Happy Birthday to me

First let me say for all of you following my depression saga, the meds are kicking in. I actually didn’t cry at all yesterday and told hubby he could quit calling every night for 4 minutes to check on me….that I am fine. I am starting to find myself. I didn’t know I was truly as strong as I am. I just have to stay focused. Now on to my amazing birthday presents. OMG my husband rocks. Now this is the 1st official holiday we’ve been apart and the first birthday in 15 years we haven’t celebrated together. But I’m ok. I gave the kids a mental health day from school to stay home and play with me today. Makes the house a bit less empty feeling today.

Last night Shayne called and told me to open my presents he knew it was early but didn’t want me to wait till tonight to open them. So I opened the boxes. In the big one, was a navy jacket, a set of Rustic Elements candlesticks. And in the smaller one was a message in a bottle timeless message. OMG it was so romantic. Below is the message that was inside.

My dearest Stephanie,

Some days seem so filled and so busy
We seem to need more hours in the day
To get it all done

People who mean the most to us
Don’t get a phone call, a card or a visit
That would mean so very much
They aren’t told how very precious they are to us
And they aren't aware
Of just how often they are in our daily thoughts

I don’t want another day to pass
Without telling you how very much I appreciate you
And all that you do
And that I admire and respect you in so many ways.
I never want you to think that I take you for granted.

I love you each day,
Even when I don’t take the time to tell you

Love always
Shayne

So I am surviving the day, I do miss him horribly but I figure that I will be ok. My kids are great we are gonna have a nice day here, and then go trick or treating this evening …then talk to daddy at 8pm. I am stronger than I think I am and this is just a test I know it. So I am gonna keep writing here, keep focused on my weight loss and exercise program, and I am gonna miss him like mad. But I do trust him and believe in him, so that makes it a bit better. Happy Halloween everyone.

Depression

Well it’s a big, nasty word with tons of reasons. I can honestly say that the time apart is killing me. I am so used to Shayne being here, and it being us…even if I feel like I do all the work LOL. Right now I’d sell my soul to have him here. Yeah that’s a big statement, but I am so completely lost without him. So after 8 weeks, I figure out that I can’t continue crying and being as short fused as I have been ya know. So last week I headed into my doctor who I will tell you is great. It helps he knows my husband because he has no problem calming my fears too. So although I felt very weak have to ask for medication, I did it anyway.

So here I am 5 days into taking these meds, and today I can honestly say I think they might be working. I mean the sheer panic and fear isn’t gone but I have been up for hours now and no tears yet. That in itself would be worth it. I want to feel better, sooner than later I hope. I am following the rules on the meds as they say. At the moment I am still feeling a bit fuzzy and exhausted but I understand that feeling should go away eventually…we’ll see.

What I want to know is how is it possible that a normally strong woman crashes so damn fast. I mean I was so sure that I could do this, that I was never gonna be depressed, or angry. But OMGosh I am so mad, and not at anyone in particular, just damn angry. I want my husband home, I want him here to help me, to calm my fears, to take care of stuff here. I am tired of this being my job, and my job alone. Ok ranting over, I know its my job and will be ONLY my job till he comes home.

Tonight what I want is him safe, and missing me as much as I miss him. I want us to come out of this closer than we were, and a lot more appreciative of each other and the kids. If that happens, then the misery and pain will so be worth it. So as I close tonight, I am wishing on that star outside my window and saying a prayer for my husband, and all those deployed men and women, as well as those of us left alone at home without them.

Communication

OMGosh so the last blog was a bit sad/mean spirited whatever..but I'm over it. LOL Shayne and I talked and he said it wrong, and I misunderstood...doesn't matter see how we were both wrong LOL. Anyway if you didn't know before now that he was the LOVE of my life, my SOULMATE, you will after you see the comments he made to me last night.

He told me he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn't imagine ever living without me, that I was so beautiful. He told me it hurt so much to be away from the kids and I, and that he was counting the seconds till he could see us again...and he is...at this moment 12,197,036 seconds from seeing each other back in our own home.

So the factor into the equation comment was taken care of, and as far as the 23 yr old issue well she had asked the guys "didn't ya ever just have a bed buddy (she was more vulgar)" and my husband...who I will again say ROCKS...said, "only once, and I married her." My husband is the kindest, most honest, most amazing man on the planet.

He is refocused, and NOT losing his mind today. I am calmer, and not crying, I am more sure of US now than I have ever been. If nothing comes out of this whole damn deployment but him saying he loved me, and that I am beautiful, then it was worth it for me personally.

He is the reason I breathe everyday, he is truly my best friend, and he "completes me" (thanks Tom Cruise for the excellent line). Thank you honey for being my OFFICER and GENTLEMAN.

Misunderstood

That’s how I feel, that’s what I am, apparently that’s what I’ve done…I mean it would have to be. Hubby called on Monday to let me know how he worked through his MELT DOWN. Now let me say I am very happy he did, except his THERAPY sent me on a melt down of my own. Haven’t slept well in two days now, and don’t know when he’s calling me again. And I really don’t want to address it as it sounds accusatory when I do, but if I DON’T say something I am gonna make myself NUTS trying to NOT make more out of this than it is.

