One day at a time....

.....that's how Shayne is getting thru. At least that was our conversation this AM. He is doing fine, and I know he'll be ok (much better than last week-end). But I heard him this time say "I get thru it one day at a time," and I felt a tug on my heart strings, because that's how I got thru the last one. But this time...although I am still getting thru one day at a time, its been so much easier on me. Like the right now I have 100 things we have to get done before school lets out in two weeks, so although my heart misses him so much and it hurts to breathe with out him here, I don't have time to wallow in it. OMG that sounds heartless, but I can't...I just can't be as "lost and depressed" as I was the last time.

I worry about him and his "mental" state with where he is and the type of "issues" he deals with, but I know he's ok, and every moment he gets thru is one day closer to getting back to us. I can't imagine, nor do I really want too, what it is he is living. But this time he's doing much better being involved in the kids lives, and actually listening to them.

Deployments suck for anyone and everyone, but they are a downfall to the job, and its just that it's a job. We'll see it thru and hopefully on the other side get a couple years uninterrupted before the next one. However deployments have this underlying POSITIVE thing for so many of us, if we can just SEE the END before we get there. For those of us left at home, we can do the IMPROVEMENTS we want, but they hate LOL cause we'll they aren't here LOL. We can pay bills the way we want, we can go to the places they don't like because they aren't here, and we can IMPROVE ourselves. We can look DEEP inside and heal the past problems or short comings that we have and we can be better individuals.

So how you face a deployment makes all the difference in your life. Time goes only so fast, and the emotions run hot and cold every moment of every day, but it doesn't have to be an "end of life as you know it" situation. You can chose to thrive during a deployment and fix yourself and the stuff around you till they come home. And for me, although its TECHNICALLY one day at a time, even one hour at a time. We're a different crew TOGETHER this time...and Shayne well we can't fix it for him, but I can tell you he is so very PROUD of how we are doing, and what we are doing to keep OUR life on the course we picked so many years ago.

Lost....

....in thought most of the time. Some day's its good, some day's its bad, but most of the time, its just what it is. I wished I was a person who could say "OM Gosh this AMAZING epiphany came over me today and I um solved a crisis." But nope I am just an ordinary married woman with kids.

Yesterday was a tough day for me....and I actually can say I had my very first melt down (thank God I was alone on the cell phone with my dear sister in law Terri). Now like every thing so far in military life I survived, and the situation worked itself out. Shayne is fine, the kids are doing fine, and me, well I worked THRU the wall (yep runners sorry it exists in real life too...oh how I remember that 3rd turn back straight a way by the last light post...Thanks dad for always being over there). So here I am on the cusp of a new day (waiting for the sun to come up) and I am reevaluating where I see myself.

Some days I feel like [insert kids' name here] mom, or Shayne's wife, or PTA board member. But I am not always sure who I am. So when Shayne called last night and I got my tears out (whew hate the phone service and deployments), I realized that I am NOT only the above listed, I am me, and that I am a good person. I just need to believe in myself more. I find it amazing that my husband and kids believe more in me than I do most of the time. I gotta ask myself if I've been like this forever or if I ever had the confidence to be who I am? My dear friend Aaron would say I was always too hard on myself and I sold myself short, and looking back I gotta wonder if that's true.

I am on the road to recovery....on a strict WW regime, I am working out (slowly building up), and I am blogging again, and writing (someday I'll be brave enough to TRY and get stuff published...not there yet Melanie I'm trying though) and I am taking care of me. I guess that "baby steps" are the way to go. I have to believe in me, instead of just worrying about everyone else. And when I got the chance to talk to Shayne about this, he was like "honey you can do it." Just a short sentence that was the LIGHT BULB to my THOUGHTS recently. I know I can get thru this deployment, I have before (SSDD) but this time I want to do it with more style and grace than before...and ya know what? I think I might just be heading in that direction.

Have a great Saturday everyone, and remember that life is what you make of it and its short, so LOVE the heck out of it.

Spent a lot of....

