When all else fails

to FIX it...what do you do? Well I took a bath, and some cold medicine, and unplugged the phone. Didn't FIX the loneliness, or the worry, but I did get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep so thats good.

Tonight when I talked to Shayne he sounded tired, bored, unhappy. I sent him on a SHOPPING mission. I told him that I didn't get great Christmas presents the least he could do was send me flowers, tea from China, or something by far more romantic to celebrate Valentines Day. Which he so HATES....he says it is a Hallmark holiday...LOL. But last night he and one of the "GIRLS" (I love those three women (and the few men) he works with on nights, they are great)....anyway he and one of 'em were looking for something UNIQUE. So I am excited, to see what they come up with.

The night shift gang is a topic for another blog, but a rough background on them is that they call themselves the "A Team" and when Shayne was looking at going to days,(because NIGHTS were killing him) they were crushed. So for the past 4+ months he has been on nights, so the TEAM could stay together, and they sure are a crew.....They actually just lost one of their little team mates, he got to board his plane and head onto the next mission...so Good Luck "Shrek" you will be missed. Oh, and your DIRECTIONS to get to my DESTINATION in January ROCKED...I didn't get lost at all, and I sent him back in a good mood..LOL...Thanks so much.


Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to...lets see...remind me of what? Oh yeah, that I dont' know how to fix it,but I do know how to get through it....wanna know? You get through it one day, one moment, one second at a time, and when those moments are over, you move onto the next ones...until FINALLY the end is in site, and your HERO calls and says "the plane lands tomorrow."

Its ALMOST over

well great...I should be DANCING naked or something right? Well ALMOST in military sense is something completely different than what Websters Dictionary and the rest of the CIVILIZED word defines it. I mean for me its 46 more days....not a lot right? But we still have NO ORDERS to OFFICIALLY tell us he'll be home. So everytime Shayne says "honey its ALMOST over" I wanna throw up. I mean ALMOST is nowhere near close enough to make me feel better tonight.

I miss him so much still today that it hurts, I mean Oh My Gosh my heart is still BROKEN. I get through the days (and nights) ok, but I constantly feel as though I am MISSING something, and I am. I am missing my husband, my best friend, the love of my life. There is TRULY a hole in my heart since he's been gone.

I was reading an article today that a very kind hearted, and brave military wife was saying that her husband was finally coming home, after 2 extensions. OMG I will lose my ever loving mind if he gets extended. I can't imagine counting the days/weeks/months/seasons whatever you count to find out IT IS NEVER ENDING. Holy crap I can't even imagine being that BRAVE. Oh well I am surviving, and at this point in the deployment I think thats all I'm supposed to be doing. I miss him so much, BUT "It's ALMOST over" at least thats his story and he's sticking to it LOL.

Fifty Ways To Love Your Partner

I found this in my Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul and this wonderful story is written by Mark & Chrissy Donnelly. When I read it I KNEW it was the checklist I needed in my life....check it our for yourself. I am putting the ones We've done in BOLD, and ya know MOST I learned during this deployment.


