Sunday, July 26, 2009

Its like a TORNADO....


.....emotions, mess, tears, yelling, fear, laughing, picture taking, emailing, call forwarding, breakage, and constant deep breathing. That's some of the words I can use to describe this deployment. There is something CONSTANTLY going on here. Some days good, some days bad, and some days, well I count down the seconds till bedtime.

If I could change one thing about this deployment, it wouldn't be that he be home, becasue this is his job, although I LONG for him to be home with me...its still his job to be gone and do what he is doing. No, the one thing I would change is the tightness in my chest. Many MOMENTS (not days or hours, its seconds) the stress seems overwhelming. But if I can THINK it thru I can usually find the answer.

I am a much stronger person than I was before the military life our family lives, and if nothing else, for me personally this was a much needed trait I THOUGHT I had, but separation that you have NO CONTROL over kinda FORCES us to take stock in our lives.

My husband is truly one of the 5 reasons I get up every single day and go on, thru the crap life deals us. I wish that things wouldn't break as soon as they get out of the country, and leve the mess for us to pick up, but its the job of a military wife. Last time it was that beautiful $800 flat screen we had bought like 3 months earlier....this time (knock on wood) its not my big HD Plasma flat screen that ranks right below the mustang (Freida) for Shayne...nope its my darn air conditioning. But after days of realizing that I am NOT gonna live in a sauna in my own darn house, I figured a way around waiting till payday LOL, I'm gonna call and use his CC that he has. I'm thinking this is a NECESSITY in today's society for several reasons:

1. I'm a big girl, and sweating SUCKS
2. I'm old, and sweating SUCKS
3. I'm tired from the heat, and sweating SUCKS
and finally,
4. WTH am I gonna do when HIS dog dies of heat stroke in my damn living room...so guess that means fixing it is a NECESSITY LOL.

So I hate calling repair men, I always feel like I HAVE to do what they say, but I'll listen and if it sounds WRONG, I'll call someone else...thank God for some rain this week.

Yep my life is a tornado right now, but wanna know the funny part, even when my husband is home our life is chaotic, and funny, and usually requires LOTS of deep breathing LOL. Guess its not much different except for my "can't breath tight chest." But like everyone else who has problems, I'll deal, and move FORWARD towards that LIGHT at the END of the TUNNEL. I can see the light, I just want it to stay put for a few weeks so I can get to it LOL. Have a great week everyone.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I miss you....


.....so much at times it hurts to breathe. I find myself LOST in thoughts of us, and some days TRYING to just find the strength to get through it. I know you will be home in the not so distant future, but the daily grind of being positive, and getting it ALL done by myself SUCKS. I am so PROUD of the man you are, and the INSPIRATION you are for our children, but my selfish side is angry that I have to give up MY time with you. Life is so short, that suddenly I feel like any MISSED day or opportunity might not ever come by again.

I want to NEVER feel this way while you are gone, but SOME DAYS are EASIER than OTHERS, and then some require a brown paper bag to catch my breath. Sweetheart, yesterday when you called you said "I feel better after talking to you." OMG that was one of those MOMENTS that MIGHT have slipped by unnoticed if you and I hadn't been on the phone.....just us. I love everything about you, and everything we are TOGETHER.

I will ALWAYS support whatever decision about your life you want to make, but its truly an HONOR for us to share those decisions TOGETHER. One day 17+ years ago, I met a young man in the amphitheater at Kent State University (its now gone) but it was there on that day looking up at your face, and realizing that you were...no you ARE the man I want to spend every moment of my life with. You were my HERO then and you are my HERO now. I know this deployment has its own "issues" for you (as well as us) but know that "right is right" and I support anything you do for that cause. I BELIEVE in you, and I know that you will find the strength to get through whatever crap you have too there, and honey I will keep this place running and waiting for you.

Happy Day Off today Shayne....I love you with every fiber of my being.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Its been an emotional summer...


ya know first it started out with Shayne leaving, then having to head to Ohio and see Shayne's parents who haven't spoken to us hardly at all since the falling out in April, then a dear friend of ours from NC who hubby was deployed got killed, so we drove South for the funeral. And now Shayne can't come home to see us at all.

Now looking at everything going on around us I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to blog or clean...can you? I miss my husband so much, and I am trying to hard to find the strength that I have had for weeks, but Tyler's dad getting killed kinda of put my life and heart into prespective, and I am trying very hard to grab my boot straps and MOVE FORWARD. His death was a true realization that "there but before the grace of God" could be our family. I love the Navy, and I am proud of my husband, but this deployment, and Roger's death make me hate this war and the evil in the world that exist. I saw my son and his dear friend grow up so fast right in front of my eyes. We have had deaths in our family, but none that felt this close to home (ya know friend, someone our age not an older person, and deployed...and with Shayne gone right now it was scary).

Life will move forward for everyone, but as I sat at that funeral watching that dear boy and his mother so brave speaking to the auditorium, I realized I didn't know if I could ever do that. I know, I know we all do what we have too, but daily since I found out about this tragedy, I try to remember that I need to tell my family I love them everyday. Do I really want the last thing that they remember to be me yelling at them? The true display of heroism for any of us isn't so much how we live our lives, but who we touch along the way. I want my children to grow up and believe in the community, the country, and their family the way Shayne and I do, and I know that we are giving them that direction. I am sorry that words are never enough to help anyone thru such horrible things in life, but I do know that some place Tyler's dad is watching over all of them and touching the lives of so many people...he is truly an angel for all of us.

