a bit sad/depressed/ lonely/ frustrated…not sure which but he sounded all of it. So I spent the day worrying, and wondering what to say if and when he called. I mean for the kids and I we have settled into the “Auto-pilot” mode and are functioning here. I mean we have the occasional melt down but life has for better and worse gone on. I knew when he left that it would take about a month or so before it set in that he was ALONE and away from us. Now don’t get me wrong he loves us and we all have fun together but who doesn’t want a break once in awhile…come on now fess up we ALL do. So the 1st month wasn’t so bad, he was busy with tons of new stuff to do, and a new place to be, and the QUIET…OMG how I long for the quiet LOL.

So I decided to face it head on (Shayne’s NOT so favorite commercial LOL). Anyway I just out right ask him what he was afraid of, I mean is he afraid he’s changed…he said “no way that he hasn’t.” I said are you afraid that we’ve changed? His response was “well life has gone on for you guys like normal?“ I mean has it? I don’t think so, and he I don’t think realizes how MUCH we’ve changed as a family. I mean we used to get out 6 of everything for dinner and now 5 is what we set the table for (that’s NORMAL for us now). I mean the ultimate sign for that we have HAD to move on is that we have conviently lost all the spoons but 5..what the hell is that, I mean where do they go all the time? Oh I know my husband would blame his sister LOL as that’s what he did when we lived in Ohio, and his parents silverware went missing…he’d tell his dad “Paula must have thrown them away” dirty I know but we do all laugh about it now LOL. So anyway my point with the silverware was that I didn’t immediately go buy new….I mean why would I we have 5 spoons we can all eat still at the same time. But in all actuality we can’t all eat at once as we aren’t all here.

So how do I help him with out MELTING down myself. I mean I don’t cry tons or often as I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never quit. I am horribly lonely, but I do have friends I just need to utilize them better. I guess for me I just FUNCTION and I’m afraid that’s what he’s doing right now. But just functioning and not WITH it all the time puts him in a different place, and possibly at danger. I worry that the loneliness will get overwhelming and he’ll NOT force himself to work through it, I worry he‘ll avoid it and we all know that’s not good. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that as wives (military or not) we have to figure out away to help these men realize its all ok, and its ok to TALK to us about their fears, and worries. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I can guarantee you we as WOMEN, WIVES and MOTHERS will for sure find the answer somewhere.

Definition of a Sailor

The following poem is one my husband emailed me last night…and parts of it are very true. He is the love of my life no matter where he is or what he does. Enjoy….and thanks honey.



Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a fascinating mass of humanity called sailors. They can be found anywhere: on ships, in bars, on leave, or in love and always in debt.

Girls love them, civilians tolerate them and the government supports them, or so they claim. A sailor is laziness with a deck of cards, bravery with a tattooed arm, and the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brain of a genius, the sincerity of a liar, and the aspiration of a Casanova.

When he wants something, it is usually indecent and immoral, or against Navy regulations. His favorite pastimes are girls, females, broads, dames and members of the opposite sex.

He dislikes Navy chow, answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, and getting up in the morning. No other human being can cram into his shirt pocket; a comb, a little black book, a pack of gum, a church key, a pack of cigarettes, his girl's picture and what's left of last month's pay.
He likes to spend some of money on girls, some on poker, most of it on booze, and what's left on foolishness.

A sailor is a magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can scratch him off your mailing list, but not out of your mind. So you might as well give up. He is your Far-away from home
lover, your one and only, good for nothing, liberty minded, bundle of wrongdoing. But your shattered dreams become insignificant when your sailor comes home and looks at you with those BIG BLOOD SHOT EYES AND SAYS HI SWEETHEART.

A Few of my FAVORITE things

Broad title for this blog don’t ya think? Well I wanna talk about a couple FAVORITES of mine. My favorite season is FALL. Why? Well in Ohio the leaves were beautiful, the skies were cold but bright when the sun was out. It ALWAYS felt like football season, and chili for dinner. I love the Fall it is truly the most beautiful time of the year…well depending on where you live I guess. I mean Fall on the North Carolina Coast…um not real exciting, I mean all the leaves don’t change, and 90% of the time the SUN is blazing in the sky…but none the less it is COOLER which makes it FALL and a NICE time here.

