Misunderstood

That’s how I feel, that’s what I am, apparently that’s what I’ve done…I mean it would have to be. Hubby called on Monday to let me know how he worked through his MELT DOWN. Now let me say I am very happy he did, except his THERAPY sent me on a melt down of my own. Haven’t slept well in two days now, and don’t know when he’s calling me again. And I really don’t want to address it as it sounds accusatory when I do, but if I DON’T say something I am gonna make myself NUTS trying to NOT make more out of this than it is.

So I can’t/won’t post what he said, because I can’t bear to read them all here . But one thing he did say was that due to security reasons he can’t talk about his family there. So we don’t factor into the equation. Well factors, equations? Wait this is a marriage, a family I mean when did we become an equation with factors that can’t be considered? I mean OMG did I really hear him say that. Then to top it off he told me that it was heart wrenching to hear some mothers talk to their kids at home because they are away from them. Ok, well I’m sure it is but here’s a couple heart wrenching things for ya to think about honey. How about me, I mean when they hang up, although they are dying inside, they go back to work. Me, no I don’t get to go back to work, I have to listen to each one of these kids cry every single day. I have to try and explain to KD why I can’t go get your plan and bring you back. I have to hear Seth cry at nap time and at night that all he wants is his family back and where is daddy. And Mack, OMGosh were do I start with him, he struggles everyday counting the days till he can talk to you. And Osten, well honey he thinks I don’t hear him sniffling about you, or notice that his eyes well up sometimes when he talks about you. No honey what I’m living is heart wrenching.

I can’t sleep right, or eat well, or at all some days. Then to hear how you are BONDING and have someone to TELL you what to do because you are used to your wife “TELLING YOU” what is that? I mean I don’t TELL you anything, I thought we talked? I mean after 14 ½ years I was sure we TALKED.

But whatever I guess the point in the blog was to (if you can read it since apparently you don’t read my letters) explain that I know I am doing so many things WRONG, I know am doing the BEST I can, and that even though NO ONE realizes how hard this is, and that there is ALWAYS someone with it worse than I have it, that my life sucks right now. I would sell everything to have you home, and safe, and laying your butt on my couch with friggen Bubba burger grease all over my counter. I love you, and I know that you miss me and love me too, but COMMUNICATION is necessary here, you need to tell me, and you need to talk to me, I can’t do this w/o you. And the past few days have been worse than the last two months, so something’s gotta give here, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, so I am POSTING this to you. Its not too mushy…you won’t miss me after this post LOL. But hopefully you will realize that the life you think you left isn’t here, its some screwed up mess waiting on you to return and help us all work this out. We’re lonely and sad,, and not able to breath many days without you but we are trying. Be safe and know you are loved.