Tonight IF I get to talk to Shayne I will once again hold my tongue about being mad at the Navy and the deployment, and be grateful that I have one more day to love my family. If you haven't taken a second to say "I love you" to someone special in your life, do it, this summer has proven to me that we aren't guaranteed any amount of time, and that life is way too short to miss any opportunity.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

History of the 4th of July

***Disclaimer I did NOT write this article, but I found it (click here) and it said it better than I ever could. So enjoy it. As a side note, on this day, my husband and thousands of other men and women still fight for our freedom's away from home, so for our forefathers, our military (past and present) please say a prayer for them, as you celebrate this holiday and the freedom of our country.****

History of the 4th of July




“Thus may the 4th of July, that glorious and ever memorable day, be celebrated through America, by the sons of freedom, from age to age till time shall be no more. Amen and Amen.”
~Virginia Gazette on July 18th, 1777

Schoolchildren in America learn the basic history of the events surrounding the Fourth of July, but the details of this monumental occasion in American history somehow fall through the cracks.

Although July 4th is celebrated as America’s official split from Britain’s rule and the beginning of the American Revolution, the actual series of events show that the process took far longer than a single day.

Taxation without representation! That was the battle cry of the 13 colonies in America who were forced to pay taxes to England’s King George III with no representation in Parliament. As dissatisfaction grew, British troops were sent in to quell any signs of rebellion, and repeated attempts by the colonists to resolve the crisis without war proved fruitless.

The original resolution was introduced by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia on June 7, 1776, and called for the Continental Congress to declare the United States free from British rule.

On June 11, 1776, the colonies’ Second Continental Congress, meeting in Philadelphia, formed a committee with the express purpose of drafting a document that would formally sever their ties with Great Britain. The committee included Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Roger Sherman and Robert R. Livingston. The document was crafted by Jefferson, who was considered the strongest and most eloquent writer (nevertheless, a total of 86 changes were made to his draft!) The final version, the document that we know as the Declaration of Independence was officially adopted by the Continental Congress on July 4, although the resolution that led to the writing of the Declaration was actually approved two days earlier.

The following day, copies of the Declaration of Independence were distributed and, on July 6, The Pennsylvania Evening Post became the first newspaper to print the extraordinary document.

On July 8, 1776, the first public readings of the Declaration were held in Philadelphia’s Independence Square to the ringing of bells and band music.
All of this had occurred with some of the delegates to the Congress not even present; New York, for example, did not even vote on the resolution until July 9th. (Did you know that that not a single signature was appended to the Declaration on July 4th. While most of the fifty-six names were in place by early August, one signer, Thomas McKean, did not actually sign the Declaration until 1781.)

One year later, on July 4, 1777, Philadelphia marked Independence Day by adjourning Congress and celebrating with bonfires, bells and fireworks.

The custom eventually spread to other towns both large and small, where the day was marked with processions, oratory, picnics, contests, games, military displays and fireworks. Observations throughout the nation became even more common at the end of the War of 1812 with Great Britain.

On June 24, 1826, Thomas Jefferson sent a letter to Roger C. Weightman, declining an invitation to come to Washington, D.C., to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. It was the last letter, Jefferson, who was gravely ill, ever wrote. In it, Jefferson says of the document:

May it be to the world, what I believe it will be ... the signal of arousing men to burst the chains ... and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form, which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. ... For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.

In 1941, Congress declared July 4 a legal Federal holiday. Today, communities across the nation mark this major midsummer holiday with parades, fireworks, picnics and the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner" and marches by John Philip Sousa.




Special Celebrations

Many Fourth of July customs have not changed since our earliest celebrations. But some communities across the nation have developed their own special traditions:

* Celebrants in Seward, Alaska, take part in a six-mile foot race to the top of Mount Marathon and back. Further north in Kotzebue, Alaska, traditional Inuit contests are held.
* The citizens of Lititz, Pennsylvania have spent their winters since 1818 making thousands of candles so that the children of the town can light them during a special "Festival of Candles" the night of July 4.
* And, on the morning of July 4, the community of Tecumseh, Nebraska, raises more than 200 flags around the courthouse as a way of remembering those who have served in our country’s armed forces. Each flagpole bears the name of a man or woman from Tecumseh who has served in the United States military.
* On July 4, 1976 major celebrations throughout the country marked America’s 200th birthday. In Washington, D.C., 33 tons of fireworks were exploded in the sky above the Washington Monument, along with Laser beams that spelled out " 1776-1976, Happy Birthday, USA." In New York, a succession of tall sailing ships from all over the world sailed up the Hudson River.

Monday, June 29, 2009

I want this to go away....


....these feelings I can't seem to shake. I miss my husband so much and today just sucked, so I miss him even more. Now when I say I hate the Navy, I don't really, I just hate it right now. I can't call him when I'm upset, and by the time he can call me I have found a way to adapt and deal...which is good, but I still hate this.

The other day my friend Peggie was talking about her husband leaving again after just getting home from 15+ months to be gone all summer, and my heart broke for her. Ya know that's how I feel, we just get used to it being how it is, and something else takes them a way. And yes I know "that's what they signed up for" and I'm fine with that, except when my heart is broken, and I feel like there is a cement block sitting on my chest while I TRY and breathe. And just for the record, I didn't marry the military, I'm supporting something that is so important to him and our family...yeah that's the serving our country pride thing we have going on.

I don't care if this is his job and what he signed up for I HATE this. I'll deal but I still HATE it. I am so PROUD of him that I smile just thinking about it, but I don't want to be separated anymore....I miss him, I need him to be here so WE can function TOGETHER. I don't want to plan another darn holiday with out him. But since that's not going to happen, I will find a way to "buck up" and deal. I can and have done it before, and I'll do it again. I just wanted to vent about my miserable feelings today.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Things don't always mesh

By "things" I mean your feelings, your wants, your needs, your wishes, and well real life. Many of the days (so far) this deployment have been.....bearable, I mean well "life goes on" right? But some days I truly can't find that strength to get thru the day will all my marbles LOL. Yesterday was one of those days.

I miss Shayne so much, and I need to talk to him, but when we get on the phone some times those "things" get all intertwined with the "real life" issues we need to discuss, and I forget to tell him how much he means to me.

So tonight I decided to blog him a message, so you are welcome to read on gang.