So I can’t/won’t post what he said, because I can’t bear to read them all here . But one thing he did say was that due to security reasons he can’t talk about his family there. So we don’t factor into the equation. Well factors, equations? Wait this is a marriage, a family I mean when did we become an equation with factors that can’t be considered? I mean OMG did I really hear him say that. Then to top it off he told me that it was heart wrenching to hear some mothers talk to their kids at home because they are away from them. Ok, well I’m sure it is but here’s a couple heart wrenching things for ya to think about honey. How about me, I mean when they hang up, although they are dying inside, they go back to work. Me, no I don’t get to go back to work, I have to listen to each one of these kids cry every single day. I have to try and explain to KD why I can’t go get your plan and bring you back. I have to hear Seth cry at nap time and at night that all he wants is his family back and where is daddy. And Mack, OMGosh were do I start with him, he struggles everyday counting the days till he can talk to you. And Osten, well honey he thinks I don’t hear him sniffling about you, or notice that his eyes well up sometimes when he talks about you. No honey what I’m living is heart wrenching.

I can’t sleep right, or eat well, or at all some days. Then to hear how you are BONDING and have someone to TELL you what to do because you are used to your wife “TELLING YOU” what is that? I mean I don’t TELL you anything, I thought we talked? I mean after 14 ½ years I was sure we TALKED.

But whatever I guess the point in the blog was to (if you can read it since apparently you don’t read my letters) explain that I know I am doing so many things WRONG, I know am doing the BEST I can, and that even though NO ONE realizes how hard this is, and that there is ALWAYS someone with it worse than I have it, that my life sucks right now. I would sell everything to have you home, and safe, and laying your butt on my couch with friggen Bubba burger grease all over my counter. I love you, and I know that you miss me and love me too, but COMMUNICATION is necessary here, you need to tell me, and you need to talk to me, I can’t do this w/o you. And the past few days have been worse than the last two months, so something’s gotta give here, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I am POSTING this to you. Its not too mushy…you won’t miss me after this post LOL. But hopefully you will realize that the life you think you left isn’t here, its some screwed up mess waiting on you to return and help us all work this out. We’re lonely and sad,, and not able to breath many days without you but we are trying. Be safe and know you are loved.

Can’t fix it all

Ya know as a mother you want your kids to be happy and never have hurt feelings, and the first time some crappy kid is mean to them, you wanna kick their scrawny ass, then you wanna hunt their mother down and kick hers. However you take a deep breath and remember you can’t, and that unfortunately no matter how hard it is you have to find a way to help them work through their hurt feelings.

So where is all this coming from? Well I have an 11 year old whose a big kid..by big I mean he’s 5ft 2 inches and 190 lbs. He is like the broad side of a barn. I love him so much, he is the kindest child I know. He has grown into his own over the past few years. He reads better than anyone in his class, and is further ahead in Advanced math than my older child is and he’s 3 years older than him LOL. Mackenzie also made the academic derby team this year. I mean he is amazing. Anyway, this week-end he went camping with another Scout family, because its really too cold at night to take my 2 and 3 year old out in a tent overnight. He came home on Sunday and I thought everything was fine, and he had a good time. Took him 2 hours before he anted up that the kid was mean to him. Now mean I can handle…we’ve done mean before…hell I think mine have been mean at one point in time. But when he started crying it broke my heart. And what was worse is I can’t fix it for him.

So in typical FAMILY fashion, we all pulled together and at 6pm tonight we will all be walking with him. He is now on some diet that I know isn’t healthy for him, and he’s exercising. All of which will in the long run be good but it angers me that some creepy kid hurt him to the point of tears. I wished Shayne had been here to go camping this week-end, it would have helped. But such is life. We’ll figure it out. I guess for me the point of this blog is just this…yet another thing in life we can’t control, all we can do is work with it, and through it. I know he will be ok, and get over it…probably before I will…I tend to hold grudges LOL. But gosh doesn’t it suck that he has too. I mean wasn’t there a time when kids were nicer to each other…or did we just not know to be that mean to someone? Oh well maybe it is the media and all the sex and violence on television that makes these kids meaner, or maybe we were that mean too all those years ago. I don’t know but I know as a mom this sucks, and I’m angry at myself for not being able to fix this. But again such is life, and as with anything it will work itself out.

Fear of the Unknown

So the other night when hubby called he sounded a bit sad/depressed/ lonely/ frustrated…not sure which but he sounded all of it. So I spent the day worrying, and wondering what to say if and when he called. I mean for the kids and I we have settled into the “Auto-pilot” mode and are functioning here. I mean we have the occasional melt down but life has for better and worse gone on. I knew when he left that it would take about a month or so before it set in that he was ALONE and away from us. Now don’t get me wrong he loves us and we all have fun together but who doesn’t want a break once in awhile…come on now fess up we ALL do. So the 1st month wasn’t so bad, he was busy with tons of new stuff to do, and a new place to be, and the QUIET…OMG how I long for the quiet LOL.