....time thinking today. Shayne is gone for this holiday and although we watch the news coverage and say a few silent prayers, we don't do anything monumental for Memorial Day. For our family, we are lucky enough to have our parents and grandparents alive who fought in past wars, but for many people in this country they do not. Today when I was thinking about the history of Memorial Day and the significance of this day to our country, tons of stuff crosses my mind.

As so many men and women are away from their families today (Shayne included) I find my mind to wondering to not only the past as I BELIEVE it should, but to all of them still fighting for our country. Agree or disagree with the direction of our country and the wars we are currently in, that doesn't allow us to FORGET about those BRAVE men and women, or to IGNORE their needs when they get home. It's often said in online banter back an forth that "if you don't agree/support our troops, then get in front of them" well in anger I can actually UNDERSTAND this comment. But here's the twist to why I BELIEVE in our military, no matter how angry people are, or how condemning to them they are when these men and women return home, these BRAVE men and women would NEVER let anyone take their place, much less get in FRONT of them. That's one of the greatest examples of why AMERICA (in all the good and bad) is truly the best country in which to live.

I have a brother-in-law who has been to Iraq three times, and the second time he went, his wife was upset at the hideous comments she heard about the troops and the war. So in one of their phone calls she told him about it, and how repulsed she was. Wanna know what he said or do you already know? He said "honey this is what I am fighting for, so that [people] like them can have their opinions, even if I think they are wrong." So, the next time we want to say something mean, degrading, condescending, or just plain STUPID, lets remember that these men, women, and their families are willing to die for you, and have in years past. So lets agree to disagree about the wars all we want, but lets take a moment as often as we can to CELEBRATE these people and give them our THANKS.

When is the time right.....

....last night I was feeling really sad about Shayne being gone, and I'm sick, and I needed him to understand. So when he called for our 2 minute phone call last night, I was "mushy and teary" and he said what is wrong? So I said I miss you I'm ready for you to come home. His response "its too early to start this." Well ok, maybe it is, but last night it wasn't for me.....now understand the last time he was gone, I was a BASKET case every day (although I hid it from the kids a lot), and this time I'm "rolling along, and taking it like a big brave dog" (gotta love the Rugrats) LOL, but once in awhile it gets tiring.

So what I want to know is when am I allowed to feel this way? I mean is there some written law somewhere that says you have to wait till the 1/2 way point to be sad? I mean come on. So needless to say on my least favorite day of the week, Wednesday, I stewed about it. OMG looking back I was less happy than a cow chewing its cud that's for sure. But I'm fine, I managed to "get over it" funny how anger does that for ya LOL.

Here I sit tonight thinking that I "knew it all" I was "well prepared" this time, but just goes to show how quick life throws you a curve ball. The only true difference between last night and the last time...I RECOVERED, and I did it QUICKLY and with STYLE and GRACE. Yep I am a Navy wife, and I'm proud of it...even if I'm not happy with him every single day...its NORMAL, and I'm ok with NORMAL, at least tonight.

I just walked out...

....I suddenly realized that I NEEDED a break. Its been a LONG, BUSY, week-end, and its been good (see POOL blog) but here is my LUCK this past week...its POURING STILL. I finally have a pool to ENTERTAIN the kids for an EXTENDED period of time, and its RAINING.

I did talk to Shayne and he sounded good, but all the sudden we hung up, and I just felt "disconnected" literally. I got up, got dressed, said to the kids I'll be back I have the cell phone, and I gave myself a time out. I walked thru the garden department (yep no roof, in the rain...buying Hostas for around my pool) and I can tell you that the best time to SHOP is when you are "disconnected" from life. I mean there was truly NOTHING I wanted to spend money on...at this exact moment, Shayne just took a deep breath,and cheered LOL. Don't get TOO excited honey, I did spend a couple dollars, got the Hostas and a BUG zapper...whooo hooooo soon the mosquitoes will be GONE out back...or at least ZAPPED...yea me.

My friends Peggie and Laurie (they are going darn it she needs to quit referencing us LOL) reminded me when I was "SAILING" thru this first month, that there there would be DAYS...and they are right. I told ya earlier that week-ends and rainy days kill me. I did manage to get his license renewal fee paid so guess he still gets to stay employed (happy now aren't ya honey LOL).