My favorite weather is GRAY and RAINY. Oh I love those days, they are the ones we all look forward too…I mean wear jammies all day and watch Lifetime Movie Network, or catch up on our NAPPING LOL. I love the rain. Now in Ohio is RAINED all the damn time so you tended NOT to appreciate it as much as when you GET a BREAK from the SUN here in this state LOL.

What else do I love…hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm oh I love Reese’s peanut butter cups, and Blue Raspberry Slushies, and Hot chocolate with whipped cream. I love Chinese food, and rented movies on a Saturday night. I love my husband and my kids, and my sister, and my friends. I love to shop, and to talk on the phone. I LOVE football (even if it sucks this year). I love Christmas morning…even though it doesn’t last nearly LONG enough for all the time, work, and money you put into it. I love the first snowfall that is wet enough to make snowballs to throw at my kids.

I mean there are so many things in my life that I love, and enjoy. But with out my husband here to do them with it just seems so empty. I mean shopping feels like a TASK…a CHORE….a JOB in my life right now. I can’t wait to see him and have him bitch I’m spending too much money this pay…which we all know he will LOL…. But I don’t care. I can’t wait to watch all the MISERABLY LONG Sunday morning news shows with him. I didn’t realize the little things that I miss so very much with him gone. Some days its hard to REMEMBER to LOOK BEYOND the pain of being LONELY to enjoy the things you LOVE.

Girls Night out

So since hubby left I have never really taken anytime to just sit and chat and laugh with my girlfriends. Well yesterday my friend Amber and I got on our own little MISSION. We needed to get several things done to our friend Holly’s car to get her on the road. There is a long story behind why we needed to help Holly out but way to much info to discuss on here this AM maybe another day. Anyway I watched Amber's daughter while she did all the running which just ROCKED. I mean anytime I can sit here on my butt and yell from the chair to “STOP doing that” is excellent LOL. So we got the van up and running and road ready (with the help of her oldest son as we aren’t great TIRE CHANGERS LOL). Then we decided that we needed to throw a little party for our friend Holly to celebrate her new job and how well she is doing.

So we had Holly’s son, and his family and Ambers family and the babies and I (my teenagers were sitting at home with take out from Ambers LOL no need for them to interact I guess LOL) all with our own little throw together picnic for dinner (yeah the mess was at Ambers house LOL). Anyway we all ate, and I took the kids home, and Holly’s son left, and then Ambers husband left so what did the girls do? Oh yes, we got together for a GRIPE and LAUGH session. I can tell you I laughed my ass off for 30 minutes with NO KIDS around. OMG are you all jealous now LOL? I miss the hubby, and feel bad having any fun without him but it was a nice break from reality tonight.

So the morale of my rather short blog tonight is to remind us MOMS of couple things: One that Laughter is the BEST medicine for any depressing feelings. And two we all need a couple minutes alone or without kids to REST, REFRESH, and RENERGIZE our hearts and souls.

3 Wishes

Ok so if you were cleaning out the attic and found a bottle that you rubbed and out popped a genie willing to grant you 3 wishes what would they be. Now remember that you only ever can have these 3 wishes. So think hard….what would you wish for?

My first gut instinct would be to have my deployed husband back home with me ASAP. But if he is home now then I didn’t accomplish my goals that I set for ME during his deployment. Hhhhhhhmmm that sounds odd coming out of my mouth…but the only way I was getting this weight off was to do it while he was gone…I mean I made up my mind I was gonna be skinny (well skinnier LOL), blonde and in pink camo shorts when I picked him up at the airport…and damn it I’m doing it this time. Also wishing him home today wouldn’t accomplish his MISSION…and we all know how important the MISSION is, even if we don’t want them too…its what they were made for, we have to let them do it. So nope my first wish wouldn’t be for him to be home today…although my heart does say different.