So I decided to face it head on (Shayne’s NOT so favorite commercial LOL). Anyway I just out right ask him what he was afraid of, I mean is he afraid he’s changed…he said “no way that he hasn’t.” I said are you afraid that we’ve changed? His response was “well life has gone on for you guys like normal?“ I mean has it? I don’t think so, and he I don’t think realizes how MUCH we’ve changed as a family. I mean we used to get out 6 of everything for dinner and now 5 is what we set the table for (that’s NORMAL for us now). I mean the ultimate sign for that we have HAD to move on is that we have conviently lost all the spoons but 5..what the hell is that, I mean where do they go all the time? Oh I know my husband would blame his sister LOL as that’s what he did when we lived in Ohio, and his parents silverware went missing…he’d tell his dad “Paula must have thrown them away” dirty I know but we do all laugh about it now LOL. So anyway my point with the silverware was that I didn’t immediately go buy new….I mean why would I we have 5 spoons we can all eat still at the same time. But in all actuality we can’t all eat at once as we aren’t all here.

So how do I help him with out MELTING down myself. I mean I don’t cry tons or often as I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never quit. I am horribly lonely, but I do have friends I just need to utilize them better. I guess for me I just FUNCTION and I’m afraid that’s what he’s doing right now. But just functioning and not WITH it all the time puts him in a different place, and possibly at danger. I worry that the loneliness will get overwhelming and he’ll NOT force himself to work through it, I worry he‘ll avoid it and we all know that’s not good. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that as wives (military or not) we have to figure out away to help these men realize its all ok, and its ok to TALK to us about their fears, and worries. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I can guarantee you we as WOMEN, WIVES and MOTHERS will for sure find the answer somewhere.

Definition of a Sailor

The following poem is one my husband emailed me last night…and parts of it are very true. He is the love of my life no matter where he is or what he does. Enjoy….and thanks honey.



Between the security of childhood and the insecurity of second childhood, we find a fascinating mass of humanity called sailors. They can be found anywhere: on ships, in bars, on leave, or in love and always in debt.

Girls love them, civilians tolerate them and the government supports them, or so they claim. A sailor is laziness with a deck of cards, bravery with a tattooed arm, and the energy of a turtle, the slyness of a fox, the brain of a genius, the sincerity of a liar, and the aspiration of a Casanova.

When he wants something, it is usually indecent and immoral, or against Navy regulations. His favorite pastimes are girls, females, broads, dames and members of the opposite sex.

He dislikes Navy chow, answering letters, wearing his uniform, superior officers, and getting up in the morning. No other human being can cram into his shirt pocket; a comb, a little black book, a pack of gum, a church key, a pack of cigarettes, his girl's picture and what's left of last month's pay.
He likes to spend some of money on girls, some on poker, most of it on booze, and what's left on foolishness.

A sailor is a magical creature. You can lock him out of your house, but not out of your heart. You can scratch him off your mailing list, but not out of your mind. So you might as well give up. He is your Far-away from home
lover, your one and only, good for nothing, liberty minded, bundle of wrongdoing. But your shattered dreams become insignificant when your sailor comes home and looks at you with those BIG BLOOD SHOT EYES AND SAYS HI SWEETHEART.

A Few of my FAVORITE things

Broad title for this blog don’t ya think? Well I wanna talk about a couple FAVORITES of mine. My favorite season is FALL. Why? Well in Ohio the leaves were beautiful, the skies were cold but bright when the sun was out. It ALWAYS felt like football season, and chili for dinner. I love the Fall it is truly the most beautiful time of the year…well depending on where you live I guess. I mean Fall on the North Carolina Coast…um not real exciting, I mean all the leaves don’t change, and 90% of the time the SUN is blazing in the sky…but none the less it is COOLER which makes it FALL and a NICE time here.

My favorite weather is GRAY and RAINY. Oh I love those days, they are the ones we all look forward too…I mean wear jammies all day and watch Lifetime Movie Network, or catch up on our NAPPING LOL. I love the rain. Now in Ohio is RAINED all the damn time so you tended NOT to appreciate it as much as when you GET a BREAK from the SUN here in this state LOL.

What else do I love…hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm oh I love Reese’s peanut butter cups, and Blue Raspberry Slushies, and Hot chocolate with whipped cream. I love Chinese food, and rented movies on a Saturday night. I love my husband and my kids, and my sister, and my friends. I love to shop, and to talk on the phone. I LOVE football (even if it sucks this year). I love Christmas morning…even though it doesn’t last nearly LONG enough for all the time, work, and money you put into it. I love the first snowfall that is wet enough to make snowballs to throw at my kids.

I mean there are so many things in my life that I love, and enjoy. But with out my husband here to do them with it just seems so empty. I mean shopping feels like a TASK…a CHORE….a JOB in my life right now. I can’t wait to see him and have him bitch I’m spending too much money this pay…which we all know he will LOL…. But I don’t care. I can’t wait to watch all the MISERABLY LONG Sunday morning news shows with him. I didn’t realize the little things that I miss so very much with him gone. Some days its hard to REMEMBER to LOOK BEYOND the pain of being LONELY to enjoy the things you LOVE.

Girls Night out

So since hubby left I have never really taken anytime to just sit and chat and laugh with my girlfriends. Well yesterday my friend Amber and I got on our own little MISSION. We needed to get several things done to our friend Holly’s car to get her on the road. There is a long story behind why we needed to help Holly out but way to much info to discuss on here this AM maybe another day. Anyway I watched Amber's daughter while she did all the running which just ROCKED. I mean anytime I can sit here on my butt and yell from the chair to “STOP doing that” is excellent LOL. So we got the van up and running and road ready (with the help of her oldest son as we aren’t great TIRE CHANGERS LOL). Then we decided that we needed to throw a little party for our friend Holly to celebrate her new job and how well she is doing.

