Saturday, November 11, 2006
Letter to a deployed husband
Its 3:30 in the morning. I have been up for 3 hours now THINKING. Lack of sleep, worry, and OVER THINKING are never a good combination for me. And you'll probably just blow this email off, but I need to say a few things that are very important to me....so read this please.
First, even though its hard I do trust you, I mean you are the most honorable man I have ever met, and you've never given me a reason to NOT trust you, but I am struggling. I would NEVER ask you to NOT be friends with someone. I guess part of the issue for me is that you go places with her, and you talk to her, and aren't here to go with me and can't talk to me. Its not a matter of trust honest. Its beyond that for me it's the intimacy (not sex), and companionship I miss.
My only fear in life is ever losing you. I am trying so hard to find a way to make things easier for you, that I forget I can't. I am so used to it being US, that to hear what you said last night was hard. I felt alone, and I can't talk to people about you hanging out with her, because the world immediately thinks you are cheating. I know you're a nurse and you hang with women all the time, and I'm ok with that MOST of the time. I know you think I have people to call but I don't. I truly am as alone as you are, you spend your time at work, and with idiots who don't know your name. I spend mine with 4 kids and the internet.
I guess what I am looking for are several things...I need to KNOW you love me (I don't know how to tell you to do that either). I need to know that you are getting off that plane in 4 months and gonna look at me and realize that you love me more than you thought, and that you love your life. I hear you say you miss home, but what I don't here is you miss me. I'm sure you say it, but I just don't hear it. I need to occasionally know you are truly as sad and miserable as I am. I try not to be, but its hard.
I also need to know what to do to help you...I feel helpless here and that's not a feeling I am used too. I know you promised me last night a big promise and it helped. I just miss US, I miss your smile, and our kids looking forward to seeing you. I miss your help, and your strength, and I even miss the damn Marine hymn bottle opener.
Honey you are my hero in more ways than you know. When I say I can't breath w/o you, I truly mean I can't. I don't know how to help you, or to help me right now, but we're missing something here, I mean we are both stronger than this, and we are strong together. Maybe the distance and time is really too much. I know you blew off my fear of you getting off the plane and NOT wanting me/us/our life...but honey it's a real fear for me, and I need you to find a way to tell me it shouldn't be. I know you need one more stress in your life like you need a hole in your head, but I NEED your strength this morning, so please honey find a way to tell me or write something to help me get over this...through it, whatever.
Then tell me what you want shipped. I love shopping and I find it very easy to do from home now LOL. Amazon.com LOVES me. Smile we are almost to Thanksgiving and hopefully Christmas will come fast, and they'll let you leave earlier. Say a few prayers, I know that's not your forte in life but do it anyway, maybe all 6 of us saying the same prayer, it will get heard. I'm sorry if this was too many words but I needed to say it w/o you hearing me cry.
I love you,
So I know at sometime this is a letter we all write to our deployed husbands but I can tell you that RATIONALLY I know that all of this is NO BIG DEAL but how as women do we deal with the EMOTIONAL side of the fear, and uncertinaty? I mean I spent 14 years of my life with my husband building a STRONG foundation for our marriage on trust and honesty (well with the occassional lie regarding $$$ I spent LOL) to now be confused and scared? I really just want to feel NORMAL again. I want our life back, and I know eventually we will have it maybe with some MORE respect for each other. BUT until then I just know I am gonna be tossing and turning with worry, and fear till I see his face. There has got to be an easier way to deal with the distance. I haven't emailed it yet...not quite sure if I should I mean we talk to little on the phone I don't want him upset or a fight because of my insecurites when in reality he can't FIX them for me...only I can. Guess I'll see what this evening brings and maybe I'll get brave.