Ok, so now what wish? I guess if I had to chose a wish it would be for my kids. I wouldn’t wish for their life to be easy. No I want them to earn EVERYTHING its what I believe makes them better people. I want them to be happy but not without pain. I know that’s crazy but ya know what, it’s the pain that makes us stronger individuals in our lives. So what would I wish for my children? I guess that they live the lives they want to live maybe hitting the lottery once or twice too, so they can help out dear, old, mom LOL.

Well that’s one wish out of the way…I think maybe I’d wish for my family and friends lives to be a bit easier, and wealthier too. I mean hell if they could pay their houses, cars, and college loans off then they could all help me too LOL. See the trend here…if everyone else has the “GOLD” then I am set LOL.

I can tell you my final wish would be for all our military men and women to be home…NOT TODAY like I’d love to say, but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I need to be able to go to bed and know that this war (whether I agreed at the beginning or not doesn‘t matter right now) I need to know that this war accomplishes SOMETHING. I want someone to get the Democracy that they so need, I want the “BAD GUYS” all caught, sent to trial, and punished according to the law.

So my wishes ultimately would be for happiness and wealth for my family and friends, and World Peace. Good thing I am not a Miss America candidate as the whole World Peace thing is a bit cheesy but truly what I want. I want them all home safe and sound with their wives (or husbands), and their children. I want to go bed at night knowing that the MISSION was accomplished, and that NO ONE died in vain. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have made these particular wishes 4 years ago, but tonight as I sit here with my husband so very far away, I know that these are the RIGHT wishes to make, and even though he wants to be here with us that he has to stay awhile longer. So gang look for those magic bottles and remember to be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Letters

So I write hubby everyday that he’s gone…ya know therapy for ME…LOL. And the other day when we talked, he actually told me he ISN’T reading my letters. Now what the hell is that? I mean come on now, I am so NOT a sappy woman. I mean he can’t even imagine that they are FULL of tears does he? Hhhhhhmmmmmm, so after I get done pouting, I say “Why aren’t you reading my letters?” He actually says to me “Ya know how I hate LOTS of WORDS” (maybe he’s looking for See Jane Cry instead of what I’m writing LOL). Again I will say what the hell does that mean? The man has two Masters degrees, I mean I know that he KNOWS how to read. And never mind that he’s thousands of miles away from me…you’d think he’d want to know how I was FEELING right? Gosh what a dork LOL.

So I revamp my letter writing…yeah I just got mad and DIDN’T send any for a week LOL. That sure didn’t fix the problem…I am still mad. So what angers me the most about the LETTER thing is this, I am not one of those “DIRTY” letter writing, or “DIRTY” word saying (no I don’t mean SWEARING…I have a mouth like a SAILOR LOL)…I mean D-I-R-T-Y word type of woman. So I attempt to write a COUPLE GOOD ones that he said he wanted me to SEND, so I did. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up gang…I used words I don’t like to even say out loud LOL (heck my kid calls it a pee pee..get the idea now LOL). So now that I have overcome my FEAR of writing the “DIRTY” words, I gotta ask myself what the point was in that lesson. I mean if he’s NOT even reading them…I could have done without the lessons LOL.

Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm so how do I deal with this…I mean do I keep sending the letters? Do I just forget it? I mean it was my THERAPY now wasn’t it. I guess if he doesn’t want too or CAN’T read them (oh wait maybe they are too hard for him to read…I mean maybe he MISSES me MORE if he reads them…oh good angle, lets go with that one LOL). I guess if the point was THERAPY for me, then I should keep writing them…and maybe he’ll eventually start reading them. Thanks for letting me vent a bit…too bad I didn’t type enough to FIND the answer LOL. Keep sending your letters everyone they really do NEED to read them even if they DON’T want too all the time. Have a great week-end.

Eating at the table

Ok so we all grew up with DINNER and real utensils on the dinner table. And everyone around it yelling at once, and most of the time we’d manage to quiet down to say our prayers before dinner. Well that’s the image we all grew up with as kids and what we thought it would always be right? Then we became teenagers and got so busy in school and activates and dating, that dinner was usually waiting in the microwave for us when we got home…but mom or dad still sat down with us right? Well I’m here to tell you I am a lousy mom. I mean I cook SOMETHING for them every night….well I mean there’s something here for them every night even if its microwave SOMETHING they throw in themselves. OMG I suck. My mom was the queen of taking 3 ingredients and making a casserole for dinner and 95% of the time they were good. Holy crap I don’t dirty pans if I can help it. Oh my I stink…my mom would crap herself if she TRULY knew what I‘d become.