We are all doing fine, and we will emerge on the other side stronger, more determined than before he left, but some days I just need a "mommy time-out" and today was it, and I guess on the POSITIVE side at least it was KINDA productive. I do think I need a Starbucks don't I gang...maybe I'll go on back out and grab one. Till tomorrow, when I hope the SUN burns off this rain...have a great night.

Alone with my thoughts

...have you ever been in a busy room and felt completely alone? I have been in a whirlwind of activity all day, but have been so alone. I am bored on the week-ends they kill me when Shayne is gone, but its part of the job.

So today as I was grocery shopping, I realized I did something NEW, and I did it alone. Its not some huge deal, but I really NEED to stop and take stock every time I do something else I haven't done, because it can only serve to help me face any fears I have down the road.


Ok, so you wanna know what I did right? Well in all the years Shayne has been in the Navy, I have NEVER gone to a case sale at the commissary by myself (even the last time he was deployed I AVOIDED them LOL). Now its not like its some HUGE deal, I mean its cases of stuff...for example I got an entire case (12 cans) of SPAM (yes my kids LOVE it...go figure) for $9. Now as you know that is a GREAT deal since SPAM is almost $2 a can on average. So I did do it, and I did stay UNDER my budget for groceries, and got a TON of stuff to get by till next pay day....so yeah me.

I so WANT to do things that are BETTER for me, BETTER for US. But some days, the sheer terror associated with making changes that we all face is overwhelming. I miss him so much, and when I'm busy...its not that I miss him less, but I have less time to dwell on...where he is, what he's doing, how it feels like he is never coming home...even though I know he is LOL.

So tonight as I sit here with kids running around, and the TV on, and Mack waiting on the computer, and me just tired. I realized I am completely alone to deal with this all, and at the moment I am doing fine...not great, but fine. Tomorrow is a new day, and we'll see how it goes. But for now, I am going to be PROUD of me for doing something new.

No phone calls....no emails....

....no news...Oh my. I feel like today I am dragging my butt along that DIRTY yellow brick road. But by damn it when I get to the "Great Oz" he's gonna open that darn curtain and do some listening. I have a running list of things I want, need, have to have done to NOT lose my mind today.

Its been a month, and I'm doing so much better than the last time but, some days it is truly a TRIAL by FIRE here. I'm looking at my house, and I'm wondering where the hell the hurricane went that came on through my kitchen, living room...oh hell just the whole darn house. I watched the weather channel not a hurricane in the forecast, but I know there was one because my house is DESTROYED.

Ya know that phrase "no news is good news" well its NOT true. I think that I can honestly speak for many Military Wives and say this SUCKS, and it SUCKS BIG TIME some days. Now I can do this, and I will because I HAVE too for our family, our kids, my husband, and well for me...cause I can't stand buckles and long white sleeves ROFL. I look better in much darker colors LOL.

OK well got it off my chest, and I'm ready to pick up and head to bed....well maybe I'll just get up early LOL....the dirt will still be here. Hang in there honey whatever you are doing....I am thinking of you.

Alone on the 50 yard line....

....for those of you who know me or follow any of my blogs, you all know this family is a die hard football family....we count down till training, we live to sit in the rain, and cheer for our kids, the Browns, and the Buckeyes. But tonight I sat alone on the 50 yd line. At Mack's last game I walked in right at kick off...go figure the one in this family always getting there 15 minutes early was driving like a bat out of hell to get there LOL....I miss Shayne. I did however take Freida tonight LOL wonder if he KNEW from that other country he's in LOL. None the less Freida had gas, my van was on empty...besides it needed RUN.

Anyway, I got up in our usual spot, and I felt suddenly all alone. I am so used to him being beside me so I can say "was that call on Mack/Osten (whichever one is playing) was that their hole they got through?" It truly is all the small things (yes you are humming Blink 182 now aren't you LOL).

