Lost....

....in thought most of the time. Some day's its good, some day's its bad, but most of the time, its just what it is. I wished I was a person who could say "OM Gosh this AMAZING epiphany came over me today and I um solved a crisis." But nope I am just an ordinary married woman with kids.

Yesterday was a tough day for me....and I actually can say I had my very first melt down (thank God I was alone on the cell phone with my dear sister in law Terri). Now like every thing so far in military life I survived, and the situation worked itself out. Shayne is fine, the kids are doing fine, and me, well I worked THRU the wall (yep runners sorry it exists in real life too...oh how I remember that 3rd turn back straight a way by the last light post...Thanks dad for always being over there). So here I am on the cusp of a new day (waiting for the sun to come up) and I am reevaluating where I see myself.

Some days I feel like [insert kids' name here] mom, or Shayne's wife, or PTA board member. But I am not always sure who I am. So when Shayne called last night and I got my tears out (whew hate the phone service and deployments), I realized that I am NOT only the above listed, I am me, and that I am a good person. I just need to believe in myself more. I find it amazing that my husband and kids believe more in me than I do most of the time. I gotta ask myself if I've been like this forever or if I ever had the confidence to be who I am? My dear friend Aaron would say I was always too hard on myself and I sold myself short, and looking back I gotta wonder if that's true.

I am on the road to recovery....on a strict WW regime, I am working out (slowly building up), and I am blogging again, and writing (someday I'll be brave enough to TRY and get stuff published...not there yet Melanie I'm trying though) and I am taking care of me. I guess that "baby steps" are the way to go. I have to believe in me, instead of just worrying about everyone else. And when I got the chance to talk to Shayne about this, he was like "honey you can do it." Just a short sentence that was the LIGHT BULB to my THOUGHTS recently. I know I can get thru this deployment, I have before (SSDD) but this time I want to do it with more style and grace than before...and ya know what? I think I might just be heading in that direction.

Have a great Saturday everyone, and remember that life is what you make of it and its short, so LOVE the heck out of it.