Shayne, my love, you hold my heart in your hands so far away, and sometimes when it hurts I get so angry that you can't fix it for me. I WANT to see you sooner rather than later. I NEED to hear your voice and see those "dimples" I love so much, and I WISH that we didn't have to be separated today, or any day for that matter. However since "REAL LIFE" has a direction for us that isn't in my "things" I want/need/wish for list I will have to adapt. I am PROUD of you and everything you stand for. I will close my eyes tonight KNOWING that you are close to me in my heart, even if not in our house right now. Be safe honey, and know that even though "things don't mesh for us right now, that you are the LOVE of my LIFE, and my HERO. Good night, and know I am seeing the same moon you are, so we are ONLY that far apart.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

You Complete Me....

....that's how I feel about my Shayne. He is the "love of my life" my soul mate, my best friend. And for lots of years I truly wondered if he knew it. But some how this deployment, I have had an epiphany on my life. I realized that NO ONE chooses to have 4 kids and stay married for 17 years, and make a life like we have if you don't truly love each other.

Its funny, I have loved him since the day I saw his face, and heard his voice...hell I didn't even know what he was going to college for, I just KNEW he was the man I wanted to spend my life with, and now I am. I wondered how anything else in life could compare to that first moment? But its amazing, that life finds a way to remind you that its precious and amazing, and ever changing, and that love is truly UNLIMITED. I read on a friends blog (sorry I can't remember which one of you BRILLIANT people wrote this) that said love is continuously able to be refilled....and ya know what it's true. Love is truly NEVER ENDING.

While Shayne is gone this time, WE are working hard to get ahead instead of doing EVERYDAY retail therapy (although it was fun) like we did the last time. Deployments SUCK...there is NO OTHER way to say it, but as with ANYTHING in life you have a choice....either make it POSITIVE or be NEGATIVE. I am choosing to be POSITIVE this time.

My husband is my life, and I FINALLY in the deepest part of my heart KNOW I'm his...guess that old adage of "love yourself first and believe in yourself" is true. The moment I made changes in ME and my self-esteem, I could SEE my life....and all the joy in it. So today I just wanted you to know honey that YOU COMPLETE ME....and although right now I HAVE to live with out you, I DON'T WANT to live with out you. You are my hero.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Rock the boat.....


......so tonight I am going to praise one of my husband's GREAT (yet annoying LOL) qualities. He is the type of person that if he "bitches" about something then it needs fixed, he can prove it, and he has the solution. I HATE it, yet love it at the same time. He's the type of guy who if he said "the sky is green" I would look out of amazement not because he said something bizarre....because if he cared enough to tell me then I'd KNOW it was green.

So this leads me to a brief synopsis of this deployment. Let me first say he was "name selected" for this tour...for all you military women you know there is NO getting out of that. Anyway this truly is a big deal. Shayne is amazing he sees something wrong and fixes it...its how he functions. So long story short he's on the island and he sees issues he wants/needs fixed so this time he sent the "info" up the chain of command because this chain wants to know everything. Anyway he ended up on night shift...I think he might have pissed someone off LOL. But here's the deal, it lead me to toss this around before I blogged. I believe that if safety of military personnel is an issue or something is not SOP (standard operating procedure) then it needs addressed whether anyone gets pissed or not. So I told him so, and he was like "I have taught you well young padawan" LOL. And he's right...better to ROCK the BOAT if it will IMPROVE a situation that NEEDS improving, than to sit silently by and watch the shit hit the fan right?

So as a human being (not man or woman...military or non military) I want to know if you have ROCKED the Boat in your life and if you KNEW it was right or did it to just be a "pain in the butt." I can say that I have done it for both reasons...and some were just out of sheer nastiness...I know not the best karma to get but it was NECESSARY for my own sanity occasionally LOL. I BELIEVE that the law is the law, and fair is fair (as fair as can be in life), and that although there are GRAY areas, that right is right and wrong is wrong. Now that's not my "rose colored" glasses here, its life. I think that we SHOULD ALL stand up for what we believe in, and what is right and just and fair in the world...and we BETTER darn well stand up when there are injustices and hate being demonstrated.

Its our job to care for each other....I don't wanna quote Hillary Clinton to much but "it does take a village" but not to just raise a child, to live in peace and fairness for EVERYONE. So do you wanna ROCK the BOAT with me and be part of the VILLAGE or will you be sitting silently by and waiting for the IMPLOSION?

Saturday, June 06, 2009

When life hands you lemons....


...do you make Lemonade? I would rather make a Lemon Shake. I mean it's a LOT sweeter, and always leaves you wanting more. So that's how I have decided to approach my life this week. See Sunday is the OFFICIAL "end of week-end~beginning of week" kind of day.

Last week was TOUGH for me (as ya all saw/read) but I am TRYING. I have decided to NOT PIG OUT today (weigh in day at weight watchers) but to stay w/in my points and get in my water. All of you at WW know that "weigh in" day is cheat day. But not for me today....POSITIVE (check). I am working on my crocheting swap EARLY.....POSITIVE (check). There is only one more week of school left for the kids and although FOOTBALL conditioning will continue taking up TONS of time, I'm ready to spend summer with my kids...POSITIVE (check).

Now any one of these could be LEMONS in my life but ya know what, after the worry, lack of control, and fear I felt for my husband last week....I have decided that this week its all about the LEMON SHAKE. I may rot my teeth out...smiling ear to ear, and even PRETENDING during those BAD moments, but I am gonna do it.

Today I realize that very few people out there will ever understand how I felt last week (thank you all my military friends), but thank you to all of you who TRIED....it means so much to me. Several of my "non-military" friends said that I was strong and that what I am handling amazed them. Ya know what I'm tired of saying "oh its nothing you can do it too." They can do it, and would if they HAD too, but right now I am going to (pat on back here) accept it with grace and say "yep I am strong, and I do have amazing strength." Funny how fearing for your husband in the "EVIL FACE" of DANGER can do that to you. I'm ready to face the week and the world if I have too. But this week I'll be making Lemon Shakes...do you care to join me?

Thursday, June 04, 2009

I hate this...