So we had Holly’s son, and his family and Ambers family and the babies and I (my teenagers were sitting at home with take out from Ambers LOL no need for them to interact I guess LOL) all with our own little throw together picnic for dinner (yeah the mess was at Ambers house LOL). Anyway we all ate, and I took the kids home, and Holly’s son left, and then Ambers husband left so what did the girls do? Oh yes, we got together for a GRIPE and LAUGH session. I can tell you I laughed my ass off for 30 minutes with NO KIDS around. OMG are you all jealous now LOL? I miss the hubby, and feel bad having any fun without him but it was a nice break from reality tonight.

So the morale of my rather short blog tonight is to remind us MOMS of couple things: One that Laughter is the BEST medicine for any depressing feelings. And two we all need a couple minutes alone or without kids to REST, REFRESH, and RENERGIZE our hearts and souls.

3 Wishes

Ok so if you were cleaning out the attic and found a bottle that you rubbed and out popped a genie willing to grant you 3 wishes what would they be. Now remember that you only ever can have these 3 wishes. So think hard….what would you wish for?

My first gut instinct would be to have my deployed husband back home with me ASAP. But if he is home now then I didn’t accomplish my goals that I set for ME during his deployment. Hhhhhhhmmm that sounds odd coming out of my mouth…but the only way I was getting this weight off was to do it while he was gone…I mean I made up my mind I was gonna be skinny (well skinnier LOL), blonde and in pink camo shorts when I picked him up at the airport…and damn it I’m doing it this time. Also wishing him home today wouldn’t accomplish his MISSION…and we all know how important the MISSION is, even if we don’t want them too…its what they were made for, we have to let them do it. So nope my first wish wouldn’t be for him to be home today…although my heart does say different.

Ok, so now what wish? I guess if I had to chose a wish it would be for my kids. I wouldn’t wish for their life to be easy. No I want them to earn EVERYTHING its what I believe makes them better people. I want them to be happy but not without pain. I know that’s crazy but ya know what, it’s the pain that makes us stronger individuals in our lives. So what would I wish for my children? I guess that they live the lives they want to live maybe hitting the lottery once or twice too, so they can help out dear, old, mom LOL.

Well that’s one wish out of the way…I think maybe I’d wish for my family and friends lives to be a bit easier, and wealthier too. I mean hell if they could pay their houses, cars, and college loans off then they could all help me too LOL. See the trend here…if everyone else has the “GOLD” then I am set LOL.

I can tell you my final wish would be for all our military men and women to be home…NOT TODAY like I’d love to say, but AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I need to be able to go to bed and know that this war (whether I agreed at the beginning or not doesn‘t matter right now) I need to know that this war accomplishes SOMETHING. I want someone to get the Democracy that they so need, I want the “BAD GUYS” all caught, sent to trial, and punished according to the law.

So my wishes ultimately would be for happiness and wealth for my family and friends, and World Peace. Good thing I am not a Miss America candidate as the whole World Peace thing is a bit cheesy but truly what I want. I want them all home safe and sound with their wives (or husbands), and their children. I want to go bed at night knowing that the MISSION was accomplished, and that NO ONE died in vain. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have made these particular wishes 4 years ago, but tonight as I sit here with my husband so very far away, I know that these are the RIGHT wishes to make, and even though he wants to be here with us that he has to stay awhile longer. So gang look for those magic bottles and remember to be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.

Letters

So I write hubby everyday that he’s gone…ya know therapy for ME…LOL. And the other day when we talked, he actually told me he ISN’T reading my letters. Now what the hell is that? I mean come on now, I am so NOT a sappy woman. I mean he can’t even imagine that they are FULL of tears does he? Hhhhhhmmmmmm, so after I get done pouting, I say “Why aren’t you reading my letters?” He actually says to me “Ya know how I hate LOTS of WORDS” (maybe he’s looking for See Jane Cry instead of what I’m writing LOL). Again I will say what the hell does that mean? The man has two Masters degrees, I mean I know that he KNOWS how to read. And never mind that he’s thousands of miles away from me…you’d think he’d want to know how I was FEELING right? Gosh what a dork LOL.

So I revamp my letter writing…yeah I just got mad and DIDN’T send any for a week LOL. That sure didn’t fix the problem…I am still mad. So what angers me the most about the LETTER thing is this, I am not one of those “DIRTY” letter writing, or “DIRTY” word saying (no I don’t mean SWEARING…I have a mouth like a SAILOR LOL)…I mean D-I-R-T-Y word type of woman. So I attempt to write a COUPLE GOOD ones that he said he wanted me to SEND, so I did. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up gang…I used words I don’t like to even say out loud LOL (heck my kid calls it a pee pee..get the idea now LOL). So now that I have overcome my FEAR of writing the “DIRTY” words, I gotta ask myself what the point was in that lesson. I mean if he’s NOT even reading them…I could have done without the lessons LOL.

Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm so how do I deal with this…I mean do I keep sending the letters? Do I just forget it? I mean it was my THERAPY now wasn’t it. I guess if he doesn’t want too or CAN’T read them (oh wait maybe they are too hard for him to read…I mean maybe he MISSES me MORE if he reads them…oh good angle, lets go with that one LOL). I guess if the point was THERAPY for me, then I should keep writing them…and maybe he’ll eventually start reading them. Thanks for letting me vent a bit…too bad I didn’t type enough to FIND the answer LOL. Keep sending your letters everyone they really do NEED to read them even if they DON’T want too all the time. Have a great week-end.

