We all know that Football game day is HARD on us. I miss him more than any other day on Tuesday. I miss his voice, I miss smile, I miss his lazy butt waiting till the last minute to rush out the door…and still make it on time.
I talked to a friend (Twila) of mine today, and she said I sounded Positive on my blog. I guess that’s good…I mean it is kinda what I was going for. I can tell you that today I am so NOT positive. I haven’t had a good conversation with him (really since he left…but for what we COULD term as good right now) since last week. I know that every day I get to bed with out a car pulling up to tell me something has happened to him is a good day. But NOT hearing from him is MISERABLE. I can’t breathe when I don’t hear his voice. This is so hard to try and plug through every single day without him. I can tell you that the next time I wish him away will be the day I know our life is NORMAL again. I would give ANYTHING to have him here today.
You know what I find the hardest about this whole thing? Well there are several but at the moment its people who have NO IDEA what you are going through and don’t know how you feel (it makes depressed days hard). People who have gone through deployments before and say they understand but secretly are Thanking God its not them again, and really are too busy to understand (I know I was this way once with a friend). And finally those people who I know have it worse than I do, and I‘m complaining (makes me feel guilty that I am upset ya know). My heart is broken today, and I am so lost. But here’s the downside to ME…I don’t want to call my friends and family and cry all the time or someone will tell me I’m depressed and need meds. I am NOT that depressed. Don’t get me wrong I am depressed but thats NORMAL right? I mean the pressure is almost unbearable some days. I don’t want to pay the bills anymore, and I don’t want to do EVERYTHING…but such is life. I mean it could always be worse couldn’t it? God is that a scary thought...worse than how I feel today? OMGosh.
I guess what scares me the most when I feel this SAD is how many tears am I allowed to cry before I am NOT normal. I mean can I cry every Tuesday till football season ends or not? Who sets that “LEVEL” for us, I mean I don’t want to be depressed but I want to know its ok to cry as often as I need too. Gosh this is so hard. The Navy should issue us manuals so we KNOW what to do, and what to FEEL. I mean hell they issue our husbands everything else now don’t they LOL. I know when I post this blog all my friends will immediately say “Oh she’s having a MELT DOWN.” But I’m not, honest just a bad day. By the time the football game is over I will be 1 day closer to the end of the season, and 1 day closer to him coming home. So don’t fret gang, I am really ok, I am just SAD today.
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