1. Love yourself first.
2. Start each day with a hug.
3. Serve breakfast in bed.
4. Say "I love you" every time you part ways.
5. Compliment freely and often.
6. Appreciate - and celebrate - your differences.
7. Live each day as if it's your last.
8. Write unexpected love letters.
9. Plant a seed together and nuture it to maturity.
10 Go on a date once every week.
11 Send flowers for no reason. (to him I sent BOXES)
12 Accept and love each others' family and friends.
13 Make little signs that say "I love you" and post them all over the house.
14 Stop and smell the roses.
15 Kiss unexpectedly. (learned this one our 96 hours together)
16 Seek out beautiful sunsets together.
17 Apologize sincerely.
18 Be forgiving.
19 Remember the day you fell in love -- and recreate it. (didn't recreate it but we talked about it TOGETHER)
20 Hold hands. (learned this one on our 96 hours together too)
21 Say "I love you" with your eyes.
22 Let her cry in your arms. (he's done this forever)
23 Tell him you understand.
24 Drink toasts of love and contentment.
25 Do something arousing.
26 Let her give you directions when you're lost.
27 Laugh at his jokes.
28 Appreciate her inner beauty.
29 Do the other person's chores for a day. (months I've done his chores LOL)
30 Encourage wonderful dreams.
31 Committ a public display of affection. (again learned this on our 96 hours together)
32 Give loving massages with no strings attached.
33 Start a love journal and record your special moments. (this is it)
34 Calm each other's fears.
35 Walk barefoot on the beach together.
36 As her to marry you again.
37 Say yes.
38 Respect each other.
39 Be your partner's biggest fan.
40 Give the love your partner wants to receive.
41 Give the love you want to receive.
42 Show interest in the other's work.
43 Work on a project together. (we have 4 kids...thats A LOT of projects LOL)
44 Build a fort with blankets.
45 Swing as high as you can on a swing set by moonlight.
46 Have a picnic indoors on a rainy day.
47 Never go to bed mad.
48 Put your partner first in your prayers.
49 Kiss each other goodnight.
50 Sleep like spoons.

So guess I should have made the ones I NEED to do bold LOL. Oh, well if I didn't know we LOVED each other before this list, I do know. He is my hero, and my best friend. I can't wait to FINISH this list when he gets home. Thank you baby for being my lover, and my friend...be safe where you are today, and I'll hold down the home front till you get here.

The end draws near

or so we hope. Shayne should be released from his TOUR of DUTY on March 17th, and I am so excited. But I am now onto a whole new set of worries (well not new but never the less).

What if the loneliness or independance I have acquired doesn't go away...I don't mean go away completely, but I mean what if we don't get back to US. I miss us so much. I want our life back.

Today the weather was beautiful. Sun, clear sky, and it was 65 degrees, I started up Freida and she ran amazingly. I can't wait to see her leaving the driveway again with my handsome husband in her. I can tell you the closer it gets to spring and him coming home the more scared (thats so NOT proper English LOL) I get.

I want so badly for him to be proud of me, and what if he isn't? I mean what if he is pissed about the credit card. I mean it is only money. I was wrong to spend as much as I did, but can't change that now. I guess what I should worry about is if I am PROUD of myself. And today, as I watched my handsome son play his trombone in County Honors Band, I was amazed that I have done everything that I have in the past 4 months. I know I am stronger, and braver, but I am so lonely. I love him more now than I ever though possible. I guess that if thats all I get out of this deployment than I should be greatful. I know he's changed, and hopefully it is truly all for the good.

I know he loves us more than he knew he did, and I know I am his BEST FRIEND. But is this enough? Guess we'll see. I know that I have missed him so much, and my life is empty w/o him. Not that my kids are amazing, they are. But I don't want to be w/o Shayne. I thought as the end drew nearer, that the fears would turn into excitement, but he's still so far away from me right now, that I can't seem to get over the distance yet. 48 more days...I think thats all. I can do this. Hope this finds you all well, I know its a bit disjointed, but I am feeling that way today sorry gang.

When do the TESTS stop?

Ok so for those of you reading my SAGA over the past few months you know I have had a FEW big tests in my life. But this week's has truly been the hardest. Let me first remind you that I had my 96 hours with hubby 2 weeks ago LOL, and the first sex I've had in 4+ months. So in all the years of the "monthly visitor" I have rarely, and I do mean rarely been LATE. 2.5 years ago I had my tubes banded after my 4th child. But you see where this is going right? This week's test...I was LATE. Now not a day or two, but 6 (so far) hubby is nervous, and I am not overly excited...I mean I already made the "no more kids" decision. So finally I conceded to getting a darn test.