I hate feeling this way, I hate pretending its a good day, when its not. I hate that people can't understand (its not their fault they haven't lived it). I hate that this gets minimized and put in little boxes for everyone else. This is my life, and this week its been WILD. I feel like its so turned upside down. It's not really, I mean its just lonely.

Ya know I have said it before and I'll say it again, its not the big stuff you miss (its not even the sex although that sucks too LOL) it's the little things they do when they are home. He would have mowed the yard this week-end for me while the boys and I were busy running. He would keep KD and wait for Seth to get off the bus while I ran the boys back and forth to the HS for conditioning. Now I can take them all, and I can grab Seth an hour early, but OMG do I miss him.

I miss him more when I know that there is "shit" going on down there and I can't help him. I miss him when I know that "they" get better treatment/protection than the military men/women do. I hate that I have NO CONTROL over any of this...not even my emotions this week.

Yep its all part of the job, and yep it will be over soon, and yep, yep, yep....I swear to you it doesn't make it any better. There truly is NOTHING anyone can say to make me feel like this is FIXED. But I will survive and I will work thru this week like I did the last one, and the one before that. He'll be home sooner than later, and realistically I know that, today it just seem so very far away.

I hope that today you all take one second...just one second to look at your significant other and say or even think "thank you" for loving me and for being here, because when they aren't and you can't say it, its really, really hard...and honestly we all forget to be grateful for our lives. So my challenge to you is (thanks Aaron for reminding me with your note) to find the beauty in your lives and your relationships. Hopfeully tomorrow brings me a few more smiles than today, but I will keep on going...its my job.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Sometimes....

....not knowing is better than actually knowing. This AM Shayne called and said "when it hits the news I'm ok." Of course my first response is what happened...and yep all you military wives know the answer to that and so did I as soon as it came out of my mouth, but of course I got the "I'm fine don't worry about me today." Thats code for "can't tell you" and I know that, but it sucks.

Now part of me is like OMG why did you call, but in watching the news 11 hrs later I got a blip of what happened, and was like "oh damn it." So although I worried and wished I hadn't known all day, if he hadn't had 23 seconds to call and say I'm fine, I'd have been devastated and sick with worry.

So sometimes that no news is good news is a good thing. I miss him so much, and today was tough but he's fine, and I'm fine (tired and need a break) but we keep plowing ahead, and hopefully sooner than later I can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" usually the 1/2 way point it gets harder emotionally but the days "look" like the dwindle quicker. So until then I'll just "go with it."

Sunday, May 31, 2009

One day at a time....

.....that's how Shayne is getting thru. At least that was our conversation this AM. He is doing fine, and I know he'll be ok (much better than last week-end). But I heard him this time say "I get thru it one day at a time," and I felt a tug on my heart strings, because that's how I got thru the last one. But this time...although I am still getting thru one day at a time, its been so much easier on me. Like the right now I have 100 things we have to get done before school lets out in two weeks, so although my heart misses him so much and it hurts to breathe with out him here, I don't have time to wallow in it. OMG that sounds heartless, but I can't...I just can't be as "lost and depressed" as I was the last time.

I worry about him and his "mental" state with where he is and the type of "issues" he deals with, but I know he's ok, and every moment he gets thru is one day closer to getting back to us. I can't imagine, nor do I really want too, what it is he is living. But this time he's doing much better being involved in the kids lives, and actually listening to them.

Deployments suck for anyone and everyone, but they are a downfall to the job, and its just that it's a job. We'll see it thru and hopefully on the other side get a couple years uninterrupted before the next one. However deployments have this underlying POSITIVE thing for so many of us, if we can just SEE the END before we get there. For those of us left at home, we can do the IMPROVEMENTS we want, but they hate LOL cause we'll they aren't here LOL. We can pay bills the way we want, we can go to the places they don't like because they aren't here, and we can IMPROVE ourselves. We can look DEEP inside and heal the past problems or short comings that we have and we can be better individuals.

So how you face a deployment makes all the difference in your life. Time goes only so fast, and the emotions run hot and cold every moment of every day, but it doesn't have to be an "end of life as you know it" situation. You can chose to thrive during a deployment and fix yourself and the stuff around you till they come home. And for me, although its TECHNICALLY one day at a time, even one hour at a time. We're a different crew TOGETHER this time...and Shayne well we can't fix it for him, but I can tell you he is so very PROUD of how we are doing, and what we are doing to keep OUR life on the course we picked so many years ago.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Lost....


....in thought most of the time. Some day's its good, some day's its bad, but most of the time, its just what it is. I wished I was a person who could say "OM Gosh this AMAZING epiphany came over me today and I um solved a crisis." But nope I am just an ordinary married woman with kids.

Yesterday was a tough day for me....and I actually can say I had my very first melt down (thank God I was alone on the cell phone with my dear sister in law Terri). Now like every thing so far in military life I survived, and the situation worked itself out. Shayne is fine, the kids are doing fine, and me, well I worked THRU the wall (yep runners sorry it exists in real life too...oh how I remember that 3rd turn back straight a way by the last light post...Thanks dad for always being over there). So here I am on the cusp of a new day (waiting for the sun to come up) and I am reevaluating where I see myself.

Some days I feel like [insert kids' name here] mom, or Shayne's wife, or PTA board member. But I am not always sure who I am. So when Shayne called last night and I got my tears out (whew hate the phone service and deployments), I realized that I am NOT only the above listed, I am me, and that I am a good person. I just need to believe in myself more. I find it amazing that my husband and kids believe more in me than I do most of the time. I gotta ask myself if I've been like this forever or if I ever had the confidence to be who I am? My dear friend Aaron would say I was always too hard on myself and I sold myself short, and looking back I gotta wonder if that's true.