So you’re all asking where this “DOSE OF REALITY” came from for me today aren’t you? Well my babies (KD and Seth) asked me to get them French fries from McDonalds today for lunch and I thought hhhhmmmmm well its just the 3 of us, and payday is tomorrow, everyone has diapers, and milk and waffles for breakfast, so ok, lets go. Well I undercut them by going to Bojangles (it was so much closer for me LOL). And we came home with our food in tow to eat. Well I started to set them up at the coffee table and turn on Nick and they are like “NO we want to eat at THAT table.” OMG the kitchen table? What for…we NEVER eat there…well I don’t anyway LOL. So being the mom that I am I said ok, and set them up. They looked at me with those cute little puppy dog eyes and I realized OMG they expect me to sit here too. Wait we only do this for HOLIDAYS LOL. So I do what all moms with those looks do…I sat…NOT happily, but I sat none the less.

We had the best meal of my entire life. I laughed, and they talked to me and to each other, and the most amazing thing happened….NO ONE spilled ANYHING for me to clean up. When they were done eating, they said ok lets go take nap. Holy crap does this “Family Togetherness” thing ROCK. I think I may MAKE dinner tonight and sit at the table with everyone. I will keep ya all updated. But personally if you aren’t a TABLE DWELLER at mealtime…become one, it was worth it to see those FAMILY VALUES we were all raised with in ACTION today. Have a great dinner everyone.

So today is Tuesday

We all know that Football game day is HARD on us. I miss him more than any other day on Tuesday. I miss his voice, I miss smile, I miss his lazy butt waiting till the last minute to rush out the door…and still make it on time.

I talked to a friend (Twila) of mine today, and she said I sounded Positive on my blog. I guess that’s good…I mean it is kinda what I was going for. I can tell you that today I am so NOT positive. I haven’t had a good conversation with him (really since he left…but for what we COULD term as good right now) since last week. I know that every day I get to bed with out a car pulling up to tell me something has happened to him is a good day. But NOT hearing from him is MISERABLE. I can’t breathe when I don’t hear his voice. This is so hard to try and plug through every single day without him. I can tell you that the next time I wish him away will be the day I know our life is NORMAL again. I would give ANYTHING to have him here today.

You know what I find the hardest about this whole thing? Well there are several but at the moment its people who have NO IDEA what you are going through and don’t know how you feel (it makes depressed days hard). People who have gone through deployments before and say they understand but secretly are Thanking God its not them again, and really are too busy to understand (I know I was this way once with a friend). And finally those people who I know have it worse than I do, and I‘m complaining (makes me feel guilty that I am upset ya know). My heart is broken today, and I am so lost. But here’s the downside to ME…I don’t want to call my friends and family and cry all the time or someone will tell me I’m depressed and need meds. I am NOT that depressed. Don’t get me wrong I am depressed but thats NORMAL right? I mean the pressure is almost unbearable some days. I don’t want to pay the bills anymore, and I don’t want to do EVERYTHING…but such is life. I mean it could always be worse couldn’t it? God is that a scary thought...worse than how I feel today? OMGosh.

I guess what scares me the most when I feel this SAD is how many tears am I allowed to cry before I am NOT normal. I mean can I cry every Tuesday till football season ends or not? Who sets that “LEVEL” for us, I mean I don’t want to be depressed but I want to know its ok to cry as often as I need too. Gosh this is so hard. The Navy should issue us manuals so we KNOW what to do, and what to FEEL. I mean hell they issue our husbands everything else now don’t they LOL. I know when I post this blog all my friends will immediately say “Oh she’s having a MELT DOWN.” But I’m not, honest just a bad day. By the time the football game is over I will be 1 day closer to the end of the season, and 1 day closer to him coming home. So don’t fret gang, I am really ok, I am just SAD today.

Can you hide?