Eating at the table

Ok so we all grew up with DINNER and real utensils on the dinner table. And everyone around it yelling at once, and most of the time we’d manage to quiet down to say our prayers before dinner. Well that’s the image we all grew up with as kids and what we thought it would always be right? Then we became teenagers and got so busy in school and activates and dating, that dinner was usually waiting in the microwave for us when we got home…but mom or dad still sat down with us right? Well I’m here to tell you I am a lousy mom. I mean I cook SOMETHING for them every night….well I mean there’s something here for them every night even if its microwave SOMETHING they throw in themselves. OMG I suck. My mom was the queen of taking 3 ingredients and making a casserole for dinner and 95% of the time they were good. Holy crap I don’t dirty pans if I can help it. Oh my I stink…my mom would crap herself if she TRULY knew what I‘d become.

So you’re all asking where this “DOSE OF REALITY” came from for me today aren’t you? Well my babies (KD and Seth) asked me to get them French fries from McDonalds today for lunch and I thought hhhhmmmmm well its just the 3 of us, and payday is tomorrow, everyone has diapers, and milk and waffles for breakfast, so ok, lets go. Well I undercut them by going to Bojangles (it was so much closer for me LOL). And we came home with our food in tow to eat. Well I started to set them up at the coffee table and turn on Nick and they are like “NO we want to eat at THAT table.” OMG the kitchen table? What for…we NEVER eat there…well I don’t anyway LOL. So being the mom that I am I said ok, and set them up. They looked at me with those cute little puppy dog eyes and I realized OMG they expect me to sit here too. Wait we only do this for HOLIDAYS LOL. So I do what all moms with those looks do…I sat…NOT happily, but I sat none the less.

We had the best meal of my entire life. I laughed, and they talked to me and to each other, and the most amazing thing happened….NO ONE spilled ANYHING for me to clean up. When they were done eating, they said ok lets go take nap. Holy crap does this “Family Togetherness” thing ROCK. I think I may MAKE dinner tonight and sit at the table with everyone. I will keep ya all updated. But personally if you aren’t a TABLE DWELLER at mealtime…become one, it was worth it to see those FAMILY VALUES we were all raised with in ACTION today. Have a great dinner everyone.

So today is Tuesday

We all know that Football game day is HARD on us. I miss him more than any other day on Tuesday. I miss his voice, I miss smile, I miss his lazy butt waiting till the last minute to rush out the door…and still make it on time.

I talked to a friend (Twila) of mine today, and she said I sounded Positive on my blog. I guess that’s good…I mean it is kinda what I was going for. I can tell you that today I am so NOT positive. I haven’t had a good conversation with him (really since he left…but for what we COULD term as good right now) since last week. I know that every day I get to bed with out a car pulling up to tell me something has happened to him is a good day. But NOT hearing from him is MISERABLE. I can’t breathe when I don’t hear his voice. This is so hard to try and plug through every single day without him. I can tell you that the next time I wish him away will be the day I know our life is NORMAL again. I would give ANYTHING to have him here today.

You know what I find the hardest about this whole thing? Well there are several but at the moment its people who have NO IDEA what you are going through and don’t know how you feel (it makes depressed days hard). People who have gone through deployments before and say they understand but secretly are Thanking God its not them again, and really are too busy to understand (I know I was this way once with a friend). And finally those people who I know have it worse than I do, and I‘m complaining (makes me feel guilty that I am upset ya know). My heart is broken today, and I am so lost. But here’s the downside to ME…I don’t want to call my friends and family and cry all the time or someone will tell me I’m depressed and need meds. I am NOT that depressed. Don’t get me wrong I am depressed but thats NORMAL right? I mean the pressure is almost unbearable some days. I don’t want to pay the bills anymore, and I don’t want to do EVERYTHING…but such is life. I mean it could always be worse couldn’t it? God is that a scary thought...worse than how I feel today? OMGosh.

I guess what scares me the most when I feel this SAD is how many tears am I allowed to cry before I am NOT normal. I mean can I cry every Tuesday till football season ends or not? Who sets that “LEVEL” for us, I mean I don’t want to be depressed but I want to know its ok to cry as often as I need too. Gosh this is so hard. The Navy should issue us manuals so we KNOW what to do, and what to FEEL. I mean hell they issue our husbands everything else now don’t they LOL. I know when I post this blog all my friends will immediately say “Oh she’s having a MELT DOWN.” But I’m not, honest just a bad day. By the time the football game is over I will be 1 day closer to the end of the season, and 1 day closer to him coming home. So don’t fret gang, I am really ok, I am just SAD today.

Can you hide?

So sometimes no matter how hard you try to work through something or avoid something, it jumps up and smacks you right square in the face. Today I worked like a dog, moving beds, and picking up and whatever really needed done here. And at the end of the day I realized I didn’t accomplish a whole lot. Then I started thinking that I miss my husband. I mean not all the big stuff, but the little things. Like for example tomorrow night my oldest has a football game, and Mack has a “STRINGS” meeting at the same time. I can’t be both places at once so I end up screwing one of the kids. I mean not that there’s really a choice I have to be at the football game because I drive 3 or 4 of the kids regularly so they are all in need of a ride….but in doing that I can’t get to the meeting. I don’t know how single mothers do this. I need a break, I need him here.

