Roller coaster ride

So ya know I am a mom, and a wife, and NUTS obviously. I mean my life is one giant roller coaster. How the hell can I be up and down in the same day? Jesus, I'm not manic depressive or bipolar, no I am just a mom and wife. You'd think after 15 years I'd have the hang of the ups and downs...but NOPE not me, I just gotta learn something new every damn day.

I spent last week with Shayne and 99% of it was excellent but the other minute 1% sucked. He messed up my schedule, was selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate, and certainly inappropriate based on the norms of society. Now on any given day I can forgive that but right now I am just plain pissy. I want him to be fair...Oh my gosh did I say FAIR...when I know NOTHING in life is fair. Holy crap I am nuts.

Ya know in 37 years I can't say there was an instant that I felt strong, and secure in my actions and decisions. So when Shayne deployed all I prayed for (aside from his safety, love, and strength) was to make him, and my kids proud. I feel as though I have fallen short of that. I mean I have done things I would have NEVER done if he hadn't ever left...but somehow it seems minor in comparison to what he's done.

The change in BOTH of us is scary. We are both more independent that we were, not that we weren't independent, but I mean we are more independent of each other. Doesn't bode to well for a happy marriage now does it? I thank God everyday for him and for the strength he has given me, but today I am just plain pissy. I want to start being happy, and proud of myself, but can't seem to find the "THING" to do to make me happy and proud of me. I mean I know I'm a good person, and he swears a good wife and mother, but I'm sure not feeling that way.

What do I need him to say to me to help me? How do I explain this to him so he understands? Will we be able to get beyond the changes in us as individuals and as parents and as a couple when he gets back from the hell this war and the Navy has thrown him into? I guess only time will tell. Till that moment I will continue to pray for the strength to get beyond the uncertainties in my life.