So sometimes no matter how hard you try to work through something or avoid something, it jumps up and smacks you right square in the face. Today I worked like a dog, moving beds, and picking up and whatever really needed done here. And at the end of the day I realized I didn’t accomplish a whole lot. Then I started thinking that I miss my husband. I mean not all the big stuff, but the little things. Like for example tomorrow night my oldest has a football game, and Mack has a “STRINGS” meeting at the same time. I can’t be both places at once so I end up screwing one of the kids. I mean not that there’s really a choice I have to be at the football game because I drive 3 or 4 of the kids regularly so they are all in need of a ride….but in doing that I can’t get to the meeting. I don’t know how single mothers do this. I need a break, I need him here.

I don’t mind that he goes off to fight for what he believes in, actually I am immensely proud of him for doing it, but I need help. I think the military should issue us nanny’s to pick up the slack. I can get over the lack of sex and even adult communication, but OMG do I want a break…I want to pee by myself or just shave my legs without having to stay up till midnight to be able to do it. There are only about 6 months to go, I know somewhere I will find the strength to do this, but I’m tired of being the taxi, and the person who runs for milk to the gas station because I forgot to pick it up during the day, and now we’re almost out. I am tired of doing all the cooking and all the cleaning, and all the baths, and I‘m tired of being the one they are mad at all the time. I want someone else to do it….I want him here to help me do it, I want them to be mad at him once in awhile.

Ok so now that the rant is out of the way, I can tell you that a good cry was in order. So about 100 tears later and a big broken heart (nope he didn’t call tonight so I had to explain that to the kids too), I am ready to start over tomorrow. I can tell you that as soon as he comes home I am NOT going to the damn gas station for milk, nor am I driving to EITHER school again until NEXT fall…LOL. Well at least that’s the plan tonight. So I guess the lesson of this blog is you just can’t run and hide no matter how hard you try….sometimes you just have to cry, and realize tomorrow will have to be better. Night gang.

30 days in...

Well this family actually made it 1 month since hubby left. There have many, many lonely, sad, and down right miserable days, but we did it…and at the moment the check book balances still.....which is a plus in hubby’s eyes LOL. Anyway I have spent the past month looking for that one thing that would help my kids count down the days without being too taxing on me emotionally. I mean the Kisses every night in a jar was cool, except I have 4 kids do you realize that would be like 840+ pieces of candy…OMG that is a nightmare waiting to happen for a wife on a diet LOL. Then there was the paper chain activity, well it seemed like a great idea, but the thought of having paper all over my house, no, I couldn’t do it, I mean I worked too hard to be a GOOD HOUSEKEEPER LOL. So after a month of thinking about it I came up with an idea. We would celebrate every MONTH we made it without killing each other.

So today I got a cake and 7 candles (this will be an issue if hubby stays longer than 7 months but we’ll worry about that then). We lit 6 of the candles to symbolize the 6 months we have left to MAKE it without our HERO. Then in 30 more days I will buy another cake and we’ll light 5 candles but we’ll leave the 7 to REMIND us how far we’ve come TOGETHER.

So I guess the MORAL of this blog would be to FIND what works for YOU. Whatever it is that helps you as an INDIVIDUAL or as a FAMILY to get though a separation then GO FOR IT…and above all remember to SMILE, it does help.

Recipe for a Navy Wife

1 ½ cup of Patience
1 cup of Courage
1 ¼ cups of Tolerance
Dash of Adventure
1 pound of Ability

With above Ingredients, add 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease.
Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears.
Pour off Excess Fat
Sprinkle ever so lightly with money.
Knead dough till payday.
Season with International spices.

Bake 20 years until done. Serve with Pride.