Oh yeah you want the results? Well one LOOKED like 2 lines, so I cried A LOT, and decided it was so faint that I'd retest this AM, so I did...and only 1 line. I think that officially I can say I am in the SAFE zone, and NOT pregnant. I figure I'll give it till next week to see if I actually start, and if not I'll call my Dr. I mean I know ectopic pregnancies can happen but certainly I should have to worry about this after all these years right?

Anyway, a dear friend of mine on line named Mary said it was just another one of God's test. Hhhhhhmmmmmm ya would think he'd get tired of my crying and begging now wouldn't you and stop testing me during this deployment. But I guess as the saying goes we only get as much as we can handle. Guess I will "hurry up and wait again" and see what happens.

I can do this

I am woman hear me roar LOL. Well maybe not roar, but I can do this. I talked to my dearest love last night and he sounded excellent....even though he was at work. I have been sending him specific links to my blog, so he can CONNECT in a small way to my daily feelings. He was actually heading to the gym this AM for a work out. I know he's holding his own when he is working out.

I have been thinking A LOT recently and just today came to some CALMING moment. If you belive in God I'd say it was my SIGN. My heart still hurts but as the days get closer to the end, I find it the tightness isn't so much a broken heart but the anticipation of seeing Shayne again here in OUR house. I know that although I haven't said much about praying and talking to God through out this deployment, but I can tell you he's heard it all from me. I can tell you I actually had balls enough to beg him in the beginning, and promise him ANYTHING if he'd send him home. I have sense figured out that this was another test in my life. I'm not sure what the test is, I mean it could be a ton of different things:

Can I learn to be more appreciative of my life and the people in it?

Can I NOT put the kids up for adoption LOL if left alone for an extended period (they are all still here, but report cards come out next week LOL...so we'll see)

Can I pay the bills and NOT create new ones (bills are paid but we do have a new one....ooops)

Can I do this?

I think that I have learned that I love my husband and children more than I could have even imagined before this seperation. I do still WANT to keep the kids LOL. And I have learned to do the bills the RIGHT way, not much I can do about my BIG credit card bill except make payments and PRAY for fogiveness LOL from hubby.

And finally, Can I do this? Well I have done it. I mean its not over, I have SEVERAL days left to go, and even though its called the downhill slide, the backside of the deployment, its not truly any easier. All I can tell you is that you learn to ACCEPT your life, whatever it is, and you deal with it. God has helped me though many long, lonely nights, and even if it was to direct me to a site on the internet, or to this blog, I have gotten through them SO FAR. I will contiue to work HARD to get though the rest intact and come out the other side BETTER for this. Guess only time will tell if I truly CAN DO THIS.

I'm sorry....

Not the easiest words to say, especially and mean them. But I owe my darling, brave, hero of a husband an apology. I have been so caught up in my OWN depression, misery, and sheer stupidity to actually truly put his situation first. For example, I had the sheer audacity to be pissy because he was gonna go in with a few guys and rent a house on the other side of the base (for all of $40 bucks total LOL) because they wanted a break, and someplace clean to hang out. So I did what all really GREAT wives do, I lectured, and was what...oh yeah pissy.

Tonight he called, and he sounded tired, and distant...and a bit pissy in his own right. Their house fell through, so the guys were bumming around their pig sty. I can tell you that I count the hours till he calls every time, but tonight I felt like an obligation. Not a good one either. I feel bad I ride him so hard, but its truly because I want him to be even better than he knows he can be. He is an amazing man, and maybe he's a dying breed...ya know honorable, kind, honest, and truly brave. I don't know. But I do know tomorrow when he goes to work, I am going to apologize to him for being a bitch.

I am also going to work harder to be a better wife and mother, because right now as I look back at the last 4 months, and how much I've grown and changed, I also see the BAD things I haven't changed, or even tried to change. So as of this very second, I am on the road to recovery. Knowing is half the battle. I'm sure, the next step is to apologize and move forward. He is my best friend, and recently I can tell you I don't think I have put him first in that category. So honey if you are reading this, I am so sorry. I know it sucks there, and I know every moment you would rather be here with us. So I will TRY harder to be more understanding, as hard as it is there, I want you to know you are appreciated and loved more than anything in the entire world. Be safe my hero.