I am on the road to recovery....on a strict WW regime, I am working out (slowly building up), and I am blogging again, and writing (someday I'll be brave enough to TRY and get stuff published...not there yet Melanie I'm trying though) and I am taking care of me. I guess that "baby steps" are the way to go. I have to believe in me, instead of just worrying about everyone else. And when I got the chance to talk to Shayne about this, he was like "honey you can do it." Just a short sentence that was the LIGHT BULB to my THOUGHTS recently. I know I can get thru this deployment, I have before (SSDD) but this time I want to do it with more style and grace than before...and ya know what? I think I might just be heading in that direction.

Have a great Saturday everyone, and remember that life is what you make of it and its short, so LOVE the heck out of it.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Spent a lot of....

....time thinking today. Shayne is gone for this holiday and although we watch the news coverage and say a few silent prayers, we don't do anything monumental for Memorial Day. For our family, we are lucky enough to have our parents and grandparents alive who fought in past wars, but for many people in this country they do not. Today when I was thinking about the history of Memorial Day and the significance of this day to our country, tons of stuff crosses my mind.

As so many men and women are away from their families today (Shayne included) I find my mind to wondering to not only the past as I BELIEVE it should, but to all of them still fighting for our country. Agree or disagree with the direction of our country and the wars we are currently in, that doesn't allow us to FORGET about those BRAVE men and women, or to IGNORE their needs when they get home. It's often said in online banter back an forth that "if you don't agree/support our troops, then get in front of them" well in anger I can actually UNDERSTAND this comment. But here's the twist to why I BELIEVE in our military, no matter how angry people are, or how condemning to them they are when these men and women return home, these BRAVE men and women would NEVER let anyone take their place, much less get in FRONT of them. That's one of the greatest examples of why AMERICA (in all the good and bad) is truly the best country in which to live.

I have a brother-in-law who has been to Iraq three times, and the second time he went, his wife was upset at the hideous comments she heard about the troops and the war. So in one of their phone calls she told him about it, and how repulsed she was. Wanna know what he said or do you already know? He said "honey this is what I am fighting for, so that [people] like them can have their opinions, even if I think they are wrong." So, the next time we want to say something mean, degrading, condescending, or just plain STUPID, lets remember that these men, women, and their families are willing to die for you, and have in years past. So lets agree to disagree about the wars all we want, but lets take a moment as often as we can to CELEBRATE these people and give them our THANKS.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When is the time right.....

....last night I was feeling really sad about Shayne being gone, and I'm sick, and I needed him to understand. So when he called for our 2 minute phone call last night, I was "mushy and teary" and he said what is wrong? So I said I miss you I'm ready for you to come home. His response "its too early to start this." Well ok, maybe it is, but last night it wasn't for me.....now understand the last time he was gone, I was a BASKET case every day (although I hid it from the kids a lot), and this time I'm "rolling along, and taking it like a big brave dog" (gotta love the Rugrats) LOL, but once in awhile it gets tiring.

So what I want to know is when am I allowed to feel this way? I mean is there some written law somewhere that says you have to wait till the 1/2 way point to be sad? I mean come on. So needless to say on my least favorite day of the week, Wednesday, I stewed about it. OMG looking back I was less happy than a cow chewing its cud that's for sure. But I'm fine, I managed to "get over it" funny how anger does that for ya LOL.

Here I sit tonight thinking that I "knew it all" I was "well prepared" this time, but just goes to show how quick life throws you a curve ball. The only true difference between last night and the last time...I RECOVERED, and I did it QUICKLY and with STYLE and GRACE. Yep I am a Navy wife, and I'm proud of it...even if I'm not happy with him every single day...its NORMAL, and I'm ok with NORMAL, at least tonight.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I just walked out...


....I suddenly realized that I NEEDED a break. Its been a LONG, BUSY, week-end, and its been good (see POOL blog) but here is my LUCK this past week...its POURING STILL. I finally have a pool to ENTERTAIN the kids for an EXTENDED period of time, and its RAINING.

I did talk to Shayne and he sounded good, but all the sudden we hung up, and I just felt "disconnected" literally. I got up, got dressed, said to the kids I'll be back I have the cell phone, and I gave myself a time out. I walked thru the garden department (yep no roof, in the rain...buying Hostas for around my pool) and I can tell you that the best time to SHOP is when you are "disconnected" from life. I mean there was truly NOTHING I wanted to spend money on...at this exact moment, Shayne just took a deep breath,and cheered LOL. Don't get TOO excited honey, I did spend a couple dollars, got the Hostas and a BUG zapper...whooo hooooo soon the mosquitoes will be GONE out back...or at least ZAPPED...yea me.

My friends Peggie and Laurie (they are going darn it she needs to quit referencing us LOL) reminded me when I was "SAILING" thru this first month, that there there would be DAYS...and they are right. I told ya earlier that week-ends and rainy days kill me. I did manage to get his license renewal fee paid so guess he still gets to stay employed (happy now aren't ya honey LOL).

We are all doing fine, and we will emerge on the other side stronger, more determined than before he left, but some days I just need a "mommy time-out" and today was it, and I guess on the POSITIVE side at least it was KINDA productive. I do think I need a Starbucks don't I gang...maybe I'll go on back out and grab one. Till tomorrow, when I hope the SUN burns off this rain...have a great night.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Alone with my thoughts

...have you ever been in a busy room and felt completely alone? I have been in a whirlwind of activity all day, but have been so alone. I am bored on the week-ends they kill me when Shayne is gone, but its part of the job.

So today as I was grocery shopping, I realized I did something NEW, and I did it alone. Its not some huge deal, but I really NEED to stop and take stock every time I do something else I haven't done, because it can only serve to help me face any fears I have down the road.


Ok, so you wanna know what I did right? Well in all the years Shayne has been in the Navy, I have NEVER gone to a case sale at the commissary by myself (even the last time he was deployed I AVOIDED them LOL). Now its not like its some HUGE deal, I mean its cases of stuff...for example I got an entire case (12 cans) of SPAM (yes my kids LOVE it...go figure) for $9. Now as you know that is a GREAT deal since SPAM is almost $2 a can on average. So I did do it, and I did stay UNDER my budget for groceries, and got a TON of stuff to get by till next pay day....so yeah me.