So I have this recipe hanging on a beautiful cutting board on my wall in my kitchen. Hubby bought it for me last year at this time. Ya know he was finally ACTIVE duty and we had access on the base to a beautiful craft shop. Ok so lets look at this recipe. Lets pull it apart for so understanding here: 1 ½ cup of Patience (NEVER had any of this). 1 cup of Courage ( um well I SOMETIMES have this…ONLY when necessary though). 1 ¼ cups of Tolerance (oh yeah this would be another one of those attributes I have lacked forever). Dash of Adventure (well I do have this ingredient…I so love to travel and see things and oh yeah spend money LOL). 1 pound of Ability (apparently I have proven to myself in the past month that I have ability but didn’t know it before he deployed). 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease (as a mom I have MORE than 2 TBSP…LOL). Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears (currently living this one). Pour off Excess Fat (weight watchers is helping out with this one LOL). Sprinkle ever so lightly with money…Knead dough till payday (yep LIGHTLY…did ya see that one…LIGHTLY with money…NEVER enough). Season with International spices (well maybe when he gets home…I mean he is in ANOTHER country…whoo hooo counting down the days till I can add those SPICES LOL). Bake 20 years until done (well we are over 14 years so we are on the way to completing this step). Serve with Pride (well hopefully Shayne is proud of me when he gets home and sees that I DID IT).

I’m not sure I am a TRADITIONAL Navy Wife but ya know what, I don’t care, all I want to be is myself. I want my husband to worship the ground I walk on, and spend TONS of money on me, and be proud of everything I do. Those things with him by my side would be the things that make up my RECIEPE for a Navy Wife. Guess NOT everyone knows how to make changes to recipes to have them work with their lives but we are working on it. I hope everyone looks at what society demands of us as WOMEN, WIVES, MOTHERS, and LEADERS and knows that we are all doing the BEST we can do, even if its NOT what the RECIPE called for originally. Good luck finding your recipe to life.

Good Days CAN happen

My post today on Military Mom’s message board got me thinking. That I NEED to be more THANKFUL for what I have instead of sitting here mourning what I don’t. I mean I am LOST that my husband is gone. He truly is my heart, and the love of my life. I miss his handsome face, and the fact that he farts on my couch while I’m sitting in the same room. I even miss Bubba Burgers (that is so a story for another blog LOL). But I know that I can’t spend every waking moment LOST in my pain and frustration of having to be IN CHARGE. I have spent days worrying that I am doing the bills wrong, or not moving FRIEDA (that’s his beautiful RED MUSTANG) enough, and this morning when I woke I realized it DOESN’T matter if I’m doing it right, as long as the bills are paid on time, and the account isn’t overdrawn, then I’m ok. I know there’s a credit card for emergencies so I am truly fine. Today was probably the first day in a MONTH that I KNEW I was ok.

I missed shopping with him today, as he truly is a hoot. But I took the babies (well they are my babies at 2 and 3 yrs old) to McDonalds to play and they had a blast. I bought Seth a pair of Spiderman PJ pants because he is so into the SUPERHEROS. KD got a doll and she had to have Dora Underwear LOL. I then went and got Hubby a couple things for his upcoming boxes. I know that he’s not the easiest to buy for because he really doesn’t want ANYTHING but I feel better if I send stuff I think he needs…LOL So I got him some magazines he really wants, and got some more pictures of the kids and I have a video of my oldest sons football game to send him this week-end, as well as a PRESENT from me LOL no hints there gang sorry. But in a month he’ll have something to smile about too. So I went to the “GROWN UP GIRLS” store today…OMG I felt OLD…I didn’t realize ½ that stuff existed LOL. However Shayne if you’re reading this I did manage to spend a couple dollars…LOL.

I asked him the other night if he was TRULY ok, and to not just give me lip service. He told me it was a routine now, and except for missing me and the kids, he was ok. That it was only 23 more weeks (sounds much better than 162+ days doesn’t it LOL). I guess the only way to face this SEPERATION is head on, when I have the strength and when I don’t I need to cry a few minutes, take a nap and then start all over from a different angle. I love him and miss him horribly but today I am ok, which leaves me hope that maybe there will be MORE good days in the future. Until then I am just gonna enjoy today. Hope everyone else is having a nice day too.

Laundry?

Where does it all come from? I mean there maybe 5 of us here right now but (go with me for a minute here) that’s only 5 outfits and 5 towels a day right (on average). So how in 2 days can I have 6 loads of laundry when we know that 14 towels makes a load. I guess it GROWS. I mean it must. Every week I do ALL the laundry…except for the outfits we are wearing (5 right?). Then the next morning I AMAZINGLY have 3 loads of laundry. Now come on how does it grow? Are the sticking SOMETHING in the laundry detergent that works like MIRACLE-GROW? I can not figure it out.