I don’t mind that he goes off to fight for what he believes in, actually I am immensely proud of him for doing it, but I need help. I think the military should issue us nanny’s to pick up the slack. I can get over the lack of sex and even adult communication, but OMG do I want a break…I want to pee by myself or just shave my legs without having to stay up till midnight to be able to do it. There are only about 6 months to go, I know somewhere I will find the strength to do this, but I’m tired of being the taxi, and the person who runs for milk to the gas station because I forgot to pick it up during the day, and now we’re almost out. I am tired of doing all the cooking and all the cleaning, and all the baths, and I‘m tired of being the one they are mad at all the time. I want someone else to do it….I want him here to help me do it, I want them to be mad at him once in awhile.

Ok so now that the rant is out of the way, I can tell you that a good cry was in order. So about 100 tears later and a big broken heart (nope he didn’t call tonight so I had to explain that to the kids too), I am ready to start over tomorrow. I can tell you that as soon as he comes home I am NOT going to the damn gas station for milk, nor am I driving to EITHER school again until NEXT fall…LOL. Well at least that’s the plan tonight. So I guess the lesson of this blog is you just can’t run and hide no matter how hard you try….sometimes you just have to cry, and realize tomorrow will have to be better. Night gang.

30 days in...

Well this family actually made it 1 month since hubby left. There have many, many lonely, sad, and down right miserable days, but we did it…and at the moment the check book balances still.....which is a plus in hubby’s eyes LOL. Anyway I have spent the past month looking for that one thing that would help my kids count down the days without being too taxing on me emotionally. I mean the Kisses every night in a jar was cool, except I have 4 kids do you realize that would be like 840+ pieces of candy…OMG that is a nightmare waiting to happen for a wife on a diet LOL. Then there was the paper chain activity, well it seemed like a great idea, but the thought of having paper all over my house, no, I couldn’t do it, I mean I worked too hard to be a GOOD HOUSEKEEPER LOL. So after a month of thinking about it I came up with an idea. We would celebrate every MONTH we made it without killing each other.

So today I got a cake and 7 candles (this will be an issue if hubby stays longer than 7 months but we’ll worry about that then). We lit 6 of the candles to symbolize the 6 months we have left to MAKE it without our HERO. Then in 30 more days I will buy another cake and we’ll light 5 candles but we’ll leave the 7 to REMIND us how far we’ve come TOGETHER.

So I guess the MORAL of this blog would be to FIND what works for YOU. Whatever it is that helps you as an INDIVIDUAL or as a FAMILY to get though a separation then GO FOR IT…and above all remember to SMILE, it does help.

Recipe for a Navy Wife

1 ½ cup of Patience
1 cup of Courage
1 ¼ cups of Tolerance
Dash of Adventure
1 pound of Ability

With above Ingredients, add 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease.
Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears.
Pour off Excess Fat
Sprinkle ever so lightly with money.
Knead dough till payday.
Season with International spices.

Bake 20 years until done. Serve with Pride.

So I have this recipe hanging on a beautiful cutting board on my wall in my kitchen. Hubby bought it for me last year at this time. Ya know he was finally ACTIVE duty and we had access on the base to a beautiful craft shop. Ok so lets look at this recipe. Lets pull it apart for so understanding here: 1 ½ cup of Patience (NEVER had any of this). 1 cup of Courage ( um well I SOMETIMES have this…ONLY when necessary though). 1 ¼ cups of Tolerance (oh yeah this would be another one of those attributes I have lacked forever). Dash of Adventure (well I do have this ingredient…I so love to travel and see things and oh yeah spend money LOL). 1 pound of Ability (apparently I have proven to myself in the past month that I have ability but didn’t know it before he deployed). 2 Tbsp. of Elbow Grease (as a mom I have MORE than 2 TBSP…LOL). Let set alone for 6 months. Marinate frequently with Salty Tears (currently living this one). Pour off Excess Fat (weight watchers is helping out with this one LOL). Sprinkle ever so lightly with money…Knead dough till payday (yep LIGHTLY…did ya see that one…LIGHTLY with money…NEVER enough). Season with International spices (well maybe when he gets home…I mean he is in ANOTHER country…whoo hooo counting down the days till I can add those SPICES LOL). Bake 20 years until done (well we are over 14 years so we are on the way to completing this step). Serve with Pride (well hopefully Shayne is proud of me when he gets home and sees that I DID IT).

I’m not sure I am a TRADITIONAL Navy Wife but ya know what, I don’t care, all I want to be is myself. I want my husband to worship the ground I walk on, and spend TONS of money on me, and be proud of everything I do. Those things with him by my side would be the things that make up my RECIEPE for a Navy Wife. Guess NOT everyone knows how to make changes to recipes to have them work with their lives but we are working on it. I hope everyone looks at what society demands of us as WOMEN, WIVES, MOTHERS, and LEADERS and knows that we are all doing the BEST we can do, even if its NOT what the RECIPE called for originally. Good luck finding your recipe to life.