I so WANT to do things that are BETTER for me, BETTER for US. But some days, the sheer terror associated with making changes that we all face is overwhelming. I miss him so much, and when I'm busy...its not that I miss him less, but I have less time to dwell on...where he is, what he's doing, how it feels like he is never coming home...even though I know he is LOL.

So tonight as I sit here with kids running around, and the TV on, and Mack waiting on the computer, and me just tired. I realized I am completely alone to deal with this all, and at the moment I am doing fine...not great, but fine. Tomorrow is a new day, and we'll see how it goes. But for now, I am going to be PROUD of me for doing something new.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

No phone calls....no emails....



....no news...Oh my. I feel like today I am dragging my butt along that DIRTY yellow brick road. But by damn it when I get to the "Great Oz" he's gonna open that darn curtain and do some listening. I have a running list of things I want, need, have to have done to NOT lose my mind today.

Its been a month, and I'm doing so much better than the last time but, some days it is truly a TRIAL by FIRE here. I'm looking at my house, and I'm wondering where the hell the hurricane went that came on through my kitchen, living room...oh hell just the whole darn house. I watched the weather channel not a hurricane in the forecast, but I know there was one because my house is DESTROYED.

Ya know that phrase "no news is good news" well its NOT true. I think that I can honestly speak for many Military Wives and say this SUCKS, and it SUCKS BIG TIME some days. Now I can do this, and I will because I HAVE too for our family, our kids, my husband, and well for me...cause I can't stand buckles and long white sleeves ROFL. I look better in much darker colors LOL.

OK well got it off my chest, and I'm ready to pick up and head to bed....well maybe I'll just get up early LOL....the dirt will still be here. Hang in there honey whatever you are doing....I am thinking of you.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Alone on the 50 yard line....



....for those of you who know me or follow any of my blogs, you all know this family is a die hard football family....we count down till training, we live to sit in the rain, and cheer for our kids, the Browns, and the Buckeyes. But tonight I sat alone on the 50 yd line. At Mack's last game I walked in right at kick off...go figure the one in this family always getting there 15 minutes early was driving like a bat out of hell to get there LOL....I miss Shayne. I did however take Freida tonight LOL wonder if he KNEW from that other country he's in LOL. None the less Freida had gas, my van was on empty...besides it needed RUN.

Anyway, I got up in our usual spot, and I felt suddenly all alone. I am so used to him being beside me so I can say "was that call on Mack/Osten (whichever one is playing) was that their hole they got through?" It truly is all the small things (yes you are humming Blink 182 now aren't you LOL).

So enough RAMBLING tonight, I want to tell you what you missed tonight Shayne...you unfortunately missed the best playing I have ever seen out of Mack...it was even better than that undefeated year, where I was sleeping with the coach...LOL yep you big guy. He double teamed every play, he caused 2 fumbles, he almost got a sack, he had to be REMOVED from the field by the REFs LOL...no don't panic he wasn't swearing or fighting LOL he was BLEEDING...are ya jealous now honey? But the best was he walked off, got taped and headed right back out, and the REF was like "nope gotta sit out a play" LOL he was taught well...be proud.

The season ended 4-2...not bad I guess....would be lying if I didn't say I WANTED an undefeated season, but hey I'll share LOL. I missed you tonight, and I so wished you were here, but know that I stepped up and delivered the 1/2 time lecture and the bottle of water...and I even said stuff you would say "do you need stitches? Then get the hell back out there LOL" I did you proud, and Mack, well he did both of us PROUD tonight.

I hope that you know how loved and missed you were tonight. I PROMISE to do my job and yours when JV and HS ball starts this summer. Be safe and be strong.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

One Month in....

...OMGosh I can't believe I am typing those darn words again. Seems like yesterday I did this same darn post. But no such luck its a new go round. This time a cake every month just seemed gross. So for Mother's Day my kids got me these great Speciality Apples and they came in today....I took it as a SIGN (we all know I am big into those LOL). Anyway, this year we will be venturing down a new road and trying something different each month to mark how far we have come.

I can tell you its been...easier...doesn't seem like the right word, but for lack of a better one, easier works....this time. I know its because there are less "big" holidays to deal with the end of the school year is so busy that time flies. I know there will be LOTS of crappy days, but this time I am MORE prepared, and I know now that I CAN get thru them, and I will.


My husband is an amazing man, who has surprised me in so many ways over the years, but the sheer SUPPORT, LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT, and CHIVALRY he has shown me just melts my heart. A friend of mine who did a SPOTLIGHT on my family this month (check out her Rebuilding America Starts with Family web site...its a FANTASTIC site), told me that we have a "love story" and when I feel the sadness passing this time, I think of that, so THANK you Melanie for those words, I am more grateful than you can imagine, those two little words have gotten me thru a this month.

I hope that those of you who follow this blog will drop me a few IDEAS for next months "sweet" celebration...no cake or cupcakes here this year :)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Resignation to my husband

Below is my resignation from my job. I have decided to MOVE on, and see the world.

I will be packing my bags, and heading to the airport via a taxi cab so I don't have to drive and pay long term parking.

I will be packing shorts so I will be heading south to see my husband who is currently on a Caribbean Island, getting lean, and tan. I will be sipping Mai Tai's on the beach with him by tomorrow, watching the sunset and then the sunrise in his arms.

And if he's working, well I'll wait. I have had my fill of rain, and an empty bed, so wanted you to know that effective immediately is my resignation from all of this

See you soon


Just thought you'd get a chuckle about what I miss, and what I want to do. I love you sweetie.

Wished I could rush this along, but we're almost 1 month in so soon it'll be time for cake and candles, we can do it. Be safe honey.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

On strike


....that's what I feel like saying today. I mean I have been plowing thru everyday for the past few weeks...only a few tears...I mean its been Ok. That sounds awful to say, but I think Shayne and I are doing good this time. But, today I just want a break. Ya know being a SAHM is great a lot of days, but I am so TIRED of cleaning the same darn room and doing the same darn clothes every single day.