So today as I folded clothes I LOOKED closely at WHOSE stuff I had. I have taken 4 piles to the boys room. These would be the kids who wouldn’t bathe if I didn’t make them. I mean if they have a 4 day week-end I think they wear the same underwear from Thursday night…yeah I know gross LOL. But my point is how in 2 days can they have 4 PILES of clothes for me to wash, dry, fold and since they are both YOUNGER versions of their dad…probably put the stuff away too. Then as if that wasn’t enough I had 4 PILES of towels…ok I’m not gonna even make an issue here because I am a towel hog, and I hate to have to hang a towel to dry and re use it…so we’ll move beyond the towels. But I have taken 6 piles of clothes to my younger kids room….½ of which I know were CLEAN not once by TWICE already (and even this I can over look as they are 2 and 3 so they think dressing up is fun). I took my piddly pile of clothes to my bedroom….and I have 7 things ( I still have whites to wash so I have more LOL) but 7 items in my room to put away. So reading this, I can guarantee you except for towels, I am the LAUNDRY culprit here. I think that Osten , Mackenzie, and I are coming to a meeting of the minds here. There CAN NOT be this much laundry in this house.

Can you imagine how miserable it would be if we were back in “Laura Ingles Wilder Days” I mean no Maytag to hurry the process along….and those nails we are all trying to grow while hubby is deployed…well they’d be nonexistent now wouldn’t they LOL. So I guess I have a couple options here. I can be Mommy Dearest and rant and rave about the NEVER ENDING pile of LAUNDRY or I can grin and bear it and know that someday their kids will get even with them LOL. I think I’m gonna go with the later one and bide my time and then I’m gonna LMAO. Hope ya all don’t have as much laundry as I did today. Happy Washing gang....I was just looking at my past blogs...um ya think I have some HOUSE CLEANING GUILT setting in LOL. Guess I better get my rear in gear and get to CLEANING.

Who lives in your house?

Ok so I was reading my friend Peggy’s blog yesterday about her hubby not actually ever being in their new apartment and it got me thinking about who lives in my house. Now realistically I know my husband is coming home (soon I hope) and that everything will have to go back the way it was. But at what point does that kitchen cupboard, or the master bathroom become yours? I mean I have my own space and things I actually call "MINE" even if my kids don't agree LOL.

See my husband OWNS the master bathroom, and the closet in there. He also has a corner cupboard in my kitchen where he stores all his granola and oatmeal. So what’s changed? Well he deployed, and I started cleaning a few things up...well not cleaning but rearranging because I got to look in places I hadn't looked in for a year. That corner cupboard is HUGE. OMG I can't believe he actually packs it with like "GOOD FOOD" do you know how many bags of Honey BBQ chips I could hide in that cupboard? Holy cow. Then I realized that the toilet in the master bathroom stays CLEAN if hubby isn't in there 100 times a day. Its actually white LOL. Now I did look in the bathroom closet and if I cleaned it out it would be a decent closet. But as it stands now its a great place to put all his MILITARY GEAR. Its never lost that way.

So anyway back to the topic of my blog. I realized that my husband was actually NOT living here for the time being when I opened "HIS" cupboard and found my splenda, and my weight watcher 2pt snack bars, oh and cream of wheat...and other stuff that would NEVER be in there if he was actually LIVING here LOL. So here's what I figure. If he wants to RETAIN any of the spaces that he calls HIS, then he will have to FIGHT me for them. Because I live here, so possession being like 9/10ths of the law and all...I guess that makes the cupboard MINE now....LOL. And since we're on the topic of acquiring possessions Shayne, your son and daughter think that they ONLY sleep on your side of the bed. So guess you'll be fighting me for the toilet, cupboard, and MUSTANG, and Seth and KD for the bed LOL. You are missed honey, but I do LOVE the cupboard.

To clean or not to clean?