Good Days CAN happen

My post today on Military Mom’s message board got me thinking. That I NEED to be more THANKFUL for what I have instead of sitting here mourning what I don’t. I mean I am LOST that my husband is gone. He truly is my heart, and the love of my life. I miss his handsome face, and the fact that he farts on my couch while I’m sitting in the same room. I even miss Bubba Burgers (that is so a story for another blog LOL). But I know that I can’t spend every waking moment LOST in my pain and frustration of having to be IN CHARGE. I have spent days worrying that I am doing the bills wrong, or not moving FRIEDA (that’s his beautiful RED MUSTANG) enough, and this morning when I woke I realized it DOESN’T matter if I’m doing it right, as long as the bills are paid on time, and the account isn’t overdrawn, then I’m ok. I know there’s a credit card for emergencies so I am truly fine. Today was probably the first day in a MONTH that I KNEW I was ok.

I missed shopping with him today, as he truly is a hoot. But I took the babies (well they are my babies at 2 and 3 yrs old) to McDonalds to play and they had a blast. I bought Seth a pair of Spiderman PJ pants because he is so into the SUPERHEROS. KD got a doll and she had to have Dora Underwear LOL. I then went and got Hubby a couple things for his upcoming boxes. I know that he’s not the easiest to buy for because he really doesn’t want ANYTHING but I feel better if I send stuff I think he needs…LOL So I got him some magazines he really wants, and got some more pictures of the kids and I have a video of my oldest sons football game to send him this week-end, as well as a PRESENT from me LOL no hints there gang sorry. But in a month he’ll have something to smile about too. So I went to the “GROWN UP GIRLS” store today…OMG I felt OLD…I didn’t realize ½ that stuff existed LOL. However Shayne if you’re reading this I did manage to spend a couple dollars…LOL.

I asked him the other night if he was TRULY ok, and to not just give me lip service. He told me it was a routine now, and except for missing me and the kids, he was ok. That it was only 23 more weeks (sounds much better than 162+ days doesn’t it LOL). I guess the only way to face this SEPERATION is head on, when I have the strength and when I don’t I need to cry a few minutes, take a nap and then start all over from a different angle. I love him and miss him horribly but today I am ok, which leaves me hope that maybe there will be MORE good days in the future. Until then I am just gonna enjoy today. Hope everyone else is having a nice day too.

Laundry?

Where does it all come from? I mean there maybe 5 of us here right now but (go with me for a minute here) that’s only 5 outfits and 5 towels a day right (on average). So how in 2 days can I have 6 loads of laundry when we know that 14 towels makes a load. I guess it GROWS. I mean it must. Every week I do ALL the laundry…except for the outfits we are wearing (5 right?). Then the next morning I AMAZINGLY have 3 loads of laundry. Now come on how does it grow? Are the sticking SOMETHING in the laundry detergent that works like MIRACLE-GROW? I can not figure it out.

So today as I folded clothes I LOOKED closely at WHOSE stuff I had. I have taken 4 piles to the boys room. These would be the kids who wouldn’t bathe if I didn’t make them. I mean if they have a 4 day week-end I think they wear the same underwear from Thursday night…yeah I know gross LOL. But my point is how in 2 days can they have 4 PILES of clothes for me to wash, dry, fold and since they are both YOUNGER versions of their dad…probably put the stuff away too. Then as if that wasn’t enough I had 4 PILES of towels…ok I’m not gonna even make an issue here because I am a towel hog, and I hate to have to hang a towel to dry and re use it…so we’ll move beyond the towels. But I have taken 6 piles of clothes to my younger kids room….½ of which I know were CLEAN not once by TWICE already (and even this I can over look as they are 2 and 3 so they think dressing up is fun). I took my piddly pile of clothes to my bedroom….and I have 7 things ( I still have whites to wash so I have more LOL) but 7 items in my room to put away. So reading this, I can guarantee you except for towels, I am the LAUNDRY culprit here. I think that Osten , Mackenzie, and I are coming to a meeting of the minds here. There CAN NOT be this much laundry in this house.

Can you imagine how miserable it would be if we were back in “Laura Ingles Wilder Days” I mean no Maytag to hurry the process along….and those nails we are all trying to grow while hubby is deployed…well they’d be nonexistent now wouldn’t they LOL. So I guess I have a couple options here. I can be Mommy Dearest and rant and rave about the NEVER ENDING pile of LAUNDRY or I can grin and bear it and know that someday their kids will get even with them LOL. I think I’m gonna go with the later one and bide my time and then I’m gonna LMAO. Hope ya all don’t have as much laundry as I did today. Happy Washing gang....I was just looking at my past blogs...um ya think I have some HOUSE CLEANING GUILT setting in LOL. Guess I better get my rear in gear and get to CLEANING.

Who lives in your house?

Ok so I was reading my friend Peggy’s blog yesterday about her hubby not actually ever being in their new apartment and it got me thinking about who lives in my house. Now realistically I know my husband is coming home (soon I hope) and that everything will have to go back the way it was. But at what point does that kitchen cupboard, or the master bathroom become yours? I mean I have my own space and things I actually call "MINE" even if my kids don't agree LOL.

See my husband OWNS the master bathroom, and the closet in there. He also has a corner cupboard in my kitchen where he stores all his granola and oatmeal. So what’s changed? Well he deployed, and I started cleaning a few things up...well not cleaning but rearranging because I got to look in places I hadn't looked in for a year. That corner cupboard is HUGE. OMG I can't believe he actually packs it with like "GOOD FOOD" do you know how many bags of Honey BBQ chips I could hide in that cupboard? Holy cow. Then I realized that the toilet in the master bathroom stays CLEAN if hubby isn't in there 100 times a day. Its actually white LOL. Now I did look in the bathroom closet and if I cleaned it out it would be a decent closet. But as it stands now its a great place to put all his MILITARY GEAR. Its never lost that way.