Ok, got it out of my system for a few minutes, I miss my husband, and I'll work thru it, and be fine, but its rainy, and I'm tired, and well I'm just....just getting thru. My SIL told me that she could do 6 months on her head, but she just got done with a year+ with her husband gone, and she's right, hell today I could do 3 months on my head but 7+ months seems so far away today.

I'm not crying in my gin and juice this time, I am actually making changes, and they are POSITIVE, but some days, it would be nice just to say "its your turn honey." But today, I'm gonna make dinner...AGAIN....and bath kids AGAIN...and get them all ready for bed...and sit down with a cup of coffee and hope and pray that my husband is doing ok, and maybe he can call me tonight.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Today.....

....is Shayne's birthday, and I have sent two presents out to his brother (who lives near the base he's at for the next week) to give to him so he knows we are thinking of him. Now my SIL, Terri, OMGosh do I love her, she's amazing, is going to get him a cake too. For everything they are doing for him this week, I am so very grateful...but I am sad too....I wanna be able to do stuff for him, and I want to be able to kiss him when he turns 39 and starts that final voyage to the big 40...yea, yea I know it's not ancient...but remember when it was oh those years ago LOL.

I think that this will be the first birthday of his I will have missed in the 17 years we have known each other. Honey, I am so sorry I can't be there to kiss you and bust on you about being MY age (at least for 6 months LOL)...but I PROMISE I'll have a couple drinks here in your honor, and maybe even a cake...the Wii Fit will be unhappy, but who cares LOL.

I so love you Shayne and I am so PROUD of you. Happy Birthday honey.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Monday, Monday.....

I can't believe its MONDAY again, I mean we are over one week into this deployment, and I am NOT crying every day. Some moments I feel myself catching my breath and think "oh no not yet...its too soon" but then I think its ok, to occasionally feel lost, and alone, and sad...but OMG the difference KNOWING...really KNOWING how much you are loved helps.



I got Wii fit and have been doing it and I am down 3.10 lbs...I am so excited that I am making those changes I can hardly wait to see the person I can become while he's gone this time.


I have my moments...like I was supposed to go to the commissary to grocery shop, but I just couldn't do it this pay...I will next one. I did have two dinners out that I PROMISED myself we weren't gonna do, but you know what they say about the "best laid plans" LOL.

I have found that week-ends for me are the hardest...and you'd think with the kids home it would all be ok, but see that's the usual time we're home together, we drink, we talk, we have Friday "date night" and we dance in our living room together. So I hate the week-ends.

I told the kids we were gonna save for a pool this year...not a great one, just one that they can all get in, so that they GET OUT of the HOUSE once in awhile LOL. I am hoping maybe next month I can swing that outta the bill money but we'll see. I want to see my husband, and talk to him...and talking will happen before the seeing of him, but I so miss him.

I am holding on, and I am better than last time, but there is truly no way around a deployment sucking. I mean the good days are crappy, the bad days are like the 7th circle of Hell, but w/o that person you love, your soul mate beside you, its tough. Now that being said I am one HELL of a strong woman, and I'll be damned if this deployment beats me/us....we're gonna come out the other side stronger than we were, and I know that...all I have to do is get through 7 more months of this...and ya know what...I can do it.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

One week


Well gang we are officially ONE week into this deployment...feels like LONGER already. I have been more POSITIVE and in CONTROL this time, but some days I feel like I'm spinning downward, so I have to grab on and take a deep breath. I LOVE being a military wife, and I WORSHIP the ground my husband walks on, but man some days I am so pissed he is gone. I want him here, doing whatever it is that he does LOL.

Ok got it out of my system and I'm ready to get moving on the day...see MOODY. Last night was the last official night we'd for sure get to talk for a bit, and although I knew it was coming, it still broke my heart. I do know he LOVES me and I do know he MISSES me, but telling myself that some days is really hard to do.

He got to meet people this time and build relationships before he gets down there, and that will help him so much. He did say he also worked it out with one of his buddies so he isn't working the midnight shift for the whole 7 months, he's gonna work daylight until his friend needs a break. That alone will help him more than the last time....life will be on a NORMAL schedule for awhile at least.

I have had my moments, but they are few and far between compared to the last time. I do feel more in control of myself and my feelings than the last time...but then I remind myself its only been a week LOL and I take another deep breath and say "its all gonna be ok...and I think I can, I think I can." Ya think as a military wife we ever say "I KNOW I can...I KNOW I can" or do we just ROLL with it no matter what? Man we are a tough group of "old broods aren't we LOL" Thanks for reading my dear friends.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

2nd time is easier



....so far. Shayne is gone again and this time although I miss him so much, saying NO we aren't spending any more money this pay, and what are we cooking are great things I didn't say the last time.

A friend of mine said that the 2nd time is easier because the worries we had the first time, aren't the ones we have this time. This time we KNOW they love us, and we know that they miss us. I feel that inner peace she is talking about, and for that Peggie my dear friend THANK YOU...once again you have me centered and ready to take on the world.

I PROMISED myself I was gonna try new things, and be a BETTER person than I was the last time. So today I did take every extra penny in my change jar, car, purse, and then added like $60 to it and got Wii Fit. I am going to be skinny the OLD fashioned way before hubby comes home. Ya know I say OLD fashioned but what I mean is that lapband I was gonna get done, I am not doing it while he's deployed. And its not that I don't agree with it, its just that 1. I don't wanna have an elective surgery with him deployed...can you imagine the issues of OMG I died during surgery. And 2. I just want/NEED to prove to myself I can do this. I am GOING to do this. I have this MAIN goal, and lets be honest any loss will be attaining this goal, so I figure I can't fail right?