So enough RAMBLING tonight, I want to tell you what you missed tonight Shayne...you unfortunately missed the best playing I have ever seen out of Mack...it was even better than that undefeated year, where I was sleeping with the coach...LOL yep you big guy. He double teamed every play, he caused 2 fumbles, he almost got a sack, he had to be REMOVED from the field by the REFs LOL...no don't panic he wasn't swearing or fighting LOL he was BLEEDING...are ya jealous now honey? But the best was he walked off, got taped and headed right back out, and the REF was like "nope gotta sit out a play" LOL he was taught well...be proud.

The season ended 4-2...not bad I guess....would be lying if I didn't say I WANTED an undefeated season, but hey I'll share LOL. I missed you tonight, and I so wished you were here, but know that I stepped up and delivered the 1/2 time lecture and the bottle of water...and I even said stuff you would say "do you need stitches? Then get the hell back out there LOL" I did you proud, and Mack, well he did both of us PROUD tonight.

I hope that you know how loved and missed you were tonight. I PROMISE to do my job and yours when JV and HS ball starts this summer. Be safe and be strong.

One Month in....

...OMGosh I can't believe I am typing those darn words again. Seems like yesterday I did this same darn post. But no such luck its a new go round. This time a cake every month just seemed gross. So for Mother's Day my kids got me these great Speciality Apples and they came in today....I took it as a SIGN (we all know I am big into those LOL). Anyway, this year we will be venturing down a new road and trying something different each month to mark how far we have come.

I can tell you its been...easier...doesn't seem like the right word, but for lack of a better one, easier works....this time. I know its because there are less "big" holidays to deal with the end of the school year is so busy that time flies. I know there will be LOTS of crappy days, but this time I am MORE prepared, and I know now that I CAN get thru them, and I will.


My husband is an amazing man, who has surprised me in so many ways over the years, but the sheer SUPPORT, LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT, and CHIVALRY he has shown me just melts my heart. A friend of mine who did a SPOTLIGHT on my family this month (check out her Rebuilding America Starts with Family web site...its a FANTASTIC site), told me that we have a "love story" and when I feel the sadness passing this time, I think of that, so THANK you Melanie for those words, I am more grateful than you can imagine, those two little words have gotten me thru a this month.

I hope that those of you who follow this blog will drop me a few IDEAS for next months "sweet" celebration...no cake or cupcakes here this year :)

Resignation to my husband

Below is my resignation from my job. I have decided to MOVE on, and see the world.

I will be packing my bags, and heading to the airport via a taxi cab so I don't have to drive and pay long term parking.

I will be packing shorts so I will be heading south to see my husband who is currently on a Caribbean Island, getting lean, and tan. I will be sipping Mai Tai's on the beach with him by tomorrow, watching the sunset and then the sunrise in his arms.

And if he's working, well I'll wait. I have had my fill of rain, and an empty bed, so wanted you to know that effective immediately is my resignation from all of this

See you soon


Just thought you'd get a chuckle about what I miss, and what I want to do. I love you sweetie.

Wished I could rush this along, but we're almost 1 month in so soon it'll be time for cake and candles, we can do it. Be safe honey.

On strike

....that's what I feel like saying today. I mean I have been plowing thru everyday for the past few weeks...only a few tears...I mean its been Ok. That sounds awful to say, but I think Shayne and I are doing good this time. But, today I just want a break. Ya know being a SAHM is great a lot of days, but I am so TIRED of cleaning the same darn room and doing the same darn clothes every single day.

Ok, got it out of my system for a few minutes, I miss my husband, and I'll work thru it, and be fine, but its rainy, and I'm tired, and well I'm just....just getting thru. My SIL told me that she could do 6 months on her head, but she just got done with a year+ with her husband gone, and she's right, hell today I could do 3 months on my head but 7+ months seems so far away today.

I'm not crying in my gin and juice this time, I am actually making changes, and they are POSITIVE, but some days, it would be nice just to say "its your turn honey." But today, I'm gonna make dinner...AGAIN....and bath kids AGAIN...and get them all ready for bed...and sit down with a cup of coffee and hope and pray that my husband is doing ok, and maybe he can call me tonight.