I hate feeling this way, I hate pretending its a good day, when its not. I hate that people can't understand (its not their fault they haven't lived it). I hate that this gets minimized and put in little boxes for everyone else. This is my life, and this week its been WILD. I feel like its so turned upside down. It's not really, I mean its just lonely.
Ya know I have said it before and I'll say it again, its not the big stuff you miss (its not even the sex although that sucks too LOL) it's the little things they do when they are home. He would have mowed the yard this week-end for me while the boys and I were busy running. He would keep KD and wait for Seth to get off the bus while I ran the boys back and forth to the HS for conditioning. Now I can take them all, and I can grab Seth an hour early, but OMG do I miss him.
I miss him more when I know that there is "shit" going on down there and I can't help him. I miss him when I know that "they" get better treatment/protection than the military men/women do. I hate that I have NO CONTROL over any of this...not even my emotions this week.
Yep its all part of the job, and yep it will be over soon, and yep, yep, yep....I swear to you it doesn't make it any better. There truly is NOTHING anyone can say to make me feel like this is FIXED. But I will survive and I will work thru this week like I did the last one, and the one before that. He'll be home sooner than later, and realistically I know that, today it just seem so very far away.
I hope that today you all take one second...just one second to look at your significant other and say or even think "thank you" for loving me and for being here, because when they aren't and you can't say it, its really, really hard...and honestly we all forget to be grateful for our lives. So my challenge to you is (thanks Aaron for reminding me with your note) to find the beauty in your lives and your relationships. Hopfeully tomorrow brings me a few more smiles than today, but I will keep on going...its my job.
4 comments:
Oh sister, I hear you. Not every day is going to be a good day. Not even the strongest military wife can wear that smile all the time, and you know what? That's ok! You deserve to feel what you feel and to know that there are those of us who do understand and appreciate every minute of what you are going through. I'm here if you need to vent. You know that! (((HUGS))
Rock on sista friend. I know that when someone is hurting or having a hard time of it I really want to reach out and try and comfort them. Sometimes it is not the right time.
Early on in my life as an adult I realized that there is beauty in all emotion. I remember going to sleep at night wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I remember the equisite feeling of pain from the lonliness/confusion that I perceived in my life. The emotion was so very explicit and almost tangible. I realized it was like being in the right place at the right time. And there in lies the beauty...at least for me.
I still try and comfort...the nurturer in me always wants to...but now I feel as though I understand that it doesnt have to try and be 'fixed' right away or that is even any of my business.
Over the past twenty years since we parted my love for you and your family has not died...I just wasn't practicing it.
I wish I lived close to help out but I am continually impressed with my fellow veteran's spouses. The trials they fight through and the strength they disply, that YOU display touches me.
Cheers to you.
Thanks gang for the kind words. I don't always feel as strong as I like to think I am. But I am ok, I am working thru it today. If tears helped it, then it would be worth crying but the worse part is, I wipe the tears and still feel bad, so this evening I CHOOSE to feel better, and hopefully I can do that MIND over MATTER thingy that Peggie and I always laugh about when we're sick LOL
You are so right. We all take for granted the people who are constant in our lives - thank you for reminding us how important they are. I hope your husband gets home safely and soon xxx
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