Only 56 days left

or so we hope. Today my husband's "NEW" boss from the Naval Hospital called me to leave a message for him. Nope they were NOT calling him back early but to find out if there was a different unit he wanted to be assigned too. Maybe if they are calling now he really is going to come home.

I listened to the news last night (not something I usually do if I can help it) but I heard how the trials will be starting soon, and I got nervous that maybe he wouldn't get home when WE think he is supposed to come home LOL but as with any military branch I know we are doing what as military wives...oh yeah "hurry up and WAIT."

He is supposed to call me tonight and I can tell you just sitting here waiting for him to call makes my heart beat out of my chest. Holy crap you'd think I'd be over the whole "BUTTERFLY EFFECT" that as young girls with new loves that we get. But nope, nightly when I wait for him to call I have those butterflies again. OMGosh he is the love of my life.

Funny how this time apart has PROVEN to me that he is all I have ever wanted, and all I ever want. He is handsome, and smart, (a bit selfish and inconsiderate at times) but all in all he makes my heart flutter everyday of my life. I hope when we are 80 and sitting on the front porch with a cup of coffee and the paper, that I still love him as much as I do today.

To dance is to Love

Ok I have been pondering how to blog this story, and I think I came up with it. I wanted it to have all the love, and romance that I felt when it happened. So here goes gang:

I hadn't seen my husband in 4 months (exactly to the day) when he flew into Jacksonville, Florida. OMGosh was I nervous, scared, and excited all at once. I mean this is the man I haven't been away from for more than 2 weeks in the 15 years I have known him. What if he changed...I mean I know I have...and what if he was unhappy that I hadn't lost a ton of weight...I wasn't blonde (our little joke LOL). But I drove the 3 hours to get him. He was AMAZING looking when he got off that darn plane. I mean his shirt was so ugly LOL but he was gorgeous.

So we had rented a room (I took care of having my parents and older kids watching the babies) and I was gonna spend 12 hours+ with ONLY him. Yep it was about sex, and talking, and sex, and touching his face. So after a huge hug and some tears, we headed to the hotel. We talked for about an hour, I smoked a cigarette, and he talked some more...then oh yes the long awaited SEX LOL...which was really great. I had missed him so much. Then we showered and went to dinner (Cuban food...can you imagine LOL). At dinner I said what's wrong honey, and he said he missed me so much and loved me, but he couldn't wait to see the kids. Holy shit that wasn't the response I expected, but it was the response. So I said something I can't even imagine I said..."Do you wanna drive down tonight?" What the hell was I thinking? I mean I so didn't want to share him. I mean he's a FANTASTIC father, and it wasn't a jealously thing...I just wanted him to myself. I have been so lonely. But I saw in his face that he was with me, but still missing his kids, and all the sudden I realized we HAD to go, so we paid the bill, paid for the room (yep only 4 hours for $73 but oh well I've wasted more in the past 4 months), and off we went.

All of the sudden at LPGA Blvd in Daytona, he says pull over right now. So I did, and we pulled into the beautiful parking lot (I can't even tell you where it was, but it was so beautiful). And he looked at me and said "I want to dance with you." I was like what the hell are you talking about, this is NOT us. I mean in all the years we've been together, we have danced maybe one time to the village people YMCA...LOL yep in the earlier drinking days LOL. So I shrug him off, and he's like "I want to dance with my wife."

So out of the car I get, he rolls down both the windows, and blares the radio with Stained playing (not something this Country music girl listens to EVER LOL) but as he pulled me close to him and wrapped his big arms around me, I melted, and sobbed and told him I missed him, and he was the strongest man on the face of the planet. I kept saying "I love you, I missed you so much" and all the sudden my big strong man was quiet and said "I missed my family." For 5 minutes I melted into him, and I realized I was safe, and not alone anymore. I KNEW he loved me, and was NEVER leaving me. I was sure of US....for the first time in 4 months I was 100% sure.