I have to tell you, Shayne isn't the verbal "I love you honey" type of guy, but you saw his Good-bye to me, and his big PDA...well last night he said "I love you." Now most of you are saying "yea so what he should." Well that's true but we have this thing where he doesn't say it all the time because if he did, I wouldn't remember when he did say it. Now that may seem stupid, but I KNOW he loves me and I have always KNOWN...but after 17 years I can tell every single time he has said those three magical words to me...and I know lots of women out there can't. So before anyone says "yeah so what he should" take a second and think...really think when was the last time your DH said "I love you" and it wasn't in response to you saying before bed or when you hang up the phone? Bet those words mean more now don't they?

Happy Wednesday gang.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The count down begins


Ya know 212 days is nothing in the over all scheme of life, but boy it sure sounds long at the moment. He's at the airport and will be getting on the plain in 30 minutes. We're back home, and its quiet. Dropping him off this time was so different than the last time....the kids are older, it was later in the day so they were awake. I cried, they hugged him, he teared up (had to put on those sun glasses LOL) and as he kissed me good-bye on the lips...in public (not something we ever do...kinda prudish like that LOL) he handed me a coin....it was the Navy Spouse coin. I was floored...I know he'll miss me, and I know he loves me but to take time to think about something that kind, just melted my heart.

I am going to be more POSITIVE this time, and I am going to work on GOALS...although canasta and booze the last time ROCKED...I think I am going to make changes, and improvements in me that I've been putting off for a lot of years. So get ready gang I'll keep you updated.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Marry me again.....



OMG thats what I logged on to see when I got on Facebook the other day. My dear husband posted this as his status and sent this picture:

On the Island there are Chaplains? Don't mind Desert Uniform? The most beautiful place I have seen. Heaven talks to you there. Marry me again, there?

Now I am always on him to be ROMANTIC to me on there so my friends know how and why I love you as much as I do. Now I am eating my words can you think of anything more romantic than that? He is my hero and the love of my life. I will miss him so much when he leaves, but I am gonna work like hell to be an even better person when he comes back to us.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Time Together



Well this deployment Shayne took 30 days off before he leaves. Now this is a blessing and a curse. I know, I know sounds just plain bitchy, but I can tell you that as much as I cry when he's gone, I wanna cry he's up my butt and messing up my schedules being home in the bed, or the recliner, or well just under foot.

I know that in a few weeks, I'll be a blubbering idiot walking around lost without him, but today, I'm ok with a break. I find myself frustrated once again with the "hurry up and wait" thing that goes on with the military, and you'd think I'd be getting used to it, but right now I just want this damn thing to start and get done.

We are hoping to see each other this summer for a few days, but I have learned to NOT count on anything. I have several missions this time, and I am hoping to see some POSITIVE changes. My fear is that this time we live in our own house, and any major problems we might have (God Forbid) will all the sudden have to be my problem...not just a realtor's. Oh well I have since figured out that if it's not one thing it's another, so guess its life.

I have found so much support with old friends I have found on Facebook. Pretty cool, I love my family, and they are an amazing support, but some days its tough to keep saying the same thing over and over, and I'm sure they get sick of hearing it. I mean 9 months is a long time to listen to someone bitching, whining, crying and complaining ya know. Now I have an way to talk to other people who know and love me, and help keep my family a bit saner LOL.

So this is the downhill trek to his departure, and we are surviving. I will check in more often after he's gone...but you all know that already LOL.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Together


This time before Shayne deploys we are gonna get to spend some time together w/o him having to go to work. I am excited, and nervous at the same time. I find us TALKING more...OMG that would be a crime LOL...NOT but we have time to feel each other out, and sometimes that makes things a bit scary. We all know what is coming this time, although I am sure with NEW twists.

So last night we sat up talking, having a couple bottles of wine, and well you know *wink wink* till 4 am. I don't know the last time we stayed up together till 4 am...holy cow I did pay for it today. I just felt so close to him when we were dancing in the middle of our living room at 11pm...no kids, no TV, just us and or favorite songs. I so love my husband, and I know we will come out the other side of this deployment "different...stronger" hopefully "better" people. Separations for any reason are hard, but having done it once I think I am more prepared this time.

I am going to do this one POSITIVE, and you all are gonna be along for the ride. Your job when you read this is to REMIND me there will be an END in time and that I CAN do this. Thank you all my friends for being my friends

Monday, February 23, 2009

Guess What....



Well first let me say that there is something about a military wife that understands everything you are going thru when your husband is deployed. The last time Shayne left, I had great friends next door and we got together every week and they along with my Cafemom friends got me thru that deployment.

Well this time I don't have hardly any friends here yet, but I did meet a great military wife whose husband is also an officer in the Navy and get this, he is deploying a few weeks before Shayne. So together we are going to get each other thru these next long months.

I know I can do this, I mean I already have, but I am still scared. I am going into this in a better, more positive frame of mind than I did the first time. I want to accomplish something this time, I want to see changes in me that I never take the time to do. Now I'll have time to focus on me...and that's what I am going to do.

I have a couple other blogs that I blog on and will continue too throughout this adventure, so check in often and see if I am doing it this time.

But with another military wife beside me I think I'm ready.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Here we go again....


Well the news came down last night that Shayne is going to deploy again. I know that this should be easier to deal with this time. But its not. I am in a new town, new state, new house, and not a ton of friends here, and pretty soon all of them in school and activities.

Since Shayne got home a lot has changed in our lives. We own our first home, and we love it...but there is so much still to do. The fence that needed replaced this spring is gonna have to be done ASAP since he's leaving in month...but its ok, we can do it. Our youngest son was dx with Asperger syndrome, and its forced us to all function together in different ways.

Our lives seem so right at the moment, and as soon as I walked in last night and he was home already and I did what all wives do "why are you home early" and he said "do you wanna drink" I just knew my heart fell and I said "damn it are you getting deployed again?" and the answer was yes.

I, well we can do this I know we have done it already. But this time its 3 months longer, he'll miss both the boys playing football, and wrestling...both are things that they all do together. I can look at this positively and say...well at least he'll be home our son's senior year...but today that doesn't make it feel any better.

So "here we go again....." is my life today. Welcome back to this blog gang...it'll be busy.