So here's the deal...Before hubby deployed I had an I'm LAZY phase on my house cleaning (yeah a bit of depression and such...LOL) but the ORIGINAL game plan was to CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN everything as soon as he left. So we're almost a month in and NONE of the HUGE cleaning I wanted to do is done. Sad I know but such is life for me right now I guess.

I think part of the main issue is that there's NO REAL SCHEDULE. I mean except for getting the kids, to school the babies fed, and put down for naps, and the general cleaning, then picking them up from their activities, doing dinner, homework, baths and then bedtime...Where on that list of "DAILIES" is there any time to actually do MAJOR cleaning? There really isn't.

However the point of this blog is to REMIND myself that even though hubby isn't coming home every night that I can't let this place go. I mean my house is an "everything has a place...Put it in it" type of house. But I can tell you the past two days I have been a dog with cleaning. I just DON'T want to do it. No I'm not depressed...I just don't see the need too. Why? Oh yeah there's NO SCHEDULE. Hubby isn't coming home, my kids don't care if all the laundry or dishes are done. However in my "flu/cold sickness" I have going on today I am looking around this house and well, I care. I have 5 or 6 loads of laundry and dishes to do, and a kitchen floor to scrub, and OMG we aren't even gonna discuss the toilets that need cleaned LOL.

So where does that leave me? I gather that the GROWN-UP side of me says to get my lazy rear moving and get this house cleaned. However the I wanna be a "COUCH POTATO" side of me says he won't be home till Spring so that means just SURFACE cleaning...whoo hooo. Guess that being said I gather its time to get on a REAL schedule and get some CLEANING done and be a grown-up. Gosh if that isn't depressing LOL. Till tomorrow everyone get "CLEANING."

“Hurry up and WAIT”

OMG for sure if you are in the military or married to someone in the military you know what this phrase means. I sat here this evening waiting. Oh yeah waiting for an email. Now I know the man is calling on Sunday right…so I don’t have to sit and wait for the phone to ring. That’s great but tonight I waited on an email. OMG go figure.

Let me tell ya what I have decided about “Hurry up and WAIT” its EVERYWHERE. I mean if you’re a mom you are always HURRYING them along to get ready, to get moving, to finish homework, and to get dressed after the football game and in the car ASAP…..BUT we end up WAITING. OMG do we WAIT. Who takes 30 minutes to remove a football uniform? Then we have potty training. Another “Hurry up and WAIT” thing in life. Do I even need to explain this one…NOPE ya all know it stinks. I guess I could go on and on listing all the “Hurry up and WAIT” moments in my life but realized I would probably EXCEED the bandwidth allowed for my blog so I thought maybe I could list a few things that DON’T fall into this category.

So THINKING…….STILL thinking….and hhhhhhmmmmmm yet STILL thinking. So after sitting her for a good 30 minutes I have decided that this whole “Hurry up and WAIT” attitude of our military life so shouldn’t one surprise me and two shock me I mean that is my life right? So if that’s the case why do I find this mentality so HARD to accept with regards to ORDERS, PCS movers, planes to arrive, I mean again the list could go on couldn’t it now? LOL. Do we do this to ourselves? I mean do we set ourselves up to be NUTS? Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm maybe. Maybe in the overall scheme of things we really are NUTS? No, there’d be way TOO many of us NOT on meds to explain it that way. So what does that leave? I mean do we need to just have SOMETHING to yell about? Or is it a way to FOCUS our fear of the unknown elsewhere (oh that’s too Psychologically deep for me tonight to even process…LOL) so we’re gonna go with I’m NUTS tonight LOL and I am ANGRY that there is NOTHING I am in control of sometimes in life. Back to the ORIGINAL thought of EVERYTHING being “Hurry up and WAIT” in my life.

Guess I better find away to accept this attitude in my life and stop complaining about it or hell I may need meds and therapy LOL. No that’s its I’m gonna EMBRACE this, and smile….yeah JUST as soon as he has ORDERS so I can PRETEND I know when he’s coming HOME LOL. Anyway gang, hang in there, I just wanted you all to know you aren’t ALONE in this “Hurry up and WAIT” thing we call LIFE.