He left 4 days later, and no matter how long he is away from me, I will never as long as I live forget how his arms made me feel safe, secure, and sure of us. He is my hero in every single way. He makes me proud to be his wife and his best friend. Thank you honey for EVERYTHING.

Roller coaster ride

So ya know I am a mom, and a wife, and NUTS obviously. I mean my life is one giant roller coaster. How the hell can I be up and down in the same day? Jesus, I'm not manic depressive or bipolar, no I am just a mom and wife. You'd think after 15 years I'd have the hang of the ups and downs...but NOPE not me, I just gotta learn something new every damn day.

I spent last week with Shayne and 99% of it was excellent but the other minute 1% sucked. He messed up my schedule, was selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate, and certainly inappropriate based on the norms of society. Now on any given day I can forgive that but right now I am just plain pissy. I want him to be fair...Oh my gosh did I say FAIR...when I know NOTHING in life is fair. Holy crap I am nuts.

Ya know in 37 years I can't say there was an instant that I felt strong, and secure in my actions and decisions. So when Shayne deployed all I prayed for (aside from his safety, love, and strength) was to make him, and my kids proud. I feel as though I have fallen short of that. I mean I have done things I would have NEVER done if he hadn't ever left...but somehow it seems minor in comparison to what he's done.

The change in BOTH of us is scary. We are both more independent that we were, not that we weren't independent, but I mean we are more independent of each other. Doesn't bode to well for a happy marriage now does it? I thank God everyday for him and for the strength he has given me, but today I am just plain pissy. I want to start being happy, and proud of myself, but can't seem to find the "THING" to do to make me happy and proud of me. I mean I know I'm a good person, and he swears a good wife and mother, but I'm sure not feeling that way.

What do I need him to say to me to help me? How do I explain this to him so he understands? Will we be able to get beyond the changes in us as individuals and as parents and as a couple when he gets back from the hell this war and the Navy has thrown him into? I guess only time will tell. Till that moment I will continue to pray for the strength to get beyond the uncertainties in my life.

Nope I am not MIA

I actually spent the past week with my darling husband Shayne. He got 96 hours off that darn base, and I drove 13 hours to see him (yeah with 4 kids LOL) but it was worth it. Below you will find some of my great shots of the few days with him.....ONLY 62 more to go then this should be over. Enjoy my pictures.


Three of my boys


My family at the Zoo


Flying a kite...see they NEVER really grow up


KD getting a ride

Where have I been?

Ya know I started blogging because it made me feel better, and it does. Then I got caught up in shopping and wrapping and all the other crap that you get caught up in at the holidays, and just didn't get on to blog. See even excuses here now huh LOL.

Anyway tonight I was sitting here, waiting again...such is my life at the moment for a phone call I don't think is coming tonight. I know when he doesn't call its for some stupid reason and you would think after 3.5 months of this that I'd quit getting mad, upset, scared wouldn't you? Well I haven't, and I don't foresee it changing.

I love my husband, and I get to see him next week for a 96 hour leave. 96 hours...its not very much time when I have to share him with the kids and traveling back and forth, but I'd take 3 hours at this point. I miss him so much, and although I am truly anxious to see him, I am a bit scared too. I mean I am only 22 lbs less than when he left and on a big girl that's not even noticeable ya know. I wanted to floor him when he got home and be skinny...not exactly something I've been in the past 14 years. What if he gets off the plane and doesn't like what he sees AGAIN....I mean separation allows your mind to envision what it wants, and not what is. Hhhhhhhhmmmmm I wonder if I'll have the same problems with how I see him?

Oh well time will only tell. I haven't been blogging but I have tried to get on and write in the book I am working on since he left. I officially am over the 150 page mark. Boy who know I had so much to say about one topic LOL. Anyway I will get back into blogging again regularly, it can only help...but for now I am heading to bed to wait for that elusive phone call tonight.