So anyway back to the topic of my blog. I realized that my husband was actually NOT living here for the time being when I opened "HIS" cupboard and found my splenda, and my weight watcher 2pt snack bars, oh and cream of wheat...and other stuff that would NEVER be in there if he was actually LIVING here LOL. So here's what I figure. If he wants to RETAIN any of the spaces that he calls HIS, then he will have to FIGHT me for them. Because I live here, so possession being like 9/10ths of the law and all...I guess that makes the cupboard MINE now....LOL. And since we're on the topic of acquiring possessions Shayne, your son and daughter think that they ONLY sleep on your side of the bed. So guess you'll be fighting me for the toilet, cupboard, and MUSTANG, and Seth and KD for the bed LOL. You are missed honey, but I do LOVE the cupboard.

To clean or not to clean?

So here's the deal...Before hubby deployed I had an I'm LAZY phase on my house cleaning (yeah a bit of depression and such...LOL) but the ORIGINAL game plan was to CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN everything as soon as he left. So we're almost a month in and NONE of the HUGE cleaning I wanted to do is done. Sad I know but such is life for me right now I guess.

I think part of the main issue is that there's NO REAL SCHEDULE. I mean except for getting the kids, to school the babies fed, and put down for naps, and the general cleaning, then picking them up from their activities, doing dinner, homework, baths and then bedtime...Where on that list of "DAILIES" is there any time to actually do MAJOR cleaning? There really isn't.

However the point of this blog is to REMIND myself that even though hubby isn't coming home every night that I can't let this place go. I mean my house is an "everything has a place...Put it in it" type of house. But I can tell you the past two days I have been a dog with cleaning. I just DON'T want to do it. No I'm not depressed...I just don't see the need too. Why? Oh yeah there's NO SCHEDULE. Hubby isn't coming home, my kids don't care if all the laundry or dishes are done. However in my "flu/cold sickness" I have going on today I am looking around this house and well, I care. I have 5 or 6 loads of laundry and dishes to do, and a kitchen floor to scrub, and OMG we aren't even gonna discuss the toilets that need cleaned LOL.

So where does that leave me? I gather that the GROWN-UP side of me says to get my lazy rear moving and get this house cleaned. However the I wanna be a "COUCH POTATO" side of me says he won't be home till Spring so that means just SURFACE cleaning...whoo hooo. Guess that being said I gather its time to get on a REAL schedule and get some CLEANING done and be a grown-up. Gosh if that isn't depressing LOL. Till tomorrow everyone get "CLEANING."

“Hurry up and WAIT”

OMG for sure if you are in the military or married to someone in the military you know what this phrase means. I sat here this evening waiting. Oh yeah waiting for an email. Now I know the man is calling on Sunday right…so I don’t have to sit and wait for the phone to ring. That’s great but tonight I waited on an email. OMG go figure.

Let me tell ya what I have decided about “Hurry up and WAIT” its EVERYWHERE. I mean if you’re a mom you are always HURRYING them along to get ready, to get moving, to finish homework, and to get dressed after the football game and in the car ASAP…..BUT we end up WAITING. OMG do we WAIT. Who takes 30 minutes to remove a football uniform? Then we have potty training. Another “Hurry up and WAIT” thing in life. Do I even need to explain this one…NOPE ya all know it stinks. I guess I could go on and on listing all the “Hurry up and WAIT” moments in my life but realized I would probably EXCEED the bandwidth allowed for my blog so I thought maybe I could list a few things that DON’T fall into this category.

So THINKING…….STILL thinking….and hhhhhhmmmmmm yet STILL thinking. So after sitting her for a good 30 minutes I have decided that this whole “Hurry up and WAIT” attitude of our military life so shouldn’t one surprise me and two shock me I mean that is my life right? So if that’s the case why do I find this mentality so HARD to accept with regards to ORDERS, PCS movers, planes to arrive, I mean again the list could go on couldn’t it now? LOL. Do we do this to ourselves? I mean do we set ourselves up to be NUTS? Hhhhhhhhhmmmmmm maybe. Maybe in the overall scheme of things we really are NUTS? No, there’d be way TOO many of us NOT on meds to explain it that way. So what does that leave? I mean do we need to just have SOMETHING to yell about? Or is it a way to FOCUS our fear of the unknown elsewhere (oh that’s too Psychologically deep for me tonight to even process…LOL) so we’re gonna go with I’m NUTS tonight LOL and I am ANGRY that there is NOTHING I am in control of sometimes in life. Back to the ORIGINAL thought of EVERYTHING being “Hurry up and WAIT” in my life.

Guess I better find away to accept this attitude in my life and stop complaining about it or hell I may need meds and therapy LOL. No that’s its I’m gonna EMBRACE this, and smile….yeah JUST as soon as he has ORDERS so I can PRETEND I know when he’s coming HOME LOL. Anyway gang, hang in there, I just wanted you all to know you aren’t ALONE in this “Hurry up and WAIT” thing we call LIFE.